To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Also not sure an AIBU is useful in this situation.

Do what is right for you and your family. Lots of people will try to make you think that being a good mother means martyring yourself for your children. Those same people would never dream of telling your DP that he'll miss out on your DC's life, or that he'll regret continuing to work full time and climb the ladder, or that you earn enough for him to go part time. So fuck them and their double standards.

not willing to put before her career

Neither is her or many other men but that’s ok? Please link me to the threads bashing men for having jobs and children, I’d like to see them.

I suppose we’d also like to see threads from her in a decade on how she gave up her career and is trapped by DP? Where is this coming from? What place (as a PP said)? Are you trapped by your DP with no career, who knows.

Vicious to consider how much parenting she will actually be doing with the child she has chosen to had, but not willing to put before her career? Nah. It's being honest.

Vicious to say that she shouldn’t have bothered having children. That if a woman needs or wants to work full time, she doesn’t deserve to be a mother. That the parenting she does do is worthless if she has a career. She doesn’t deserve to experience having a family at all if she isn’t prepared to devote all her time to it.

Meanwhile no one has suggested that her DP shouldn’t have bothered becoming a father. Men are permitted to work and experience family life. Only women are not. Your so-called ‘honesty’ (/misogynistic spite) hasn’t extended to questioning how much parenting her DP will do.

Sure, you’re being ‘honest’ about your opinion. Well done you on your ‘honesty’. But it’s a horrible misogynistic opinion and other people should be allowed to call it what it is.

By the way, a friend of mine is a GP. She cut her maternity leave short short, put her baby in nursery at 6 months and returned to work full time early last year because she felt the NHS needed her during the crisis. I’ll be sure to let her know she doesn’t deserve to have a family.

My point is - lots of women are absolutely vital to the workforce. I think that if all the mothers in the country suddenly decided to ‘put their families first’ you would feel the effects pretty quickly, and you wouldn’t like it.

She doesn’t deserve to experience having a family at all if she isn’t prepared to devote all her time to it.

That's not been said, it's been suggested a happy medium though!

I suppose we’d also like to see threads from her in a decade on how she gave up her career and is trapped by DP? Where is this coming from? What place (as a PP said)? Are you trapped by your DP with no career, who knows.

Yes, I’ve thought this a lot while reading this thread. Probably best not to go there because things will get even nastier but my experience in life is that people don’t feel the need to be spiteful unless they’re unhappy.

That's not been said, it's been suggested a happy medium though!

Oh, I apologise! Women shouldn’t bother having children unless they’re prepared to go part time. That gets said all the time to men, doesn’t it? My mistake. That’s ok then.

Vicious to consider how much parenting she will actually be doing with the child she has chosen to had, but not willing to put before her career?
Nah. It's being honest.

MotherExtraordinaire have you understood this is a temporary situation because she’s pregnant with DC2 and will therefore be back at home on maternity leave in another 4 months max?

Being a decent parent means providing as well as you can for your children that you chose to have. “Parenting” isn’t just the grunt work of the physical presence.

With another maternity leave she’d be mad to drop to part-time at this moment, because it’s temporary for a longer-term gain in not losing benefits for her second maternity leave. She’d be even more mad to give up a fulfilling career she loves.

She’s not putting her career before her baby. She’s future-proofing a situation. You’re a parent a long, long time. It’s not just the early years.

Mine were both in nursery from about 11 months. They're fine not scarred at all. They were always happy there.

In a few years they will be in school bleats on about them being away from their "primary caregiver" then.

Some vile comments on here, why can't people just respect others decisions? I went back to work and zero regrets, DS loves it, we get plenty of time together still, and it works well for us. Similarly I have a lot of respect for those who cut their hours or stay at home with their little ones if it's what they want to do.

As long as a child is cared for, has their needs met, is kept safe, has stimulating activities etc that help them to learn and grow, and more importantly a chance to have fun and explore the world around them (which is always excitinf to them when that age), then who cares?!

Its different for everyone, but I am under no illusion that my DS would have enjoyed it more with me when we were stuck at home most of the time as I wouldn't have been able to afford to do much without working, with a mum who was unhappy about giving up the career she had worked hard for and enjoyed. Same as it wouldn't be pleasant I don't expect for a child whose mother hated going back to work and found it really tough.

