friend got job she knew I wanted

[fcekinghell]

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset

and she was only my mentor as her employer was similar to an employer I was considering applying to and I thought getting tips etc would help. Not because I was junior to her in any way.

As for her old role, its been filled already, although its too far away for me.

You keep saying that Debbie is not as qualified or experienced as you and doesn't have the right skills...but you're unemployed and she's got your dream job...so she's obviously got something that you haven't!

Stop bitching about her and sort your self out. If you were the right candidate you would have got it whether she applied or not, and you weren't so you didn't.

If you want to stay unemployed, focus on her. If you want a job, stop. And fgs stop bitching about her to others, that looks very unprofessional and will put people off employing you!

The one thing that really sucks is that SHE DIDNT TELL YOU... absolutely fine for her to apply but she should have just been open with you and told you she was going for it too. Yes, I would expect a mentor to declare any conflict of interests in advising you

@fcekinghell

and she was only my mentor as her employer was similar to an employer I was considering applying to and I thought getting tips etc would help. Not because I was junior to her in any way.

As for her old role, its been filled already, although its too far away for me.

So she did have something you didn’t have then?

You are coming across as very bitter and jealous and not at all professional. If you are talking like this about Debbie to people in your industry then don't be surprised if word gets round and you remain unemployed. As somebody who has been a mentor and a recruiter you are increasingly sounding like somebody who I wouldn't touch with a barge pole.

@fcekinghell

I have been a mentor myself at times, in fact this was her first mentoring role but I've been doing it for about 20 years (and no she's not younger than me in case anyone thinks thats a factor)

And Debbie is still meant to be my mentor. Apologies if I made it sound like it had stopped, it started 2 years ago, but I hadn't heard from her since telling her about this application and getting her feedback.

For clarification, everyone in my industry is advised to be part of a registered body with a code of conduct to follow. Its not essential to be a member but it is very desirable to employers. We were both members at the time we started as mentor/mentee. This body offered the mentoring scheme. Debbie is no longer listed as a member which is another selling point I have which she doesn't.

I am also a member of several other related bodies, and again she is not. I have won awards from this professional body, she has not. I have been published, she has not. So this is the kind of thing I am talking about when I say I am more qualified and experienced.

The employer told me they wanted someone with the relevant qualifications and memberships so on the latter point she definitely lied.

Get over it

Well, everyone's being very grown up about this, but I think her behaviour has been appalling, both morally and professionally, and you have every right to be angry and upset.

Who ran the mentoring scheme? If it was in any way formal, I would think she signed up to a code of ethics and confidentiality before she was assigned to you. At the very least, she is clearly unsuited to be anyone's mentor if she's prepared to compete against them without disclosing it and stepping back from the relationship, even leaving aside how she heard about the job.

I think it's really shoddy.

The employer told me they wanted someone with the relevant qualifications and memberships so on the latter point she definitely lied.

You're not doing yourself any favours OP. You have absolutely no evidence she lied, throwing accusations around like that with no basis is unprofessional. Maybe they liked her so much they decided to let her do more training on the job, or overlook the lack of experience you say she has? They must have been really impressed with her at interview. Sometimes people just click. Personalities of people you work with can be a big factor.

Could you have appeared over-qualified for the role? Or they may have felt you were applying as a stop-gap because you were redundant, and would move on quickly.

Oh and your title is misleading she wasn't your friend, she was a mentor in a professional capacity.

I'd have been gutted in your shoes too and disappointed she hadn't said anything when you asked her to look over your application. I get that she's not a friend, blah blah, but it's still a bit shady.

She really doesn’t owe you any loyalty. You present her as a friend in the post title, but she isn’t a friend. She’s a work related acquaintance. It’s a dog eat dog world out there, and unless she was a close friend, or family member, she owes you no personal consideration whatsoever.

Agree with other posters that there was a conflict of interests and she should have disclosed she was also applying, and declined to review your application. However no reason for her not to apply. It’s common in my area of work; it’s niche, so I trained with and am good friends with people that I’ve also gone up against for rare posts. I’ve got some, they’ve got some. It isn’t personal although when you are unemployed it must feel like a kick in the teeth. I’m sorry.

