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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

802 replies

FTEngineerM · 17/02/2021 07:04

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

OP posts:
Frazzled99 · 18/02/2021 15:13

This thread is ridiculous and OP is long gone!

HaveringWavering · 18/02/2021 15:41

[quote Bookwords]@HaveringWavering according to OP it's not a day of zero responsibility, it's life admin and uni work according to OP. So if OP is busy doing that for 10 hours then the father can step in. [/quote]
You’re still missing my point. I meant that she needed Aa clear day with zero childcare responsibility so she could do those things. There is no reason for the full time working father to end up spending 10 hours of his weekend in solo charge of his child (and not getting to spend time with his wife) when they can pay someone else to look after their child while she dies what needs to be done during the week.

Ileflottante · 18/02/2021 15:50

I wonder if some of the ludicrously militant women bashing mothers for going back to work (but not fathers, obvs) are simply jealous because they have no prospects themselves, are totally and utterly dependent on a man to survive or perhaps simply aren’t cut out for the world of work. Smile

Bookwords · 18/02/2021 15:50

@HaveringWavering I'm not missing your point, my point is that I don't agree with you! I'm entitled to my opinion and I'm going to stick to it. No matter how many times you tell me "they can just pay for childcare", they don't need to do it themselves.

Bit like getting a dog and getting someone else to walk it as you can't find the time.

Streamlinerose · 18/02/2021 15:55

@Bookwords you’d be fuming with the dog owners on my street 😂, one company picks up about 7 dogs and takes them out for the day they love it.

It turns out someone can/will judge you for what ever you do it seems.

@Ileflottante undoubtably some of that.

HaveringWavering · 18/02/2021 16:13

[quote Bookwords]@HaveringWavering I'm not missing your point, my point is that I don't agree with you! I'm entitled to my opinion and I'm going to stick to it. No matter how many times you tell me "they can just pay for childcare", they don't need to do it themselves.

Bit like getting a dog and getting someone else to walk it as you can't find the time. [/quote]
Your opinion is that the husband should do 10 hours of solo childcare at the weekend after a full week’s work. How is that better for the child than having the whole weekend with two parents and a properly rested father?

Frazzled99 · 18/02/2021 16:21

@haveringWavering it's like banging your head against a brick wall. I wouldn't bother. All the sensible people know it's perfectly reasonable what the OP is doing. I send my eldest to her CM 4 days a week and I'm on maternity leave with my youngest, I'd be burnt at the stake! But I give zero fucks! I see my sister and friends run ragged from being home alone with 2+ babies/toddlers during the pandemic. They are struggling mentally and don't have the quality time as they're all on top of each other...how that is better than getting some paid help which your child enjoys and being in a much better frame of mind to spend 'quality' time with them is beyond me. I for one can't wait to go back to work, and yes both DC will be in childcare 4 days a week 9-5. Bliss! Do I love them any less than anyone on this post, nope. I'm just human.

HaveringWavering · 18/02/2021 16:36

@Frazzled99 Grin

Fiona2020 · 18/02/2021 16:48

@Ileflottante

I wonder if some of the ludicrously militant women bashing mothers for going back to work (but not fathers, obvs) are simply jealous because they have no prospects themselves, are totally and utterly dependent on a man to survive or perhaps simply aren’t cut out for the world of work. Smile
@Ileflottante These are the women that are then shocked when their husbands have an affair or shocked when their children leave and their marriages break down!
Bookwords · 18/02/2021 16:49

@Frazzled99 all the sensible people know you're right GrinGrinGrin

Some might call you blinkered and self absorbed!

How can it be wrong to want to look after your own child on maternity leave? I thought that's what is was for?

Karmakarmachameleon · 18/02/2021 16:55

How can it be wrong to want to look after your own child on maternity leave? I thought that's what is was for?

Noone’s said it is. You’ve said it’s wrong for OP to put her baby in nursery while she’s on mat leave. Noone’s said it’s wrong not to do so.

Frazzled99 · 18/02/2021 16:57

[quote Bookwords]@Frazzled99 all the sensible people know you're right GrinGrinGrin

Some might call you blinkered and self absorbed!

How can it be wrong to want to look after your own child on maternity leave? I thought that's what is was for?[/quote]
Bore off @Bookwords you've taken up far too much space on this board. I have zero respect for your opinions so won't be getting into a discussion with you.

Bookwords · 18/02/2021 17:12

And you're also self appointed board police @Frazzled99 ?

Amazing!

Karmakarmachameleon · 18/02/2021 17:14

I wonder if some of the ludicrously militant women bashing mothers for going back to work (but not fathers, obvs) are simply jealous because they have no prospects themselves, are totally and utterly dependent on a man to survive or perhaps simply aren’t cut out for the world of work.

