To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@Suzi888 so every parent who works ‘party’s’ on the weekend? Eh?

Sweeping inaccurate generalisations probably won’t get a good debate flowing.

If you're happy with only seeing your baby for an hour or two a day (their grumpiest times of day too) and having them have a nursery worker as their primary caregiver (by the relative amount of time that they spend with them), then go for it. Your life, your rules.

@cautiouscovidity

If you're happy with only seeing your baby for an hour or two a day (their grumpiest times of day too) and having them have a nursery worker as their primary caregiver (by the relative amount of time that they spend with them), then go for it. Your life, your rules.

This

@Suzi888 as long as it’s not every weekend I don’t see the issue. My MIL has the kids every other weekend so we can have some time together and go out (when allowed) for some drinks or food. I just think it’s important not to forget you aren’t just mum and dad that’s all. If people want to work 8-6 daily that’s fine. Nobody ever seems to say anything to the men that do?!

[quote Streamlinerose]@Fuckadoodledoooo your insight is fascinating from the opposite end. After the choices have been made, I’m so glad you’re sharing this with your children now.

I can’t speak for OP or anyone else who works as a parent obviously but there ARE multiple studies that have found direct relation to parental income and childhood outcomes. They are undeniable.

This is a good one that’s nice and easy to digest quickly: ‘Increases in family income substantially reduce differences in schooling outcomes and improve wider aspects of a child’s well-being. Cognitive development and school achievement were most improved by having more money. Conversely, reductions in family income, including benefit cuts, are likely to have wide-ranging negative effects.’

From here, I recommend reading it: www.jrf.org.uk/report/does-money-affect-children’s-outcomes

So.. there are obviously two camps that I’m seeing here. Some that think working and having kids is wrong because why an earth wouldn’t you want to spend time with them and the second who works for whatever reason and may/may not know they ARE directly impacting their child’s cognitive development.

It’s not a secret that being able to afford extracurricular activities, indulging children in their hobbies and private tutorship all play a huge role in educational success. There are outliers but generally that’s what studies have found.[/quote]
You’ll just get a load of people jumping in now to say “but are the children HAPPY? They might do well at school but I bet they are all depressed and the only thing their hearts desire is to have more time with Mummy and Daddy”. (For the avoidance of doubt I think this is unlikely to be true.)

I’m also laughing slightly at the idea of all these 1 and 2 year-olds staring solemnly at their watches and thinking “gosh, this is SUCH a long day, will 6pm never come?”. Kids that age live in the moment, as long as they are kept occupied it’s unlikely they have any concept of time of day or how long they have been there. As long as their primary caregivers reliably turn up each day and they are secure in the knowledge that they will be going home each evening, I am not sure that the length of day or number of days really registers at that age. My son is 4 and he definitely knows what day of the week it is but he doesn’t care what day it is, he tells us he loves preschool and home days equally. The only reason I prefer to have him at home one weekday with me is that I want us to have one on one time together for fun, not because I worry that his development or emotional stability would be affected if he was there 5 days a week.

Oh yes, nightclubs and bars all across the country are filled with parents partying. It’s well known @Suzi888 I recommend you stop being a goady f’er

@cautiouscovidity

If you're happy with only seeing your baby for an hour or two a day (their grumpiest times of day too) and having them have a nursery worker as their primary caregiver (by the relative amount of time that they spend with them), then go for it. Your life, your rules.

Say you have no ambition or career without saying you have no ambition or career 😂😂😂

@HaveringWavering you're being ridiculous now! A father can't look after a child one day a week because he worked all week? What's going to happen when they are both back at work full time and it's the weekend? Will they get someone else to look after the child as it's not fair for them to do it as they've worked all week.

Perhaps the grandparents could pick up that slack? Is that what you'd suggest?

Maternity leave is for you to do as you like With and two days a week is perfectly acceptable. Let’s face it we’re in a pandemic with no clubs/classes/groups or parent meet-ups etc.

Enjoy

@cautiouscovidity is every child grumpy at those times or is that your view because yours were?

@HaveringWavering I’m braced for it, I find it highly unlikely that that would be true though since there are charities like the one linked set at addressing this for children from financially worse off backgrounds. Unless charities are hell bend on making miserable kids.

God I’m getting invested again, it’s like glue.

[quote Bookwords]@HaveringWavering you're being ridiculous now! A father can't look after a child one day a week because he worked all week? What's going to happen when they are both back at work full time and it's the weekend? Will they get someone else to look after the child as it's not fair for them to do it as they've worked all week.

Perhaps the grandparents could pick up that slack? Is that what you'd suggest?

[/quote]
No- they do what every other set of working parents do which is look after their children TOGETHER at the weekend. That is perfectly reasonable for the father to do. My point is that If OP puts her child in nursery she gets a full day of zero responsibility, which is a completely different kettle of fish to having the child around at home but the care shared between you.

How is staying at home while on maternity leave giving up on your career? After mat leave don’t you go back to work? Is t the point of mat leave to allow time for parents to be with child while preserving their role at work?

