AIBU, mil wanting me to replace sofa?

[Cobb121]

So my sofa is 4 years old a great big leather thing. You can see a little wear on the arms if you look closely but nothing major. It’s ideal with two young children as it’s wipe clean.

Last year mil asked us if we wanted her sisters sofa that she was getting rid of. We told her no, nothing wrong with our sofa we will only look to replace when we move in the next 2 years or so. Mil was a bit miffed and ended up taking it herself (it was bright red leather not my taste at all).

This morning she calls DP with another sofa offer from a relative. He’s unsure and says he will call her back. I’ve called her back and said thanks but no thanks. Ours of perfectly fine and would be a hassle to dispose of (it’s huge so we’d need to hire a van). Again she was a bit miffed as it’s such a lovely sofa, coat a fortune brand new etc.

AIBU to be a little offended that she wants to change my sofa?

@WeBuiltThisBuffetOnSausageRoll

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

I think you may be on to something there. She might well watch Citizen Khan on repeat and be avidly making notes throughout, as a fellow self-styled 'community leader'!

Some older people - women especially - can struggle when they've dedicated many years of their lives to bringing up and facilitating children and then, in retirement, with the children all grown up and with their own families, desperately need to feel like they're still needed. Of course, they are still very much needed - but no longer in the role of 'parent of dependent children'.

When you were 4 and your idea of appropriately tasteful interior design amounted to scribbling over the wallpaper with your chunky crayons, you did need her to gently disabuse you of that notion; when you're 34 and have chosen the sofa that best suits your family's requirements and preferences, you don't need her to overrule you.

I agree, it may also be that she isnt interested in @Cobb121 having the sofa but that she has 'promised' relative that she will find a home for this sofa. Cobb121 turned down the last one so should now take this one so that DMIL doesnt lose face.

She will have told other relative that son and Cobb will have their sofa to make herself look good.
She then won't like looking like a fool saying you don't actually want it.

Probably why she took the first one herself.

I imagine you'll go round one day and she'll be surrounded by various sofas, chairs and other crap she couldn't palm off on you after telling people you'd have them

My step mum was like that. We ended up with a really old style, flowery sofa which I hated.

@NiceGerbil

YANBU and why is your DH leaving it to you to tell his mum no?

I'll have it.

What colour is it? I may need to redecorate.

Or if you take that one, just to shut her up, I'll have yours.

Ours is manky but we can't afford to replace it

BUT - if you did take hers, what IS she going to do with yours? Has she got a buyer for yours, and that's why she's desperate to make you take different one?

I remember being out shopping with my mum and she wanted to look at some kettles. We went and had a look and before a knew it she’d picked out a new kettle for me and was badgering me into buying it (yes she expected me to pay for it). I explained I already had a kettle and I was happy with it and that I didn’t WANT a new kettle when eventually she said, quite exasperated “well I don’t like it!” . I still refused to buy a new one and she sulked for the rest of the day.

My mum develops obsessions with us needing things we don't agree we need. Years ago she went into semi meltdown about me saying that's so generous and kind of you but no thank you to a giant TV. Weird as she has always slagged off huge TVs anyway!

We’re still using the same sofa we bought in our first house in 2004 it is on its last legs but it’s comfy and we have 3dc plus a puppy so I’m content with my tatty seating arrangement.

Yanbu but as others have said your DH needs to deal with her.

In my eyes a 4 yo sofa is practically brand new.

Got mine 2.5 yrs ago when I moved and I often thing “oh my lovely new sofa” (perhaps I’m a bit sad!). Will definitely think the same in 1.5 years time.

I often thing “oh my lovely new sofa” (perhaps I’m a bit sad!).

I am the same about the wallpaper in our bedroom - we re-decorated two years ago and it made such a difference. I used to stand at the door just admiring it.

I don't do that now, but I do still look at it and think "This is soooo lovely!"

It costs to get rid of sofas so probable the relatives don't want to pay to have someone take it away. I'm always seeing posts on FB offering a sofa for next to nothing with a few marks on it and it needs to be gone almost straight away. There used to be a service run by the local council to collect old furniture but they don't do it now & the recycling centre charges. So they're just looking for some mug to take it off their hands.

My MIL is like this. And it has a lot to do with sucking up to people and us should be grateful as we're lower down in the pecking order as said above by PP. Causes offence when we say no as she's likely to have agreed already that we'll take it.

I think that some older people may think it's a nice thing to do, as in,offer a sofa,or whatever item,to another family member, but in their minds,they just don't think that their offer will be rejected,for various reasons. So this is just a family hiccup to get over, and forget.

