To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

@HoppingPavlova

Also to add to my earlier post, for those criticizing, I think it's important to add most of us with new babies in the pandemic and pre-schoolers have literally had no support from anyone! Not even 30 minutes where someone else holds or watches your baby. It's constant 24/7. Nurseries/CM are the only legal break we can have! Mum's sanity so she can parent her baby is essential. I jad a babg 20 months ago, went to all the baby groups, had support from my mum and other family, went swimming, met with friends, could meet other mums for lunch etc etc.

I think this aspect is a complete furphy. I think parents in the pandemic have very distorted views on what parenting was like pre-pandemic and feel it's like another thing they are missing out on when it's not necessarily the case.

I don't know of anyone who had family support when kids were little. People either have family overseas, in a different State or for those with family more local their parents were still working. People don't tend to retire at 65 anymore, everyone I know keeps going until they have to retire on medical grounds and then they are not well placed to look after kids! Siblings busy working etc. That meant, that for those with local family, that on weekends parents, siblings etc were all busy fitting in their own necessary daily chores and own families around their hectic weeks. People didn't have eople standing around twiddling their thumbs to hold a baby to give parents a break!

As for all the lunches, social stuff etc? When you are on maternity, people generally have friends that are working so no opportunity to have lunches, social chats during the week and on weekends friends are busy doing their own chores around their own busy week.

The baby group thing is odd. It's new, baby groups didn't exist when I had kids. Getting babies to try and shake maracas in a group with other babies lest they be developmentally delayed for life was not a thing. I do have many relatives and friends with kids having kids now so have kept up with these goings on. You are missing nothing with these things not being on, baby will be fine! In fact the feedback from friends kids with kids is they are thrilled these things have been cancelled because it's thrusting them together with other people they would not organically be friends with in a million years, adding yet another thing in the daily 'to-do' list, but they do it because they feel there's pressure these days so 'baby doesn't miss out'. So, they are actually relieved as opposed to upset.

In short, pre-pandemic many parents had babies with no support and it's hard. It's meant to be hard. And isolating. People just got on with it. None of this is new.

Complete and utter bollocks. I had a dream mat leave 3 years ago. Friends, groups, families, holidays. A break from the kids while I met friends in the evening. This last one over the pandemic has been awful awful awful. Sometimes I think people do overestimate how much they would be doing but generally any mother who’s had mat leave recently has been dealt a shit hand.

Bookwords

Why are women so f**king nasty to other women?

Because they don't agree with their choices? Are you saying every woman should back every other woman and no woman has ever been wrong“

Nope, I’m frequently wrong.

But why go to the trouble of making a stranger feel really horrible about their personal choice of childcare.

@DenisetheMenace the OP asked for opinions, was she being unreasonable?

Most people just said yes she was, which I personally agree with.

After reading all the OPs responses (never get to at time back ).. where has she got ‘pissy’?

The last one thanked people for their responses and giving her lots to think about. I can see some shite PPs who clearly haven’t rtft or ops responses @Runnerduck34 I’m looking at you, almost every point she’d covered in PPs. MN has a great feature to click ‘see all’ yah know.
@Bookwords have you voted it’s 60% NBU.. literally the majority think NBU.

Anyway I feel far too well versed in someone else’s life for any more this evening.

Okay. Go ahead and be unnecessarily nasty.

Try not to think about the mums who have no choice and how your answers may make them feel.

You should do what is right for you and your family. It's about the engagement with your baby when you are with him, not needing to be with him constantly.

It sounds like working makes you happier, and a happier parent. That will benefit your child.

@Streamlinerose not voted, I'm on the App!

@FTEngineerM

You basically don't see your baby and are having another

I’m confused, have you read my PPs? There are 168 hours in a week and this week for the first time ever at 8m old he spent (what turned out to be) 19 of them in a nursery. How is that basically not seeing?

And by your own admission your baby should be sleeping for the majority that he's not at nursery as a 9pm bedtime is not sustainable longterm nor in their best interests. So, how many hours, exactly with a ft nursery attendance, housework, meal preparation etc, do you think that you're actually going to spend that are true quality time with your BABY.

Have you considered that your career maybe important to you. But having a present mother will be important to the children you're CHOOSING to bear?

@DenisetheMenace

Okay. Go ahead and be unnecessarily nasty.

Try not to think about the mums who have no choice and how your answers may make them feel.

There are mums who have no choice to send their kids to nursery while they are at home having peace? Who are these mums?

@DenisetheMenace I've not been nasty, just said I think it's UR! Which was the original question.

@DenisetheMenace I don't think a full day a week is needed for life admin, uni, that can be done when both parents are present and the other is on childcare duty.

That's my opinion.

