To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Oh my goodness the judgement on this thread!

Unless you’ve been on maternity during a pandemic when all you can really do is go on walks, please pipe down.

OP, my daughter started nursery 3 days a week at 9 months and loved it - she’s nearly 2 and still does. I had a lot of mum guilt putting her in earlier than I planned but she was happy and I was happy.

Ignore the naysayers and do what’s best for your family.

I don't think there is anything wrong with sending DC in 2 days a week 8-6. My DD started at 10 months and did 3 days 8-5.30pm. This was AFTER my maternity leave.

However, given that we're in a pandemic AND you're on maternity leave, I don't agree with sending DC. Is work really more important than DC?!

Ignore the comments. It sounds like he is settling in well, he'll get some time with other children (an impossibility if they aren't in childcare at the moment) and if you are pregnant again, you definitely need a break before you go back to work full-time. He will be only be full-time for a few months too, and you will to not sacrifice your career and you will get full maternity pay again. These things count too.

You have to do what is right for you! That will be different for everyone. I'm a SAHM, formerly worked p/t until I was made redundant. I can see the pros and cons to both choices. I love having the time at home but the career sacrifice is hard.

Do what you want.
I did the opposite and have up a well paid career to be a sahm. Circumstance made that the only choice I was comfortable with, dh worked away and no family close. I didn't have a baby to give it to somebody else to care for 50 hours a week.
18 years on, I earn 60% less than I did when I gave up work, I have a job not a career, but it is a job I love but would never have looked at doing pre children.

Do my kids remember us being home and the things we did? Yes.
Do they appreciate what I gave up to give them lovely pre school years? Do they heck!!
Would I do the same again? Yes. Being at the bleeding end of IT systems was damned stressful, despite being well paid.

When I working and pregnant, I used to send mine a extra day to have a break too. I was a better mum for the break.

Some people say that kids that have been to nursery are more sociable and confident etc. How do you know how your kids would have been if they didn't go to nursery? There is really no evidence of this. I think it's ok to send to nursery if you want to or need to but indicating that it's somehow better for the kids to be there than to be with their parents is missing a lot of context. I condensed my hrs to 3 days which I was lucky to be able to do and my partner also condensed his hrs and the children were socialising loads in baby groups etc. Thanks to this time we had with them they now speak three languages. But babies don't actually play with other babies and don't really need socialising with other babies. And we did a lot of arts and crafts and messy play at home. You don't need to be a qualified nursery nurse to look after a baby well.
I agree though that it's shocking how still little is asked of fathers. I have a friend whose partner owns a company and has always a day off in the week but still would send the child to nursery on that day. I found it quite shocking but most people were fine with this as he needs time to himself.
Don't know any mum who is at home doing nothing on a regular basis while child is at nursery 🤷🏻‍♀️Yet that dad is allowed a day on Xbox.
Also personally don't think the discussion should be about going sahm vs full time nursery/working full time but about striving for some kind of balance and not whole responsibility on the OP.

My 20 month does 3 days a week and has done since she turned 1. She loves going. I don't feel guilty at all - she's way more stimulated there than at home with me!

Your child will be fine doing FT nursery at this age... I intended my LO to go to Nursery 3 days a week from 8 months with 2 days at grandparents, then Pandemic hit and she ended up going 5 days a week from 8.5 months. Her hours were typically 8-5.30 (sometimes 6). She loved nursery and in my opinion has thrived. She is now 19 months and still thoroughly enjoys it and I think it has brought along better than I could have ever done - shes confident, plays well with other children and is learning lots. I am forever grateful she is in nursery at the moment as I feel like it’s allowing her some normality in these strange times.

[quote brogueish]@sneakypetesgrandmaisace Such good points. Totally see why that's the best solution for you and your family. Enjoy your day![/quote]
Thank you for the support. Some of the negative comments here are unbelievable and have left me wondering what decade we are in!

Nursery is educational and interactive full of messy play and friendships.
See how it goes or if he'd prefer a CM setting.
Ignore the negative comments DC are for life not just as babies your career needs to be nurtured too.
You will be bored stiff at home..

