To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

I also think it's odd having days off from your baby

I think it's really odd that someone wouldn't! Perhaps not when they're so young however I was mostly a SAHM for 4/5 years but put them in a childminder two mornings a week when they were 18months and 2.5. It was glorious! The best two days of the week it was the only thing that kept me sane. I think other women must be made of stronger stuff than me as I found it absolute torture being with under 3's all day every day and that was pre-pandemic.

My baby certainly gets more out of being at nursery during the pandemic then he would at home with me! The scheduled activities, devoted attention & socialisation with other children is far better for him. Don't give other people's opinions a second thought.

Also to add to my earlier post, for those criticizing, I think it's important to add most of us with new babies in the pandemic and pre-schoolers have literally had no support from anyone! Not even 30 minutes where someone else holds or watches your baby. It's constant 24/7. Nurseries/CM are the only legal break we can have! Mum's sanity so she can parent her baby is essential. I jad a babg 20 months ago, went to all the baby groups, had support from my mum and other family, went swimming, met with friends, could meet other mums for lunch etc etc.

I think this aspect is a complete furphy. I think parents in the pandemic have very distorted views on what parenting was like pre-pandemic and feel it's like another thing they are missing out on when it's not necessarily the case.

I don't know of anyone who had family support when kids were little. People either have family overseas, in a different State or for those with family more local their parents were still working. People don't tend to retire at 65 anymore, everyone I know keeps going until they have to retire on medical grounds and then they are not well placed to look after kids! Siblings busy working etc. That meant, that for those with local family, that on weekends parents, siblings etc were all busy fitting in their own necessary daily chores and own families around their hectic weeks. People didn't have eople standing around twiddling their thumbs to hold a baby to give parents a break!

As for all the lunches, social stuff etc? When you are on maternity, people generally have friends that are working so no opportunity to have lunches, social chats during the week and on weekends friends are busy doing their own chores around their own busy week.

The baby group thing is odd. It's new, baby groups didn't exist when I had kids. Getting babies to try and shake maracas in a group with other babies lest they be developmentally delayed for life was not a thing. I do have many relatives and friends with kids having kids now so have kept up with these goings on. You are missing nothing with these things not being on, baby will be fine! In fact the feedback from friends kids with kids is they are thrilled these things have been cancelled because it's thrusting them together with other people they would not organically be friends with in a million years, adding yet another thing in the daily 'to-do' list, but they do it because they feel there's pressure these days so 'baby doesn't miss out'. So, they are actually relieved as opposed to upset.

In short, pre-pandemic many parents had babies with no support and it's hard. It's meant to be hard. And isolating. People just got on with it. None of this is new.

Brunt0n

Obv totally fine for child to go to nursery while you work. It wouldn’t sit right with me to send them to nursery to ‘have a break’“

Glad you approve 🙄

I was nearly 40 with my second, unplanned (much loved) child. By 7 months I desperately needed “a break” now and then.
Thankfully, no-one was nasty about me sending my 8 year old child to school.
Had there been a smaller gap, that break would have been needed just as much and no doubt I would have looked at nursery.

Why are people so damned nasty about other families childcare choices?

Do what suits you. I had a year off for maternity, it was relentless. I would have loved to have offloaded him for a day off, my mental health took a big whack as he was a very difficult baby.

He is a toddler now and absolutely loves nursery. He had a massive tantrum today as he didn’t want to come home (was far too busy playing!).

