To even consider giving husband second chance

[sal1223]

Husband of 17 years , 2 kids and what I thought was a happy life confessed to me late last night that he had a one night stand 3 years ago. Totally out of character for him - she'd been openly pursuing him apparently - and he got blind drunk one night and had sex with her. I'm devastated, heartbroken and can't stop crying - I'm in shock . I always thought that when a partner does this the other person should immediately kick them out and end the relationship but I'm not feeling as black and white about it as I thought I'd be . He says he hates himself and never told me because he loves me and didn't want me to leave him but the guilt has been too much to bear and he's considered taking his life - that's when he decided to tell me.
YABU - kick him out
YANBU - it was a one off with no emotional connection that he deeply regrets

Wtf do I do ? I'm working from home with the kids and he's working on site - the woman has moved away.
I love him , the kids love him he's a great dad but my head is swimming - I've been sick , can't eat , can't focus . Any advise ? X

They would have been buzzing and fucking like rabbits if it's anything like what I've heard , I wouldn't know - haven't done it and don't want to

I know OP, it feels crap, when it happened to me I told him there was no more him and me, he had lived a double life for more than 20 years and the one I found out about was the tip of the iceberg. Then it was all apparently my fault, he stopped trying to blame me when I said to him every time that he made it that way. If it was genuinely one time I don’t know what I would have done. That’s why I think having individual counselling with someone that’s across betrayal will help you figure out your thoughts.

Yes have made enquiries about counselling for me . I'm flitting between pure rage and anguish at the moment torturing myself imagining them together

I remember the stage you’re going through too, I couldn’t even look at him after knowing where his mouth had been.

I've been really graphic too saying things I never imagined I'd say about what they must have done to each other - it's making me ill

I'd be getting rid of it.

It’s normal to get angry, can’t be helped.

In your shoes I know I would feel like you but I would give him another chance.

I forgave my husband after an affair, it was really hard but I knew I wanted to try. Too many people give up on things these days we live in a throw away society it’s hard but if it can be fixed why not try and save your marriage? It may turn out you can’t forgive him but least you can say you tried. You are allowed to be upset and angry!

@sal1223

I've been really graphic too saying things I never imagined I'd say about what they must have done to each other - it's making me ill

It's all speculation; you really don't know. And while I agree he clearly wasn't that hammered if he was capable of performing, it probably wasn't the transcendent experience you're imagining either; drunk/drugged sex doesn't tend to be and if he really didn't go back for more, it couldn't have been that earth shattering.

Okay. So he is saying he wants to stay married but doesn't think deserves a second chance. My advice is to tell him to start act like someone who might deserve a second chance. He should e.g. googling books, therapists, couples yoga retreats, rehab for cheaters, Angel therapy camps. Whatever. Right now he is not giving you any reason to stay married. It is still fresh and I can understand that he is feeling self pity but tell him to get off his ass and give you a reason not to leave.

I don't think cheating is black/white one and done. However, right now he is not doing the work that a man wanting to remain married should be doing.

You don't have to decide now. The best thing would be for him to move out for a while and give you space. You can decide if you want to work on things then. If you do, expect it to take time and consider having some relationship counselling to work on things.

His mental health problems/suicidal thoughts are likely to be due to substance abuse, that will be the cause of his behaviour, as well, it is never harmless fun.

I had found text messages describing in detail what had happened as they reminisced. I wish I hadn’t read them. My advice is to think through what your dealbreaker is and do what feels right for you.

Clearly there is more to this. I would bet this has been going on up until recently, and ow has now threatened to tell, or someone else has, and this is damage limitation. He is admitting to as little as possible and playing down the whole thing. Not a chance in hell he is speaking out three years later through guilt.

I know where she is now and when she left - no one would believe me if I told you where she is - it's far out

she'd been openly pursuing him apparently

Whenever I read phrases like this relating to cheating husbands, I always picture some ferocious fanged vagina hunting down some very innocent - and yet erect - penis. The poor wee fellow is swallowed up whole by the nasty predator. David Attenborough should do a documentary about it.

If he wants your forgiveness, he can at least own what he's done, and stop blaming external forces, stress, drink whatever. He saw an opportunity and took it, end of story. AS others have pointed out, unless your stressful home life has "driven" you to shag someone else too, then why should he get the free pass? And yes, he has shifted the burden, because now the onus is on you to save the marriage. He could have spent the last 3 guilty years treating you like a queen to make up for what he had done, kept his mouth shut, and resolved to be the best husband and father ever. He hasn't though, has he. He's given you 3 years of grief (with you no doubt struggling to keep him happy on top of your other burdens) and now dropped he's this bombshell to make a complete mockery of all your efforts. Please tread carefully.

@PurpleKoala exactly

Is she is prison?

He sounds very manipulative to me, very clever how he is trying to shift the guilt onto you by saying he is suicidal. How could you possibly leave someone who is suicidal??
Personally, id be out of there like a shot.

@Livelovebehappy

Clearly there is more to this. I would bet this has been going on up until recently, and ow has now threatened to tell, or someone else has, and this is damage limitation. He is admitting to as little as possible and playing down the whole thing. Not a chance in hell he is speaking out three years later through guilt.

I completely disagree. Some people really do fuck up once, wake up and realise how awful a thing they have done, never do it again, and are wracked with guilt for years. And some take it to the grave. Sounds like he almost did.

Normally I am in the "always leave a cheater" camp. Not this time.

@sal1223 if you love this man and want to work it out and move towards forgiveness and healing, do so. You are going to be hurting for a long as you heal, with or without him in your life. At the end of the day, that is the decision: apart from this one incident, is your life better or worse without him in it. Do what works for you. And that may take a while to figure out, and you can expect to be all over the map emotionally. The time to heal and the time to make decisions is yours and you can take as long as you need.

I agree that an affair, while never right, isn't always an act of evil, can have context and isn't necessarily the end of a marriage. But a lot of it depends on what happens afterwards. Dropping it like a bomb three years later, with a tidal wave of "it's all about me, you should kick me out even though I'll take my life if you do, oh I'm so terrible, woe is me" is not encouraging behaviour.

I agree people can make a mistake but he isn’t taking ownership of it which is a red flag. There’s drink, drugs, the woman pursuing him etc all excuses. He’s focused on the impact on himself , his anxiety, his burden, me me me. He isn’t showing op how he will act differently and change for the better or understanding the impact on her.
We also don’t really know if he’s telling the truth. I think op needs to do a lot more digging to satisfy that this is all there is to the story

@katy1213

You can't throw 17 years of marriage away for one stupid fuck. But it was very selfish - and stupid - of him to have told you.

OP absolutely can end the marriage over this, if she wishes to do so

But it wouldn't be her that "threw the marriage away". It would be her DH. If you're unfaithful, you have to accept the potential consequences

No need to rush into any decisions. You need to allow yourself time to absorb this initially. Think about how you will feel about this in 10 years time. Picture yourselves at your child’s uni graduation, together and separately. Infidelity can be worked through.

I always said that my marriage would be finished if my H was unfaithful. I do not feel that way now it’s happened to me.

Well meaning people will tell you to leave and you’ll hear phrases like ‘once a cheater, always a cheater’. Do what’s right for you and your family in the short and long term.

Good luck. x