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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

friend got job she knew I wanted

833 replies

fcekinghell · 17/02/2021 17:39

It may be my own stupid fault, lesson learned but anyway.

I have an industry mentor. Mentors were being offered to people in my field about 2 years ago and I put myself forward as a means to widen my network, find out about new opportunities etc, especially as I wasn't happy where I was at the time.

I got assigned to a woman I will call Debbie. We had a few Zoom calls, emails etc where she gave me some tips and advice on how to move into employers like her own.

For the record, I am more qualified and experienced than Debbie but wanted a mentor to help me into that kind of employer. Debbie told me to keep her posted on my job hunting. Offered to help with my CV and interview skills if I needed it.

Well I got made redundant in Covid. Debbie still working where she is. Then my dream job came up. I excitedly told Debbie, telling her its my dream job. I did the application and asked Debbie what she thought, was there anything missing. She told me it was 'perfect' and 'good luck'.

Well, I didn't get the job. They said they might recruit later in the year and they'll let me know. I've now heard that Debbie got the job.

It feels like a real kick in the stomach. She was my mentor. She knew this was my dream job and jobs like this don't come up often. In fact, really rarely. She knew I was unemployed whilst she was still working. Plus this job is asking for a particular skill which I do not believe she has.

DH and my DM are telling me I am a fucking idiot for speaking to her. I am aren't I? I probably gave her all the answers too!

I'm so upset Sad Sad Angry Angry

OP posts:
Bluenightowl · 17/02/2021 23:58

I think Debbie was backhanded for not telling you she was also applying for the role. If she had been decent about it, she would have disclosed her intention to apply herself and would not have reviewed your application.

She sounds thoroughly untrustworthy.

Unfortunately there isn't anything you can do about it now OP. I would be very wary about anything you tell Debbie in the future and I don't think you are being unreasonable for feeling annoyed and betrayed about what she did.

oakleaffy · 17/02/2021 23:59

@katy1213

It was Debbie's dream job, too. And she's taught you one thing, don't blab to potential competitors!
THIS!

Seen it happen before. Someone excited and buzzing about an opportunity, and it gets 'Stolen' from under them.
Present it as a 'Fait accompli'...Not beforehand.

OP, I understand the frustration..But move on.

Bluenightowl · 18/02/2021 00:02

I think either way Debbie should be removed from the mentor programme as she failed to observe a conflict of interest which is at least very unprofessional and likely frowned upon in the mentor programme - if she had already applied then she should have declined to advise op and notified op that this was as she was also applying.

Yes to this ^^. Debbie should absolutely be removed from the mentor programme. I would have no hesitation contacting them OP especially if Debbie's advantage was being a mentor!

Cherrysoup · 18/02/2021 00:08

Have you asked for feedback on your interview/CV?

ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 18/02/2021 00:19

Christ, what a prolapse of cunts this thread turned into.

Five67Eight · 18/02/2021 00:22

Absolutely boggling at the way this thread has gone, and it reminds me why I never, ever start threads of my own.

Debbie was massively unprofessional. You simply do not look over someone’s job application when you are going for the same job, without divulging that fact first. In whose world is this OK?!

There are clearly some very clueless people on this thread.

Sorry OP - I hope something comes up for you very soon. Flowers

maddening · 18/02/2021 00:25

Who are you referring to conquest?

gnashingsalt · 18/02/2021 00:26

@maddening

Who are you referring to conquest?
I think @ConquestEmpireHungerPlague just waited to use that sentence, thinking we’d all fall about laughing
ConquestEmpireHungerPlague · 18/02/2021 00:36

I'm referring to the people who are coming back to the thread again and again just to pile a bit more hate on to the OP. I think it's weird to be so invested in being repeatedly nasty to someone who was upfront about how shit she's already feeling.

And actually no, @gnashingsalt, it just came out. Wink

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/02/2021 00:40

The thing is, the CV and application only gets you a seat at the table. How you sell yourself on the day is the bigger issue.

Also, while qualifications and memberships are obviously hugely important, sometimes someone with say, a Bachelors degree and the right personality may be a better fit, for example, than a Chartered postgrad with not quite the attitude the company is looking for (whatever that may be).

It's about the whole picture really and finding the right 'fit'. For whatever reason, that was Debbie.

miraloma · 18/02/2021 00:42

Yup, many skills can be learned. Self awareness not so much.

PumpkinPieAlibi · 18/02/2021 00:42

To add to the above, I do think the ethical thing to do would have been for Debbie to advise that she was also applying for the same role and maybe, decline the opportunity to review the application.

But beyond that, I really don't think she did anything wrong.

Sapho47 · 18/02/2021 00:45

@Providora

I can't think of any sort of personal or professional relationship where I would agree to read someone's CV without letting them know I was applying for the same job.

Regardless of whether this woman's a real mentor or not, regardless of what professional ethical standards say, etc etc, I think it's off and you are right to be upset about that.

I do think you have to let go of the other stuff, you're making this very personal and it's not a personal issue, it's business.