I get you want and need a break, parenting is hard work and is much harder during lockdown but sending dc for such long days , particularly when on maternity leave wouldn't feel right for me- is your KIT day 8-6? Ours are much shorter. And for the other day I would send them for maybe half day, having said that if you are going to send them 8-6 ,5 days a week in 3 months time maybe this would be a good way to get them used to nursery? I'm a bit torn, this shouldn't be all on you, and your MH and career are just as important as DHs- I think you both need to make adjustments, having children involves sacrifice and compromise, you cant have it all. Can DH have your baby for a morning/ afternoon at the weekend so you can unwind? Can you afford a cleaner to take some of the burden away?
Sending DC for such long days 5 days a week would be a last resort for me. It will probably mean you and DH will miss milestones , first steps, first words etc. Of course nursery will be too discreet to tell you that but odds are you won't be there does that matter? it depends on your feelings. Will you continue with long nursery days when you are on your next maternity leave? Im guessing yes as if its exhausting now it will be harder with a toddler and a baby , sorry but it sounds like you and DH are outsourcing parenting. Personally I would try and negotiate a better work/ life balance because at the end of the day you and DH will spend more waking hours with your colleagues than your children. Can both you and DH go down to 4 days or do compressed hours or WFH?
However I would wager that your dad never had to compromise himself, it would have been unusual for a man of his generation so realistically he is unlikely to know just how hard it is to look after babies and young children 24/7!

@HoppingPavlova exactly this.

When DD was a baby, we went to the supermarket, went for walks, read books and played with playdoh/pasta/crayons etc, napped, played with water, played in the bath, cuddled.

It's repetitive and boring often. But it is your baby. If you feel like that how does a 22 year old in a nursery surrounded by lots of babies feel?

No 'baby groups' needed and certainly no family to help. They are busy with their own lives.

Nobody has been nasty. OP asked for opinions so got given them.
Nobody was sexist, they were replying to the scenario that OP had said herself and her partner had decided upon.

what a ridiculous thread. You've made up your mind and just want to justify it to everybody!

I had to go back to work FT when my baby was 6 months old. There was no other option (single parent) and it was challenging in the sense that I feel that I missed out on time with my baby and I was jealous of the mums who could work PT! My child is now in primary school and very independent and sociable, there are very fond memories of nursery which gave opportunities I couldn't. I think everyone has an opinion, you must do the right thing for you and your family.

Somebody up thread said their dc goes to nursery 7am till 7pm 5 days a week. That to me is shockingly long and must be absolutely exhausting. I can understand if you have to work but choosing to work and putting your baby into nursery for such a long time makes me wonder why people have kids. Sorry that's really harsh but I just don't get it. My dd loved nursery when she went the year before she started school. My dgs absolutely hated it and really struggled to the point I ended up having him while my dd worked. As a single parent she was the only one to earn the money for her and dgs. I just feel exhausted thinking about the strict routine people would have to stick to and the constant catching up at the weekends. Sorry to offend. Thats just my opinion

OP my DC are well past the preschool years and there was much hand wringing and guilt from me when I went back to work over a decade ago now.

We used a combination of childminders nurseries and eventually a nanny and they're both well adjusted kids with very few memories of the nursery or childminder.

My point is they were both well looked after in every childcare setting and my career has flourished as I didn't take any extended career breaks apart from two one year maternity leaves.

Do what you feel is right and ignore the pearl clutching on here. It was just as bad a decade ago on MN so some things never change!

@HoppingPavlova

Also to add to my earlier post, for those criticizing, I think it's important to add most of us with new babies in the pandemic and pre-schoolers have literally had no support from anyone! Not even 30 minutes where someone else holds or watches your baby. It's constant 24/7. Nurseries/CM are the only legal break we can have! Mum's sanity so she can parent her baby is essential. I jad a babg 20 months ago, went to all the baby groups, had support from my mum and other family, went swimming, met with friends, could meet other mums for lunch etc etc.

I think this aspect is a complete furphy. I think parents in the pandemic have very distorted views on what parenting was like pre-pandemic and feel it's like another thing they are missing out on when it's not necessarily the case.

I don't know of anyone who had family support when kids were little. People either have family overseas, in a different State or for those with family more local their parents were still working. People don't tend to retire at 65 anymore, everyone I know keeps going until they have to retire on medical grounds and then they are not well placed to look after kids! Siblings busy working etc. That meant, that for those with local family, that on weekends parents, siblings etc were all busy fitting in their own necessary daily chores and own families around their hectic weeks. People didn't have eople standing around twiddling their thumbs to hold a baby to give parents a break!

