To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

In my industry it's normal that families use full time child care, either nursery or nanny, from 6 months. Some people go 80% if that works for them.

There is no judgement, most colleagues dont have any family close by as most moved for the job. There is no expectation that women drop out of the workforce on becoming mothers, unless they decide to.

I think the type of judgement you are experiencing is really industry/location dependent.

I think it depends on the DC too, some children will love it and thrive and some won’t like it. Also like others said it depends on the nursery. Everyone will give their own opinion but follow your gut feeling on what you think is the right thing to do. Everyone is different and people make different choices in life. What’s right for one child and mum won’t be right for someone else.

We are about to put our 9 month old into nursery one day a week until I go back to work in May. There are many reasons why we have decided to do this:

1 - he has never seen another baby. No friend's children, no baby groups, no interaction outside of the home and me and OH.

2 - maternity leave during the pandemic has been absolutely shit and I really need a break (yes, I know that we all do and I'm no different).

3 - I'd like him to start settling in and for us to get into a routine before I go back to work.

It's not something that other people get to express their opinion on OP. Only you know what is best for you and your family.

In France mat leave is only 3m and most women I know have gone back to work full time when baby was around 5-6m. It is normal there. Doesn't make it 'right' but neither is it wrong as long as the child is cared for. My parents worked long hours and my mother went back to work when I was only a few months old. Full time, there was definitely no notion of part time at the time especially at her level. Me and my brother had a nanny. She was fab. Many kids have to deal with it and tbh I'm not convinced a SAHM is necessarily better for the child. I don't think I would have been a v good SAHM with my first one and the childminder was absolute gold!!

so still going to go the 2 days since we have to pay anyway.

Everyone feels differently about returning to work, nothing wrong with wanting or needing to go back.

But I find it odd when people have days off here and there so uses the childcare anyway "because its paid for anyway". Working full time I always relished my days off with kids. There has to be some days you actually want to spend with them or why have them?

That's too much for a baby to be in nursery in my opinion, particularly if you don't need to desperately work all of those hours for the money.

Your baby will be absolutely fine and in fact thriving if the nursery or childminders wherever you decide to put him is great.
I had to send mine from the age of 1 not because I loved my job but because I've never wanted to be financially dependent on my husband. In my mind it subconsciously changes the balance of power. I initially struggled with my daughter settling in. The nursery which looked fabulous on paper was absolutely vile. They treated children as check boxes and no empathy whatsoever. So I had to take time off work and then go part time temporarily and then found an amazing childminder who had assistants working for her for over 14 years. My daughter thrived there. She did so many activities with the children in her care which I know I wouldn't have done. My daughter used to happily run through the door in the mornings.
Sending her full time didn't change our relationship or her love for me. We had long cuddling sessions over the weekend and lots of one on one time. She has a happy mum and so we have fun.
So sending your child to the nursery is not all doom and gloom as others are saying here.

You do what works best for you and your family. Only you will know what that is so this thread is sort of pointless.

However if you (not your DF or anyone else) have any concerns about 5 full days, doing some sort of compressed hours/flexible working might suit you. My husband and I are lucky enough to have both been able to compress our FT week into 4 long days, which means that DS is with us 4 days and at nursery for 3 (pre covid he was with my mum 2 days, nursery 2 days, us 3 days). My/our "line" was that I wanted DS spending the majority of the week with us rather than anyone else, and we've worked around that.

Good luck with whatever you do, I found going back to work a lot harder than I expected and I love my job too

I couldn’t do it, they are precious months/years but if you’re happy to do it then that decision is up to you and your partner.

Blimey OP from some of the comments on this thread you’d think we were back in the 1950s! It’s ridiculous that you’re being judged so harshly for this but it’s perfectly ok for your DP to work FT. Why? Because he has a penis? Why is that relevant? Unless attitudes change we will truly never make progress.

Welcome to the world of working mother guilt. You feel guilty when at work for not being a good enough mum, and you feel guilty when at home for not being a good enough worker. But men never feel like that. Why?

My friend went back FT when her DS was 2 months old, he’s an adult now and he’s always been perfectly well adjusted and they have an amazing bond. I think that kids who go to nursery grow up more confident and more sociable. Plus nursery will teach them stuff so you don’t have to! Plus they have a great time with lots of little friends. (I think a nursery is much better than a nanny or childminder by the way.)

And I think it’s a great idea for your DS to go 2 days a week for a while to settle in. You can get all your chores done while he’s there and then really appreciate the time together when he’s at home.

Ignore the criticisers OP, it’s none of their business. Do what’s right for your family.

Stop telling the committee. They don't need to know.

