To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

There's been a lot of self loathing and talk of the turmoil of keeping this from me and how he hates himself . I was like that's GUILT ! And you absolutely should have felt guilty for betraying me - all the other mental health concerns need to be addressed with a doctor - which he doesn't think he needs now he's told me the truth

It really is all about HIM isn't it? I'd hope for at least some focus on what this is doing to you, but no - your role is to help heal him and hold his hand

And how very predictable that his "suicidal tendencies" - a major issue if they really existed - now don't need medical attention "because he's told you"

It's nobody else's place to suggest what you should do since only you can decide that, but I wish you the very best of luck if you decide he can stay ... believe me you'll need it

I’ve never used cocaine but have heard tales about fucking on cocaine and it doesn’t sound so great. Lots of men actually struggle to keep it up after using cocaine and they definitely struggle to finish. Heard it’s a massive disappointment actually, nothing like the movies depict.

It’s up to you ultimately, we can’t tell you what to do. I think I’d mostly be pissed off at the emotional blackmail, he’s basically threatened to kill himself if you get too angry or leave him in not as many words. He won’t kill himself, he’s using it for effect. He’s also quite usefully chosen a good time to tell you, when he knows he can’t go stay with anyone and can’t book a hotel!

I think affairs completely destroy the trust so your marriage will never be the same again. I know I’d personally remain paranoid that my DH was cheating or wanting to.

Your H doesn’t seem arsed about the effect this is having on you either which is making things much worse. It would always be difficult to take but if he’d been honest straight away and tried his best to make things right, I suspect things would be different.

Wow he’s having a proper little self pity party isn’t he. It’s not your problem to fix, don’t be made responsible for assuaging him of his guilt and whatever flaws he has. Honestly I’m not suprised you’re being sick!

It’s the lying for 3 years which would really hurt me. He was able to come home after 14 years of marriage, be normal towards you, sleep with you and act like a happy family for 3 years. It is horrific, he didn’t tell you at the time because he knew you would leave, that was taking away your choice after a decision he had made which just doesn’t sit right with me. The last 3 years would feel like a lie. Ugh. I’m sorry OP.

They had a conversation that he wouldn't leave you and she was so upset she moved away?

That's not a conversation you have after just one sex session.

So sorry, OP

I’d also normality say bin him, but actually I think just take it slow and see how you feel.

I think he’s been selfish on 2 counts - first by doing the deed and secondly by unburdening himself and transferring it on to you. The guilt was too much for him to live with so he told you. That initself is selfish.

Had he told you straight away, I would have had more respect for him, but he’s let you live 3 years as a lie.

See how you feel OP. Never mind him. If you’re life would be more stressful if you separated etc then use him for companionship and financial stability.... he isn’t the man you thought you married but if he can be of use to you in another way then use him for it. If something better comes along for you when kids are older then you take it and don’t feel guilt!

Agree completely with vinyl detective. Anything more though than a one time only massive mistake would be an on your way thing for me. No second chances. However....the same thing happened to my and OH but we moved on from it. I believed my gut instinct that he was genuinely horrified and shocked at his behaviour and I’m so glad I did. That was getting on for 30 years ago now and a more loyal, loving & supportive OH I couldn’t have wished for. Looking back, forgiving him made me feel very “strong” (can’t think of another word) and in no way the victim. We trust each other completely and have a great and fun life together. We both learnt masses from that one mistake and are stronger together for it. It’s something I rarely think about now but your post brought it back and having had a quick flick through the replies I just wanted to add my thoughts in case they help.....good luck!

Ask him how he's going to prevent this from happening again. Bet you he will say he's realised what he could lose, you mean the world to him, he's nothing without you blah blah... basically just hot air. Hes not prepared to do any heavy lifting himself like seeking counselling and mental health support, doing his fair share of parenting....

@Poppy209

Agree completely with vinyl detective. Anything more though than a one time only massive mistake would be an on your way thing for me. No second chances. However....the same thing happened to my and OH but we moved on from it. I believed my gut instinct that he was genuinely horrified and shocked at his behaviour and I’m so glad I did. That was getting on for 30 years ago now and a more loyal, loving & supportive OH I couldn’t have wished for. Looking back, forgiving him made me feel very “strong” (can’t think of another word) and in no way the victim. We trust each other completely and have a great and fun life together. We both learnt masses from that one mistake and are stronger together for it. It’s something I rarely think about now but your post brought it back and having had a quick flick through the replies I just wanted to add my thoughts in case they help.....good luck!

