To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

@bigbird1969

It is all rather odd, you have been living happily well so you thought, he decides to tell you about a drug fuelled ONS as he has felt guilt for 3 yrs and now keeps pushing to suggest you cant forgive him. Is he looking for a reason to leave but creating a scenario which is that you dont trust him due to a previous infidelity. Sets the scene for wife has chucked me out due to lack of trust, ONS ( he can claim you knew about it) he leaves and boom new woman is there sat on the wing. He can continue the poor me sceanrio, she couldnt forgive bla bla bla or maybe i have been watching too many fiction books....but either way it is all rather odd

Careful @VinylDetective and @SunshineCake will be after you for this. Ps neither of you have said what I actually wrote which was incorrect, a novel etc etc please clarify if you accuse me of something

@Sisterlove I agree. Tell him to log on to some forums and ask for some ideas. He can’t sit their with the woe is me attitude. Where’s the fight for his marriage? There’s laid back and there’s can’t be bothered.

She perused him. He made a mistake. And sounds like he feels terrible and regrets it.

I don't think this is worth ending your marriage over.

I wouldn't tell anyone.

I already have - my 2 best friends and mum - very difficult not to when they saw my face

[quote sal1223]@RealisticSketch yes I see what you mean and I get it . He's said he doesn't think I should forgive him, doesn't deserve forgiveness and ultimately doesn't think I'll be able to [/quote]
It sounds more than ever as though he's trying to get you to do the dirty work, while making
you feel guilty because he's such a whipped puppy.

Suppose you said you wanted to forgive him and try to move on together past this. Does he look overjoyed and tell you he's so glad and he'll do whatever it takes? Or do you get more sadface and puppy eyes and "oh no, you could never do that, you shouldn't do that, I'm just too terrible for that"?

The biggest stumbling block for me is his apparent unwillingness to try and do whatever it takes to win you back, as it were. He needs to be proactive and show you by his actions that he truly is sorry, that he truly wants the marriage to work. But all he seems to doing is passing the monkeys back to you.

I feel for you. Apologies if someone has already suggested this but have a look at chumplady.com and in particular start with the earliest posts from 2012 ( in archives). Good luck. I wish I’d left my husband when I found out about a supposed one off fxxk ......at the time I felt I could forgive him and he wouldn’t do it again. I then wasted the next 12 years of my life. Maybe your husband is different but I do suggest you have a look at the blog.

@bigbird1969

It is all rather odd, you have been living happily well so you thought, he decides to tell you about a drug fuelled ONS as he has felt guilt for 3 yrs and now keeps pushing to suggest you cant forgive him. Is he looking for a reason to leave but creating a scenario which is that you dont trust him due to a previous infidelity. Sets the scene for wife has chucked me out due to lack of trust, ONS ( he can claim you knew about it) he leaves and boom new woman is there sat on the wing. He can continue the poor me sceanrio, she couldnt forgive bla bla bla or maybe i have been watching too many fiction books....but either way it is all rather odd

I completely agree and was thinking something similar. His reaction is bizarre, surely he'd either be 1) begging forgiveness or 2) saying that he wants to end the marriage.

It seems like he's pushing the OP to end things on his behalf, and I'm suspicious.

He says they were friends and crossed a line.

He told her he wouldn’t leave me for her so she moved away.

I see problems with his story, his deflections, and his victimhood that would need to change before I would consider giving him a second chance.

The line was crossed way before the actual sex occurred. They would have already shared an attraction/flirtation/connection, and she even believed he would possibly leave you.

Until he comes clean with the whole story, moving forward will be impossible.

He has been using various deflections to avoid accepting full responsibility for his infidelity—it was on a plate, the alcohol/drugs, the lack of sex at home. The truth is he made a multitude of unethical decisions. He chose to pursue a flirtation and ego strokes with OW. He chose to have an illicit 2 hour sex session. He chose to deceive you for 3 years, robbing you of your consent to live with and sleep with a faithful husband.

By the way, his shifting the blame to you re lack of sex is contemptuous manipulation. If he had an issue, the answer was having a serious conversation with you, not adultery.

Until he owns total responsibility for his betrayal and disloyalty without deflections, moving forward will be impossible.

Another hindrance to your recovery is his self-flagellation that is turning the drama back on him. Wearing the hair shirt will block any self-improvement and will preclude his focusing on your healing and making the efforts necessary to rebuild the relationship. These include digging deep in individual counseling to examine his coping mechanisms and character flaws that enabled him to cheat and lie. He also needs to provide unprompted empathy and reassurance, as well as accepting your anger and tears whenever they come without wallowing in self-pity or selfishly getting sloshed.

