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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

AIBU, mil wanting me to replace sofa?

130 replies

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 13:08

So my sofa is 4 years old a great big leather thing. You can see a little wear on the arms if you look closely but nothing major. It’s ideal with two young children as it’s wipe clean.

Last year mil asked us if we wanted her sisters sofa that she was getting rid of. We told her no, nothing wrong with our sofa we will only look to replace when we move in the next 2 years or so. Mil was a bit miffed and ended up taking it herself (it was bright red leather not my taste at all).

This morning she calls DP with another sofa offer from a relative. He’s unsure and says he will call her back. I’ve called her back and said thanks but no thanks. Ours of perfectly fine and would be a hassle to dispose of (it’s huge so we’d need to hire a van). Again she was a bit miffed as it’s such a lovely sofa, coat a fortune brand new etc.

AIBU to be a little offended that she wants to change my sofa?

OP posts:
Feedingthebirds1 · 17/02/2021 16:47

Reply "If [xxx] doesn't want it, why should I?"

DuckbilledSplatterPuff · 17/02/2021 17:56

@Feedingthebirds1

Reply "If [xxx] doesn't want it, why should I?"
Great reply!
Mamascoven · 17/02/2021 18:02

My MIL kept doing this at one point but it was with houses even though we are fine where we are. I just told her one day we weren't interested and will look when we are ready. Just tell her that.

Ellpellwood · 17/02/2021 18:06

Yep. This is about doing her sister a favour and making herself useful to them. Not yiur existing sofa.

Cobb121 · 17/02/2021 18:09

@Feedingthebirds1

Reply "If [xxx] doesn't want it, why should I?"
Love this 😂

She’s definitely a type to take anything if it’s free. Her niece was getting rid of all nursery furniture, next to me crib etc. Mil has it all in her spare room waiting for sister in laws future babies 😳

OP posts:
WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 17/02/2021 19:07

this relative was always offering our goods or services to others and taking credit as facilitator and getting offended when we said no.

I may be an old curmudgeon, but I think this is the same mindset that some perpetual charity fund-raisers have. I'm not talking about those who have a cause dear to them and organise an activity now and again out of genuine concern - and certainly not children; but the adults who are constantly expecting you to dig deep for this week's venture, and next week's, and next week's - and then they're forever all about seeking publicity for how much money THEY have managed to fundraise through THEIR own tenacity and efforts.

LookItsMeAgain · 18/02/2021 09:11

OMG @Cobb121 - does your SIL know that her mother (or maybe it's your BIL's wife so her MIL too) has these items stored for her? That would be so intrusive as buying baby related items is something that new parents do and part of the enjoyment of having a baby - and would only use second hand if the items were as good as new or if they were perhaps in financial need (I'd imagine).
Also has your SIL given any indication that she even wants to have children ?????

Your MiL is getting stranger and stranger by the minute here Grin Grin Grin

sueelleker · 18/02/2021 11:11

@bookshop1

How do you know she's 'miffed'?

She's just offering you a sofa. You've said no. A complete non issue.

She's offering "sofas" plural. So it's not just a casual offer, she's saying she doesn't like the one you've got. Unless it's ripped to pieces with stuffing hanging out, it's nothing to do with her. (Actually, it's nothing to do with her anyway, but you could see her point in that case)
flobberdobberrr · 18/02/2021 11:15

I wouldn't be miffed it's miscommunication.

She clearly thinks she's helping.
Maybe that you couldn't afford a new one yet and you didn't like the first but she might find you a new one that you do like.

No not her place but she might be coming from a good place and just being thoughtful.

Just say "I'm not ready to change ours yet I'm happy with it at the moment"

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/02/2021 11:58

My mother gets a bee in her bonnet about things like this sometimes. When I last moved house - over ten years ago now - she said that my dining table was a bit big for the new place. It’s true that it had a smaller dining area than the old flat, but the table isn’t ridiculously huge, so I said maybe I’d change it at some point, but that it was an unnecessary expense when I’d just moved. You’d think that was the end of it. Ohhhhh no.

‘I saw a lovely one in the Next catalogue. It’s extendable, so you could still have a big table when you want one’.