Hi op

I will be sending dd when she is 1 as I have no choice but to return to work FT. To incorporate my commute she has to do 8-530 every day. The thought of being without her is awful but the thought of not keeping a roof over her head is worse.

As others have said nobody bats an eyelid that your dp returned to full time employment when baby was a few weeks old. Unless you made the baby you don’t get an opinion in my book and if you can’t be kind then keep your mouth shut!

Ignore it. Two days a week leaves five other days to spend exactly how you wish.

My dd2 was in nursery two days a week from 8 months too, from 7:30 to after 6pm. Sometimes we left the house at 7am and didn't get back until nearly 7pm. Yes I felt guilty but you felt guilty about everything to do with children! Both dds were in nursery from that age and they were happy and cared for and I would take the odd day off work to care for me too.

It also gets you really good at a morning routine which is excellent for all the years of getting them to school and you to work!

I don't think 2 days is at all unreasonable, very sensible in fact, but I think the 10hrs/day when you are home is taking the biscuit unless you have a serious medical condition.

I can't imagine a KiT day once a week takes a full 10hrs/day, I would certainly be addressing that with my employer. I also don't know how 12hrs/day is necessary to get stuff done when you don't have any other child at home. We have all been pregnant with multiple kids but there seems to be a missing piece of the puzzle here. We had some of ours in care on 'spare' days to get stuff done but it was generally 9-3 like school hours. Similarly, when some or all were school age, on non-working days didn't use before/after school care, just the school hours.

I can see it both ways. In your shoes I think I would find a way to send your toddler 2-3 days a week until the end of your second maternity leave. I wouldn't send him 5 days full time while you're home, but that's just me.

If your nursery has a virtual tour etc then it might be worth sending to your DF - older people often have a grim vision of what nurseries are like, maybe the word has connotations leftover from Victorian days of bars on the windows and imposing matronly figures?

I think your kids will be fine whatever you do, so long as the nursery is a decent one. The main reason I wouldn't want to work full time is exhaustion.

If you can afford it, then finding a school hours nursery (9-3.30 or so) and working three days in four is a good option. It's a drop in pay but you are still working most days and get a few hours of play with your kids into the bargain.

My little girl has just started nursery (8months) three mornings a week and we just haven’t told my mother in law. She has strong feelings that if my daughter isn’t permanently attached to me for at least the first two years she’ll have life long attachment issues...

I wanted to be a SAHM, left my old job when I was pregnant but actually I enjoy working. I felt like my brain was slowly turning to mush so I got myself a job to give me something to keep my mind a little more active. She’ll have a sibling also later this year and I’ll probably keep her in nursery because she loves it. She is excited to see her key worker, spends all her time playing and gets to spend a few hours outside in the fresh air.

Actually right now when there are no baby groups etc a couple of days in nursery will allow him to socialize which will be good for him. You work one day and have a day to yourself. I don't think that's unreasonable.

People are always encouraging women to be independent and have a job. To do this you need nursery. It's not like you are sending the baby to work ffs.

Personally I wouldn’t do it. I think it’s strange to want to send your baby away when you are on leave.

I swear people are acting as if you’re sending your baby off to boarding school. My mother sent me to a family friend as a baby. The only memory I have of this person is her in her coffin at 3. Nothing before that. Your child will be fine and likely will never remember their time there.

Should add, some of our kids at times did long care hours when we were working. It is what it is in that regard. Just not when we were home cleaning the bathroom or oven, that didn't justify the long hours like being at work did.

I work full time in a career I love, both my kids were in nursery full time (8.30-5.30) 5 days a week from 7 months. They loved it, I loved it, everybody was happy.

Go for it!

Working through reading all the comments I’m still here lots of q’s so I’ll try answer them in one go.

@Mrgrinch I’m sorry I was being a little sarcastic because 5 days a week for 4 months clearly isn’t ‘the majority of their lives’ it’s a tiny snapshot but I understand your sentiment.

DC goes to bed at 8:30-9 so we’d still get just over 3 hours every evening with him. I’ve already noticed he’s babbling more this week. So I’m still confident that developmentally this is good that being stuck with my same old ugly mug all day.