Is he going to do the hard work or is he going to sabotage the recovery of your marriage?

@bigbird1969

It is all rather odd, you have been living happily well so you thought, he decides to tell you about a drug fuelled ONS as he has felt guilt for 3 yrs and now keeps pushing to suggest you cant forgive him. Is he looking for a reason to leave but creating a scenario which is that you dont trust him due to a previous infidelity. Sets the scene for wife has chucked me out due to lack of trust, ONS ( he can claim you knew about it) he leaves and boom new woman is there sat on the wing. He can continue the poor me sceanrio, she couldnt forgive bla bla bla or maybe i have been watching too many fiction books....but either way it is all rather odd

Yup, this! It seems odd timing, he could have just kept quiet - there’s more to come out here I fear. Sorry you are going through this op

He's told me to get he'll do anything to keep our family together and have a second chance with me . He'll speak to doctors / counselling and try and become the best version of himself

. I told him I'd told my mum and he looked like he wanted to throw up , she knows a watered down version and I'm yet to tell her he's confessed to it - I just couldn't . I told her I'm 100% sure he'd been unfaithful with this girl back along and she surprised me by saying I have to decide if I want to be with him and if I can let it go or if I want a divorce and move on -I thought she'd have gone mad and told my dad & brother . I'm going to tell her the truth tomorrow
. I've said to him I need quiet and time now - and I need to stop asking him stuff about it . I know what's happened now , as much as so many of you have said there'll be more to come -at the moment I really don't think there is . I have the issue of his infidelity and then subsequent deception to come to terms with now and I can't call it . It's easy to say kick him out when it's not your husband and father of your children. I literally said the same about a mum I know a month ago who found out her husband had been shagging someone since March lockdown 2020 - she'd be mental to give him another chance after he's betrayed her .
And now it's happened to me

I've asked for that ⬇️ to be removed - I feel uneasy talking about my kids on here and shouldn't have mentioned it

I've been following this thread silently for a day or two. My heart hurts for you, OP.

For what it's worth, I think I'd explore all options before calling it a day on the marriage. Reason being: he got away with it once - he could've continued it into a full blown affair knowing he hadn't been caught before, but didn't. It doesn't excuse the betrayal and further deception, but it demonstrates a one time severe lapse in judgement rather than something much worse.

You might hate his guts now (I would) and might not be able to see past this or imagine any kind of intimacy ever again, but your feelings now are raw. In time and with work, you may feel differently. Equally, you might not. I truly hope he's pained by his actions. Neither of your options (working to fix the marriage/ending the marriage) are easy and there's no quick or magical fix. Wishing you luck in however this plays out for you.

@Wattagoose90 thanks ❤️

He's told me to get he'll do anything to keep our family together and have a second chance with me . He'll speak to doctors / counselling and try and become the best version of himself

Considering his previous reluctance to get help, it'll be interesting to see if he actually organises this - and I do mean if he does as opposed to expecting you to do it or just not bothering

Very sorry to hear about the difficulties with your youngest (we had a distressing diagnosis with our own DS) but tell me ... did this cause you to go out and sleep with someone else??

No it didn't and I'm not saying that's why he was unfaithful either - I just think it may have contributed to him going off the rails a bit at this time .
I just keep thinking of more things to ask him , and I don't really want to speak to him but it's niggly stuff - I wonder if she'd stayed if it would have turned into a full blown affair , I wonder if he's telling the truth when he says he regretted it immediately or if he'd had another opportunity he'd have done it again.

@Puzzledandpissedoff and yes I agree it'll be interesting to see if he organises some help now . I've told him I have a counsellor calling me tomorrow to discuss if they can help me and if I'd like to book some sessions , she's doesn't do couples therapy but (and here I'd be helping him 😖) it might be an idea if she spoke to us both - separately

No. I wouldn't end a marriage based on this. Taken a face value.

I'm not sure MN is the best place for this kind of dilemma as it is the place to come when your partner has shat all over you. Therefore a lot of advice will come from people projecting their own lived experience. When infidelity covers such a huge range of betrayal.

To me there's a scale .
Bottom of that scale would be a ONS.
I would put an Emotional affair without sex above that. Sex without emotional investment is just a meaningless physical coupling no different from dogs shagging in in alley. For me, i would be angry of course but certainly wouldn't be throwing away 17 years of marriage and blowing children's lives apart especially with a vulnerable child in the mix.. and it's no good people chiming in with the ' he did that when he chose to sleep with someone else' .. No.. it doesn't work like that. YOU have the choice now. It's YOUR decision to stay in the marriage or not.

My only real advice though is make a decision and stick to it. If you can forgive then forgive. If you can't then divorce. Don't stay without forgiveness. That truly is the way to hell for your whole family.

