To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

And in terms of the baby settling in to nursery 2 days a week is perfect and most nurseries or childcare settings won’t allow less than that (regardless of what the mother or father are doing with their child-free time) because 1 day a week is disruptive to settling in.

So I think the OP is doing an excellent job of “parenting” (I.e. meeting a child’s needs).

Yep. And she’s using one of those days to have a KIT day (for which she’ll be paid). By having a long settling-in period she is ensuring her DC is well settled at nursery before she returns to work FT for 3-4 months (before going off on maternity leave with her next baby). It all sounds smart and well-planned to me.

@StepawayfromtheBiscuittin do you think your Dad, given the choice, would have preferred you to have the career and not had the children? Or was it just a typical case of man not thinking it through?

It could work out really well sending him now before the separation anxiety starts which I remember being at about 10 months. He'll be going to a place that he knows well and happy to go.
I know lots of kids that went to nursery full time out of necessity and they are the most confident amongst my kids friends. Do what is best for you and your sanity. Clearly you love your job which is not common.
If your dad is so worried, perhaps he could offer a couple of days or at least afternoons of childcare?

I had to go back to work when my DS was 6 months old. He was with a childminder 7am-7pm the first year. It wasn't obviously ideal - ideally I'd get paid and get to stay home with him too. But that's not how it always works unfortunately.

He was very very happy, no problems at all. I know a lot of full time working mums in demanding careers who've had to go back to work early and with long hours. It's just how it is if you have to/want to work.

If you were a working dad no one would mention anything.

@HaveringWavering
I don't think he thought it through. He has little understanding of all the stuff most women do to keep everything running - my mother is incredibly organised and whilst she worked all her life it was part-time as that suited both of them.
He's incredibly supportive in terms of believing in all of us as being equal in capability to men and that's where all the encouragement came from when younger. Just no clue of the fact that being a man brings automatic privilege in terms of opportunity.

Industries perpetuate the status quo that you can’t be a successful professional and climb the ladder on a part time basis because it suits them to do so. It’s cheaper for them than investing in more on costs and training refreshers for returners. Babies in nurseries full time without their primary caregivers are the collateral. I don’t think anybody really believes in their heart that full time nursery is the optimal environment for under 2s. The way the predominantly female early years workforce is treated is another issue.

Brunt0n

DenisetheMenace
Okay. Go ahead and be unnecessarily nasty.

Try not to think about the mums who have no choice and how your answers may make them feel.
There are mums who have no choice to send their kids to nursery while they are at home having peace? Who are these mums?“

That’s obviously not what I meant. The OP has a choice, so many don’t especially now with hundreds of thousands trying to scrape a living any way they can.
Lots of people are suggesting that long hours in a nursery are damaging to young babies. It doesn’t matter why they are their, presumably they believe the negative effect would be the same.

If I was struggling with having to do something that went against my instincts but had no real choice, I’d be crying reading this thread.

I am a nursery nurse, my advice would be if you have to go back to work full time and your baby will be in nursery for long days. Start them as young as possible a morning a week from 3/4 months old will make that transition to full time so much easier , a small baby is happy as long as they are fed and cared for where as an older baby 8 months plus will find it much harder to settle.
I personally think long days whilst on mat leave doesn't sit well with me but that's just a personal feeling. Do what feels right for you. If you are stressed out with baby and stating to feel low then baby probably is better at nursery. Everyone's situation is different

@Karmakarmachameleon totally understood the situation and still don't agree with it! I know you don't like it, but I have a right to an opinion. A day from 8-6 for "life admin". It's called maternity leave and is given to look after the baby.

Maternity leave is also to allow the mother to recover from childbirth. For me this includes ensuring good mental health so if that involves a day for admin / catching up on other things / headspace then I think that's a good thing.
We all cope differently and thrive in different environments - mums and babies - surely the goal is that we understand and support this as long as no-ones welfare is compromised.

Well firstly it’s entirely up to you what you do. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

But as you’ve posted on a public forum personally it would be too long for me. I don’t understand why people even bother having a child, let alone go on to have more when they’re just in childcare from 7-7, wraparound, breakfast club, after school club, then have other parents pick them up or take them so the parent can leave the house at 6am etc I work with people who do it, moan about it and still carrying on doing it. Plus signing up to be on call at weekends. I find it all very odd.

@Suzi888

Well firstly it’s entirely up to you what you do. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

But as you’ve posted on a public forum personally it would be too long for me. I don’t understand why people even bother having a child, let alone go on to have more when they’re just in childcare from 7-7, wraparound, breakfast club, after school club, then have other parents pick them up or take them so the parent can leave the house at 6am etc I work with people who do it, moan about it and still carrying on doing it. Plus signing up to be on call at weekends. I find it all very odd.

By ‘people’ you mean women don’t you? Because you wouldn’t have a pop at a father for going back to work and relying on wraparound care, would you?

Also some people like to have a house and food and things and so work to pay for that...

@Karmakarmachameleon totally understood the situation and still don't agree with it! I know you don't like it, but I have a right to an opinion. A day from 8-6 for "life admin". It's called maternity leave and is given to look after the baby.

I don’t think you do understand. Your last post talked about your ‘opinion’ about the OP returning to work FT after her maternity leave. You said you thought both parents should reduce their hours. This post is about your ‘opinion’ on the OP putting her baby in nursery for two days a week while she’s still on maternity, one of which she will use as a KIT day and the other for herself. I don’t actually think she’s said that the second day will be 8-6.

@Suzi888

Well firstly it’s entirely up to you what you do. It doesn’t matter what anyone else thinks.

