AIBU, mil wanting me to replace sofa?

Cobb121 · 2021-02-17T13:08:14+00:00

So my sofa is 4 years old a great big leather thing. You can see a little wear on the arms if you look closely but nothing major. It’s ideal with two young children as it’s wipe clean. Last year mil asked us if we wanted her sisters sofa that she was getting rid of. We told her no, nothing wrong with our sofa we will only look to replace when we move in the next 2 years or so. Mil was a bit miffed and ended up taking it herself (it was bright red leather not my taste at all). This morning she calls DP with another sofa offer from a relative. He’s unsure and says he will call her back. I’ve called her back and said thanks but no thanks. Ours of perfectly fine and would be a hassle to dispose of (it’s huge so we’d need to hire a van). Again she was a bit miffed as it’s such a lovely sofa, coat a fortune brand new etc. AIBU to be a little offended that she wants to change my sofa?

NiceGerbil · 17/02/2021 13:09

YANBU and why is your DH leaving it to you to tell his mum no?

bookshop1 · 17/02/2021 13:10

How do you know she's 'miffed'?

She's just offering you a sofa. You've said no. A complete non issue.

Original poster

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:11

@NiceGerbil

YANBU and why is your DH leaving it to you to tell his mum no?

Because he’s spineless and scared to tell her no 😡

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Cadent · 17/02/2021 13:12

DH should tell her that we're moving in 2 years and don't need the hassle of disposing the sofa before then, so please can she stop suggesting other used sofas. Unless she's offering to dispose of the current one herself.

goochface · 17/02/2021 13:13

Maybe mil should have the sofa if she's so bothered about it

Original poster

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:13

@bookshop1

How do you know she's 'miffed'?

She's just offering you a sofa. You've said no. A complete non issue.

It was her tone and trying to get me to change my mind saying she will arrange a van to remove old one etc.

I guess I come across as ungrateful I’m really not I just feel like she’s always trying to tell us what to do and dh is often too scared to stick up to he which is probably why she called him and not me even though he’s working

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Original poster

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:14

@goochface

Maybe mil should have the sofa if she's so bothered about it

Ha that’s what I said to dh the lastesr offering is nicer than the red one from last year 😂

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Hailtomyteeth · 17/02/2021 13:17

Hmm. She wants you to replace the sofa? How many can you seat? Are you well-upholstered? Will she find cushions to match?

Nah. She's unreasonable, your husband's a bit of a wimp and the sofa you chose yourself is perfect for the job.

NiceGerbil · 17/02/2021 13:17

Tell her that you have strong environmental beliefs and you won't be involved in this constant sofa purchasing that seems to be going on.

Tell her the new sofa would to you represent the death of the natural world.

NiceGerbil · 17/02/2021 13:18

Are you well upholstered?

Bit of a personal question

ForensicFlossy · 17/02/2021 13:22

Have you asked her why she keeps offering you sofas?

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 13:23

She's just offering you a sofa. You've said no. A complete non issue.

It's a bit of a weird thing to do, though - to offer (multiple times) something to somebody that people only normally have one (or maybe two) of. It's not like a book or something that she thought they'd enjoy and want to add to their bookcase.

I guess it also depends on how she phrases it: "Our Maureen is getting rid of her old sofa, I just thought I'd mention it to you in case you happen to be interested?" OR "You could have our Maureen's old sofa - she's got one looking for a new home". The former is a general 'making you aware' comment; the latter suggests that you're clearly desperately in need of a new one.

Maybe I move in completely different circles from her, but I too can't for the life of me understand why you'd want to get rid of a 4yo sofa that's still in good condition and still meets your needs and preferences. Maybe if you'd been complaining that you now regret having chosen a big/cream/leather one or something, but she does seem to have taken it upon herself that she has to help them get a new sofa, because she's decided that their (not very) old one is no good.

LookItsMeAgain · 17/02/2021 13:27

Question - why are all of these relatives changing their sofas/couches so frequently? It's not environmentally sound to do that surely.
You should have allowed your DH to phone his mother back and say "Mum, thanks for the offer but we're not planning on changing any of our furniture for the foreseeable. If X is changing their furniture and want rid of their old sofa why don't they offer it to Y Charity for some family who might be moving into their first house and need furniture because we don't want or need it here".
See how that conversation goes. Your DH sounds a bit limp to be honest, doesn't want to say anything to his mother and lets his wife fight his battles/arguments for him.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 13:28

Are you well upholstered?

