To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

*they're

If you have the choice to work part time/take a career break, then the degree to which nursery benefits your child depends on what kind of parent you are/can be /want to be. If you aren’t willing or able to provide a child centred routine, messy play, opportunities to socialise with peers etc as a stay at home or part time working parent, then it makes sense that your children will benefit more from being in a nursery or childminder setting more than children with fully engaged stay at home/ part time stay at home parents.

I just have a hard time with preverbal children in nursery. It's trusting strangers to be as kind or nice or attentive as you would be. If I hadn't had family members, I suppose I would have gone for a childminder with friends' children already there. Or a nanny if I had the money, with a nannycam in the house. But, I'd rather have been poorer for those first two or three years.

I think 6pm is a bit crap. Only because your child sees other parents arrive and they do become sad when they are the last child standing. I think 8-4 or 5 daily is absolutely fine. Just the 6pm is a bit crap

I've always worked full time BTW. I had my 1st dd when I was in my 1st Yr of nursing. I had 9.months of and went back in the sept. I did nights morning evenings and uni work. I used nursery and family. I had a 5 Yr gap between kids and have always worked full time. I used nursery and family 1st time and found my child dehydrated as they only had drinks at certain times. Childminder with 2nd and it was great home from home n cheaper xx

@Christmasfairy2020

I think 6pm is a bit crap. Only because your child sees other parents arrive and they do become sad when they are the last child standing. I think 8-4 or 5 daily is absolutely fine. Just the 6pm is a bit crap

My DD used to be so angry if I picked her up at 5 because she'd miss story time! I think it depends on the nursery. If it's one where everyone works at the same place then they'll all get picked up at 6 anyway.

I think 6pm is a bit crap. Only because your child sees other parents arrive and they do become sad when they are the last child standing. I think 8-4 or 5 daily is absolutely fine. Just the 6pm is a bit crap

I'm not sure this is a thing for a 1 year old.

We've got a few full time children at my nursery. They do get tired as they are busy days and as they get older they will have to fit into the nursery routine. My advice would be to schedule time for long weekends or a week off quite regularly through the year so they get a bit of time to relax at home.

On the whole the children are fine and happy. Try to find a nursery that has regular trips out of the building so that they dont become too institutionalised by spending that much time in one place. At home they would have plenty of trips out to the shops and into the 'real' world. You need a nursery that does this for full time children.

[quote EachBleachBlairTrump]@Mrgrinch don't be utterly ridiculous! I bet no one has ever said that to the child's father[/quote]
Tbf the reason is probably that most babies want their mum over anyone else, maybe consider what the baby needs over what the parents need??

Why do you want to hear other people's opinions? Your child would probably prefer to be looked after by a parent, but you are an adult so it's your choice and the consequences associated with it.

@oakleaffy

That is a heck of a long day for such a young child. The early years are so essential to a child’s well-being and future “Attachment “

Exactly this is what infuriates me about Mumsnet!! Snap and shout at your child and you’re damaging them emotionally but leave them in nursery 50 hours a week with some overworked poor sod on minimum wage running between 3 of them and it’s fine!!!

@Christmasfairy2020

I think 6pm is a bit crap. Only because your child sees other parents arrive and they do become sad when they are the last child standing. I think 8-4 or 5 daily is absolutely fine. Just the 6pm is a bit crap

At our preschool there is a queue of about 10 parents at 6pm. It’s peak pick up time. We all come off trains from the City in non-Covid times but we don’t pick up any earlier because we are WFH!

My view is reality coloured by the fact that when I finished my degree I worked in lots of nurseries before travelling and I really didn't like what I saw.
I think parents see such a brief amount of it how can they know their dcs are happy all day. People are not paid enough and it's obviously a really hard job and there's not enough rights either. Where I worked the staff were all youngish and were often fed up, disinterested and bored. In some cases it was worse and dcs were left in nappies too long (of course I said something to management) and just one day I remember seeing all the dcs in highchairs being fed it was all rushed and mechanical and just didn't feel great. Now that I have dcs I definitely look back and think a lot of things didn't feel right.
Kids cried a lot all day and yes I'm sure people will say they cry alot at home but I have three dcs and I've never experienced so much crying all the time. They didn't go outside enough
at all and tbh even though we did do stories and messy play it was all managed loads as we had to think about all the cleaning so want quite as free as plp may think.

