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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To want OH to stop policing my baths/showers

358 replies

H3llohEll0 · 18/02/2021 22:34

I'll preface this by saying I have good personal hygiene, so it's not that. I shower and bath regularly.

He usually works during the night but when he's off he does this every time.

I could be in the middle of a book or doing work on the laptop and he'll say "ill run your bath now"

I never ask him to. It's a nice gesture but not always convenient.

Sometimes I just don't want one, or want to be left to my book/tv programme/work. Maybe I'll only want a quick shower later on.

If you were in the middle of something and your DH tells you when to get a bath would you find it annoying?

OP posts:
Oblomov21 · 19/02/2021 05:58

I don't know why people don't have direct conversations.

Why don't you just tell him? Please stop. I don't like it. I find it very controlling you telling me when to bathe/shower?

Are you incapable of straight talking OP? Hmm

CheddarGorgeous · 19/02/2021 06:01

We do have it every other day but occasionally a couple of days will go by and by then he's practically climbing the walls.

I find this grim and stress inducing. No one needs sex. Men don't need a "release" no matter what the mainstream narrative is. The constant groping is a massive red flag. He is not respectful of your personal space and it's like he just sees you as a vessel for sex.

How is the rest of your relationship?

gutful · 19/02/2021 06:25

Exactly & if they are looking to their partner every time they crave a “release” then it’s essentially using you as a wank tool - they would rather have sex than masturbate.

It’s not fair to expect that every single orgasm he has should involve you.

What does him climbing the walls actually entail - what’s his behaviour like if it’s been a few days?

Dude needs a fleshlight

GreenSlide · 19/02/2021 06:27

@TatianaBis

Why do women put up with gropers? Is it that they think all men are like this?

I suspect it's one of those things that mutates from the sexy little touches at the beginning of a relationship that are full of frisson and promise to outright groping so very slowly that the woman barely realises it's happening.

Shoxfordian · 19/02/2021 06:35

Do you actually like being groped all day?
Do you want to have sex as often as him?

You’re allowed to have your own boundaries op and it seems like he’s just been walking all over them regularly

DanniM1986 · 19/02/2021 06:53

My OH does this!!!! I’ll be in the middle of unpacking the shopping or halfway through cleaning the house. It drives me insane!
I say to him just because I don’t tell you about every single shower or bath I have doesn’t mean I haven’t had one ! I find it really irritating even talking about it Angry

AnitaB888 · 19/02/2021 07:24

@BobbidyBob,

'I’d never come across so many people that can’t communicate effectively before I joined MN.'

Me neither.

OP this is ridiculous.
Speak up for goodness sake and tell him to stop being the Personal Hygiene Police and a sex pest.

If you are sexually mismatched then I don't know what to suggest.

user643289 · 19/02/2021 07:29

@Mummyoflittledragon

I’ll run your bath now

you can go and have your shower now

He really thinks he’s in charge, doesn’t he? This along with the groping is creepy. I’d not be with him. That would be such a turn off. He sounds like a sex pest and I would be wondering if he respects you, your boundaries or your past trauma. Do you even like being groped? I would hate it.

I would be instigating a no groping policy and after the shower comment, I’d be saying “you can have your wank now” every night until I felt I wanted sex. I mean imagine having to do that anyway, sorry but that makes me feel pretty sick. Boundaries.

What past trauma? Confused
nancywhitehead · 19/02/2021 07:34

You need to find a way to break this connection he has made between baths and sex. It sounds very irritating OP and I think I would just be calling him out on it and saying very straightforwardly "Me having a bath does not mean we are going to have sex afterwards. Stop suggesting that I have a bath please."

It's very annoying to be pestered for sex like that and very unattractive. Long term it could damage your relationship so it needs calling out and communication.

mrsminiegg · 19/02/2021 07:41

It's SO interesting snd hard for blokes!!! I would LOVE my DH to run me a bath. Never has... but what I am reading here is that any heavy expectation is a massive turn off. Hardly surprising right now. I wouldn't tell him off for running you a bath but maybe softly tell him it makes you feel a bit controlled when it is happening so often. I think the element of SURPRISE is the key to feeling aroused. Be totally honest about what turns you on and how. Don't criticise his behaviour... men have fragile egos. My DH makes no effort for sexy time at all. I feel like that side of our marriage is dead at the moment. I have no energy to make it happen. So be grateful he is into you!! ☺️

pictish · 19/02/2021 07:41

It took a few pages but we got to the crux. Sex pest husband and his insatiable appetite. Yuck.