Wow. Reading all the comments since I lasted posted and I feel like I’ve been transported back to the 50s 😳

I am fiercely independent. My husband and I only have one shared bank account which is what we pay bills into - half and half. All other accounts are our own. My family is important yes but I am me, before I am a mother, and my career is important too.

I’m pretty sure there’s a reading comprehension issue on this thread.

People seem to imagine that the OP is sending her baby to nursery 5 days a week long hours whilst she’s on maternity leave currently, or/and that she plans to do so when her DC2 is born.

But really she’s just doing a PT re-entry to work using nursery for 2 days a week, then going FT for a temporary period while she finishes up for a second maternity leave, and then presumably might (as many, many mothers do) be using nursery for respite care while adjusting to 2 DC and to keep the nursery place open when she returns to work again.

It’s a completely unremarkable situation. There’s such awful stuff being trotted out as if she’s leaving a baby forever and will never see them again. I think people just can’t read and understand properly.

I do wonder what the women who come on here berating others for “putting children before their career” are saying to their daughters? Don’t aspire to be a surgeon, pilot, lawyer, engineer or CEO darling unless you are prepared not to have children?

And in terms of the baby settling in to nursery 2 days a week is perfect and most nurseries or childcare settings won’t allow less than that (regardless of what the mother or father are doing with their child-free time) because 1 day a week is disruptive to settling in.

So I think the OP is doing an excellent job of “parenting” (I.e. meeting a child’s needs).

I shouldn’t be so annoyed by this thread (it’s predictable) yet I am!

Also, this has been said before but is worth saying again. OP will be off on mat leave again 12 weeks after returning from this mat leave. If she goes part time now, she will massively reduce her maternity pay for her next maternity leave. She hasn’t said what her mat package is but if her employer’s enhanced mat pay package works like most, she’ll be reducing her mat pay by 20% if she works four days, 40% if she goes back 3 days, etc. For twelve weeks! So she’d reduce her mat pay by 20% just for the sake of not working for 12 days. Those 12 days will cost her hundreds for sure - probably thousands.

I can’t see how that would be anything other than idiotic money management. And it’s very important for women - especially mothers - to make smart financial decisions. For reasons that get discussed pretty much every day on these boards.

So many judgy comments about working mothers here (none about working fathers)
I’m sure given half the chance most working mothers would happily not bother running themselves ragged rushing from home to childcare to work to childcare to home to housework to bedtime to sleep and wake up and do it all again. I went back to work when my baby was 10 months old. Did I want to? No. Did I have to so we could pay our bills? Yes. We don’t have a lavish lifestyle; we have one car, live in a poky little terraced house, and haven’t been abroad since 2016. I had comments from some of the older women in DHs family about me WORKING and had to bite my tongue to not tell them to fuck off. I’m not exhausting myself for fun, I’m trying to keep our family fed, clothed and warm.

@Karmakarmachameleon if you can get past your ridiculous anger and inability to see points of view that don't say the OP is a bad mother. You'll notice that my answers advised the parents needed to change their hours.

• Yep. I don’t think I’ve seen any posts saying he shouldn’t have bothered becoming a parent - even though he went back to work when the baby was a few weeks old.

Honestly I just find it so depressing. In 2021 people still think that a woman shouldn’t be a mother if she wants to work. And then they try to excuse it as ‘their opinion’ instead of recognising it for what it is - misogynistic abuse.*

Yes and the same women spouting the nonsense can’t even be bothered to read what OP is doing and as I said before would be telling her to LTB if her husband wasn’t doing his fair share but when it comes to work, it’s seemingly ok for him to work full time and continue to do so but not OP because she’s mum. Let’s also add if the relationship were to break down they would also be telling OP she should have stayed full-time.

It’s unfortunate seeing women doing this to other women, but not the least bit surprised tbh.

@HaveringWavering

I do wonder what the women who come on here berating others for “putting children before their career” are saying to their daughters? Don’t aspire to be a surgeon, pilot, lawyer, engineer or CEO darling unless you are prepared not to have children?

18 years ago, I would have been on this tread smugly telling the OP she was awful and that she should stay at home with her baby and look after it.

That's what I did. And as I said upthread, 18 years later it's the worst thing I ever did. I've got nothing now. And my Ds is no different at 18 to all the other kids his age that went to nursery full time at three months. In fact, I think that's why he takes me for granted.

I have two tiny daughters. I will advise them not to do what I did. I'll be too old to look after their children or will be dead by the time they need that. But I want them to have a life.