@sneakypetesgrandmaisace you have put it so eloquently, thank you. That’s exactly how we feel. Our DC has never seen another baby, he’s never played with other children. The majority of his life has been in lockdown where it’s been illegal to see family or friends. I wonder if those saying they wouldn’t want a maximum of 10 hours a week to catch a small breath and get housework/whatever done had their baby during a pandemic where you literally couldn’t see family, you can’t go out for coffee/meals/walks with friends. No baby groups or classes. No day trips. No shopping trips. Just the same few walks around your home and that’s it.

I don’t feel guilty about sending DC for the extra day whilst I’m on mat leave, it’s a luxury that we can afford. BUT the comments from others have got me second guessing the full time return to work.

Nope, to answer PPs nobody is asking DP to reduce hours or quit his job. Not one person has asked him if he’s going to do part time.

I note the nursery worker said DCs miss their parents when full time, thank you, is a childminder that different? Or is it a more home from home experience?

I can’t remember the PP who mentioned the stately homes thread and their issues stemming from parents not spending time with them when young: that’s interesting I’ve looked at that thread a lot and considered posting about my mum, who incidentally was there my whole childhood but unfortunately full time childcare wasn’t her forte so wasn’t as responsive as others may have been. Just because someone is the parent it doesn’t mean they will enjoy or be good at every stage of parenting.

RE: sending them when I have annual leave, of course I love spending time with DC but see above it’s just been me (and DP but he works full time) looking after DC since birth. I won’t say it all again but it’s a pandemic where we cannot leave the house unless for exercise locally. Me and DC have been attached to each other for 8m now he is missing out on so much.

It seems there’s an even mix of responses, some would some wouldn’t. I appreciate them I know I’ve asked for opinions after Berating family for giving opinions that does seem silly, suppose I want to sense check that I haven’t missed something glaringly obvious in child development that’ll do lasting damage.

Haven’t read the whole thread but as an Early Years practitioner I thought I would give my perspective.
Full time 8-6 five days a week is hard going for most kids at nursery in my experience. They cope (most days not all) but whether it’s in their best interests is at times debatable. Have you thought about what happens when you’ve finished your next Mat leave? Two babies in Nursery full time? That’s expensive. Also what about when one of them is ill or just under the weather? It’s really hard fir Nursery staff to comfort a poorly little one when they just want to be home cuddled on the settee with mum or dad.
Honestly part time Nursery benefits kids more from what I’ve seen, perhaps building up to full time by age 4.
I’m not saying the childcare is all down to mums, it’s a parental responsibility, so both parents may have to sacrifice something.
And yes I know some parents on low incomes or single parents don’t have much choice. But that doesn’t seem to be your situation? Correct me if I’m wrong.

I think if you can afford nursery 2 days thats fine. 5 days in my opinion is too much for such long days though I wouldn't comment unless asked. I personally feel like it's such a busy life for them and gets them little down time I prefer my kids to be with me more so we can have more time for fun stuff.

It's up to you but I would do 3 or 4 days max working. Or get dp to drop a day and do 4 days each? More men should feel comfortable dropping days to care for their kids so the mother can work without having this hassle.

Also, I sent my older DC to nursery 3 days a week (8.30-5.30) when I was on maternity leave with my second DC. Made everyone happier!

What do people think nursery is, a prison camp? It's a delight for DC to be there.

I never understand why people ask these questions. Of course not everyone will agree that sending a baby to nursery for 10 hours a day is a good thing.
If you have decided you need to do that, then I'm sure your baby will be ok.
But each time I had mat leave (x3) I saw it as an opportunity to spend as much time as possible with my kids while they were little.

Are you returning full time in order to qualify for full time maternity pay? I suppose that that would make sense. Although if you find it hard parenting and working, you would find it just as hard, if not harder parenting two babies at once. With that in mind, would you continue to send him to nursery part time?

I don't know whether you would regret it or not. I think that you might if you returned to work full-time after the second and weren't there to do school runs etc. It's also very tiring for kids being at school all day, so a longer day full time may well be too much for them.

There is also research to show that babies can go into a survival mode at nursery, whereby, rather than cry, they just go quiet. The lack of crying therefore shouldn't be taken to mean that they're not distressed. The smiling, however, is a good sign.