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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
Moonstone1234 · 19/02/2021 08:53

Of course the AIBU threads are a different matter though.

AnitaB888 · 19/02/2021 08:54

OP,
'Yea and thankfully OP hasn't been stupid enough to marry him and can just walk away.'

Here's your answer OP ^

moomin11 · 19/02/2021 08:56

Yep this would bother me too especially as it is his sign of expecting sex. Just tell him from now on not to offer, you can run a bath yourself if you want one.

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 08:58

men have fragile egos

Yes quite.

The reason I don't address the groping is because he'll act all offended. I realise that's his problem and not mine but I just cannot be doing with him moping about like he has been told off. When he goes into a sulk because he's embarrassed or offended it can last for days and makes for an unpleasant atmosphere in the house.

I realise that by not asserting myself I'm putting up with behaviour I don't like for the sake of not upsetting him. I also realise I'm damaging my own self esteem. I clearly have an issue with boundaries - that is why it's taken so long for me to address the bath thing.

For the PP who asked, I'm 27. He's mid thirties.

The rest of the relationship is fine and we get along well, we virtually never argue but on the rare occasion when we do it's because I've had enough of him acting like a horny teenager and finally snap after biting my tongue for a period of time.

what trauma?

I have sex related trauma in my past. It's nothing to do with him but it rears its head from time to time when I'm feeling under pressure.

Being with somebody with such a high libido has made me question myself on more than one occasion and wonder whether the problem is me and whether I'm inadequate and boring for not wanting sex every day.

OP posts:
SlopesOff · 19/02/2021 08:58

I even use femfresh down below so I know for a fact I don't smell grin

Femfresh is foul, it stinks. Mingles with what is is meant to cover up.
Maybe it is because he wants sex. Maybe would like to just cuddle up with a relaxed, clean body.

SlopesOff · 19/02/2021 09:02

Have just read the post before mine, wasn't there when I started typing. I haven't changed my view on Femfresh but couldn't accept the groping and sulking.

Eckhart · 19/02/2021 09:02

@BobbidyBob

I’d never come across so many people that can’t communicate effectively before I joined MN.

In my relationship, we’d sit down and have a discussion about this - I’d explain how I felt and how it seemed to me like it was about sex rather than the bath, about how even if that’s not the intention it makes me feel uncomfortable etc. I’d expect the outcome of this to be DH not telling me when to bath again in future, and if he did I’d tell him we already discussed it and to stop. If he persevered after that then it’s a real problem. I wouldn’t be trying to “break associations” or doing the mental equivalent of whacking his nose with a rolled-up newspaper. He’s a human, not a dog, and an open conversation until the situation is resolved is surely more appropriate.

This. What the hell is going on here? He's doing something, you're guessing at the meaning of it, and reacting as if you know that's the truth.

Why not ask him if that's why he's doing it? Why not tell him that you don't like him running your baths and talking about when he thinks you should shower? Why not state to him what you think might be going on, and tell him how you'd prefer it to be? OP is communicating poorly (and, potentially, so is her partner), and lots of people here are telling her to 'try to suss things out' by doing x, and hint to him that you don't like it by doing y.

It's not a guessing game. He's your partner. You allow parts of his body inside parts of yours, and yet don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation when he's doing something that makes you feel really uncomfortable.

Why?

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 09:03

Femfresh is foul, it stinks. Mingles with what is is meant to cover up.

That's not in line with my experience of it, I've been using it for the past few years and I don't have a smell down there at all after using it.

OP posts:
TheWernethWife · 19/02/2021 09:04

Being with somebody with such a high libido has made me question myself on more than one occasion and wonder whether the problem is me and whether I'm inadequate and boring for not wanting sex every day

You are NOT inadequate and boring OP - you are living with a bloody sex pest who sulks when he doesn't get his end away. How can you find this attractive.

Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 09:05

It's not a guessing game. He's your partner. You allow parts of his body inside parts of yours, and yet don't seem able to have a straightforward conversation when he's doing something that makes you feel really uncomfortable. Why?