Yes, I don’t want to bash people for their choices, but this is the conclusion I’ve reached from this thread. I just don’t think people who are happy and secure in their choices feel the need to bully other people for making different ones.

And the general level of comprehension and financial awareness from those posters has been very low (who would suggest a mother drops to PT hours for three months before going on maternity leave?!) which again suggests you’re close to the mark.

Frazzled99 · 18/02/2021 17:16

@Bookwords

And you're also self appointed board police *@Frazzled99* ?

Amazing!

@Bookwords I'm baffled as to why such a perfect mother is wasting her time on MN....isn't there some banana bread than needs baking, or some poor forgotten child that doesn't have your full attention?

Surely, MN is for the likes of us neglectful mothers....

Chewingle · 18/02/2021 17:20

So odd that vast majority of these posters will be mothers

Presumably mothers that teach their children or to bully / name call / criticise others who make different choices to their own

And yet here... they very much practise “do as I say, not as I do”

eternalopt · 18/02/2021 17:21

If you're sending them for one day a week for kit days, most nursery's round here insist on at least 2 days a week anyway so they don't become unsettled. You're settling your child well in the environment they'll be in when you go back to work FT, for which there should be no judgment. Tell him to go boils his head!

Fred578 · 18/02/2021 17:22

You do what is right for you and your family. I am full time now but worked part time until my youngest was 6. I wouldn’t want to be one of these women you see on here who have sacrificed everything to be a SAHM and then find their marriage has gone down the toilet and they’re left with nothing. It’s important to be able to stand on your own two feet and a good lesson for your children. Don’t let guilt force you into decisions that you aren’t happy with. It’s nursery, not Borstal

Bookwords · 18/02/2021 17:27

Do tell me where I said I was perfect? @Frazzled99?

My children are grown up, out at work so no I'm not ignoring them! I've also got a career and earn vastly more than my DH. I also managed to use my maternity leave to look after my children.

I think that's you advocating how right you are! As I said it's my opinion, it's a public site and I will voice my opinion and stick to it!

OP asked was her DF justified in his comments, in my opinion he is.

So actually you're the one with young children and spending a long time on MN 🤔

Suzi888 · 18/02/2021 17:29

“I wonder if some of the ludicrously militant women bashing mothers for going back to work (but not fathers, obvs) are simply jealous because they have no prospects themselves, are totally and utterly dependent on a man to survive or perhaps simply aren’t cut out for the world of work”
Nope, they just do it on a part time basis for a few years- because they worked hard and because they can.

Karmakarmachameleon · 18/02/2021 17:39

I also managed to use my maternity leave to look after my children.

You keep saying this, but OP has spent the last 8 months looking after her child on maternity leave.

She now wants to put her baby in nursery two days a week. There are seven days in a week.

You seem to think OP intends to send her baby to a full time prison for children in the outer Hebrides while she spends the rest of her maternity leave watching Netflix.

Did you know many women go back to work when their children are 8 months old? In fact in many countries they don’t even get 8 months off? Actually, if your children are now grown up presumably you didn’t take a year of maternity leave - the 52 week entitlement wasn’t introduced until 2006.

nellyii · 18/02/2021 17:40

I think it's your decision OP I was a SAHM for the first 4 years of DDs life I always worked odd jobs before so wasn't bothered about going to work. I started training as a HCP and I loved it I struggled in school holidays parenting full time. Lockdown has been an eye opener and tough. If you love your job then it's hard to be at home all the time and having no me time.

Frazzled99 · 18/02/2021 17:42

@Bookwords

Do tell me where I said I was perfect? *@Frazzled99*?

My children are grown up, out at work so no I'm not ignoring them! I've also got a career and earn vastly more than my DH. I also managed to use my maternity leave to look after my children.

I think that's you advocating how right you are! As I said it's my opinion, it's a public site and I will voice my opinion and stick to it!

OP asked was her DF justified in his comments, in my opinion he is.

So actually you're the one with young children and spending a long time on MN 🤔

Well done you. Yep mine are running riot and one of them even spent the day at her CM so I could have a break...Shock horror.

How about a little empathy for those giving birth and bringing up young children lockdown or is that beyond you? I'm guessing so.

Bookwords · 18/02/2021 17:45

@Karmakarmachameleon I should've said the whole of my maternity leave, not part of it.

The OP asked in AIBU was she BU?

So why are you jumping down the throats of those who say yes she is?

I've not been nasty, not called her a bad mother unlike @Frazzled99 who intimated that if I had young children I was wrong for being on MN so long, therefore a bad mother (whilst doing it herself 😂 )

Again I'll repeat I think she is being unreasonable.

Doberwow · 18/02/2021 17:46

@Frazzled99 I do not agree with OP! Please stop trying to change my mind! I do not think it's reasonable.

OP is long gone, she didn't want to hear it!