@Butcanyoujusttellme
He could have slept with this woman, realised it was a mistake, got an std test and spent the last 3 years trying to learn from his mistake and be the best husband he can be
But instead it sounds like he has not ensured the marriage is happier
And he’s unburdened his guilt, at a safe time (3 years after the fact and when you’re locked down with him)
Now he feels relieved and you get the burden of dealing with this AND deciding what to do
Not only that but he’s emotionally manipulated you and told you about how you could’ve lost him completely - so now you think well at least this (him cheating on me) is better. And also effectively hinted that if you do get rid, he may do something drastic.
Additionally you have to go get an std test. Which implies he has not had one.
So whilst he was feeling all this guilt and feeling sorry for himself, he was not thinking about you, again, and considering how this could effect not just your happiness but your actual health.
If he was such a good husband and father he would’ve thought about you more and his children more. He hasn’t.
I've just read the whole thread, and this just about sums it up.
OP, your husband is not who you thought he was. He's a coward, manipulative, pathetic.
He's drinking to help him cope? He's effectively putting all the blame and guilt onto you. Funny how he doesn't feel suicidal now that he's told you, isn't it? If he really had MH issues that bad, he'd have gone to the GP.
and now I've told him that a lot of the outcome of this depends on what he does now - he answers 'I don't know what to do' so like pp have said (and I've said to him) he's making this all my responsibility.
If he was really a decent man who sincerely regretted a ONS, he'd have been proactive about doing what it took to gain your forgiveness. He'd have arranged appointments with the GP, with counsellors, etc.
But he hasn't. He's saying he doesn't know what to do because he wants you to take the lead so that when, inevitably (given his lack of action) you decide to end the marriage, he can say it's all your fault.
And I say inevitably because his lack of action, any attempt to take ownership of the guilt, his "me me me" attitude with no attempt at understanding your feelings, will kill the marriage more than a ONS will.
Like others have posted, this wasn't a ONS for me. A ONS is meeting a random, having sex and then never seeing them again. This was a colleague, they'd clear;y been getting to know each other, having a form of emotional affair that then led to sex. Very different.
From your descriptions, OP, I'd say he wants out of the marriage but doesn't want to be the bad guy.
You need to be blunt because you are still taking on his mental load. Tell him you don't have the energy to spare for his feelings, that you barely have the energy to cope with your own. I bet you'll see a different person when he thinks you don't give a shit about his feelings.