Me: ‘Well, maybe in a few years, but as I say, it’s not a priority’.

Her: ‘Do you get the Next catalogue? If you sign up for it you could have a look. Is there a big Next anywhere near you? Some of the big ones have them in store’.

Me: ‘Like I said, not a priority’.

Her on the phone weeks later: ‘Did you manage to get to Next? Shall I send you the page from my catalogue’.

Her five years later when I said I was replacing my bed: ‘Do you really need a new bed? I’d have thought the table was a priority’.

Me: ‘Well the bed’s got a big hole in the middle of the divan. I’m having to sleep in the spare room. Yes, I need a new bed’.

Her when I later replaced the sofas: ‘You’re not replacing the table then?’

Me: ‘Shut up shut up SHUT UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!’ [Paraphrasing slightly]

Ironically, I originally bought the table from some family members who did house renovations... guess who one of those family members was? And who actually suggested it?

Nanny0gg · 18/02/2021 13:00

@LookItsMeAgain

Question - why are all of these relatives changing their sofas/couches so frequently? It's not environmentally sound to do that surely. You should have allowed your DH to phone his mother back and say "Mum, thanks for the offer but we're not planning on changing any of our furniture for the foreseeable. If X is changing their furniture and want rid of their old sofa why don't they offer it to Y Charity for some family who might be moving into their first house and need furniture because we don't want or need it here". See how that conversation goes. Your DH sounds a bit limp to be honest, doesn't want to say anything to his mother and lets his wife fight his battles/arguments for him.
Two different sets of people have changed their sofas, plus MiL as she kept one.

For all we know they've had them 40 years. I don't see how it's an environmental problem.

Voluptuagoodshag · 18/02/2021 14:53

I've never really understood why some parents, elders feel the need to get or offer stuff you neither want, like or need, nor have ever hinted at the merest interest in.

I've really wary when I go shopping with my Mum, if I happen to be standing too close to say, electric toasters, she'll jump to all sorts of conclusions that I'm thinking of getting a new one. She'll then offer me hers, cut out an advert she's seen in her local rag, mention she's seen one in a charity shop and get in a right tis about something her own imagination conjured up.

Cobb121 · 18/02/2021 15:21

@StillCoughingandLaughing

My mother gets a bee in her bonnet about things like this sometimes. When I last moved house - over ten years ago now - she said that my dining table was a bit big for the new place. It’s true that it had a smaller dining area than the old flat, but the table isn’t ridiculously huge, so I said maybe I’d change it at some point, but that it was an unnecessary expense when I’d just moved. You’d think that was the end of it. Ohhhhh no.

‘I saw a lovely one in the Next catalogue. It’s extendable, so you could still have a big table when you want one’.

Me: ‘Well, maybe in a few years, but as I say, it’s not a priority’.

Her: ‘Do you get the Next catalogue? If you sign up for it you could have a look. Is there a big Next anywhere near you? Some of the big ones have them in store’.

Me: ‘Like I said, not a priority’.

Her on the phone weeks later: ‘Did you manage to get to Next? Shall I send you the page from my catalogue’.

Her five years later when I said I was replacing my bed: ‘Do you really need a new bed? I’d have thought the table was a priority’.

Me: ‘Well the bed’s got a big hole in the middle of the divan. I’m having to sleep in the spare room. Yes, I need a new bed’.

Her when I later replaced the sofas: ‘You’re not replacing the table then?’

Me: ‘Shut up shut up SHUT UPPPPPPPPP!!!!!’ [Paraphrasing slightly]

Ironically, I originally bought the table from some family members who did house renovations... guess who one of those family members was? And who actually suggested it?

Was it your mums table? 😂
OP posts:
Cobb121 · 18/02/2021 15:23

@LookItsMeAgain

OMG *@Cobb121* - does your SIL know that her mother (or maybe it's your BIL's wife so her MIL too) has these items stored for her? That would be so intrusive as buying baby related items is something that new parents do and part of the enjoyment of having a baby - and would only use second hand if the items were as good as new or if they were perhaps in financial need (I'd imagine). Also has your SIL given any indication that she even wants to have children ?????