Bit of a personal question grin

I'm glad it wasn't just me who thought that! It sounds very Jane Austen: "Mr Darcy found the prospect of marrying such a fine, handsome, well-upholstered young lady most becoming"

Snowymcsnowsony · 17/02/2021 13:29

Make sure every photo she ever sees of the dc is of them sitting in the sofa!!

Original poster

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:30

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

She's just offering you a sofa. You've said no. A complete non issue.

It's a bit of a weird thing to do, though - to offer (multiple times) something to somebody that people only normally have one (or maybe two) of. It's not like a book or something that she thought they'd enjoy and want to add to their bookcase.

I guess it also depends on how she phrases it: "Our Maureen is getting rid of her old sofa, I just thought I'd mention it to you in case you happen to be interested?" OR "You could have our Maureen's old sofa - she's got one looking for a new home". The former is a general 'making you aware' comment; the latter suggests that you're clearly desperately in need of a new one.

Maybe I move in completely different circles from her, but I too can't for the life of me understand why you'd want to get rid of a 4yo sofa that's still in good condition and still meets your needs and preferences. Maybe if you'd been complaining that you now regret having chosen a big/cream/leather one or something, but she does seem to have taken it upon herself that she has to help them get a new sofa, because she's decided that their (not very) old one is no good.

Exactly I could get offended really what’s wrong with my sofa in her opinion? If she brings it up again I’m going to ask her why she’s so insistent we change it.

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Catflapkitkat · 17/02/2021 13:31

I think you are taking this too personally. I think it's less about getting rid of your current sofa and more that she has heard of good quality, cheap sofas from and she thought of you.

OK the van was a tad insistent but she has probably said - don't sell it, let me ask Cobb first. Now they are laughing for an answer.

diddl · 17/02/2021 13:34

What's the latest sofa like?

I'm in the market for a new one!

Shipping to Germany isn't a problem is it as I'd be doing a favour by taking on an unwanted sofa!

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2021 13:39

If I had a 4 year old sofa I'd still be thinking of it as new

Unkind to call the DH a wimp IMO. This is his mother, the woman who he has spent his life being taught to defer to. It's not like saying no to some random street vendor. "Psst... wanna buy a sofa..." Of course a fully grown adult should be able to say no to a parent, but that depends on a lot of things, starting with whether it is That Sort of parent. I take it as a compliment that mine are able to tell me where to get off (politely).

Anniegetyourgun · 17/02/2021 13:40

... well, usually politely.

Dogsaresomucheasier · 17/02/2021 13:40

Perfectly sensible to keep a scruffy sofa while you have young children. I’d be irritated by the implication that the one I have is too scruffy and needs replacing, too.
It’s interfering and disrespectful of your standards.

JemimaTiggywinkle · 17/02/2021 13:42

It is odd to keep offering you sofas if you haven’t indicated that you’re looking to get a new sofa.

And she definitely has no right to be annoyed if you don’t want the unsolicited sofas.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 13:44

It sounds like she has trouble understanding or accepting that, if other people choose things for their houses that she wouldn't personally have chosen, it's not a problem for, nor a personal slight to, her. In short, her life is hers to live but other people's lives are not hers to live.

My DGM used to do that with things like cheap cardigans and handbags that she found in Peacock's and Bon Marche and excitedly bought for family members - and couldn't comprehend that others might just not share her own taste - even people who were 50 years younger then her and not especially likely to go for the exact same styles.

Even if you did politely and graciously accept something she urged you to have, and put it aside to quietly pass on to charity later, she'd have another of the same thing a few weeks later for you. Easier to do with a purse or a jumper than a sofa, mind.

Unless.... could it be the opposite of what you suspect? Might she have her eye on your sofa (which sounds like a very desirable, decent, quality piece of furniture, from what you say), and be figuring that, if she can only get you to accept a replacement, and let her 'arrange a van', she can have it for herself? Or maybe even be wanting to sell it to make herself some cash and have a 'customer' already lined up?

Where is she actually planning on taking it to in the van? Surely not the tip, for a good condition 4yo sofa? Charity shops are often reticent in normal times to accept sofas, depending on how much spare space they have, but aren't they all still closed anyway at present?

Starseed2021 · 17/02/2021 13:44

she wants you to have a second hand item and get rid of your 'new' one......there's nothing nice about her going on at you at like this.

Rupertbeartrousers · 17/02/2021 13:45

Maybe she just can’t pass up a bargain/freebie?

I have older relatives like this... for example buying really good quality shoes in a charity shop in the wrong size then trying to give them away to a relative because they couldn’t not buy them.