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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

AIBU, mil wanting me to replace sofa?

130 replies

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:08

So my sofa is 4 years old a great big leather thing. You can see a little wear on the arms if you look closely but nothing major. It’s ideal with two young children as it’s wipe clean.

Last year mil asked us if we wanted her sisters sofa that she was getting rid of. We told her no, nothing wrong with our sofa we will only look to replace when we move in the next 2 years or so. Mil was a bit miffed and ended up taking it herself (it was bright red leather not my taste at all).

This morning she calls DP with another sofa offer from a relative. He’s unsure and says he will call her back. I’ve called her back and said thanks but no thanks. Ours of perfectly fine and would be a hassle to dispose of (it’s huge so we’d need to hire a van). Again she was a bit miffed as it’s such a lovely sofa, coat a fortune brand new etc.

AIBU to be a little offended that she wants to change my sofa?

OP posts:
Original poster
Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:46

@Catflapkitkat

I think you are taking this too personally. I think it's less about getting rid of your current sofa and more that she has heard of good quality, cheap sofas from and she thought of you.

OK the van was a tad insistent but she has probably said - don't sell it, let me ask Cobb first. Now they are laughing for an answer.

Yes I agree I might be being a bit too sensitive but I’m just getting tired of her controlling behaviour. We ended up replacing DS toddler before we wanted to stop her nagging about it being too small for him (he was only 4 it really wasn’t too small).
OP posts:
ladyvimes · 17/02/2021 13:47

My MIL used to do this. We ended up with some random bits!! I just started saying a blunt no thank you and change the subject. She still does it occasionally but takes a no much more easily now!
She’s lovely and didn’t mean anything by it. She’s just constantly trying to please everyone!

LaceyBetty · 17/02/2021 13:48

It is nice of her to offer, that wouldn't really bother me, but ridiculous to be miffed when you decline.

Lunde · 17/02/2021 13:49

Is it possible that she wants your current sofa?

NewScone · 17/02/2021 13:50

Invite her to sit on the floor if she has an issue with your sofa

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 13:52

If she brings it up again I’m going to ask her why she’s so insistent we change it.

Very good idea - take control of the situation that she's introducing rather than letting her try to browbeat you. I'd also ask her what she's planning on doing (or proposing that you do) with your current one, considering that it's still fairly new and very decent, obviously not for the tip and the charity shops are all closed.

Unless she has shares in the van hire company and she's drumming up some business by getting everybody she knows to participate in one big endless sofa-go-round Grin

Apple40 · 17/02/2021 13:56

Maybe she always tells .... I know someone who will take your sofa off you. Then has to look like an idiot when you say no and she has to go back saying sorry they don’t want it. 😂

Eileen101 · 17/02/2021 13:58

YANBU op! Solidarity... My mil told DH that if he hadn't wasted money on X, then we could have had new a new sofa 😑
Erm no thanks MIL. We have two small children... My 10 year old sofa in perfectly good condition is still fine for now thanks, especially while small people get stuff all over it. 🙄
Ignore and smile.

dottiedodah · 17/02/2021 13:59

Older people often seem to think that younger ones seem to want something they didnt choose for their home! I think they mean well, but the market for second hand furniture is non existent, for reasons above!(DFS and so on have good quality sofas and 0% interest deals as well) The Heart Foundation(when open)will take good quality sofas, as long as they are clean .Dont worry just say No firmly as you have done .No reason to worry ,you had an offer and said No .Perfectly acceptable!

SeasonFinale · 17/02/2021 14:00

OP - she doesn't like your sofa Grin She may even be on a forum about how her DIL has a bad taste sofa and she keeps offering her nice ones but she keeps refusing them. What should I do?

PS. Just keep saying no - she'll get the message eventually. Indeed next time she rings say you're not calling me to offer me yet another sofa are you?