I was in a similar situation and I compressed my full time hours into 4 days as did my partner so we only needed 3 days childcare which helped financially.

I also used a childminder not a nursery so a bit more of a Home from home as I was conscious about it being a long day in a nursery but the childminder was nearer home so the days I worked 8-5 my partner worked 7-4 and then Collected dd earlier so they were both home when I got back.

Ultimately, the reality is most of us have to work and you need something in place that suits you and your family and so hopefully it'll work for you but I had my parents butting in aswell to which I responded - "I need to work" (unlike my mother who didn't!!!)

@HaveringWavering It does yes, but that is really missing the point of what I’m saying. I’m a temporary SAHM (until DC get the free hours) at which point I’ll return to my career. I love being a SAHM. Other parents wouldn’t. They may be finding parenting hard or may never have wanted to spend time with young children but had children regardless as it is the ‘next step’. So choosing to use full time childcare is a way of managing that. I’m not saying that’s the wrong decision. It’s another explanation for why some people have children and put them in full time childcare.

@Absy

Oh yes, nightclubs and bars all across the country are filled with parents partying. It’s well known *@Suzi888* I recommend you stop being a goady f’er

@absy of course not every parent. Jesus Christ did I say that?! No.

@Streamlinerose I didn’t say every parent did I?
Just because someone doesn’t say I absolutely agree that putting your children in childcare 24/7 is brilliant.... honestly. There are different viewpoints to your own.
I said whatever suits the parent, that it’s up to the OP so those that take issue .

@Fiona2020 What I actually said is that it’s up to OP what she does.,
Some people may have no choice and have to work 8-6. Who knows.
It’s not MY personal choice that’s all. It doesn’t make me goady for disagreeing. Some people have children and send them to boarding school and away to grandparents at other times. It’s up to the individual parent, it’s their child.

If DH has a problem he's more than welcome to cut his hours.

There are plenty of children in those settings 8-6, people need to work to pay the bills. Mine were in 7.30 - 5pm, I can vouch that they are still alive, we have great relationships and I don't think they have mental health issues because I dumped them at childcare whilst I skipped off to work.

OK got my acronyms mixed up, I'd say its more to do with that generation tbh. I'd take no notice but the rest of my post still applies.

@Suzi888 no you didn’t say that but you said “What’s the point in having the children if that’s all you want to do. Just have your career and your party liefestyle wink”

You also said further up thread “ I don’t understand why people even bother having a child, let alone go on to have more when they’re just in childcare”

So gathering your thoughts, you don’t think people should have children if they want to work or party or a combination of both? dammit better get back in the kitchen and make those beautifully organic annabel carmel purees squeezed with my virgin thighs.

@Streamlinerose No I don’t. Not if that’s all they want to do no.

Literally none of the parents I know (even pre covid) who work FT and put their children in nursery etc were spending any time partying on weekends. For a start, how could they afford it? For eg in London for a FT place in nursery (8-6, 5 days a week) would typically cost around £2,000 a month. You don’t have much money left after that to do pretty much anything.

At the moment we’ve managed to cut down our wrap around childcare (one in school, one in nursery) because we’re both WFH and actually the kid who is supposed to be in school is homeschooling. In some respects it is nice - more time with the DCs, less time commuting. Definitely more chilled. But, if the schools and offices reopen I at least will have to completely redo and reconsider the childcare arrangements. Before I would be in the office 9-5 most days (some days I’d stay later and DH would collect), and adding in travel time, 8-6 childcare would just about cover it. By doing those hours I was seen by some as a slacker. Mostly men who had wives who were SAHMs and who didn’t have to give any headspace to childcare / home matters. I have also previously hit a lot of resistance when I was WFH. Again, thanks to the pandemic everyone has had to and the people who were against it previously have now realised that it didn’t cause the collapse of the economy. We have had to use paid childcare the whole time as we don’t have any family nearby to help out. Not everyone has that option.

@Streamlinerose My children were in bed by 6pm at that age. They would've been very grumpy if I'd been bringing them home from nursery after that time (where they'd been for 10 hours) and trying to get them ready for bed, as they'd have been overtired. Likewise for the hour or so in the morning, if I was waking them up earlier than they naturally would've woken up (based on their late bedtime) then yes, they'd also have been grumpy. It's hardly quality time at that time of day when you're trying to get yourself ready for work, pack the baby's things for nursery and leave on time etc.

Honestly OP don’t give a stuff about anyone. I love my career and worked very hard for it. Went back to work 8 weeks after DD and people lost their shit. OH took shared parental and it made more financial sense for me to return to work over him. He has only just gone back to work and DD is with the childminder and grandparents so we can now both work. She will go to the childminder more once the schools go back and she has space as she loves it there and she needs other children around. You need to do what works for you and as long as your child is happy sod everyone else :-)

@HaveringWavering according to OP it's not a day of zero responsibility, it's life admin and uni work according to OP. So if OP is busy doing that for 10 hours then the father can step in.