Unless they are hurt because they want to look after him some of the time? (Not that you would necessarily want that)

Information is power. I suggest you read up about child attachment at different ages, v young babies surprisingly don’t seem to suffer much whoever they are with,so long as fed . Is there a grandparent or likely-to-stay- long-term -nanny -primary -care -giver substitute available. ? Co parenting a possibility ? I read up about this stuff before becoming a nanny , v interesting .

I would totally ignore any negative comments and go with your gut instincts. I work full time with 2 small children and they gain so much from nursery and having that socialisation/routine. I’m a happier person when I’m working which makes me a better mum. It’s all about quality of time not quantity and just because they’re not with you all the time doesn’t mean they don’t feel loved. If you have breaks then you can give them more of you on their days at home. If you can afford it I would definitely do it! I have spent weeks at home with my children and honestly I think it’s worse for them and me. I get bored and frustrated with them and I’m a worse mum.

@sneakypetesgrandmaisace Such good points. Totally see why that's the best solution for you and your family. Enjoy your day!

Well to be honest it's really unfair on the children you will see them at most a few hrs monday to friday the rest they will be sleeping and someone else doing most of the childcare .like it or not your father does have a point .maybe he was a bit harsh but sorry it probably is true

Tbh I would look at hiring a nanny. But also you aren't coping now and are pregnant again and love your job and cannot wait to go back? When you have 2 babies will you put them both in childcare full time. Just try not to stress yourself out. I had a 4 year 10 month gap between my 2 so I wasn't as stressed take it easy and on the days you are in the home and sending your son 8 til 3 is nice xx

I have no idea how many hours I did or didn't spend in nursery or how much of my parents I did or didn't see when I was a baby.

Kids do not remember what happened to them when they were that small unless it's traumatic. I barely remember primary school, TBH.

New parents put themselves through so much angst.

Continuing to work now and build up your career means you are more likely to be able to afford to go part-time (if you so choose) at an age where your kids will actually remember you doing stuff for them and appreciate it well into their adulthood.

Fed up views
And yet you start a thread in AIBU

I couldn’t and would not do it. Two days a week on maternity leave to have my young baby in nursery and not working - I’d feel a bit odd.

But if you can do it and want to do - do it.

We all raise our children differently. As long as no abuse or neglect, do what you wanna do!

I wouldn't do it but it's up to you. I think grandparents should be allowed to comment but then need to accept your decision. He's voicing what others may be thinking so you're aware but still your choice.

Ok I'll be totally honest- of course you can (and should) do what is right for you and your immediate family.
But as someone who worked from when both my babies were very small- I do look back and feel that I missed out. And I never worked full time. I worked 3-4 days a week from when mine were 6 months ish.
Full time (and long days) is a lot. Even for a older child. Of course they will cope. But does that mean it's right?
I sometimes wish that I had spent more time with my babies when they were small. It really does go so fast.
Work kept me completely sane- but I do feel there is a balance to be had, especially if your husband is already bringing in a healthy income.
Could you both go to 4 day weeks? And take days off opposite each other? Then only 3 days a week nursery for your little one,

You're a parent. Everyone has an opinion on the choices you make, especially your own parents. For some reason parents assume their children will raise their grandchildren exactly the same way as they raised their own children. Any deviation from that they seem to take as some kind of criticism of their own parenting 🤷‍♀️

Do what works for you. Rehearse the line "this is what works for our family" and be confident in your choices.

So out of choice, you’ll only really see your baby 2 days out of 7? That may be the most convenient solution for you, but it’s not in your baby’s best interests to be brought up by strangers.

And, despite not having time for baby number 1, you’re having number 2?

Just do what's best for your family unit. Do you think you might have a personality type that allows people to freely question you and your choices? I'm reserved/quiet and also don't like to judge people and notice that everyone seems to have something to say about childcare/where we live/only having one etc etc. I have friends and no one would dare question their life choices. Maybe you need to be firmer when people stick their nose in your business.

My first was in nursery from 6 weeks old 2x weekly as I was at college then he went full time from 8 months old as I started uni and worked part time.

My next baby due in a few weeks will also be in nursery from 6 weeks old - possibly only 2 days a week initially as we are both shift workers so depends how our patterns fall.

I could afford to not go back to work as in I would survive however living off less than half a days wages as two weeks stat maternity pay is not something I’m willing to do as I want another house and sitting around bored for a year on maternity isn’t going to buy me that.

You do what you’ve gotta do, not really anyone’s business.

I am amazed at the comments here, does everyone work part time once they have their DC then?

OP I returned to work full time when DS1 was 9 months, it's hard but he doesn't appear to have suffered any ill effects.

My other DC were in nursery from 8-5:30 from 11 months 2 days a week and they absolutely love/d it.

I was on maternity leave when I started to send DC to nursery so they could get used to it and I could get used to it without the added stress of going to work.

You will be on KIT days when you start to put your DC in nursery so you need it anyway.