To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

I went back to work, full time, when DD was 6mo.

At first she was with one of our family members, 5 days a week, 7:45am-6:00pm

Now she is 4, starts school in September. She goes to nursery 3 days per week, 7:45am-5:45pm. I am WFH full time and DP is working full time also.

She has flourished and is so ready for school now.

I love my daughter but I also want to work full time. You should not be made to feel guilty for working and using childcare options that are available to you.

@converseandjeans

strawberriesatmypicnic what puts you off? I used a childminder as I didn't like the idea of so many babies all around the place! Too busy. Childminder was more chilled and like being at home.

Lots of babies in one room ( 16-17 usually where I worked) plus constant my colds all year round and DV bugs infecting both staff and babies every autumn/ winter. Unhappy underpaid staff and even though it's legal ratio 3 babies to one carer is actually really really difficult.

And the constant crying babies and staff

Nursery is probably a lot better than family helping out, in almost all instances, which you’d get less reaction to.

As long as you are happy that it’s an excellent nursery, I’m sure it will be fine.

I can understand an older family member saying such things,as my view would be the same, oldie here. I would never have wanted to put my two children into any kind of childcare, never mind a baby. But now, obviously, the situation has changed over the years, where women have to go out to work etc, and you all have to do what you have to do.

People have different opinions and different availability of childcare.

My sister has already had more family childcare for her just-turned-one year old than I have had ever for my 11 year old, full stop.

She thinks she and her partner get no time together and wants family to 'help more' including overnights and facilitating holidays abroad where baby stays here. I can't get my head round how she can even think of doing that and, from my perspective, she's had a ridiculous amount of help and support already, with grandparents doing regular days per week and overnights already. We had no real time away from childcare until DD was at school. With the exception of three evenings, I spent every minute I wasn't at work with DD - evenings, weekends and holidays

Conversely, though, I had my child in a normal year and was back at full time work when she was very, very small. This meant an 8.30-5 day for DD with her childminder from her being 9 weeks old.

My sister has done almost a year of Mat leave, in a pandemic, starting with a baby that was eight weeks Prem. Her DH works full time. From her perspective, although I was paying, I was leaving my baby with someone else far more and far longer than she ever has to date.

Neither of us is right, neither of us is wrong. We're just different people - and because we're both capable of acknowledging that, we just get on with it.

I will say that the early leaving hasn't hurt my relationship with DD at all, or hurt her. She's a confident child, never struggles to make friends or go into new settings and I'm sure that this was part of it.

My kids both went to daycare, full time, from 3 months old. I didn’t have option as that was the length of maternity leave in the country that I lived in at the time. They both thrived and I continued to do the job that I really loved.

I assume you are going back full time so you get full time for second maternity leave. I think that’s fine.

Full time pay that is.

@Mrgrinch - do stop it!
OP - whatever works best for your your family is right.

It amazes me that people can be quite so horrible to strangers. Actual real life peer reviewed research shows that children aren’t actually scarred for life.

There is a slight rise in levels of aggression in children who attend nursery full time at age 5 but a British study found this impact was no noticeable at 11. A study also found that children who went to nursery had superior language and social development.

Most importantly a study found that it was mostly down to the quality of childcare. Children from low income families who used informal or poorly rated childcare, families who used high quality (top 10-15% of settings) childcare were protected from negative effects.

My DS is now 8 and me and my DH, through the years have had, us both work full-time, one work full-time, the other part-time and a small amount of time where one was a SAHP. Sometimes you have to get on with what life throws at you.

My DS attended full-time nursery from 8 to 5.30 for a little while. He was fine and he enjoyed it.

Do what is right for you and your family. Good luck OP.

Why aren't they suggesting your DP stay home? It drives me crazy that there is always the assumption that the female is a low-earner and only good for staying home and changing nappies!

You have a brain and are entitled to continue to use it post-birth.

If you choose to stay home then it should be up to you and your choice.

@PlanDeRaccordement that is a lovely child centred and equal way for you and your partner to organise your working lives.

OP, our nursery was a fabulous place, it was at my husband's work, a well led stable team without too many staff changes, the staff and manager went to so much trouble for the children and they taught us everything we know about parenting. They had a clear child development understanding and philosophy and activities were always well planned and interesting. I have a very tactile dd and I remember going in on open day and seeing a picture of dd doing messy play sitting on a huge plastic sheet in her vest and pants doing messy play with cold spaghetti and red paint. I mean, can you imagine the mess, but so much fun for my toddler. And they had great behaviour management and talked to the children in such a good way about any disputes or problems. My friend picked her up once and said she had thought nursery would be impersonal compared to a childminder but had been impressed. See what your preferences are, but whether childminder nanny or nursery, it's the people and their communication with you and your child that make the difference.