In one case I was cuddling a toddler who always had his hands up and the manager told me not to do that too much as that's all he wanted, she didn't mean it in a horrible way just that we had other kids to look after. I worked in several and it was the relatively a similar experience in all. This is MY experience though and it did influence me, I waited until 2 1/2 with all my dcs and yes of course money and career suffered. I'm freelance now for this reason. I know it's not easy, we have no family support but I'm not at all comfortable with loads of childcare with pre-verbal children. However this is my view, each to their own.
I totally get how impossible it can be though as nursery is one of the options out there, I'm just not as convinced as how great they are as other people, in addition the kids get sick all the time and despite everyone saying that its amazing for their immune system I'm personally not convinced. I totally get though that plp have to work and keep a roof over their heads but the older in nursery the better in my view.

I wouldn't do this, OP. It's a long, long day for a very small baby and you're not even working yet.

If you're struggling then I'd look for help from your partner or some other solution, but not this.

@Sooverthis1

My view is reality coloured by the fact that when I finished my degree I worked in lots of nurseries before travelling and I really didn't like what I saw. I think parents see such a brief amount of it how can they know their dcs are happy all day. People are not paid enough and it's obviously a really hard job and there's not enough rights either. Where I worked the staff were all youngish and were often fed up, disinterested and bored. In some cases it was worse and dcs were left in nappies too long (of course I said something to management) and just one day I remember seeing all the dcs in highchairs being fed it was all rushed and mechanical and just didn't feel great. Now that I have dcs I definitely look back and think a lot of things didn't feel right. Kids cried a lot all day and yes I'm sure people will say they cry alot at home but I have three dcs and I've never experienced so much crying all the time. They didn't go outside enough at all and tbh even though we did do stories and messy play it was all managed loads as we had to think about all the cleaning so want quite as free as plp may think. In one case I was cuddling a toddler who always had his hands up and the manager told me not to do that too much as that's all he wanted, she didn't mean it in a horrible way just that we had other kids to look after. I worked in several and it was the relatively a similar experience in all. This is MY experience though and it did influence me, I waited until 2 1/2 with all my dcs and yes of course money and career suffered. I'm freelance now for this reason. I know it's not easy, we have no family support but I'm not at all comfortable with loads of childcare with pre-verbal children. However this is my view, each to their own. I totally get how impossible it can be though as nursery is one of the options out there, I'm just not as convinced as how great they are as other people, in addition the kids get sick all the time and despite everyone saying that its amazing for their immune system I'm personally not convinced. I totally get though that plp have to work and keep a roof over their heads but the older in nursery the better in my view.

You cannot generalise about nurseries. I am sure there are plenty of crap ones but I know for a fact that the one my son attends is not remotely like you describe and, judging by the way that people on the local parenting forums gush whenever anyone asks for a recommendation, there are lots of others near us that also go above and beyond. It’s up to the parents to satisfy themselves that the setting is right for their child.

You're absolutely fine OP. Ignore all negative comments. I'm also on mat leave with DD2, 4 months, and it's so hard, there's nothing to do, no family support, no where to go, no one to see. It's beyond depressing. For that reason I continued to send my eldest, 20 months, to her childminder. She's there 4 days a week and absolutely loves it and it means she has the space for when I go back to work. I have zero regrets, she is thriving there. As for DD2, it's so tough and I am actually considering going back to work early if restrictions don't ease soon. I will send her to the CM for a month before I return to help her settle and give msyelf some time before work. If you can afford it and you are both happy, why wouldn't you. Anyone who is judging you and hasn't had a baby in this pandemic can do one imo. X

@HaveringWavering I said it was my experience of several nurseries I worked in, I'm giving my view on it as the op asked for opinions on sending an 8 month old. Honestly I don't think they are great environments for small babies no but people have other opinions and make decisions for their own families and that's their choice. We are all allowed to give an opinion.

[quote Sooverthis1]@HaveringWavering I said it was my experience of several nurseries I worked in, I'm giving my view on it as the op asked for opinions on sending an 8 month old. Honestly I don't think they are great environments for small babies no but people have other opinions and make decisions for their own families and that's their choice. We are all allowed to give an opinion.[/quote]
Not saying that you are not entitled to your opinion! However (just like my positive experiences) it’s of no actual use to OP, she needs to make her decision based on the actual settings that she is considering.

I have to work full time but don’t want to. I returned when DS was 13 months. He still loves me, we have a great bond and I’m still his mum.
You do you and remove negative people from your life or atleast ignore their opinion where you haven’t asked for it.