Posted too soon, I think she doesn't like the idea that we have nice things we've bought ourselves either, that we prefer. Quite bizarre. DH is also afraid of her but had improved immensely in sticking to what he wants.

My mil tried to give us old furniture all the time, all priceless antiques but I could not live with stuff that cannot he lived with (eg an antique table that can have no hit things (plates with hot food), no wet things (slight water or ketchup spills from kids,), cannot be leant on in any way (as fragile).

Also a beautiful old sofa that had cost thousands...

I did not want any of it and she was quite miffed but said she’d sell it instead

She despairs with me choosing Ikea over Chippendale and fair enough, but I just can’t cope with stuff that’s too delicate to use (and not my taste anyway)

Stand your ground OP

I expect to get ten years out of a sofa especially a leather one

I am still mourning the cat scratched sunken one I had to get rid of last year and (then got roped into buying a far too expensive new one)

Tell her you love your sofa, when you are in the market for a new one you will be sure to tell her, thanks for the thought but no thanks.

Is she one of those people who don't like getting rid of stuff, and would rather give 'useful' stuff to people she knows? My mother has forms for this. Every time she buys herself a new something, she offers me the old one. I have 2 chests of drawers that are older than me, but my boundaries are much better now 🤣

She has too much time on her hands to be obsessing about your furniture.

Tell her “That’s really kind of you, MIL, thinking of us, but we don’t need a new sofa and won’t for a few years. Same goes with the table/bed/whatever. We’ve gone through the house and sorted out our furniture plans for the next few years. I bet X charity would love it though. Shall I give you their number?”

@lottiegarbanzo

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

This. My aunt does it as well. The furniture was always awful when (as a spineless 20 something) I didn't manage to say no firmly enough.

@ThenCatoJumpedOut

Definitely dont accept antiques. Not only will you be expected to look after them you will also be expected to 'appreciate' them on a regular basis (ie gush about how wonderful they are).

I had a bookcase my GF had built. DM was most upset that we had painted it to go with our decor. Apparently because GF had built it we were supposed to worship it in some way.

I think as other posters have said she is trying to make herself useful to everyone rather than trying to insult your furniture. But she's out of order to be annoyed when you don't want it. I guess she's trying to give family first refusal rather than the relative putting it straight on ebay etc, so it's probably coming from a good place. It might be an idea to mention ebay/ Facebook marketplace/gumtree etc if she's not aware of them , but I wouldn't make a big deal out of this.

Yes I don't understand the constant furniture changing either, my Mum does this , and constant decorating and it's just so wasteful. My MIL has a house absolutely packed with old stuff, some of it maybe antiques and also a lot of junk that late FIL picked up (was supposed to be buying and selling as a business idea but never sold any of it!) . So MIL is always trying to foist stuff on us . Just makes me feel awkward - I am anti clutter , have two small children in a flat and do not want anything that would not be immediately useful.

You're not being unreasonable. I have a great relationship with my MiL but she has been borderline rude before making comments about my home etc. If I did the same to her she would be crying and getting on.
You're not being unreasonable at all in this instance. It I was you I would ask DH to explain to her you don't want a sofa yet and although you were thankful for her thinking of you, you don't want to be offered anymore until you're looking for another one.

@lottiegarbanzo

I don't think she dislikes your sofa.

I think she's set herself up as some sort of 'invaluable family facilitator', has an idea of a hierarchy within the family (so you 'ought' to appreciate x's old sofa, because they're better off / higher up the pecking order than you) and is keen to suck up to the 'higher ups' by appearing useful to them and offering appreciation for their stuff, albeit by proxy.

OP Beware this relative! Exactly what happened to us when we moved into first flat. It was a relative who loved to do "favours" for others who went on about it incessantly and DH not wanting to offend hired a van, brought it home. It was way too big, way older and scruffier than described, covered in dog hair and smelt of dogs. We had to pay to have it taken away. Which the original owner should have done in the first place! Never again! It was a lesson well learnt as this relative was always offering our goods or services to others and taking credit as facilitator and getting offended when we said no. Say politely as other pp suggested that its kind of her to think of you you don't want any more sofa offers, but I don't think this will be the last time you get caught up in these "offers" .

@GnomeDePlume yes

It would only be worth a lot if money if we ever sold it

I would have happily kept it as an investment if I had storage space

But we don’t.

My home is not a show home, it’s functional. I have no headspace for it all