Because the reality is, after putting my children ahead of myself all I can do now is cleaning or care work (I have no qualifications past gcse though and only did shit admin jobs so that's my fault too).

Life and circumstances vary
The childcare is good and your child's happy?
Your communication and expectations are good with them then go for it.
It can be lovely to see your child surrounded by caring supportive teachers

I think people assume childcare is not what it is at all with the experiences they have.
Many people send there child 5 days a week because the world is expensive and some of us strive for a better living and lifestyle for our children so we need childcare.
Lifestyles have changed dramatically so always feel free to own your choices and that if it works for you then it must be right or worth a go.

@HaveringWavering

I do wonder what the women who come on here berating others for “putting children before their career” are saying to their daughters? Don’t aspire to be a surgeon, pilot, lawyer, engineer or CEO darling unless you are prepared not to have children?

Yes. This. I agree with you. And you’ve made me feel better.

I am very comfortable with my own decision to put my baby into childcare so I can work on my own career. It’s ok to want something that’s mine, to have an identity beyond ‘mummy’, to provide for my child and to hopefully be a role model for them when they’re older.

But the sheer, inflexible judgement from some women on these threads who say they’re just being ‘honest’ really wears me down.

@GettingAwayWithIt

So many judgy comments about working mothers here (none about working fathers) I’m sure given half the chance most working mothers would happily not bother running themselves ragged rushing from home to childcare to work to childcare to home to housework to bedtime to sleep and wake up and do it all again. I went back to work when my baby was 10 months old. Did I want to? No. Did I have to so we could pay our bills? Yes. We don’t have a lavish lifestyle; we have one car, live in a poky little terraced house, and haven’t been abroad since 2016. I had comments from some of the older women in DHs family about me WORKING and had to bite my tongue to not tell them to fuck off. I’m not exhausting myself for fun, I’m trying to keep our family fed, clothed and warm.

100% this If I could I'd love to drop to part time or even not work at all. It's not ideal but cannot afford not to work.

Haven't read this whole thread but from my experience if you want to send your child two days a week now it's your choice, if your child is settled and happy then that's great, it can take a long time for some babies to get settled. I went back to work when my baby was 1, had no choice but to send her 4 days a week and sometimes she does long days. I have no family and support at all nearby and if I could do it again I would have loved to have sent her a bit earlier for a day or two to save my sanity. It took her a long time to settle and I have had many sleepless nights about whether I am doing the right thing but I need to work and she is now 2 1/2 and is absolutely thriving, loves nursery, chats away to me about her friends and what she's done and it's done wonders for her confidence. She really missed it during the first lockdown when it shut. Lots of family members have made comments to me about how much she is in nursery and I've just had to grow a thick skin (they don't offer free childcare which they had with me and my siblings!). The other positive for me is that she knows that Mummy works she has a little play laptop and she taps on it and says I'm working like mummy. Do what is right for you and your family. Maybe in an ideal world we would all be at home with our babies until school age and have enough money and then slide seamlessly back into our careers but in reality it doesn't work like that.

@Karmakarmachameleon if you can get past your ridiculous anger and inability to see points of view that don't say the OP is a bad mother. You'll notice that my answers advised the parents needed to change their hours.

Ok, well done. You think both of them should take a pay cut while expecting a second child rather than commit the heinous crime of using FT nursery for three months.

I don’t think you’ve understood the OP’s situation properly, but I’m not going to explain again. I sincerely hope you are smarter about your own finances than your advice to the OP indicates.

People can decide for all sorts of reasons not to have careers that require full time work. Lots of people are not really cut out for it and doing your own childcare is a perfectly legitimate use of your time. However it is deeply wrong to suggest that someone should give up or dial down a career that they love and are good at because children can’t go to childcare 5 days a week.

It is also hugely insulting to millions of women who have to work full time to make ends meet.

@FTEngineerM the only people who matter here are you, your baby and your DH.
I went back to work when my youngest was six months old. She went to a childminder from 8.15am to 6pm and loved it. Her sister joined her at 8 months old.
Then when their brother was born I didn't go back for four years bar the odd project here and there.
Each time I made the decision based on what felt right for all of us at the time. That's what matters.

And I hear you on the DF comments. My dad pushed all of us children - all girls - to be ambitious. Told us we could do whatever we wanted. Then he couldn't understand why I didn't immediately want to give up my career as soon as I had children. Funnily now I wish I'd listened more to my mother who really understood what it was like to juggle it all.