Did he tell you straight away ?

Oh OP, what a shit situation.

Like others have said, you need time to process your thought and feelings and the time that takes is down to you, so don't make any rash major decisions just yet.

For me personally, I made it crystal clear to my DH at the very beginning that I wouldn't tolerate cheating on any level - that's just my thoughts though, so if my DH cheated, he knows he'd be out. No questions.

Only you know what you can tolerate and what you can't.

I don't know your husband obviously but I suspect he's given you a very watered down version of events. He was seemingly incredibly drunk but still managed to use protection and stay with her for two hours ..... hmm

He also should be fighting like crazy for you right now instead of wallowing in his pity party after completely turning your life upside down.

Take your time to process this and then do what is right for you.

@sal1223 I would tell him that he needs to leave for a few weeks so that you have time to think. While he is still there he isn’t allowing you any space to process what has happened. I suggest that you seek legal advice about divorce, as well as getting counselling, so that you understand what your financial position would be if you do decide to separate.

Your DH sounds very manipulative. When I faced something similar, my response to threats of suicide was to tell him it would save the bother of divorcing him!

I mean personally I don't think I could forgive and forget but only you can decide what's best for you x

OP absolutely can end the marriage over this, if she wishes to do so

But she would be foolish to do so, IMHO.

I just wish I had given my marriage a chance. My husband wanted to but I went right off the deep end, as usual. In the end he simply gave-up trying and went back to New York. I ended up in a tiny two bed flat in Shperherds Bush with the cat and my shitty job. It took a toll on my MH so I sold the flat , chucked my job and moved back to my parents farm in Hereford. It had a profound effect on my DD too. She wet the bed for a year and moved school, twice. She was 12 at the time. We're all OK now but I would think long and hard about taking the nuclear option.

Everyone has their own dealbreakers. For me, the ONS would be enough to end a marriage over, but the drugs makes it even worse.

He chose to cheat on you. He chose to take drugs.

He chose to tell you what he had done to make himself feel better.

It is also worth remembering that you are never responsible for someone choosing to take their own life or not. It's disgusting to emotionally blackmail people with 'be nice to me or I'll kill myself' and is not a threat you should listen to. Whether or not you stay with him, you cannot guarantee whether he'll choose to jump off that bridge or not. And you are not responsible.

Things are different now because you know. You cannot go back to unknowing. So, no, nothing you do or don't do can bring your old way of life back. You're not choosing between kicking him out and your old life - you're choosing between kicking him out and your life right now, where you're in pain about what he's done to you. Remember that. The old life is not an option.

It is entirely your decision about what happens next. No one has to live your life for you, and if you decide you'd rather have this man than a period of no man, no one can tell you that you're doing the wrong thing. It's also up to you whether you confide in any people you know. It's not your secret to protect. If it makes you feeling better talking to a friend or family member about what he's done, you can tell them. Your DH broke the marriage contract; you don't need to keep the secret.

Do whatever you need to do to keep going.

Sending you nothing but strength in what must be a horrendous time. Take care of yourself.

What sticks in the throat here is that he goes between placing the responsibility for this on a) the OW, telling you how she so wanted him, wanted you out of the picture, pursued him etc - code, it's her fault, not his

And b) You, putting the decision of where to go from here all on you, telling you how you must be feeling, if you're not feeling like kicking him out now, you surely will in the future.

Just STOP talking, man!

He needs to shut up and start acting like the husband he thinks he should be. It is not fair for him to place responsibility elsewhere for either causing it, or dealing with the fallout. The affair was 50% him, as is his marriage.

This man is cowardly, selfish, pathetic, manipulative and deceitful.

OP do you really want to be with someone like that?

From your updates, he was clearly having an emotional affair with a woman at work. They took the opportunity to have sex on a work do. Maybe other times too or maybe just the one night. But he absolutely did have attraction and feelings for her. It brewed for a while before he actually put his dick in her. I bet he couldn't wait for that opportunity.

