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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

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Original poster

Has life turned out better or worse Than you expected?

174 replies

Sunnydays999 · 19/02/2021 13:17

For me it’s better ( not including lockdown)
Had a awful childhood and difficult teens as I dealt with the hand I was given . Now I look back and think things are so much better than I thought they ever would be .Not a millionaire or anything, but
Healthy no major issues
Healthy kids
Job I like
Good husband
Like my home
Nothing out the ordinary but the sort of things I thought would be out of reach to me
Life is definitely better than I thought it would be . But that’s maybe because I had a horrendous childhood- but anyway what about you

OP posts:

motheroreily · 19/02/2021 14:49

Worse than I imagined but I'm happier with the life I've got rather than what I wanted

I grew up very unhappy in a cult family. I always saw getting married as my way out. I thought I'd be married by 22 to a nice cult man and not have sex until I was married and have 4 children.

Anyway I'm a single parent. I'm an atheist and a lot happier knowing I'm in some control of my life rather than a god. I'm not rich but have more disposable income than my parents did and my child is happy and doesn't fear hell or the end of the world.

Luckystar1 · 19/02/2021 15:00

I think, I will look back and be grateful and glad of what I have, as I have 3 beautiful children, a nice house, a husband etc etc. However, I sometimes feel trapped by it all, and feel like I’ve had lots of not nice things happen to me, that have been brushed aside.

I had an ok childhood, we had things, and did things but it never felt warm and cosy. I moved away when I was 20, met DH, had a good career.

Then I moved jobs, hated it, got pregnant, miscarried, got pregnant, became a SAHM. That was so lonely. I was alone all the time, with zero help. Then had another baby soon after. Things went quickly downhill, husband had an affair, awful, awful times.

Then had 3 more miscarriages.

But on the outside I have so many great things. I’m very grateful for them, and I know people look at my life and see only those things, but you truly never know what someone has gone through.

But what I feel I’ve never truly had, is the love and support of my parents, and without that, I’ve felt lost, even now as an adult.

In many ways I feel like I trapped myself through fear. Too scared to be the free spirit that I feel I am inside, I don’t know if that makes sense.

DynamoKev · 19/02/2021 15:04

Not as shit as I expected in most areas.

SausageCrush · 19/02/2021 15:04

Worse. Much worse.

Up until 5 months ago I would have said better as I was content with a stable family life and work and good friends.

Then my 20 year old son took his own life and now I am locked into a lifetime of grief.

I will never be the same again.

1FootInTheRave · 19/02/2021 15:05

Far far better.

Much of which is down to having fantastic, loving grandparents and a fabulous husband whom I adore and who adores me.

HeidiHaughton · 19/02/2021 15:06

Much better. I met dh after years of unhappy singleness and poor experiences with men. We have a lovely marriage and great children with no health problems. I was always an anxious, worried child and teenager and once I disentangled myself from my mother in particular things improved greatly. I have also developed a great network of friends and took up new hobbies as I got older and gained more confidence. Not giving a damn what people think of me and realising they don't even think of me that much was very liberating.

Tohaveandtohold · 19/02/2021 15:13

Much better than I would have thought.
I grew up in an African country. My wonderful dad died and life went downhill since then with my mother who didn’t care about us and spent all the inheritance my dad left us in her trust with her partner whilst we were barely fed. He later left her and she took it all out on us. Life was miserable, the future was bleak, everything felt hopeless.

Managed to get some scholarship to finish secondary school and went to university. It was a tough ride. At Uni, I met my now husband. He came to England for further studies, we got married and I came here too. 10 years after we got here and we’re not well off but I’m grateful to God that I’m alive, I’m a British citizen, we’re a 2 income household, own a house with a mortgage, have 2 children and generally happy.
Many of these things are normal but thinking back to when I was 12, living in extreme hunger, a hateful mother, poverty and deprivation, I never knew I could live to be an adult.
One thing I never thought I’ll ever do is forgive my mother but I did. Our relationship is irreparable but I’m not constantly living with the hurt as I’m in a better place.

FolkyFoxFace · 19/02/2021 15:15

Better I think, aside from my parents dying while I was late 20's. They didn't get to see me get married and won't see their grandkids - that's played on my mind recently, probably as I'm due to have my baby soon. I've also had anxiety and depression issues exacerbated by this in the past.

But, I've got an amazing DH after a run of idiots. Was reaching a point of not wanting to bother with relationships, so I feel so lucky every day. Smushy as it sounds. Good job, own house, no mortgage, lovely garden, great relationships with my siblings.

I enjoy the little things in life. Books, nice cup of tea, a cuddle on the couch. I'm much more settled in who I am than I ever expected, which is one of the best things I could have imagined - silly as it sounds!

Luckystar1 · 19/02/2021 15:16

@SausageCrush my deepest sympathies to you. What a heartbreaking thing.

Levirandal · 19/02/2021 15:19

Way worse. Three children and two have special needs. Complex special needs. My career and mental health are in the toilet and although I do work part time it’s quite stressful and it’s one of the few jobs that work around the children. We don’t travel as our children struggle to cope and our house is constantly a tip.

Disressingtimes · 19/02/2021 15:19

Much, much worse.