@Trickyboy I get what you're saying , I'd pop this slightly higher up the scale because there was some emotional involvement I think because she wasn't a stranger - he really liked her as a friend prior to anything else - I remember him telling me about her and how funny she was and how well they got on . I know it's nothing on her but I am angry and upset she did it too , she knew who I was and knew we had kids .

If I stay and don't forgive him -'That truly is the way to hell for your whole family' yes 100% agree with this

I’m afraid He sounds lazy and self centred. You are on here talking and taking advice while he gets pissed on the sofa.

You have arranged a counsellor and he might just tag along rather than get his own.

He says he’s willing to do anything to fix it but he’s done nothing in the three years since this happened.

What has he done in the days since he told you? Read some websites, confided In friends, ordered some books, joined a self help group online or posted for advice on a forum ? Or sat there wringing his hands saying how tough this is for me and please tell me what to do?

I wonder what he would say if you asked him how you ( @sal1223) feel? I’m sure you’ve told him many times, it’s not like he’d have to guess. And you’ve told us very eloquently here, there’s nothing wrong with your communication skills.

Would he actually give an accurate account about YOU and your feelings? Or would he say something like

“ You hate me and you think I’m an utter cunt and I don’t deserve you and the kids and Me me me me me. And did I mention me me me me me and my feelings and what I want.”

I’m wondering if he can actually see you as a precious human being, his wife and mother of his children, who feels her life has been ripped apart? Or just as a person who services him and his needs and is in danger of malfunctioning.

You are clearly deeply shocked , you are vomiting, can’t stop crying and can barely eat or sleep. You are traumatised by what he’s told you and scared for what the future hold for you and the children. Your head is all over the place, you don’t know what to do for the best and you are angry that he seems to have left all the decisions to you. You wish you didn’t love him because then it wouldn’t hurt as much and then it would be easier to leave him. You are such a private person yet you’ve had to share this humiliating information with others and you hate so much.

Yet he feels better now he’s told you. It’s a weight off his mind and suddenly he’s no longer suicidal or even depressed.

Can you see how this sounds to someone reading this?

The fact that he did this only a few months after your DC received their diagnosis makes this all 100 times worse in my view. That was the time you needed to be pulling together as a couple & family, not for him behaving like a spoilt self-centred dick, getting pissed, off his head on drugs & shagging other people.

I've told him I have a counsellor calling me tomorrow to discuss if they can help me and if I'd like to book some sessions , she's doesn't do couples therapy but (and here I'd be helping him 😖) it might be an idea if she spoke to us both - separately

It's a conflict of interest for a counsellor to work with both of you independently. If she's working within the BACP ethical framework, she won't take you both as clients.

He needs his own counsellor, but a good start would be the site/resource mentioned in the first post on this page.

@sal1223

He said he couldn't live with it any longer and considered taking his life - there's a big high bridge near where we live and he's apparently sat there several times now. So has now told me because of his mental health I guess ?

Selfish twat

Has he not considered a therapist?

Not only has he told you three years after doing it, but he's tried to put the responsibility of his life on your shoulders. So he cheats and lays it all on you to deal with. Wanker.

You don't have to decide immediately. There's no statute on kicking him out.

Give yourself some space to breathe.

But think about why you previously thought that the partner should immediately kick them out.

I 'tried' to work through it, I tried to 'get over it'. I loved him so much, whole life planned out etc...yadda yadda. The 'trying' destroyed me much more than his affair I shouldn't have put myself through it. If I'd had MN in those days I wouldn't have. I thought 'we' were different, I made excuses for him. I loved him. Soul destroying.

Big hug, it's ghastly x

Ps: don't be guilt tripped into the 'taking his own life' if you leave nonsense. HE fucked her, not you. HE chose to wreck your marriage & lose your trust. If HE chooses to throw himself off the bridge that's HIS choice (not that they ever do) you cannot allow him to manipulate you into staying & coping with what it'll do to you, because he won't take responsibility for his actions. He was drunk- so what? He got himself into that situation and he wasn't so drunk he couldn't perform nor so drunk he didn't know what he was doing. It's no excuse.

Take care. Try to eat a little bit & drink lots of water. Not eating or drinking isn't going to help x

Oh & they kids can love him if he lives elsewhere. You didn't set out to live your life like that, but you didn't set out to live with a man that cheats on you and lies to you for three years. Has sex with someone else & doesn't even allow you to protect your sexual health by telling you. He's betrayed you, you don't have to carry on with him.

I think if you stay with him you will have to try and forget it completely. If you can’t do that the chances are you’ll end up hating him. I couldn’t be with him as I know I’d never get over it. Hope you’re ok