To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

op there are always some! Ignore them ignore your DF as you have said dc have missed so much out & don't people realize that the government know this & the fact that nurseries have been allowed to stay open is because the lack of opportunities for social development for them

I find this thread very surprising. My DD is going full time to nursery and my friends who are having kids now are doing the same. It seems a very old fashioned attitude that mothers must stay at home with kids or they don’t love them enough.

I look forward to going back to work, I get a sense of satisfaction from it, I worked hard to get where I am. I also enjoy having money to treat my DD and put money away for her future. Plus, I’m sure nursery will be good for her as she can socialise.

Really strange that my DH would never get comments such as why have a child if you never see it. A surprising level of sexism is obviously still prevalent.

I used a nursery for my first child and a Childminder for my second and worked 4 longer days. The childminder was the best decision I’d ever made she has been amazing constant and part of my DD life for 7years as she does school pick up too. Do consider a good CM if that’s an option as you get a more secure bond with the primary career which you don’t get in a busy nursery. She had regular interaction with the other mindees but wasn’t overloaded by big busy nursery rooms.

I don't think it matters who it is but be it mother/father/nanny but it does matter to a baby to have a consistent care giver.

I went back to work full time at 6 months and my DH took the second half of the year off. Then, since he was 1 year old he has been in nursery 8:30am (or 930 if one of us WFH) - 6pm 5 days a week. It's worked very well, at 4.5 he is an extremely sociable child (must be nursery since it doesn't run in the family!), extremely self confident and has a great bond with both me and DH. Don't let anyone kick you about this decision, OP, do what is right for you and your family!

OP here is my view as a childminder. I have cared for several babies/young toddlers whilst their mother's have been on maternity leave with both them and subsequent siblings.

They have a wonderful time at my setting and I feel proud to support their mother's who may want to work/rest/play. Whatever they choose to do is really none of my business. But I do know they are much happier as a result of it.

Do what is right for you and your baby and I wish you all the best xx

@Gottalovesummer what a lovely reply

I went back to work FT after having DC1 as I knew that -

A) if I went to PT in my role I would be paid as PT but still have a FT workload as they wouldn’t backfill my hours with someone
B) we needed to buy a bigger house and required a bigger mortgage
C) I wanted to have another DC quite close together and my mat pay was calculated as a percentage of my salary. So a higher salary meant that I could get more mat pay and take longer mat leave.

I have never had a baby in a pandemic but have a son who started full time at the Creche when he was 6 months old. He went 7.30-5.30 until he went to preschool at 3.5y.

And you know what - he is 20 now - super social - very well adjusted - and in his last year at a really good Uni.

He has never needed therapy as his mum
Had no choice but to go back to work full time when he was so young.

I am sure you have chosen a great nursery and he will thrive.

And I truly believe that a great nursery can be a really good thing for botH baby and mum.

Please don’t listen to the pessimists.

zootrop thank you

I worked in a creche where we opened from 7.30am to 6.20pm.
Took children from 12weeks old and there were quite a lot who did these full days. Most were about 8/8.30 - 6pm.

These parents absolutely had to work to provide..but its an awful situation to be in.

I felt so sad for both parents and children.

The children who did the really long days used to be so upset looking at the other children being picked up for the last few hours.
And except for the summer months..it would be dark when they arrived and dark when they went home. Just time for food, bath and bed.
I would frequently be paid to take children home if parents were working late/made plans so would see what their evening routine was like and there was really no time outside of the 'routine' to really spend time with the child. Its heartbreaking.

My own niece,6, goes to her old creche in mornings at 7.30 with baby sibling.

At 8am school comes to collect her and take her to breakfast club.
Then school until 1.30pm.
After school club til 3.30 then creche bus comes back for her and she stays at creche til 6.30pm.
Home by 7, washed,fed in bed by 8.30.

Monday to Friday

I know theres really no other alternative for most families that's what makes it so frustrating and sad. I feel for anybody in the position where they have to work such long hours away from their children. But this is how the world is for many now sadly.