DaisyandIvy · 19/02/2021 15:19

@SausageCrush

Worse. Much worse.

Up until 5 months ago I would have said better as I was content with a stable family life and work and good friends.

Then my 20 year old son took his own life and now I am locked into a lifetime of grief.

I will never be the same again.

I’m so so sorry. This is just the worst possible thing and my heart goes out to you in the biggest possible way it can through mere words. Every day must be gut wrenchingly hard.

partyofsixteen · 19/02/2021 15:32

So much more filled with happiness and love than I could have hoped for. My mum died when I was a baby, foster home after foster home, knob head father remarried, emotionally and physically abusive childhood, low self esteem, always searching for love. Was very lucky to find my husband. Been married 24 years, two lovely now adult children. I count my blessings every single single day.

clpsmum · 19/02/2021 15:53

Worse

clpsmum · 19/02/2021 15:54

So much worse I don't know how much longer I'll cope if I'm being completely honest

Pastnowfuture · 19/02/2021 15:58

Life is both happier and harder than expected. I have a network of great relationships, can pay bills each month without stress, no current health issues and I have things in my life that make me smile and feel grateful everyday.

Never realised life could be so good but I was naive in not understanding the effort that goes into life- budgeting/juggling commitments/dealing with negative people etc

CurbsideProphet · 19/02/2021 15:59

It's difficult to say. I've got a lovely DH and we have a happy marriage and our own home. However we've found out that we will need IVF to have the best chance of having a family, which has been completely devastating.

DanniM1986 · 19/02/2021 16:07

Worse. I hate being a parent, I love my daughter with every bit of me. But I suffer with terrible anxiety and I’m constantly worrying to the point I don’t sleep properly. It’s taking over my life. I never thought I wouldn’t be this mum, she deserves better

Thoughtcontagion · 19/02/2021 16:10

Worse my life is nothing like I imagined it would be

NovemberR · 19/02/2021 16:19

A mixture I think.

Had a crap first marriage, have found parenting very difficult at times, have never had any money and have had some extremely difficult years with health.

On the other hand, now have a job I really enjoy, DH2 is (mostly) great and we have a nice home, although it's a financial struggle most months to pay the bills.

Overall I'm probably content. I was a fairly miserable child who couldn't wait to grow up and be something wonderful. I desperately dreamed of being a world famous actress or at least, beautiful. Instead I'm still fairly plain, still very ordinary, but mostly good at counting my blessings.

VeryScary · 19/02/2021 16:24

Just different - I had very different ambitions when I was younger and I haven’t achieved those. But I’ve changed so much over the years that I’m much happier with what I’ve got now than I would be with what I thought I wanted.

AntiHop · 19/02/2021 16:28

@DanniM1986

Please see your gp. It doesn't have to be this way.

Funneth · 19/02/2021 16:48

I can't really say as I didn't really think about the future when I was younger. Most of my childhood was reasonably happy, if poor (socioeconomically), but towards the end of it, from about age 14/15 to moving out at 19 it got progressively worse with dometic violence and generally my family treating me as a scapegoat for their problems. So my starting point in life was difficult, emotionally because of what I'd been through and also physically because I had an extremely painful condition where a nerve was compressed in my neck going into my arm. Although I didn't expect to have experienced as much illness as I have so far, especially while young (I'm 28 now and also have endometriosis), and things have been hard, what I would say is I like the person I've become. I'm not perfect, no one is, but I'm well educated and sociable and hard working and I love thinking of things to do for others and seeing them through. I think that when you consider whether or not you're happy, a lot of it comes down to how you feel about yourself as a person.

Crispyturtle · 19/02/2021 16:49

At this point, it’s turned out pretty much how I expected. I’ve got a good partner, nice kids, I enjoy my job which I only do part time, I live in a lovely area, I haven’t experienced hardship or bereavement or ever been treated poorly. I am extremely, extremely lucky and very grateful.

MintyCedric · 19/02/2021 16:50

Swings and roundabouts really.

Stable job but don't really enjoy it and need to earn better money really. I envisaged having a 'proper' career that would have led to me working freelance for good money by now.

Divorced...better than still being married to emotionally abusive/controlling ex, but still not what anyone aims for when they get married...also didn't expect to still be single 5 years down the line tbh. It's not something that's bothered me particularly but due to a combo of Covid and personal circumstances it's rankling lately and I don't like how that feels.

I certainly didn't expect to be caring for a dying father and extremely high maintenance mum for an extended period of time with little support and no light at the end of the tunnel.

I thought I'd travel more. Made some inroads after getting divorced but obviously all on hold now and even post-Covid any future plans will no doubt be dependent on the elderly parents situation.

On the upside:

I own my little house which is my absolute sanctuary

I have lovely friends and my best mate is beyond amazing

I have an incredible 16yo DD. I always thought I'd have more kids but it wasn't to be, which is fine because the one I do I have is practically perfect in every way...I really could not have forseen how bloody lucky I would be to have her.

I live in pretty nice part of the country

My health, physically at least, is okay, considering I'm overweight, and the issues I do have are easily controlled.

I'm still only 45 so hopefully there's plenty of time to improve on the stuff that hasn't quite worked out.

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