If it enables you to work
Or to rest
Or to get things done
Or to have family time at weekends
Or whatever

Then the "consequences " are all good
Try it and see

I think your plan is fine, as long as it's good quality childcare and your baby is happy. Personally I think 5 full days is a bit much - I would try and keep it to 4 max and would probably also keep him in whilst you are off with the next baby - reduce to 2 days maybe. By 15 months he will start to benefit from it so seems a shame to stop completely!
Parenting toddlers in a Pandemic is a completely different story so don't take any crap from people who have never done it.
I do wonder who all these people are who are commenting, why have you even told them what you are doing? Just keep things to yourself otherwise every single parenting decision will attract unwanted comments.

@Frazzled99

You're absolutely fine OP. Ignore all negative comments. I'm also on mat leave with DD2, 4 months, and it's so hard, there's nothing to do, no family support, no where to go, no one to see. It's beyond depressing. For that reason I continued to send my eldest, 20 months, to her childminder. She's there 4 days a week and absolutely loves it and it means she has the space for when I go back to work. I have zero regrets, she is thriving there. As for DD2, it's so tough and I am actually considering going back to work early if restrictions don't ease soon. I will send her to the CM for a month before I return to help her settle and give msyelf some time before work. If you can afford it and you are both happy, why wouldn't you. Anyone who is judging you and hasn't had a baby in this pandemic can do one imo. X

Also I've had a lot of comments and raised eyebrows about still sending DD1 to her CM while I'm on mat leave with DD2, even from my own husband. But he's not rushing to offer to stay home with them in lockdown while I go to work. I spend my wages paying for the childcare and am doing it for her happiness and my sanity. It works for us and I genuinely don't care what anyone says oe thinks!

I wouldn't think twice OP, but both mine were in FT (7.30-5.30) from 4 months.

You do what you have to/want to do. I have no regrets and none of the comments sting because it was a choice I made for me and my family, others opinions didn't factor into my decision making process.

Thanks for this thread and really shocked to see some frankly rude comments, this is why women struggle to have true equality, if other women don’t even support them.

I went back to work f/t at 6 months despite continuing to breast feed. My partner stayed at home and looked after baby and once he reached 9 months ( was going to go at 6 months but the week he was due to start we decided still a bit too early) he went to nursery a couple off afternoons a week. Literally now at 2 and through lock down nursery has been a godsend he absolutely loves it and gives both me and dad a break and opportunity to be better parents.

And why should you not put your child in whilst on maternity leave, I wish I had done as may have made my life with PND slightly better!

I guess what I am trying to say is ignore everyone else and just do what feels right for you x

@Sooverthis1

My view is reality coloured by the fact that when I finished my degree I worked in lots of nurseries before travelling and I really didn't like what I saw. I think parents see such a brief amount of it how can they know their dcs are happy all day. People are not paid enough and it's obviously a really hard job and there's not enough rights either. Where I worked the staff were all youngish and were often fed up, disinterested and bored. In some cases it was worse and dcs were left in nappies too long (of course I said something to management) and just one day I remember seeing all the dcs in highchairs being fed it was all rushed and mechanical and just didn't feel great. Now that I have dcs I definitely look back and think a lot of things didn't feel right. Kids cried a lot all day and yes I'm sure people will say they cry alot at home but I have three dcs and I've never experienced so much crying all the time. They didn't go outside enough at all and tbh even though we did do stories and messy play it was all managed loads as we had to think about all the cleaning so want quite as free as plp may think. In one case I was cuddling a toddler who always had his hands up and the manager told me not to do that too much as that's all he wanted, she didn't mean it in a horrible way just that we had other kids to look after. I worked in several and it was the relatively a similar experience in all. This is MY experience though and it did influence me, I waited until 2 1/2 with all my dcs and yes of course money and career suffered. I'm freelance now for this reason. I know it's not easy, we have no family support but I'm not at all comfortable with loads of childcare with pre-verbal children. However this is my view, each to their own. I totally get how impossible it can be though as nursery is one of the options out there, I'm just not as convinced as how great they are as other people, in addition the kids get sick all the time and despite everyone saying that its amazing for their immune system I'm personally not convinced. I totally get though that plp have to work and keep a roof over their heads but the older in nursery the better in my view.

My sister worked in various nurseries over a ten year period and experienced the same.

We did need to use a nursery while we worked (mornings only) and because of what my DSis had told me it made it all quite stressful but we didn't have a choice.