To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Nothing wrong with going back to work full time. I did it when my baby was 11 months and it was great. BUT there’s no way I would have put them in childcare so I could “get a break”, especially at 8 months, and especially for such long days. If you were actually going back to work it would be one thing, but maternity leave is literally time where you are supposed to be looking after your baby, and an 8 month old will not benefit from nursery.

Ultimately your choice obviously.

I’ve voted YANBU, because it’s entirely up to you. TBH, all I wanted was to be a SAHM when DD was tiny, but we couldn’t afford it, so I HAD to go back to work. However, you really love your job and you’re using it to build for your family’s future, so why should you feel guilty? Also, by sending DS to nursery 2 days per week, aren’t you getting him used to being there and making sure he’s happy? Makes sense to me.

I sent my eldest to nursery full-time from 7.30am-6pm, she loved it, she's 16 now, still has fond memories. She's a lovely intelligent, kind, caring, well-adjusted teenager & we have a great relationship. It's done her no harm whatsoever.

However, tried to do the same with younger DD - same nursery, mostly same staff, & she hated it. I hated it because she clearly wasn't enjoying it & I ended up taking a career break for a year. So, sometimes it depends on the child.

No one ever criticised me for any of my decisions, but then I just don't give a shit what other people think, & I think people pick up on that. I never even discussed it with most people, I just did it.

What I don't get on this thread, is that if the OP was moaning about a feckless or controlling DH, everyone would be saying "why did you stop working?", "you should always make sure you are financially independent" - but how's she supposed to do that unless she goes back to work?!

Do what feels right for you and your child OP - your plan sounds perfect to me.

Personally I wouldn’t do it. I think it’s strange to want to send your baby away when you are on leave. Doesn’t matter if husband or father doesn’t want to look after the child etc, it’s your baby. In my view you should look after it and makes sacrifices to do so. But that’s my personal opinion, I am sure people will disagree with me.

Why is your baby going to nursery two full days whilst you’re on maternity but when your next baby is born will suddenly be off with you? I think (I mean this kindly) you’re telling that to yourself so you don’t feel guilty. If you need a break from your baby now, why do you think you’ll be fine having them both at home when you’ve got two?
It’s up to you.

My friend is a teacher, sent her child full time even when on school holidays herself. She got a lovely long break and her child didn’t 😮 When lockdown happened she massively struggled because she wasn’t used to having her child at home so much and losing out on her school holiday time.

Ultimately, a good balance is Nursery and time at home if possible but that should be shouldered by the dad as well. If your own dad is so bothered then he could offer to help!

There's a lot of "oh I couldn't do that" and "5 days/8-6 is too long/too tiring for a baby" on this thread. Contrast it with some of the unhappy marriages where a SAHM is trapped financially and posters say "this is why you should always maintain your career and earning power". Bloody hell, mothers can never get it right can, they? Even in the eyes of other mothers.

Was about to say exactly the same thing.

OP, if you'd come on here saying 'AIBU to quit my demanding job to be at home with my children more' you'd be told how important it was to maintain your career and personal earning prospects. Not every job is flexible enough not to demand significant childcare and you can't always have it both ways.

Do what's right for you.

OP you do what is right for your family. I’m returning next week full time as my job. My job would be an utter nightmare to do part time and I love it. DS loves his childminder (done 4 - 9-3 sessions as settling in days) and he will be doing 9.15-5.15 as partner can drop him off a little later. He will do doing this 4 days a week and one day with my mum. I felt and still feel guilty but I need to work for my own sanity and for money to give him a life he deserves. We could just survive on partners wage just about but we would struggle and have a very small food budget, have to get rid of the car, no days out, no holidays, no savings etc. I have been made to feel guilty from friends but I’m the only one of them with a career and also the only one who has always worked full time/studied. Ignore the mum guilt and do what you think is best.

As a former nursery nurse of course they are long days, a child is very busy for the majority of that day (play is still active uses a lot of energy) to the point they go home and may only be awake an hour before bed. Full time spending very little time with their main caregivers. Yes they do develop attachments with nursery staff, I had children crying when I left the room but not sure that’s all that healthy either. We were regularly asked to extend our hours too.

The right nurseries can be amazing for children, not all are the all singing dancing places they seem. Children can thrive and be fine but it does make you a little sad when it’s the same children being picked up after half 5 day in day out. Quite often the same being dropped early too due to parents commute. They do see their peers going before them and at pre school age it can be noticeable.

Obviously it’s a need it can’t be helped but a couple of days where they could get earlier pick ups, even by family members could make a difference.I don’t see an issue with going to nursery for a couple of days or half days while on mat leave. Good for everyone.

I wouldn't get up so early on maternity leave to be there at 8am but other than that it's up to you. It would be very easy for me to say unhelpful things like how much I loved maternity leave but a) I didn't, not 100% of it and b) I had lots of options of baby groups, coffee shops etc so my experience is actually so far from the reality right now I can't imagine what it's like having an 8mo.

If I had enough energy to care about what other people did then I think that would be a sign I needed a hobby!

I'm always conflicted on these threads as I absolutely think women should be supported back to work and why on earth should you have to make all the sacrifices when you've undoubtedly worked hard in your career and it gives you fulfillment.

However... I know it's frowned upon to say it but from a child centered POV I don't think full time nursery is suitable for DC that young. He may be absolutely fine but most won't be. Separation anxiety usually hits around the 9 month mark and peeling a screaming child off their parent to spend 8-10 hours in a group setting is far from ideal and I wouldn't have been able to do it with my own DC.