@ScrapThatThen
Why thank you for saying that. My DH got a lot of abuse and sneering for doing an equal share. But that was twenty years ago at this point. I do hope times will change to both lessen the pressure on mothers and encourage men to do an equal share. Children do need to be valued and centred and the more society and employers recognise that, the more flexible they should be with all parents.

I'm not sure I get the 'it's a long day'. Surely they'll be doing much the same at nursery as they would at home, only it'll be the nursery staff with them rather than mum/dad.

@BigFatLiar

I'm not sure I get the 'it's a long day'. Surely they'll be doing much the same at nursery as they would at home, only it'll be the nursery staff with them rather than mum/dad.

I get it. I think people mean there's more hustle and bustle, more kids around, more people in general around. There's just not the comfortable setting of being at home. Even if they are doing similar to what they are doing at home, it's just different. I prefer a nursery setting but can understand the advantage of a childminder when it comes to this.

@FTEngineerM

I think some are saying I’m going to send DC1 whilst off with DC2 may leave. No - DC1 will be full time from 1yo to when I’m off on mat leave again so 3-4m depending on when I drop.

You absolutely SHOULD send DC 1 to nursery for at least a couple of days a week while off on maternity leave with the new baby. I only have one child but loads of my son’s preschool friends have had baby siblings and they have not stopped going. You’ll need time for just you and the baby and your DS1 will miss nursery if you take him out completely. You’ll also lose the place for when you go back to work after may leave 2. Why do you not want to send him?

If I'm honest the children that are in my nursery 5 days a week from 7.30-6.00 have either behaviour issues or bonding issues.

[quote ScrapThatThen]@PlanDeRaccordement that is a lovely child centred and equal way for you and your partner to organise your working lives.

OP, our nursery was a fabulous place, it was at my husband's work, a well led stable team without too many staff changes, the staff and manager went to so much trouble for the children and they taught us everything we know about parenting. They had a clear child development understanding and philosophy and activities were always well planned and interesting. I have a very tactile dd and I remember going in on open day and seeing a picture of dd doing messy play sitting on a huge plastic sheet in her vest and pants doing messy play with cold spaghetti and red paint. I mean, can you imagine the mess, but so much fun for my toddler. And they had great behaviour management and talked to the children in such a good way about any disputes or problems. My friend picked her up once and said she had thought nursery would be impersonal compared to a childminder but had been impressed. See what your preferences are, but whether childminder nanny or nursery, it's the people and their communication with you and your child that make the difference.[/quote]
I echo this. I initially thought of nursery as childcare but it was so much more. His life would have been so much less rich just hanging out at home. He also thrives on the routine of nursery and I really noticed how unsettled he got when I had more flexible days on the 2 days we spent together at home. When he was about 2 I upped his days from 3 to 4 even though I was only working 3 days. No regrets. However the one thing I would say is that we do very much cherish “Mummy and DS Day” on a Friday and I would feel that 5 days in preschool was too much. It will feel odd when he goes to school in September and has to be there full time.

If you don't want your choices to be judged, why ask the opinion of total strangers here? It's got bugger all to do with your father either.
But I can't help wondering why you're bothering having a second one!

@Jobseeker19

If I'm honest the children that are in my nursery 5 days a week from 7.30-6.00 have either behaviour issues or bonding issues.

But the ones who only go 4 days are magically OK? Where do you draw the line?

To those people saying spiteful things to OP like ‘why did you bother having children’ - please stop. Your words cause actual harm.

Firstly, we need women in the workforce. Would you like all female nurses, midwifes, doctors, police officers etc to quit when they have small children? I certainly don’t. (I have a friend who’s a GP who cut her maternity leave short, put her baby in nursery at 6 months, and went back to work in April 2020, because she felt the NHS needed her during the crisis. These career bitches, eh?)

Second, if being a SAHM or having a ‘little job’ works well for you, that is great. But please don’t deny that it is a dangerous choice for many women. We’ve all read the near daily threads on here about women trapped in financially abusive relationships, or with men who don’t respect them because they don’t earn, or men who suddenly run off with a younger model; or women who now want to return to the workforce but can only get low-paid work or no work at all and have no pension; or women who resent the drudgery of motherhood and housewifery because they feel trapped by it. Of course, there are many people for whom it works well. But there’s a reason women fought for the right to work. There’s also a reason men don’t generally jump at the chance to give it up. And the more mothers are made to feel guilty about working, more women will end up in dangerous situations.

Just on the nursery/childminder issue - I've used both with my kids and have been very happy with both. One thing I would say, childminders tend to work on their own so if their sick or take a day off etc then you're stuck. Nurseries on the other hand tend to have staff to fill in.