To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

[H3llohEll0]

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

Often older men seek out younger, more maliable women if they have a controlling side to them. Also your past makes you more vulnerable to accepting abusive behaviour, and these men seem to know it. He's a sex pest. You're too scared to rock the boat because he will sulk - for days! He doesn't ask if you'd like a bath, he presents it as a fait accompli. He's going to run your bath now. It's a subtle difference, but it means he knows you have to feel brave enough to say no. If it was a polite question a 'no thanks' wouldn't have the confrontational element he's built in.

Do you feel like you're walking on eggshells around him? Eggshells = abuse.

Honestly he's a sex pest and the sulking and moping is pathetic - he's in his mid thirties!!!!

Have a proper conversation with him. That you don't want sex as much as him and the constant pressure for more is a complete turn off as is the sulking and it's a deal breaker.

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question

Have you read the OP's posts about him constantly groping her? It's going to take one hell of a seduction technique to get past that.

Vile behaviour.

Oh OP this isnt a good relationship for you at all. The age difference and your need to be a people pleaser has left you with a man who makes you feel inadequate and boring.

And trapped OP by his response to you asserting yourself which is to stonewall and not speak to you.

I dont think this is a healthy relationship for you at all

I never quite understand how people manage to get as obsessive about sex as this. If he'd like it multiple times a day and is climbing the walls if he doesn't get it, how does he cope if he goes out to work? How would he cope if he had a job that needs his full concentration for long periods of time, e.g. operating dangerous machinery, or as a surgeon or barrister? And what sort of self-respect can you have if you are so completely ruled by your genitals that you spend all your time panting over the nearest woman like a dog with a bitch on heat?

He's a horrible sex pest. Groping you like a hormonal teenager is just creepy and intrusive. You need to get tough OP
Just say Sod off, I don't want sex and if you go in a childish huff I don't care.

OP having read your last two posts I think you might need to think about breaking up. It is damaging your self esteem. He’s mid 30s not a baby and he sulks?? Seriously that is unattractive. By sulking he is trying to control your behaviour - and it seems to be working. You are NOT boring for not wanting sex every day.

And @RepulsedofRedbridge men and women can seduce their partners but read the room first. If I have my nose in a book my DP knows he won’t get any sense from me as I am lost to it. If he started to try and seduce me I probably wouldn’t even notice or it would really piss me off that he’d interrupted me. Also, seduction doesn’t follow a set path. There is no romance or seduction in being told to have a bath every night. There is also fuck all romance or seduction in being groped all day and being too scared to say no because of the sulking that will follow.

OP I'm sorry to hear this. I left my exDH and this was one of the main reasons. People who haven't had a partner like that don't get it. I actually have a high libido but when every hug, every act of intimacy, every kind act like running you a bath has the sole purpose of leading to sex then it all becomes really stressful. It's all about him, you just become a warm body he needs to satisfy himself. How can you want to have sex with someone who doesn't respect you or care about your needs and wants? I used to cramp up when he would come from behind and give me a hug. Because I knew it had to lead to sex or he'd go all quiet and ruin the evening because all conversation was off. It honestly made me not want any sex at all. It ruined any physical enjoyment. No amount of talking and arguing and ultimatums ever did the trick. I have a another partner now and he doesn't act like this at all. It still makes really sad how long I put up with exH's behaviour.

Katy1213's suggested response is perfect

You are not Pavlov's dig and he is not allowed to condition you to react to his desires.

That is a fit of coercive control.

Personally, I would find that an immense turn off and I'd have an 'oh no!' response rather than the 'ah yes!' that he wants.

I would actively work to change the dynamic here. Actually, I would actively work to offload that DP...

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question

Acceptable behaviour includes respecting that your initiation of sex may be turned down, without sulking or otherwise punishing the partner for that - that is coercive control. Groping and ordering your wife to go and have her shower now, ie prepare herself for sex, is not seduction, it's an instruction. And if she feels she can't say no, and you're capitalising on that, it's a form of abuse. Come on, you know what is acceptable and what isn't.

Men like this know that groping is the most likely way to turn a woman off.

They don't do it to 'seduce' because they know how fucking annoying it is. They just do it because they want to.

Then they use other tactics like the bullying, sulking, etc. to force her to allow his penis into her body. They don't actually care whether or not she wants it.

Oh I wish I had your problems!
My dh thinks I have too many baths! I'd have 3 a day if I could justify the water use.

OP, I have been with my OH for over 30 years and sex is not the be all and end all between us. Sometimes a cuddle is all that's needed and to lie in bed snuggling up.

I have 2 grown up daughters and would be horrified if any of them was in your situation.

Does he follow you around panting and groping when his children are with you, if he does then that's gross, if not, he can control himself.

Yep, horndog sexpest's first wife got sick of being used as a human sex doll. That's why he was single. Takes a lot for most women with kids to get to the point where she ends things with the dad.

Then he targeted you, low self-esteem, past trauma.

You're 27. Do you seriously want to live the rest of your life with this sulky, coercive dog? Seriously?

Is your home rented?

I'd be gutted if my daughter hooked up with a man like this and wasted her life being pawed at like a sex toy.

Sulking, moping that lasts for days, climbing the walls if he doesn't get to use you like a domestic appliance, groping, etc is all unacceptable.