Your comment that parenting is meant to be isolating is utter nonsense

I wouldn’t say it’s meant to be, but it very often is. You’re lucky to have family nearby and so many friends’ houses to pop into for lots of breaks. I don’t think this is a normal reflection of parenting for your average new mother.

I’m not going to give the OP my opinion because I always presume OPs don’t actually want to hear opinions regarding nurseries. They just want affirmation that they are doing the right thing.

I do it weird that people are so sure that small babies can “love” being at nursery all day every day. A few smiling photos from a nursery worker is irrelevant really. Even on your hardest day at home with a baby, you could probably snap a few nice photos of them smiling with their blocks. It hardly captures an entire day’s worth of feelings.

She's got all the choices, that's the point.

The OP has not been abused. She has been pissy with people that don't agree with her though.

I think that telling a women she shouldn’t have become a parent if she wanted to have a career is absolutely, inexcusably vicious. It’s saying that her parenting is totally worthless if she works.

It won’t hurt your child at all. I would only question that it has been hard parenting in a pandemic and this would presumably coincide with an easing of lockdown restrictions. You might find that you miss out on the fun part of your firstborn, taking them out to classes, meeting other parents and socialising with others. It is harder when you have two DC and is not the same experience. I would only question it from that angle and missing out yourself.
Would 4 days a week working be an option for you? So you get to experience some of the things you missed during your maternity leave during the pandemic.

@Karmakarmachameleon

The OP has not been abused. She has been pissy with people that don't agree with her though.

I think that telling a women she shouldn’t have become a parent if she wanted to have a career is absolutely, inexcusably vicious. It’s saying that her parenting is totally worthless if she works.

Gosh, I missed that. There is always one. Everyone else has absolutely not said that.

It's clearly your decision, but no I wouldn't do what you're suggesting.
They are only little once and it goes so unbelievably quickly, its precious time that you don't want to one day wish you'd had together. Maybe this is what your dad is saying, maybe he regrets not spending that time with you?
My little boy is 16 months and I can totally relate to you wanting a bit of space, but the months have honestly passed me by in a blink, he's now a proper little toddler and I already miss the chunky wriggly little 8month old he used to be. So keep him close to you a little longer! ❤️

Gosh, I missed that. There is always one. Everyone else has absolutely not said that.

It’s a very long thread but it’s actually been said many times by different posters.

I assume people just toss it out there without realising what a cruel comment it is. Or maybe they do realise and fully intend to be spiteful, in which case they really aren’t in a position to criticise anyone else’s parenting!

You have to do what's best for you. I personally couldn't do it as I know I would regret missing all
them memories and milestones but if your not going to enjoy it in the same way they will be better in nursery as they will enjoy it there and they won't know any different anyway. you will still have all your weekends, evenings and annual leave to make as many memories as possible.

It’s a very long thread but it’s actually been said many times by different posters.

It has as well as ignoring that OP has a husband who seemingly doesn’t need to care about missing these milestones that posters are berating OP about or should also step in and maybe shorten his hours to care for his own child.

Pointless thread. You will do whatever you feel is right, you’re already upset by other people’s opinions so

My little one has been in full day 8-18:30 two days a week Since he was 10 months old.
He loves his nursery days
I work 7-21:00 on those days mostly and even if I'm not working he will still go on his set days.
We pay for them so he can use them.
It's just a bonus tidy the house day if I happen to not be working

Im nearly 25 weeks pregnant now and he will still go to nursery whilst I'm on mat leave because he enjoys it - and would miss it if he didn't go

@phoenixrosehere

Yep. I don’t think I’ve seen any posts saying he shouldn’t have bothered becoming a parent - even though he went back to work when the baby was a few weeks old.

Honestly I just find it so depressing. In 2021 people still think that a woman shouldn’t be a mother if she wants to work. And then they try to excuse it as ‘their opinion’ instead of recognising it for what it is - misogynistic abuse.

housework, meal preparation etc, do you think that you're actually going to spend that are true quality time with your BABY.

If you at home24/ 7
You do meal prep etc
So you not with your baby then?
Or how does it work?
Or does doing meal prep with baby in the room count as quality time after all?

How do you define quality time?

I am sure op can create memories and do "quality after nursery
Maybe even with her dh too
You don't "miss milestones " .the first time they walk for you is just as good if it happens first for granny or nursery or whoever
The first poo in potty doesn't matter who saw it
You can take pic of next one if you need to

@Karmakarmachameleon

The OP has not been abused. She has been pissy with people that don't agree with her though.

I think that telling a women she shouldn’t have become a parent if she wanted to have a career is absolutely, inexcusably vicious. It’s saying that her parenting is totally worthless if she works.

Vicious to consider how much parenting she will actually be doing with the child she has chosen to had, but not willing to put before her career? Nah. It's being honest.