To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

@Marinaloves I get what you're saying but local hotels only taking people working in the area and it's actually helped him being here with the kids - like I said he'll be back at work Monday

Everyone keeps saying it’s just a one night stand. It wasn’t some random, the attraction and emotional affair has obviously been building over time until they couldn’t hold it in any longer. It lasted 2 hours. That’s not a quickie followed by regrets. That’s likely to be multiple times. Drink and drugs aren’t an excuse - I’ve done both in excess in my 20s and knew exactly what I was doing when having sex. He remembered the condoms didn’t he ? Does he carry those around or did he remember to buy those beforehand too? You say he’s almost painfully honest. Well he’s lied and your life has been a lie for three years. If he was so honest he would have told you the day after it happened. I wouldn’t believe anything coming out of his mouth anymore!
I would actually want to speak to this other woman to find out the absolute truth - does he have her number?
Yes, you have kids and 17 years of marriage behind you but can you ever look at him in the same way or love him the same way - trust him not to get drunk and take drugs and the next woman at work come onto him? Will he stop drinking and taking drugs for the rest of his life as an action of change in regret for this? What will change? Or is he expecting you to change - to give him more sex as that was his excuse for his awful betrayal.
Op I would really struggle to move on from this. I hope you get the answers you need to make a decision

So he's told you and now he feels much better, but couldn't give a shit that you're now in pain. Feeling sorry for himself is pathetic. The typical "Poor me, I wasn't getting any sex" says it all. If he was that out of it, I doubt he could have managed it. Manipulative bastard. All he wanted was to relieve his guilt and let you have the responsibility of deciding what happens next. HE'S tossed 17 years of marriage in the bin.

I could forgive a ons if I was told about it pretty soon afterwards and there was sufficient remorse and commitment to ensuring it wouldn't happen again.

I couldn't forgive keeping it quiet for years and lying to my face every day. I am sceptical that he is telling you the full story since it is human nature to minimise. I suspect the guilt is real, but there are other motives for telling you. Just because she moved away doesn't mean they're not in touch. Has she, or someone else, threatened to tell you I wonder.

Making stuff up doesn’t mean it happened @Sonicbloom. You should write novels.

He's not distressed, or suicidal. He felt guilty yeah, but now he doesn't because he's told you. And he's now blaming you for it. What a cunt.

He's lying as well. Either he was so drunk that he slept with her (which in that case after that much drink and drugs, I doubt he'd even be able to get it up), or he decided to use her since she was so keen and just went for it. It's more likely that one sadly.

Maybe ask him how he'd feel if you'd fucked another guy for hours? How would he feel if he knew that you'd shagged another guy multiple times in one night because you weren't getting any at home? Doubt he'd be pleased.

You should kick him out now too, as punishment for blaming you. Tell him to fuck off and find another easy woman at his work that will let him sleep at hers. His problem on finding somewhere to sleep, not yours.

Don't contact OW, OP. If she responds at all, she will have as much of an agenda as your husband and you won't be able to trust what she says either. Besides, it isn't actually anything to do with her. What you do now is between you and your husband. She's had enough involvement, it's about you two now.

@Butcanyoujusttellme

He could have slept with this woman, realised it was a mistake, got an std test and spent the last 3 years trying to learn from his mistake and be the best husband he can be

But instead it sounds like he has not ensured the marriage is happier
And he’s unburdened his guilt, at a safe time (3 years after the fact and when you’re locked down with him)

Now he feels relieved and you get the burden of dealing with this AND deciding what to do

Not only that but he’s emotionally manipulated you and told you about how you could’ve lost him completely - so now you think well at least this (him cheating on me) is better. And also effectively hinted that if you do get rid, he may do something drastic.

Additionally you have to go get an std test. Which implies he has not had one.

So whilst he was feeling all this guilt and feeling sorry for himself, he was not thinking about you, again, and considering how this could effect not just your happiness but your actual health.

If he was such a good husband and father he would’ve thought about you more and his children more. He hasn’t.

This.

He had lots of choices for off loading his guilt. A self help group, books, counselling, a priest or vicar.

But he decided to do the selfish thing and pass the burden of hurt onto you. And to present it in a completely manipulative way -

“ I had two choices - kill myself or tell you. I’ve chosen to tell so now you have to be grateful I’m not dead, not angry that I lied and cheated “.