However again I know people often have no choice but I would say between you and your husband the best solution would be to work out some sort of compromise. Where both parents get to keep their foot in the door of their careers but both scale back during the early years so the DC isn't the one who has to make all the sacrifices.

Hi,
I don't think there is anything wrong with it, my little boy is almost 9 months and has been in full time childcare from the age of 7 months. He arrives at 8 and is picked up between 17:30 and 18:00. I don't see why I should have to give up my passion and my career because I have had a child? He is loved and has an amazing day! I don't feel guilty one little bit.

You're fine. Do what works best for you and your child/family and don't feel guilty whatsoever.

Be prepared for viewpoints that don't match yours. I would never have put any of mine in full time. Nurseries are great and the one I used was in particular but they had a 3 kids to one adult ratio and I do not believe they could give my first child the care and attention I could when she was my only child. I was also a very career driven person and found maternity leave hard, whilst I didn't experience that in a pandemic, I didn't drive and lived rural so baby groups meant long bus trips. When I did go back to work my dh asked for flexible working so he could pick my dd up from half a day at nursery and then work from home and look after her in the afternoon. He did this to facilitate me working and my happiness. Parenting is not just the job of the mother. It really depends on your own personal circumstances. Best of luck.

I don't think YABU to want to work full time, but I do think YABU for not looking for a setting where your child will have just one primary caregiver.

I'd look for a childminder to cover the gap between going back and mat leave #2. Then get a nanny as that is not going to be so different in cost to two in FT nursery.

I hate threads like this because people can be utterly ridiculous.

There is nothing wrong with sending him while you're still on maternity leave.

There is nothing wrong with returning to work full time.

There is nothing wrong with sending him to nursery full time when you return to work.

You are not missing out on the majority of his life.

Your baby will be fine. Ignore everyone else.

My DD went into 3 days nursery and 2 days child minder at 5.5 months. She loved it and still loves it now at 2! Our bond is beautiful and we still have plenty of time to do great things together. Being a SAHM isn’t for everyone don’t let people make you feel bad about it.

I would silently judge you for sendingvyour child to nursery when you are on mat leave but would never voice that opinion to you. Your baby your choice.

I am pro nurseries, DS went 3 days a week from 9-4 when he was around 13/14 months (he had been doing 1 day from 11 months when I returned full time) but I admit I have family who look after him. So very lucky, I know not all have that option.

Mine goes from 7-7, has done since 9 months and absolutely loves it, goes in very happily and reaches for the staff and is definitely good for his social skills. I went back to work early and at short notice to help staff the covid rota. So not only am I selfish in going to work but I’m also working with covid patients pretty close up. Admittedly he “only” goes 3 days a week, but other times he is with family being looked after as I work unsocial hours. Sometimes I work >80hrs a week and don’t see him for a few days too. My career is important to me, as is setting an example. In your shoes I would see if you could contract your days working and do 4 days a week then that will leave you a day of breathing space as FT with might be pretty full on.

Everyone has an opinion on how you should do things, way worse when you have kids or are pregnant. So you have to stick to your guns and be confident in your decisions 🙂

Mine went full time at 9 months

I felt awful but I was refused part time so I had no choice

My girls are outgoing, confident and independent

Do what is right for you. It will be hard juggling everting so get the food through on line and don't worry too much about a messy house. Weekends will be precious so don't spend them cleaning

My honest opinion, since you did ask for it is no, I honestly could never have sent my DS away for that long. I still can’t stand being away from him more than a day (I do 12hr shifts) so I make sure I split my day shifts up so I don’t do 2 in a row.

In your scenario I would just feel like he was being raised by other people and would barely know who I was if he was only seeing me for the 2 days that you wound be seeing your child. I’m afraid I agree with your DF to a certain extent(again, you did ask!).

As PP have said you’re obviously going to do what’s right for your family but something must be bothering you to ask us, more than just your DF in your ear. There are just so many magic little day to day moments with my DS where it’s just me and him that I know I’ll always look back on and be so grateful that we had this time together and honestly I wouldn’t trade that for anything in the world.

Doesn’t matter if husband or father doesn’t want to look after the child etc, it’s your baby. In my view you should look after it and makes sacrifices to do so

JFC.

I've sent my children to childcare full-time since they were approximately 8 months old. In an ideal world I'd have returned to work part-time but this was not an option. I did feel mum guilt but genuinely believe I'd feel this whatever I did (if I became SAHM this would mean a major financial loss so would've felt guilty for not providing).
My children are very happy and we are very close. We make the most of family time.
Everyone's situation is unique, only you and your DP can decide what is best for your family. Don't let others judgement upset you or influence the decision that is right for you.

OP, I think if you were fully confident in your decision you wouldn’t be asking an online forum for reassurance that it’s ok.

I work in a nursery and as a rule the children who do these sort of hours are happy and settled. They've usually been there from a very young age so it's their normal. I would advise that with those hours you look for a smaller setting. I work in a huge one and I think the long days can be a bit much. There's a lot of chaos and noise in the older rooms especially and not always a lot of down time. But some children thrive on this. I'd also always pick up early/not send if I could.

If you can afford to send towards the end of the end of your maternity leave that would be brilliant though. It would take all the pressure off settling in and mean your child is used to it well in advance. And if it were me about to return to full time work I'd benefit from the odd day here and there to put things in place to make working life easier and to just chill out a bit too.

Why dont you just see how you feel at the time? All this necessary drama and upset .