But as you’ve posted on a public forum personally it would be too long for me. I don’t understand why people even bother having a child, let alone go on to have more when they’re just in childcare from 7-7, wraparound, breakfast club, after school club, then have other parents pick them up or take them so the parent can leave the house at 6am etc I work with people who do it, moan about it and still carrying on doing it. Plus signing up to be on call at weekends. I find it all very odd.

Jesus, get back in the 50s would you.

I don’t understand women who rely on men entirely without having any income of their own, but that is their choice, even if I wouldn’t personally make it.

I work full time because I love my job and it provides me and my daughter with a very nice lifestyle. It doesn’t mean I love her any less because she’s in childcare. My priorities are being able to make sure we are secure for life without relying on another person to do it for me.

I don’t understand why people even bother having a child, let alone go on to have more

Bingo. How many times has this delightful little nugget come up on the thread?

You know, you can start an awful lot of sentences about other people’s parenting choices with ‘I don’t understand why people bother having a child if...’ and none of them are nice or socially acceptable.

@Karmakarmachameleon a day to herself, she could have that at the weekend when the child's father is home surely?

As I said before the weekends could be used.

We will have to agree to disagree, that's it!

Anyway OP is long gone.

She said 8.30 to 5.30 probably.

I think both parents have behaved recklessly having a second child with the plan for childcare being 8 to 6 in nursery.
Realistically they should both be looking for flexible hours to reduce the 10 hours to something more child friendly or else hold of on extending their family until they are in a better position.

Such a long day to sort out life admin is a bit bizarre to me, being pregnant probably means you feel tired or perhaps it's taking a lot of of you OP. But it is in my opinion, very unfair on your 8 month old. This is when your husband should be stepping up.

I say that as someone on maternity leave with 3 children. The pandemic has meant I can't call on family or friends so I get it. 8 to 6 in nursery is too long for any child.

I don’t understand women who rely on men entirely without having any income of their own, but that is their choice, even if I wouldn’t personally make

It's the biggest regret of my life. I suppose it's ok if you are equal partners, but from what I've experienced myself and seen, it's always held over the woman that she doesn't work in the end. Resentment and superiority always sets in eventually. If that's not happened to any SAHM then I'm so glad for you.

I can only hope my daughters listen to me and don't make the same mistake.

I think there’s something in the point about why people bother having children to go on to put them in full time childcare. I believe there is still a lot of societal pressure to have children and many women have children because it’s seen as the socially acceptable next stage. And perhaps the reality of parenting is harder than they imagined. Social media doesn’t help with that.

@Suzi888 I don’t get people that obsess over their kids and forget the people the were before! So many people for get they were “jack&jill” before mum and dad. These are the couples that tend to end up separating when the kids are in their twenties because they have nothing left.

Most mums have to work now but most do have the weekends too. Both my parents worked till after 6pm and my mum all weekend but it made no difference to me as a kid :)

@Karmakarmachameleon a day to herself, she could have that at the weekend when the child's father is home surely?

As I said before the weekends could be used.

We will have to agree to disagree, that's it!

Anyway OP is long gone.

Ah, I see you’ve changed your focus to be on the OP’s use of nursery during her maternity leave now that you’ve realised your suggestion that she and her partner reduce their salaries for three months before she goes on maternity again was absolutely idiotic.

The nursery probably won’t take children for fewer than two days a week. A lot of them don’t. So she’s using one to do a KIT day and has one spare. Perhaps she wants to spend time as a family at the weekends rather than catching up on admin and housework. She hasn’t said anywhere that she’ll put her child in nursery from 8-6 on those days. She might pick them up at 3, who knows. Either way she’s paying for it, and it’ll help her child settle in.

[quote Bookwords]@Karmakarmachameleon a day to herself, she could have that at the weekend when the child's father is home surely?

As I said before the weekends could be used.

We will have to agree to disagree, that's it!

Anyway OP is long gone.[/quote]
So the Dad works full time Monday to Friday and then does a full day childcare one weekend day so his wife can have a day to herself? How is that fair on him?

@Fuckadoodledoooo your insight is fascinating from the opposite end. After the choices have been made, I’m so glad you’re sharing this with your children now.

I can’t speak for OP or anyone else who works as a parent obviously but there ARE multiple studies that have found direct relation to parental income and childhood outcomes. They are undeniable.

This is a good one that’s nice and easy to digest quickly: ‘Increases in family income substantially reduce differences in schooling outcomes and improve wider aspects of a child’s well-being. Cognitive development and school achievement were most improved by having more money. Conversely, reductions in family income, including benefit cuts, are likely to have wide-ranging negative effects.’

From here, I recommend reading it: www.jrf.org.uk/report/does-money-affect-children’s-outcomes

So.. there are obviously two camps that I’m seeing here. Some that think working and having kids is wrong because why an earth wouldn’t you want to spend time with them and the second who works for whatever reason and may/may not know they ARE directly impacting their child’s cognitive development.

It’s not a secret that being able to afford extracurricular activities, indulging children in their hobbies and private tutorship all play a huge role in educational success. There are outliers but generally that’s what studies have found.

@NoSausageRoll

I think there’s something in the point about why people bother having children to go on to put them in full time childcare. I believe there is still a lot of societal pressure to have children and many women have children because it’s seen as the socially acceptable next stage. And perhaps the reality of parenting is harder than they imagined. Social media doesn’t help with that.

You do realise that “full time childcare” still allows families to spend quite a lot of time together? And that for most of a child’s life they are legally obliged to be in school 5 days a week anyway? And that they might want to do sport and hobbies after school?

@Fiona2020 because they then want to party on the weekend Fiona. So they see their children for one hour before bed, five days a week.
What’s the point in having the children if that’s all you want to do. Just have your career and your party liefestyle
That’s just my point of view, you don’t have to agree with it.
I’m glad it didn’t effect you as a child, it does effect some.