Really? If you were mentoring someone and they come in and say "I've found this great new job opening can you help me apply?" You don't think it would be a little demotivating to them to say you had already applied.
Bluenightowl · 18/02/2021 01:04

You don't think it would be a little demotivating to them to say you had already applied.

I wouldn't find it demotivating to be given the heads up and I would be happy to be given the opportunity to refer my application to someone else rather than a fellow applicant.

But beyond that, I really don't think she did anything wrong

Beyond that? Debbie has been completely underhand and unprofessional. Under no circumstances should she have reviewed the OP's application in her capacity as mentor without disclosing that she was also applying for the role.

The number of people on this thread who admire Debbie is mindblowing and says a lot about themselves.

JanuaryJonez · 18/02/2021 01:52

A friend of mine started a company a decade ago coaching people in how to do pitches. He's done amazingly well.

THE most important thing he tells clients is that it's imperative that you just get on with your clients - your pitch might not be perfect but if you have the ability to form a relationship with them then something good may come from that.

Providora · 18/02/2021 01:52

Really? If you were mentoring someone and they come in and say "I've found this great new job opening can you help me apply?" You don't think it would be a little demotivating to them to say you had already applied.

Well the OP seems pretty demoralised by the 'say nothing' approach!

I would let them know I'd be happy to help, but let them know I'm interested too so they can decide themselves whether or not they want to share details of the job, or their application, with a potential rival. It may be demoralising, but it's the ethical thing to do.

Five67Eight · 18/02/2021 02:02

Really? If you were mentoring someone and they come in and say "I've found this great new job opening can you help me apply?" You don't think it would be a little demotivating to them to say you had already applied.

It’s far more demotivating to be lied to, and to find out after the event. Confused

Anyone with an ounce of professional sensibility would be upfront about the conflict of interest. ‘I’m applying for the job too - do you still want me to review your application?’

But this is typical Mumsnet - people rushing to try to appear completely objective and detached or something, and throwing the baby out with the bath water.

Would those of you defending Debbie actually do what she did?

Again OP - I hope you find a job soon.

Sapho47 · 18/02/2021 02:10

Unless Debbie sabotaged the ops cv though she doesn't have any ability to influence the outcome

BoomBoomsCousin · 18/02/2021 02:14

@EarringsandLipstick

"But every post is implying (and more) that Debbie got an unfair advantage by seeing the OP's CV, by getting the 'answers', that she hadn't the right qualifications, she's a bitch, she didn't deserve it as she's no children or health conditions."

"That's the part that reflects so badly on OP."

"I'd have said, if I were Debbie, but I'm making the point that she didn't have to and OP is in the wrong to be so vicious about her, instead of examining how she can improve."

I said in my first post (the one you responded to to tell tell me how wrong I'd got it because, in your opinion, Debbie couldn't be called a mentor) that the OP needs to look further afield for the reason she didn't get the job.

At the moment OP is venting about what is, to her, a break in trust and dealing with the huge disappointment of not getting a job she really, really wanted. Which is a raw position to be in and her response is pretty normal. In a few days when the disappointment isn't so sharp she may be able to look more rationally at the situation. If, at that point, she continues to focus the blame for her not getting the job on Debbie, it might reflect badly on her. At the moment the harsh comments to OP just reflect badly those posters.

Ariela · 18/02/2021 02:17

I would swallow my bitterness for now. If Debbie has not got the right industry experience and memberships, will she flounder in her new post?
If so her new employers might look to replace.
So I'd maybe look at thanking the potential employer for the interview, expressing the fact if a further job opportunity arises you'd love to hear from them and finding out why you were not the best candidate from the employer, and work on that feedback to improve, while continuing to look for other work.

Five67Eight · 18/02/2021 02:28

@Sapho47

Unless Debbie sabotaged the ops cv though she doesn't have any ability to influence the outcome
Except for the fact that - unlike everyone else who applied - Debbie got a good old squizz at the CV of an applicant who had ideal skills and experience for the role....
RantyAnty · 18/02/2021 03:10

Unfortunately, there is nothing fair or ethical about work.

People you work with aren't your friends, don't gossip, maintain a poker face, and always hold your cards close to your chest.

whatwherewhywhenhow · 18/02/2021 03:45

She’s not a friend, she was a mentor.

She behaved unethically by not advising you of her conflict and that she couldn’t review your application.

It’s possible she didn’t have a conflict until after she reviewed your application and then decided to apply. But you’ll never know the sequence of events.

It’s disappointing but you have no choice but to get over it, and never trust her again.

kittycorner · 18/02/2021 04:20

@fcekinghell it sounds so disappointing. I'm sorry this happened, I can see why you are upset.

Having said that, you have to remember it was never your job in the first place. I know it feels like it, but she can't not apply because you have dc and a health condition and she doesn't. You also don't know about her life in detail, who knows what she has on her plate.

Hold your head high. You didn't do anything wrong. Life has strange ways of working out. I had a line manager who was very jealous of me and took opportunities away from me, and then weeks later, I was promoted and she had to report one branch/department of her work to me.

You never know where life will take either of you. Wishing you the best of luck.

steff13 · 18/02/2021 04:28

If she had already applied when the OP asked her to review the application, it wouldn't have mattered.