It's probably because I'm lacking self esteem. Underneath my annoyance at him always hankering after sex, there's a part of me which feels inadequate/boring for not wanting it as much as he does.

OP posts:
Original poster
H3llohEll0 · 19/02/2021 09:07

You are NOT inadequate and boring OP - you are living with a bloody sex pest

Thank you.

I think deep down I know that and just needed to hear others confirm as much.

OP posts:
Mellonsprite · 19/02/2021 09:09

Urgh I knew straight away this would be about him wanting sex. He’s about a subtle as a sledgehammer Sad.
I think the only think is to be equally blunt back and tell him baths do not equal sex in your Ming. And for good measure stop groping you throughout the day because it’s fucking grim.

Mellonsprite · 19/02/2021 09:09

Ming = mind !!!

Redruby2020 · 19/02/2021 09:10

@katy1213

Why is it supposed to be caring? It's hardly onerous to turn on a tap! I'd sooner he did something useful like the washing-up!
🤣
Redruby2020 · 19/02/2021 09:11

@katy1213

I suppose you could always smile sweetly and say, 'You can go and wank now.'
This is great 😁
RepulsedofRedbridge · 19/02/2021 09:14

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question

MrsBrunch · 19/02/2021 09:16

@H3llohEll0 being too afraid to object to groping and unwanted sex is a very bad situation to be in. You need to understand that this is not normal in a relationship.

I think this has probably happened over such a long period of time that you're not sure how you got to this place and don't know how to get out of it

What do you get out of this relationship at the moment?

cansu · 19/02/2021 09:16

Sounds hideous. You need to tell him to stop groping you. I would hate that. I have experienced that and if anything made me want to never have sex again it was someone randomly grabbing me when I was doing chores or just going about my day. The bath running is also a not so subtle signal for you to stop doing what you want and get ready to have sex with him. Stand up for yourself.

Mellonsprite · 19/02/2021 09:17

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question
By reading the room, not by bluntly saying ok I’ll run you a bath, stop what you’re doing and get cleaned up so I can get my leg over. Which is what ‘ill run you a bath now’ is code for.
billy1966 · 19/02/2021 09:19

@rawalpindithelabrador

Another woman who took up with some guy who has kids and is a sexpest. There's a reason why these men became single. Initiates every night? Nah.
This.

I wouldn't be dismissing this lightly.
Flowers

Therealjudgejudy · 19/02/2021 09:19

OP, he is a sex pest. And a sulking one at that. How do you even find him attractive?

And the groping is just wrong. You sound lovely, he has just eroded your self esteem. Read your book. Tell him to grow up. Hes a parent for goodness sake acting like a horny teenager. Gross

Biffbaff · 19/02/2021 09:20

@OP you are NOT inadequate and boring. Not many women would like being treated like this - you can see it on this thread. And I would find daily sex exhausting, and all the groping in between. It sounds like there is FAR more wrong with him than you.

MrsBrunch · 19/02/2021 09:21

@RepulsedofRedbridge

So out of interest then are men allowed to try and get their wives in the mood somehow? What is acceptable behaviour? Are women allowed to try and get their partners in the mood or is that being creepy sex pest as well? How are you supposed to initiate sex if you want it are we no longer allowed to try seduction genuine question
You ask her.
Artichokepiglet · 19/02/2021 09:22

What about taking the book into the bathroom with you and taking your time in there reading? You could then thank him for letting you have some time to relax and say it’s left you feeling soo sleepy and ready for bed. I’m sure he’d stop asking after a while 😊

DianeCherry · 19/02/2021 09:22

I lived with a sex pest. I could barely get in through the door after work before his hands were between my legs. I didn't even get time to take off my coat. He told me the problem was me and that I should want as much sex as him and if I didn't then I had a problem. The more he pestered me, insulted me, coerced me and humiliated me the less I wanted him of course so it was a self fulfilling prophecy. I left him. I've never been happier.