Do you enjoy being pawed at on the daily then? I’d fucking hate it.

redcandlelight · 19/02/2021 07:43

I would find that mightily creepy.
it seems to be controlling behaviour on his side, not allowing you to spend your free time as you wish.

DinosaurDiana · 19/02/2021 07:52

He is a sex pest.

MonochromeMinnie · 19/02/2021 07:52

Yes it also took a few pages for the inevitable "be grateful he's into you" comment. OP you should be grateful he gropes you and pesters you for sex. How dare you find it an utter turnoff.

rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 07:53

@H3llohEll0

I like the idea of breaking the bath/sex connection, I'll take that on board.

I've had to be very direct with him in the past because he's insatiable, he would happily have sex multiple times a day and that isn't for me. We do have it every other day but occasionally a couple of days will go by and by then he's practically climbing the walls.

I enjoy back massages but I seldom get one unless he thinks he's on a promise. Strange that, or not.

Another horndog sexpest adult who never left adolescence. Yuk. I had one of these briefly in my early 30s, the sight of hangdog look and cock hanging out yet again would turn my stomach. Go and wank!

YY, math.

There's always a reason these guys (and they almost always have kids) are single.

How old are you? This type are 10p a punnet. And boring AF.

TwelvePaws · 19/02/2021 08:18

So be grateful he is into you!!

This man isn’t a loving partner ‘into’ his wife. He’s a fucking sex pest doing what he feels he has to to get what he wants. The whole thing makes my skin crawl, poor OP. Don’t you dare make her feel she should be grateful for this sort of sickening behaviour, it’s not part of a loving relationship. It’s controlling, creepy, and would result in the relationship ending if it was me. Knowing that everything he does, probably in some way, in his head, is because he’s thinking it will get him sex, really is just disgusting. Men like that are deeply unattractive.

DinosaurDiana · 19/02/2021 08:23

@TwelvePaws

So be grateful he is into you!!

This man isn’t a loving partner ‘into’ his wife. He’s a fucking sex pest doing what he feels he has to to get what he wants. The whole thing makes my skin crawl, poor OP. Don’t you dare make her feel she should be grateful for this sort of sickening behaviour, it’s not part of a loving relationship. It’s controlling, creepy, and would result in the relationship ending if it was me. Knowing that everything he does, probably in some way, in his head, is because he’s thinking it will get him sex, really is just disgusting. Men like that are deeply unattractive.

I agree with this. It’s almost predatory.
rawalpindithelabrador · 19/02/2021 08:24

She's not a wife, even. His last one ditched him. It's obvious why.

FuckyouCovid21 · 19/02/2021 08:28

And what is the sex like? Is he selfish in bed and thinking about his own orgasm or does he satisfy you too?

Lottie4 · 19/02/2021 08:41

OP, haven't read all the replies but this sounds very controlling and unpleasant - especially if he might be thinking he's more likely to get you in the mood.

I think you do need to speak to him. If you can't, then he's obviously got an unnecessary hold on you. If not, try and get int he habit of having a bath/shower at the same time every day, morning might be better as you'll then need to do other things like work/housework/go out and not sex. If he tries to persuade you later, you've already had one and another isn't necessary (unless you particularly feel you'd like it).

GeordieGreigsButtButtZoom · 19/02/2021 08:42

I was going to say you could perhaps find a nice way of telling him how you feel about realising the baths are only for sex (and his response to that would tell you a lot about who he is), but now it seems he never does anything nice/tactile with you unless he thinks he's going to get sex out of it. That's a wider issue.

Tal45 · 19/02/2021 08:47

I'd tell HIM it's time to have a shower - and a wank while he's there so he can stop pestering you like some dog on heat. Gross.

IloveFebruary · 19/02/2021 08:50

he gropes me throughout the day which is him letting me know he's in the mood
I would really dislike this. It’s like a dog humping your leg. Yuck.

Candyfloss99 · 19/02/2021 08:52

@rawalpindithelabrador

She's not a wife, even. His last one ditched him. It's obvious why.
Yea and thankfully OP hasn't been stupid enough to marry him and can just walk away.
Moonstone1234 · 19/02/2021 08:53

Firstly I thought maybe you could do with a shower (I did this for teenage son when he was a bit whiffy) but in the end I just said I think we need to have a chat (if your Mum cannot do it in private who can!).

I then thought maybe its a code for I fancy a bit...

I can see you thought that too.

No real suggestions though but others will. MN is very good for certain things. They helped me out when I was trying to get a vaccine for my DM. People were going onto websites and sending me links and guidance and it was done in a flash