I'm still crying and in shock at the moment , he's been drowning his sorrows when the kids have gone to bed the last 3 nights saying it's helping him cope. I've quoted some of what's been said on here to him about him and he said he agrees with all of it-he's a c*nt

I don't want to speak to her - I feel I know what happened and I have looked back at phone records etc and remember that month very well

"Helping him cope"?! Bloody hell, he has a nerve.

I know 😤

We went on holiday the following month and had the most fantastic family holiday - felt so pure and amazing . A memory that's now tarnished and fake . I can't even look at pictures of that trip I've had to take them down

Urgh, he was obviously going to be exposed and that's why he got on the front foot. Applause for him throwing in the mental health card as well to emotionally blackmail you, well done son, full marks.

I would Leave the basted for the cheating, even more so for the cuntiness in playing you after.

Just for fun, make him go to counselling with you, he will soon find a way to slither out of it because he knows a counsellor will see through him.amd no doubt you'll start seeing his emotional manipulation.

Kick him out. Because the longer he is there the higher the risk the shock will subside and you will slide back to normal and just resent him.

@VinylDetective

Making stuff up doesn’t mean it happened *@Sonicbloom*. You should write novels.

Sorry I don’t understand??

I'm sure you do @Sonicbloom. You've written things that the OP never posted.

I’m genuinely confused! Like what? She said he spent 2 hours with the woman, said he was drunk and took coke. She said the woman liked him for a while and he knew about it ( so the attraction has potentially grown and then culminated in one night stand). He mentioned the lack of sex from op as a reason. He’s lied for three years by hiding this. What bit did I get wrong?

I've quoted some of what's been said on here to him about him and he said he agrees with all of it-he's a cnt*

Well he got that bit right; shame it's still "Poor me - aren't I awful"
Ditto the drowning his sorrows "to help him cope". I'd ask what about how you're coping but it's clear that means little to him

As ever with these things it can be less about what's happened and more how it's handled, but far from being proactive he's simply indulging in self pity and hoping you'll be so grateful he's not killed himself that you'll get back in your box

Is that what you want to do?

I don't think I'd ever be able to be intimate with him again - that's the kicker

The way I'm feeling right now is that I love him , and I would like to try and move on from this but know myself and no that I can't

Op that’s how I’d feel. My dh did something at the beginning of us dating, texting his ex and lying about it. Years later it still upsets me and if I’d found out when we were dating I would have ended it. I know I find these things hard to forgive. If he actually physically cheated or I had concrete evidence of an affair now i would have to end it immediately. Others are different and can get over these things. I’m just not one of those people either. I would make myself and him miserable as I can’t just shut in a box and move on.

If I don't think I'll ever have sex with him again then there's no point to any of this is there I should just make arrangements for a divorce

@sal1223

If I don't think I'll ever have sex with him again then there's no point to any of this is there I should just make arrangements for a divorce

Well that’s up to you. Personally I’d do 5 things

1. Ask him to move out while you work out what you want to do. Make appropriate arrangements for him to take care of the children - that might mean

Eg him taking them for tea one night and then for all day Saturday and Sunday, depending on where he’s living. DONT let him pop into your house, have dinner and see them whenever he feels like it.

The idea is to keep continuity for the children and give him an idea of what his life will be like as a single dad. It’s not to give him a fun child free life and a dinner cooked by you one a week.

1. See a solicitor to get legal advice about finances / house / children.

1. Get back to work / increase your hours / get more qualifications / do anything you can to strengthen your financial position.

1. Tell your friends and family who will give you emotional support. Don’t tell the ones who won’t.

1. Get counselling by yourself.

@sal1223

The way I'm feeling right now is that I love him , and I would like to try and move on from this but know myself and no that I can't

The key words here are “right now”. The advice not to make any decisions until you’ve had time to process it and get over the shock is very wise. Think of it as being like a bereavement where the best advice is not to make any major changes until your mind is clearer.

None of the pp urging you to call time on your marriage will have to live with the repercussions. You will. It might be a cliche but the old adage about acting in haste and repenting at leisure exists for a reason.

Look after yourself. 💐

I've told my two closest friends who have both said they couldn't forgive their other half's for the same but I've got to do what I want and follow how I feel - maybe put a timeline on it