And he will never change.

Sorry but this is creepy. Is it possible he's set up a camera?

How you can feel romantic towards this man is incredible to me.

Maybe start to try and 'see' other stuff. I would be looking to see if any or other of his behaviours of his are all self serving.

If I felt that my DH had no sense of my personality outside of the bedroom, I would be re-thinking.

Set up a situation where he has to help you but get nothing out of it himself to see how that goes.

My sister is totally self serving. She does literally nothing unless she gets a kick back of some sort. After DDad moved into a care home, she didn't go near him for five years. When he was dying I begged her to go see him and she did but she took a photo to put on SM. Had she not been able to do that, I doubt she would have gone. That is an extreme version of the personality type I am wondering if your DH is but sometimes you have to do a bit of manipulating back to get a clear view.

Once you have clarified vision, then you make better decisions.

@MrsBrunch

Men like this know that groping is the most likely way to turn a woman off.

They don't do it to 'seduce' because they know how fucking annoying it is. They just do it because they want to.

Then they use other tactics like the bullying, sulking, etc. to force her to allow his penis into her body. They don't actually care whether or not she wants it.

This with bells on.

He sounds awful OP.

You need to wake up.

Is this REALLY what you want for your future?

Living with someone who thinks your body is there for his convenience.

I think for men like this, any woman who puts up with them is good enough.

You are only 27, please wake up.

If you get pregnant by him, life is going to get a LOT harder.
He will see that he has caught you and your body autonomy will become a distant memory.

There was the most absolutely shocking thread on here recently about a poor woman who was being grabbed, held down, sexually assaulted daily, with her baby in the bed with her.
He started as a sexpest that sulked.

Never dismiss this type of relentless daily demand for sex from a man who can't hear no and sulks.

It is a recipe for a life time of misery.

@H3llohEll0

It's not a guessing game. He's your partner. You allow parts of his body inside parts of yours, and yet don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation when he's doing something that makes you feel really uncomfortable. Why?

It's probably because I'm lacking self esteem. Underneath my annoyance at him always hankering after sex, there's a part of me which feels inadequate/boring for not wanting it as much as he does.

OK, it's good you recognise that, because it's HUGE, in terms of the changes you can make to make your life and your relationships happier.

I have a question for you (and further questions, if you're up for answering them): You say there's a part of you that feels inadequate/boring. Is there another part that sits inside you, feeling a bit pissed off, saying things like 'But surely it's up to me how often I want to have sex. I shouldn't have to do it when I don't feel like it, just because he wants to!'

We do have it every other day but occasionally a couple of days will go by and by then he's practically climbing the walls.

Has he never heard of a wank?

Really couldn't be doing with being groped as a hint that DH wants sex.
Sulking behaviour is a huge turnoff.
Next time he suggests you have a shower tell him to have a cold one himself.

If one of us is in the mood we might ask the other, if it's a no that's no big deal, if it's a yes that's great.

What would you say to a friend in your situation?

Creep AF. Sorry OP. I couldn't put up with that behaviour.

@rawalpindithelabrador

Yep, horndog sexpest's first wife got sick of being used as a human sex doll. That's why he was single. Takes a lot for most women with kids to get to the point where she ends things with the dad.

Then he targeted you, low self-esteem, past trauma.

You're 27. Do you seriously want to live the rest of your life with this sulky, coercive dog? Seriously?

Is your home rented?

I'd be gutted if my daughter hooked up with a man like this and wasted her life being pawed at like a sex toy.

Sulking, moping that lasts for days, climbing the walls if he doesn't get to use you like a domestic appliance, groping, etc is all unacceptable.

And he will never change.

And this of course.

@TheWernethWife

Being with somebody with such a high libido has made me question myself on more than one occasion and wonder whether the problem is me and whether I'm inadequate and boring for not wanting sex every day

You are NOT inadequate and boring OP - you are living with a bloody sex pest who sulks when he doesn't get his end away. How can you find this attractive.

With bells on.

The reason I don't address the groping is because he'll act all offended. I realise that's his problem and not mine but I just cannot be doing with him moping about like he has been told off. When he goes into a sulk because he's embarrassed or offended it can last for days and makes for an unpleasant atmosphere in the house

The more you write, the more manipulative he sounds. This kind of PA behaviour is horrible - I watched a DGM pull that stunt on DM for years and it used to drive me nuts.

I assumed from your first posts he was quite young but a mid thirties behaving like a sex starved teen is pretty unattractive. Men who only do something "nice" to get their end away tend to make that "nice" thing a turn off.

I haven't read the thread but I just wanted to say, and this almost 100% won't be the case for you, but I just saw the title of your thread, it filled me with dread.

My ex used to do the exact same thing to me. At first I thought it was nice, if not a bit odd, at first. He was in the military, so he'd be away during the week and then at weekends he started being overly nice to me, always offering to run me a bath.

One day I was using my laptop and something told me to switch accounts onto his. It was linked up to his Apple account so all his messages came through to the computer. He was talking to other girls.

Turns out he'd started to date other girls in the week when he was away from me, then at weekends he'd run me baths so he could have an hour where he'd chat to them without me being there.

Again, not saying that's happening to you, but something to be aware of!