However once you reach interview it’s all about how you come across and answer the questions. She did better on the day. The smart and professional thing to do would be to contact her, congratulate her and ask for her tips on her interview answers. Also, if she sees you being so professional she’s a potential contact still in a company you want to work for. Use it!

Smile, seethe inwardly, but use it to your advantage if at all possible.

She could have told you in advance she'd also applied before you sent her your cv and application, it wouldn't have seemed so bad then I guess

Sue her. If there's a code of conduct then it must be an implied term of the contract of mentorship and/or a tortious duty not to breach it. Plus any information you disclosed to her in the course of the mentorship is subject to implied duties of confidentiality and not to profit from it. You can sue her for your loss of earnings and/or for an account of her profits. You can also write to her new employer telling them they are facilitating her breaches by employing her.

(This informal guidance is provided on a non-reliance basis and you should take independent legal advice 😉).

Hmm, I understand that you're disappointed.

But maybe they really liked her, there every possibility that you may not have got the job anyway.

She may have applied before you; you can't be sure that she didn't. Maybe she didn't want to dent your confidence or make things awkward by saying so.

You have no idea how well she interviewed - that's an enormous part of getting the job. We sometimes see some great CVS but then for one reason or another we're not sold on the candidate, or they wouldn't fit our team/departmental dynamic.

We've on several occasions hired people with less "on paper" based on their interview.

The fact that you seem so much better qualified on paper, yet they still chose her, shows how much they wanted her.

That must sting, but honestly, you need to move on. She's not the friend you thought she was, you don't have to have anything more to do with her. Concentrate on your job search- good luck.

The lack of transparency about her own application is the main issue here. She shouldn’t be reviewing your application if she’s thinking of applying or has already done so. Conflict of interest and undermines her role as mentor.

@Circumlocutious

The lack of transparency about her own application is the main issue here. She shouldn’t be reviewing your application if she’s thinking of applying or has already done so. Conflict of interest and undermines her role as mentor.

100% this. Responses on here are typically insane.

@BlobbyYouTwat

Hmm, I understand that you're disappointed.

But maybe they really liked her, there every possibility that you may not have got the job anyway.

She may have applied before you; you can't be sure that she didn't. Maybe she didn't want to dent your confidence or make things awkward by saying so.

You have no idea how well she interviewed - that's an enormous part of getting the job. We sometimes see some great CVS but then for one reason or another we're not sold on the candidate, or they wouldn't fit our team/departmental dynamic.

We've on several occasions hired people with less "on paper" based on their interview.

There’s no ‘awkwardness’ about it. She shouldn’t be reviewing a competitors application if she’s already applied for the same role. That’s disingenuous, a clear conflict of interest, and undermines her stated impartiality.

Sorry, you can’t call dibs on jobs. Whoever is the best fit and most qualified gets it. Employers choice.

She should have been open with you. And you were naive to tell her. But on balance, I think she should feel ashamed of taking advantage of the situation.

Debbie behaved unethically. Whether or not professionally so I am not sure but it certainly speaks to her moral character. Poorly.

She’s a shark.

I'm surprised at the mixed responses. Yes, Debbie might have been going to apply/have applied anyway, but in that case she shouldn't have fucking let the OP tell her all her answers. That is totally unethical. When you agree to act as someone's mentor, you have to behave ethically towards then.

People are mental! Debbie has been seriously underhand - how can she review an application if she is also applying for the same job? Bonkers! Completely conflict of interest and total dishonesty. Yes she can apply for any job she wants, absolutely, but to support a mentee through the application process for a job she is applying to too is completely unprofessional.
Since she's no longer a member of that professional body you can't report her for breach of the code of conduct (although I'd still contact them in case she wants to re-join). I'd definitely ask for more feedback in your shoes explaining that you know the person who got the job and are a bit confused as to your weaknesses on this particular occasions since it cannot be x/y/z. They obviously cannot disclose anything personal about her but maybe give you more clarity as to the reason they preferred her (assuming she didn't lie).