To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

@Hankunamatata

3 years ago. Why on earth did he tell you now?

Exactly I would be upset he has been so selfish to offload the guilt onto me.

I could get over a kiss because it only takes a second to make that wrong decision. He had sex with her. It takes ages - the flirting, the taxi ride home, undressing... So many opportunities to change his mind, to choose you and he didn't. That's just how I view it, sorry. You deserve someone who chooses you every time.

@FuckYouCorona

The fact that he did this only a few months after your DC received their diagnosis makes this all 100 times worse in my view. That was the time you needed to be pulling together as a couple & family, not for him behaving like a spoilt self-centred dick, getting pissed, off his head on drugs & shagging other people.

Given that he's been all "me me me" so far, I doubt he was ever going to pull together with OP over the diagnosis.

It seems he can’t cope with any hardships , lack of sex, the diagnosis - things that marriages can face. Good men don’t turn to drink, drugs and other women. You didn’t turn to any of these things. How can you trust he won’t do the same with the next hardship? I certainly wouldn’t want to go through tough times with the additional worry he would be unable to cope and be up to who knows what. He seems a very selfish man at the centre of his own universe. Will that ever change?
Tell him he needs to work out how to fix this and you want actions and no more talk about himself.
I wouldn’t take him back myself but actions I can think of

• becoming teetotal if he can’t be trusted drinking. ( I also think it’s so disrespectful to be getting drunk in response to this because he can’t cope etc given that’s what led In part to the indiscretion)
• definitely no drugs
• organises his own counselling with no help from you
• looks after the kids whenever you need it so you can take time out
• stops making excuses blaming others for his own mistakes e.g ow pursuing him, lack of sex, diagnosis
• is completely honest about what really happened, he obviously wasn’t blind drunk, was an element of emotional affair and not just a ons, was premeditated with buying condoms, going into hotel room etc
• access to phone or anything else needed to reassure you

[quote sal1223]@Cantstandthesnoring yes I asked him and he said I deserve better, and once the dust settles I'll realise how fucking awful he is and have the strength to kick him out properly [/quote]
I'm so sorry, but he's playing you like a fiddle.

You're all right 😞 esp @C0RAL

@Sonicbloom just ignore them. Your posts have been very astute and the truth is uncomfortable for some posters. Its true its easy to say LTB but its also easy to say stay with the B to validate your own decisions.

I’m certainly not enjoying this, what an odd thing to say.

Also if the op has an issue with what I write she can pull me up on it , she doesn’t need you policing the thread for her @sal1223 please do let me know if anything I have said is inaccurate or not helpful to you. I think two posters are derailing your thread attacking me for giving advice. I know you have better things to do and think about right now though and their attacks are not at all of benefit to you.

Thanks to whoever reported them ❤️ Now we can concentrate on op.

OP I have read your posts, but not all the replies.

I have been in a similar situation, and yes, it completely and utterly knocks the wind out of your sails. I think you are coping much better than you think you are right now.

The thing that I find so unfair is that he seems to be waiting for you to make the decisions about moving forward. This is the thing that I get the most irate about, one day life is just normal and the next day, bam, your life is turned upside down and at the end of the day, you are expected to make the decision.

You mentioned putting a time on it. Please don't do this. It doesn't help at all because then you have even more pressure on not only making a decision, but then having put pressure on yourself to have made the decision by x date. I did it. I said in 6 months I will know. I ended up having a breakdown, so please don't think that by a certain time you will have the answer.

Oh and angry is normal. Every emotion is normal and they can change minute by minute.

Are you eating? You need to eat and you need to try to sleep. Maybe try get something to try to help you sleep and you cannot function on 4 hours of sleep over a weekend and try to carry on a day and process this all.

You can pm me anytime if you want to

I honestly can’t advise as I’ve never had to deal with this but my parents have. They stayed together and they are still together but live completely separate lives with separate bedrooms. After 8 years they are finally a bit more cordial to each other. I’d suggest counselling if you are looking to stay but be prepared to never get over it.

How selfish of him to unload his burden on to you. That alone would make me hate him.

Only you know if this is something you can live with. All I'd say is take your time in deciding.

You need to decide if you can go on and not worry when he goes to work or a night out. Your always going to wonder. He doesn’t seem very apologetic at all. Hope it all works out for you.

Delighted to hear you're getting counselling in place Sal, but - always remembering this is your decision to make - I really would leave it entirely up to him as to how much he wants to get involved in that

Personally I wouldn't even be asking "do you want to ...?", but just wait to see how proactive he is around it

Just a thought ...

@Sonicbloom no nothing you've said has been offensive and I've taken on board what you've said

I've had a good chat with my mum this morning and she doesn't think she could get past it but that doesn't mean I couldn't because we are different . I have a therapy session booked for Friday . The way I'm feeling at the moment is that if I would consider giving him a second chance it would be on the condition he goes teetotal , it's been the common denominator every time we've ever fallen out and it's now reached peak so I may be willing to try and forgive him if he could do that . The therapy lady said that's not an unreasonable request

No that is not unreasonable at all OP. I am glad to hear that you have a session soon.

How are you doing today now that you have some alone time?

I've stopped crying and had some cereal - it's a beautiful day and I live by the sea which is calming x

Someone said here the other day , my marriage is over, that marriage is finished / done - do I want to start a new one with the same man - well no but I may consider it if he addresses his biggest flaw and becomes teetotal

Op I agree. One of my biggest flaws used to be drinking too much. I didn’t cheat but I did have massive rows and disappear off on a night out with dh. I said horrible things to him. It was wrecking our relationship. He also wasn’t guilt free when he drank. We are both teetotal now. We rarely argue
It’s hard not to drink sometimes with this culture of drinking (and esp with covid pressures) but it’s worth it to have a relationship of kindness and it does definitely help with trust x