To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@Streamlinerose

Bookworm brought it up from my history thinking it was relevant to the OP’s situation with her 8 month old and bursary situation

@Chewingle I know, I said I thought @Bookwords sounded jealous by being bitter about a great thing that someone else has achieved (your son).

Oh that’s kind, thanks

Newnameagain111

@Frazzled99 Sorry haven’t rtft. Guessing I am repeating what others have already said. Still, she asked for opinions so I shared mine 🤷‍♀️ Sorry you didn’t like it.”

Nothing wrong with saying YABU whatsoever. Answers the question.
No need fir the “why have a baby” nastiness thereafter. Because they love each other and no doubt love their baby too?

Chewingle

Boarding school scholarship for my 13 year old son
He can’t wait!
But I’m not surprised you are going to pour scorn over it!”

Congratulations to your son, Chewingle 👏

Our son attended a boarding school as a day boy because we were only 40 minutes away (though he really enjoyed the flexible boarding element and took advantage of it often). It was a pretty high bar to win a full scholarship at our school - my boy’s bright as a button (man! giis grief, he’s 28 now, I keep forgetting 😁) but I don’t think he would have managed it.
It will change his life for the better and I think it’s brilliant that you’re allowing him to go with it. It’s not easy to let them go but sometimes you have to, for them.

18, not 28 🙄 fat fingers

I’m obviously looking too deeply into this point but it really frustrated me that a few PPs have said why have children if you love your career or similar. As if they’re mutually exclusive.

It’s not only old fashioned, 75% of mother’s worked in 2019, up from 66% the year before!! But the rates of MOTHERS in work actually overtake the rates of women WITHOUT children in work.

Go figure: mothers are actually more likely to work that someone who doesn’t have children.

Since 2000, fathers have consistently had a higher employment rate than men without dependent children. During this period, the rate of mothers in employment has overtaken the employment rates of women without dependent children. found ons website: www.ons.gov.uk/employmentandlabourmarket/peopleinwork/employmentandemployeetypes/articles/familiesandthelabourmarketengland/2019

This thread is unbelievably hostile. Am I allowed to post YABU without someone calling me a mysogynistic woman hater?
Well I'll say it anyway. I think full time nursery (when it isn't a necessity) is a bad decision for a small baby.

Oh that’s pretty nasty... But also kind of funny!

And you’re right - my boy is brilliant judge of character!

@Chewingle wow what a fantastic achievement for you son. Congrats to you both!

@bookwords must be a troll. But I'm glad she's back to see what poison comes out next. Bit of lockdown entertainment.

Poor OP.

Well I'll say it anyway. I think full time nursery (when it isn't a necessity) is a bad decision for a small baby.

No, that’s an opinion. You can hold it. You possibly haven’t quite understood the OP’s situation (her baby won’t go to FT nursery until the age of one, and she’s going off on mat leave again 3 months after returning to work, so if she goes part time for 3 months she will drastically cut her maternity pay), but you can think that nursery’s not ideal for a small baby if you want.

What WILL earn you the title of misogynistic idiot is spouting the ‘why did you bother having a child if you wanted to have a career’ bullshit.

@Sausagedog1

This thread is unbelievably hostile. Am I allowed to post YABU without someone calling me a mysogynistic woman hater? Well I'll say it anyway. I think full time nursery (when it isn't a necessity) is a bad decision for a small baby.

It's not full time. It's 2 days a week for a couple of months before OP returns to work. I'll say it again, having a baby in the pandemic is relentless. Do you really think it's unreasonable for OP to have 2 days of childcare towards the end of her maternity leave to help her son settle before he does go full time due to OP returning to work. And doesn't OP deserve a bit of help as likely she's had none in 8 months?

This thread is unbelievably hostile. Am I allowed to post YABU without someone calling me a mysogynistic woman hater?
Well I'll say it anyway. I think full time nursery (when it isn't a necessity) is a bad decision for a small baby.

Nope that's not allowed!!

I wish there was a like button for the lovely comments re my son

Thank you

He is a totally sound judge of character, good on him! I presume because you've pushed him away from the m an early age?