This was not a ONS. That's when you meet someone in a club and fuck them and never see them again. They worked together, flirting and building a connection, friendship, feelings and sexual tension before DTD.

I'm not saying this to hurt you. I just want you to see the reality. It was not a ONS even if they only had sex over one night. He is minimising it.

And as for the shitfest he has created now to make himself feel better, what a cunt. You'd have been happy not knowing. Ask yourself why he really told you. Because he wants out and is too pathetic to say so, and wants to make you the bad guy for breaking up the family. No. He did this.

He won't fight because he doesn't want to.

Don't tolerate this shit. Build yourself a new life. Find someone worthy of you, who you can trust.

So he screwed someone else, has told you & expects you to deal with your feelings, his feelings & tell him how to behave from now on?

If he needs telling-what's the point?

Well imho what's the point anyway?

He sounds bloody horrible.

@GobbeHappy

OP absolutely can end the marriage over this, if she wishes to do so

But she would be foolish to do so, IMHO.

I just wish I had given my marriage a chance. My husband wanted to but I went right off the deep end, as usual. In the end he simply gave-up trying and went back to New York. I ended up in a tiny two bed flat in Shperherds Bush with the cat and my shitty job. It took a toll on my MH so I sold the flat , chucked my job and moved back to my parents farm in Hereford. It had a profound effect on my DD too. She wet the bed for a year and moved school, twice. She was 12 at the time. We're all OK now but I would think long and hard about taking the nuclear option.

There are many stories on here that show women thriving afterwards. I’m sorry you had a bad experience. I hope life is better now Personally, my mental health would be much much worse staying with someone who cheated, id never get the visuals of him with another woman out of my head for one, especially when being intimate ourselves. Let alone the trust being gone. It’s important to take time though and understand what you want. If it were me, I would ask him to leave - there are options even in covid. Put the onus on him to find those out e.g enquire with local hotels. You can stay somewhere else when a marriage breaks down I think. It would give me time to think and look at my options ( like divorce and financial implications) . I would also feel that there wouldn’t be the fights and atmosphere if he were around in front of the dcs. Minimising impact to them.

OP he's drip feeding you information. Now there were feeling involved and it was two hours rather than a quick drunk rollabout. There's much more to this!

I would get counselling together and move on. You say he’s a good man and this shows through his guilt and eventual confession. You have built 17 years of marriage and a family unit which aside from this you say were solid. It’s 1 mistake and he’s clearly paid for it in guilt and misery. No one is perfect, we are all humans and the main thing to remember was that it was a drunken one night stand not a drawn out affair. No excuse but an intoxicated mind does not make rational decisions. And he’s clearly paid for this emotionally over the following 3 years. Move on, remember why you’re together and why you love him, ask him to never drink again. Start a new chapter together. It might even make you stronger. Make sure he knows this was his one strike and next time he’s out.

This is how I would play it. I think the alternative (divorce, starting again, unhappiness for all, financial downturn for all due to running 2 households, eventually seeing him move on with someone else) would feel like a far worse life to live in reality.

I’m not saying the next year will be easy but a 17 year marriage might be worth trying to repair rather than dispose of in the long run if there was love and happiness before you found out.

Mumsnet women are harsh and often unrealistic and will always advise you to chuck him out in this situation. But in real life it’s not always the best advice.

@GobbeHappy
What! Your DH abandoned his child? Moved thousands of miles away? And you think it’s your fault she wet the bed. Wow

I had quite a lot of sex on coke as a 20 something - it might make you ragingly horny but it also makes it very difficult to stay hard.

My thoughts haven’t changed but that’s an interesting tidbit he’s thrown in there.

@Landofthefree is spot on here. You need space to think without him whining down your neck and rationally weigh up your options. Ask him to leave. Where is not your problem.

Also agree with @Marinaloves I was shocked and saddened by that post!

It’s important to take time though and understand what you want. If it were me, I would ask him to leave - there are options even in covid. Put the onus on him to find those out e.g enquire with local hotels

Strongly agree with this - not in an "it's over for good" way, but simply to give OP time to get her head around it without the bleating, the expectation that she'll be the one to do all the work, and the overall obsession with himself

Except I very much doubt he'll do it, and if pushed the suicide threats will probably re-appear