Your MiL is getting stranger and stranger by the minute here Grin Grin Grin

Sil is TTC and is having some trouble falling pregnant so I can’t imagine she’s thrilled about having loads of furniture thrust upon her 😩
OP posts:
Member984815 · 18/02/2021 15:37

Beware , she could replace it for you . My granny used to pull this stuff on her son's . She'd buy stuff and get rid of the old stuff . Never what they wanted the kicker is she'd ask for the money . The youngest son didn't give her the money because the item she bought he didn't want . That stopped her doing it for a while

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/02/2021 15:40

Was it your mums table? 😂

Yep Grin Well, sort of - she’d chosen it to dress one of the houses, and then asked if I wanted to buy it.

katy1213 · 18/02/2021 15:48

For heavens sake - a sofa was being disposed of and she let you know it was there if you'd like it.
If she hadn't mentioned it and for some reason it was exactly your taste and you'd have loved to have it if only you'd known, you'd have been whining on here that she didn't say anything.
Were people always such drama queens before Mumsnet?

C231009 · 18/02/2021 16:42

In laws Aye. We recently got rid of an 8 year old leather sofa. It needed replacing. It was clean but very worn from a dog and two dc. It had a good life despite that it wasn’t overly expensive when we bought it. Anyway, mil was completely heartbroken we were getting rid (god knows why, it was nothing special and she just doesn’t like us getting rid). She tried to convince us to keep it in storage just in case one of her other children need it in the future. I just wanted rid and we have no storage!! It wasn’t in the best condition either. She was miffed. Why do they like to dictate what we do and buy?! 😅 not the first time either.

Localocal · 18/02/2021 17:50

You are quite right to say no very clearly, but BU to be offended. She is trying to help someone offload a sofa. Let it go.

WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll · 18/02/2021 18:00

StillCoughingandLaughing

Sorry, that did make me laugh - must be very tiresome for you, though.

It's like some people have a block - whether in one or two areas (such as furnishing or clothing) or in everything - where they just can't understand that other people are not them, and may make different choices.

One of the very few times my lovely FIL has ever sworn at me was when he was 'fascinating' me about the new boiler cover he'd just arranged and he asked which company we had ours with. I told him that we'd looked into it carefully and decided we would rather 'self-insure', as we knew a couple of good boilermen and that's what we had concluded worked best for our particular household; however, I stressed that I understood a lot of people preferred to have the cover and that the peace of mind and predictable cost was very valuable for them, so I could well see why they made that choice - the right choice for them.

He asked if I realised that, without cover, we wouldn't be covered for and I said that we did, and had decided not to go down that route ourselves, but to make other arrangements.

Goodness, how can some people take such offence and get so angry when you act as though you are a different person from them.... probably because you are?! I'd understand it a bit more if we'd said we had decided we never wanted children, were moving to Australia or were opening up a strip club or something, but something as boring and unimportant as how you pay to repair/replace your boiler?!

cherish123 · 18/02/2021 18:08

@starseed2021 agreed

I think she is being very controlling.

RuthW · 18/02/2021 18:10

How odd. You have a practically new sofa. It's only 4 years old.

StillCoughingandLaughing · 18/02/2021 18:10

Sorry, that did make me laugh - must be very tiresome for you, though.

I love my mother dearly, but this side of her does drive me slightly batty Grin She was the same a couple of Christmases ago. She’d asked if there was anything I wanted rather than just money; I said I’d like some new towels and had seen some nice ones in M&S.

‘Do you know where does nice towels? George at Asda’.
‘Well, I’ve seen the ones I like; they’d go with my bath mat’.
‘They’re good quality; better than you’d think for a supermarket’.
‘I’m sure, but I’ve seen the ones I like. Besides, I haven’t got an Asda near me; I don’t want to have to carry them back to London’.
‘We could go and look now while you’re here and you could order them online...’

I just asked for the cash in the end 😳

RandomGirl · 18/02/2021 18:16

Urrrrgh!!! This is exactly what I dislike about in-laws!

PlsSendWine · 18/02/2021 18:18

Maybe she has someone else lined up for yours 🤣

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