He will fair better boarding than living with you!

Gosh.

Well, better a small amount of time with an intelligent, emotionally continent parent than plenty of time with a semi-literate bully who can’t control their spite.

Oh wow, yes, there are some very nasty replies here!!
I have read a little more of this thread since my last posts.

I think there are lots of tensions at play aren’t there. There’s no good / bad, but I think different ideas about what is ‘optimal’, which will of course depend on circumstances.

For my own part, I think it’s reasonable to think that it is optimal for a child to spend their infant years in the care of a consistent adult who loves them deeply and who they love in return, rather than a series of carers.

Having said that, the happiness of the parent also matters, as does keeping a roof over their head and food on the table.

So it’s always going to be a trade off. Sometimes parents working full time is a financial necessity, in which case long hours in childcare may be the optimal outcome.

How do you find the optimal balance when both parents feel they need to work full time in order to be happy? It’s a tricky situation, I suppose the answer is different for every family, and a big question to consider when family planning.

But she when she returns to work it will be full time, and as a couple they can afford for that not to be the case.
I do know how hard it is, my baby turned 1 last week. I wouldn't put him in nursery for full days at 8 months while I was at home to look after him, no way. In fact I am dreading him going into childcare. He will have to do long days occasionally and I do care about my career but I'm busting a gut to make sure it's not full time.

I strongly believe that babies benefit hugely from one to one time with a consistent caregiver for at least the first year of life and beyond.

If the OP is struggling with her mental health and needs a break that is totally different, but she said it just for a break and life admin, and personally I don't think that's a good enough reason to put an 8 month old baby in nursery, which is a very overstimulating environment with strangers. That's just my opinion and I'm not calling anyone an arsehole or a shit mother so no abuse or psycho stalking please

But she when she returns to work it will be full time, and as a couple they can afford for that not to be the case.

If the OP is struggling with her mental health and needs a break that is totally different, but she said it just for a break and life admin, and personally I don't think that's a good enough reason to put an 8 month old baby in nursery, which is a very overstimulating environment with strangers.

You are entitled to your opinion but what has been particularly frustrating on this thread is the number of posters who turned up to bully the OP ‘give their opinion’ without bothering to understand what she’s doing.

This is a temporary situation. She wants to put her baby in nursery two days a week while she’s still on maternity. That’s almost certainly because most nurseries won’t take children for fewer than two days. She’s then going to use one of those days for a KIT day. The other, since she’s paying for it, she wants to use for life admin and a break - but nowhere has she said that second day would definitely be a full day.

Then she wants to go back full time when her baby is one. She’s going on maternity leave again when her oldest baby is 15 months. If she drops to part time when her baby is one, she’ll reduce her maternity pay accordingly. Depending on what her mat package is that could run into thousands - just for the sake of not working FT for 12 weeks. Clearly that would be idiotic money management.

She’s said nothing about what she plans to do when she returns to work after having her second next year. She likes her job - may she’ll return full time, maybe she won’t.

Op can go to work because she wants to and it sets her up for life financially.
Why not have two incomes?
Child will be fine

But she when she returns to work it will be full time, and as a couple they can afford for that not to be the case.

Argh!

OP is returning to work full time for 4 months MAX. Then she’ll be on maternity leave again.

Maternity pay is calculated on your salary/income.

If she drops her hours now rather than when she returns from maternity leave no. 2, their family loses out massively.

It is not the same situation as if she wasn’t already pregnant.

as a couple they can afford for that not to be the case

But that is irrelevant.
It is not about "affording "
Why not have more money for memories and pensions?
A backup if the dh dies or leaves
Money to support dc thru uni
A mumsnet house with garden and ensuites rather than small flat etcetera
If you can have two salaries and both parents haVe good careers or even just two jobs then child going to a good childcare is not an issue

Your choice but I think you may regret missing out on the first words,crawling,walking,and it goes so fast,before you know it they are at play school.
You sound like you've already decided up but you will never,ever,get those baby years back.