Voluptuagoodshag · 17/02/2021 14:00

Some older folks seem to have a pass time of thinking up ways of giving you stuff you neither want or need. Every time I visit my Mum she asks if I could use such and such. I think because she's older she is just trying to get rid of stuff to make it easier so we don't have to do it when she pegs it. I'm not being flippant here, she lived through a war and it's the way she thinks. But she doesn't comprehend that I don't need a second hand toilet seat nor am I willing to sell it in a car boot sale - some things just have to be dumped (pardon the pun).

lottiegarbanzo · 17/02/2021 14:02

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 14:03

Is this her mate's van? Grin

AIBU, mil wanting me to replace sofa?
SandyY2K · 17/02/2021 14:07

Neither my parents or inlaws have ever suggested anything like this. I find it rather odd...unless she doesn't like your sofa, but that's none of her business.

I'd be saying (in a nice tone) that when you decide to replace your sofa, it will be with one you and DH choose.

oakleaffy · 17/02/2021 14:10

Mum had a huge Kelim Sofa custom made for them years ago in King's Rd that could sit 5 people, easily...Almost as deep as a single bed.

Downsizing, a dealer offered her £245.
An insult.
My brother put it on Ebay and it made nearly 3k, and someone locally collected and paid..
Second hand sofas can be worth more than one thinks!
Red leather is bound to appeal to someone.

donewithitalltodayandxmas · 17/02/2021 14:12

You said yours is a bit worn on the arms, maybe she sees that as more than a bit worn and thinks to offer you someone elses as its on good condition.
Surely you say no thanks we are keeping this for a couple years and will replace then.

RaspberryCoulis · 17/02/2021 14:13

Question - why are all of these relatives changing their sofas/couches so frequently? It's not environmentally sound to do that surely.

People do seem to treat a sofa as a throwaway, use it for 2 to 3 years and replace option. We've had our sofa 18 years, I remember getting it because It was delivered the day after I brought DS home from the hospital as a newborn. It's getting a bit scuffed so I'm thinking about contacting a reupholstery company rather than getting new.

In that time, the inlaws have had at least 4 sofas.

Anyway, just say no, OP.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 14:14

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

I think you may be on to something there. She might well watch Citizen Khan on repeat and be avidly making notes throughout, as a fellow self-styled 'community leader'!

Some older people - women especially - can struggle when they've dedicated many years of their lives to bringing up and facilitating children and then, in retirement, with the children all grown up and with their own families, desperately need to feel like they're still needed. Of course, they are still very much needed - but no longer in the role of 'parent of dependent children'.

When you were 4 and your idea of appropriately tasteful interior design amounted to scribbling over the wallpaper with your chunky crayons, you did need her to gently disabuse you of that notion; when you're 34 and have chosen the sofa that best suits your family's requirements and preferences, you don't need her to overrule you.

IdblowJonSnow · 17/02/2021 14:18

Just tell her you're happy with your sofa and have no plans or desire to change it.
She is being wierd if she's trying to guilt trip you. It's nothing to do with her.
My mum tries to do things like this...

NK346f2849X127d8bca260 · 17/02/2021 14:19

I kept getting similar from PIL and their old curtains, they wouldn't have fitted our windows and certainly weren't our colours. DH wouldn't say no so i ended up doing it in the end and had them muttering that it was a waste as they were good quality. Also had an issue of them bringing back framed boat prints everytime they went on holiday, i hated them and never put them up.

RedToothBrush · 17/02/2021 14:20

"DH Grown a spine and tell your mother to stop trying to make our home interior decisions. If I want a new piece of furniture it will be done without her interference. She is over stepping our boundaries. Sort it out or we will be having another big row about it and we will continue to until you find that spine. Your choice when that is. She's your problem not mine!".

Done. End of issue.

Lorieandrews · 17/02/2021 14:20

Ha. My mum keeps saying we need a new sofa

I keep replying that until the kids learn not to eat. We puke on it. I won’t be buying one. Wink

Countrygirl2021 · 17/02/2021 14:23

Is she very house proud? Perhaps to her she doesn't like the idea of damaged furniture in the house?

Original poster
Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 14:25

@lottiegarbanzo

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

I definitely think you are on to something here she seems to have her sisters on a pedestal because they are wealthier than tje rest of us.
OP posts:
OakSnows · 17/02/2021 14:25

And these are sofas that people don’t want to get a new one!

The thing about the toddlers bed helps the back story. You need to take control