As for all the lunches, social stuff etc? When you are on maternity, people generally have friends that are working so no opportunity to have lunches, social chats during the week and on weekends friends are busy doing their own chores around their own busy week.

The baby group thing is odd. It's new, baby groups didn't exist when I had kids. Getting babies to try and shake maracas in a group with other babies lest they be developmentally delayed for life was not a thing. I do have many relatives and friends with kids having kids now so have kept up with these goings on. You are missing nothing with these things not being on, baby will be fine! In fact the feedback from friends kids with kids is they are thrilled these things have been cancelled because it's thrusting them together with other people they would not organically be friends with in a million years, adding yet another thing in the daily 'to-do' list, but they do it because they feel there's pressure these days so 'baby doesn't miss out'. So, they are actually relieved as opposed to upset.

In short, pre-pandemic many parents had babies with no support and it's hard. It's meant to be hard. And isolating. People just got on with it. None of this is new.

Nope you're wrong. I have a very clear view of parenting pre-pandemic as I had a baby 20 months ago. And a baby 3.5 months ago in lockdown. Completely different experiences.

First baby I was able to meet mum friends as I joined NCT, family and friends were able to watch baby so I could have an hour to myself every now and then, whether to rest in the early days or have a run/swim later on. I could go to others houses for play dates, a cup of tea, a frigging chat. I could go to family's houses for some adult interaction. I could take the baby to groups, soft play, swimming, the park. Your comment that parenting is meant to be isolating is utter nonsense, I actually laughed. Who said it's meant to be isolating?! It takes a village and all that....

Second baby mid-pandemic, I haven't had any adult interaction bar my husband and my vulnerable mum walking outside 2 meters apart both of us in a mask. My baby has seen no other faces except mine, DH and sister. The rest have been in masks. It is isolation like I have never known, so actually all of this is new.

If OP can afford the support for a couple of days a week It's an absolute no-brainer in my opinion. My CM for my eldest has kept me sane, just. I don't know how I would of coped with 2 under 1.5 in lockdown. Hats off to those that are managing it, you must be made of stronger stuff than me.

Sorry don't see why you would do this on maternity leave, and that is five very long days. You'll be seeing you baby for about two hours a day!

You and your DH need to try and change hours.

@HoppingPavlova I’ve got a nearly 3 year old and a 3 month old, so have very recently had babies both pre and post pandemic and I can tell you it is absolutely a WORLD of difference being in the pandemic.

Both our families live in the UK but far away. With DD1 by now they had visited several times, including my mother staying for a week after the birth, and we had visited them. By contrast none of our families has even met DD2.

We have lots of local friends, most of whom have kids. DD1 we visited them and they visited us. We could have a cup of tea indoors while the babies played safely on the floor, in the warm. DD2 we see each other in wet cold parks, which were actually closed in the first lockdown. DD1 I could hire a babysitter and go for a meal with DH while the baby slept. I could take the baby to a cafe or a shop with me. We went to museums and galleries for free. Now with DD2 my options are park, park and park again. And the same 4 walls of our house.

And that’s leaving aside the many baby groups we did which we both really enjoyed. Yes having a baby is hard but literally ALL the things that make it easier are unavailable now.

Saying that, all of the above was really for my benefit rather than the baby’s. In weighing up whether a baby needed to be in childcare I would try to prioritise their needs as much as possible above mine. And so I would send them to enable me to work, but probably not to give me “a break” while I was off unless I had some physical or mental health issue. Of course being pregnant would count if I felt really rotten, but if it was just to get stuff done around the house then I’d do that at the weekend and get DH to look after the baby.

Honestly OP, I would speak to mothers you know in real life who have jobs and careers. MN is always going to be skewed in favour of people who don’t have careers because working mothers are less likely to spend lots of time on Internet forums. (Draw from that what you will!)

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions? Did you want a thread of people agreeing to make you feel better? YABU

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions?

Don’t you? You honestly can’t understand why the OP is ‘pissy’ at people telling her she shouldn’t have bothered becoming a parent if she wanted to have a career as well? That the 138 days a year she’ll spend with her child are meaningless?

There’s a difference between opinion and abuse. The OP’s received abuse and calling it an ‘opinion’ doesn’t change what it is.

OP Aibu

PP Yes

OP no I'm not!

Don't ask if you don't want opinions!

@Karmakarmachameleon

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions?

Don’t you? You honestly can’t understand why the OP is ‘pissy’ at people telling her she shouldn’t have bothered becoming a parent if she wanted to have a career as well? That the 138 days a year she’ll spend with her child are meaningless?

There’s a difference between opinion and abuse. The OP’s received abuse and calling it an ‘opinion’ doesn’t change what it is.

I wasn’t commenting on her child going to nursery while she worked, this isn’t about her career. I was surprised that she would want to send her child to nursery early when she’s still on Mat leave. My suggestion was that OP could go back a bit early, part time, so she gets that break from toddler life during a pandemic (monotonous I agree) and also gets a bit of money before she goes back on Mat leave again soon. Could be a good option! But I think OP is looking for reassurance not opinions.

@Karmakarmachameleon

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions?

Don’t you? You honestly can’t understand why the OP is ‘pissy’ at people telling her she shouldn’t have bothered becoming a parent if she wanted to have a career as well? That the 138 days a year she’ll spend with her child are meaningless?

There’s a difference between opinion and abuse. The OP’s received abuse and calling it an ‘opinion’ doesn’t change what it is.

The OP has not been abused. She has been pissy with people that don't agree with her though.

No one actually gives a shit

@Karmakarmachameleon I don't think the 138 days that are the issue, it's the other 227!

Brunt0n

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions? Did you want a thread of people agreeing to make you feel better? YABU“

Really? Asking for opinions (based on the lived experience of others) is one thing. Effectively being told you are an awful person who shouldn’t be having a second child is way out there and just gratuitously nasty. If you’ve nothing sensible to add (from real experience and not Pollyanna mothering manuals) keep your nasty opinions to yourself.

Why are women so f**king nasty to other women?

@DenisetheMenace

Brunt0n

What I don’t understand is why people post asking for opinions ... and then get pissy when people give their opinions? Did you want a thread of people agreeing to make you feel better? YABU“

Really? Asking for opinions (based on the lived experience of others) is one thing. Effectively being told you are an awful person who shouldn’t be having a second child is way out there and just gratuitously nasty. If you’ve nothing sensible to add (from real experience and not Pollyanna mothering manuals) keep your nasty opinions to yourself.

Why are women so f**king nasty to other women?

😂so far from Pollyanna mothering it’s unreal - I work 2 days a week, I have my toddler the other days, yes it’s hard in lockdown. If OP doesn’t want people to answer ‘AIBU’ then maybe she shouldn’t ask that question? 🙃

[quote Bookwords]@Karmakarmachameleon I don't think the 138 days that are the issue, it's the other 227! [/quote]

Why are women so fking nasty to other women?

Because they don't agree with their choices? Are you saying every woman should back every other woman and no woman has ever been wrong?

I wasn’t commenting on her child going to nursery while she worked, this isn’t about her career. I was surprised that she would want to send her child to nursery early when she’s still on Mat leave. My suggestion was that OP could go back a bit early, part time, so she gets that break from toddler life during a pandemic (monotonous I agree) and also gets a bit of money before she goes back on Mat leave again soon. Could be a good option! But I think OP is looking for reassurance not opinions.

She is doing that, effectively. Her plan is to send her child for two days a week. One of them will be a KIT day for her (for which she’ll be paid). The other day she wants to take for herself.

If she went back PT, it would involve a new contract which would affect her maternity pay for her next baby (due in a few months).