@Gottalovesummer, thank you that is lovely to hear.

And my 3 year old, nearly 4, has never turned around and said "mummy I really resent going to the childminder at 3 months" 🙄🙄

@Gottalovesummer

OP here is my view as a childminder. I have cared for several babies/young toddlers whilst their mother's have been on maternity leave with both them and subsequent siblings.

They have a wonderful time at my setting and I feel proud to support their mother's who may want to work/rest/play. Whatever they choose to do is really none of my business. But I do know they are much happier as a result of it.

Do what is right for you and your baby and I wish you all the best xx

100% agree with this

Some of these posts are absolutely vile. Would you make any of these comments to men? Is it any wonder women of childbearing age find it difficult to maintain a career.

What I also find shocking is the judgment SAHMs get on MN in comparison. They can't win either ffs. When is comes to women and their children, they're damned if they do and damned if they don't.

You asked about nursery v childminder

My opinion is that a childminder is a better option (nanny if financially possible) because nursery can be a very noisy, full on environment and they can't exactly take themselves off out for a quiet 5 minutes. I think it's very tiring in the way going to a wedding can be tiring.

I think babies/toddlers benefit from the bond between their carer & them (some nurseries are better than others in this regard, but it's not the same as a CM or a nanny).

I think it's beneficial with a CM/nanny too in that it's much more 'normal' life. Going to the park, the shops, home life going on. Rather than being in the same room/building day after day.

I think 5 long days in nursery is a lot of time and not much time at home. I'd definitely look at 4 days each so DS gets a day at home with each of you and only 3 days in care. Or a nanny at home if you can afford it. If not a CM. WIth nursery being my last choice.

IF you go ahead and out DS in nursery (or even a CM) I'd definitely look at keeping him in 1-2 days a week for his benefit as much as yours. Going cold Turkey from his friends/norm and having a bee baby in the house woukdnt really be the best option.

@Gottalovesummer that really lovely to read, thank you for sharing.

Also I’m grateful to everyone sharing how they juggled childcare! It’s definitely unique to each family so I’ll certainly use some of these responses with confidence when it’s next brought up.

Nothing is set in stone and we can change if necessary, that’s what our plan has been and now it’s set in motion it seems to be working well for DC. I certainly have more energy with him today after getting things done yesterday.

[quote Pancakeorcrepe]@Slumpington a child in nursery from 08am to 6pm every weekday is not really a balance, is it[/quote]
Um, why not? It’s a spectrum isn’t it? I see plenty of my kids.

They are loved, they have my attention, they are well adjusted, bright, doing well.

They have a strong female role model in their lives and I’m senior enough that if I want to take time off for a school play (in the old world) then I can.

Who are you to say this isn’t an acceptable balance, just because you choose a different approach? What’s wrong with it?

And why is no one criticising their dad for the same choice?

Ignore ignore ignore. Everybody is so opinionated about what people do with their children! Nobody else’s business. Nursery is brilliant - playing with them all day, teaching them new skills and words. And if you enjoy your career then that time is good for you as well. Enjoy it x

Personally I wouldn't but then again I have worked in the baby rooms of various nursery's.....

poor kid, you'll see them an hour a day probably.

People are so weird

"In your scenario I would just feel like he was being raised by other people and would barely know who I was if he was only seeing me for the 2 days that you wound be seeing your child."

Op is going to see baby every day every night of course baby will know who she is!

Op do what is right for you
Op is,raisng child making decisions yes including about care of the child
Raising a child is way more than who looks after them in the day.

Mine were in childcare from 5 months I worked full time great relationships with them as young adults always put the time in weekends nights with them holidays etc

It s the whole package not the day care alone

I think 2 days a week at the moment is a good idea as there's no other way to get them mixing with other babies and children. Nowhere to go except for a walk in the rain and that wears a bit thin.

I wouldn't put a child in nursery 8-6 every day but do realise some people have no choice. I think the balance is usually parents try to juggle it so maybe one works PT and the other works 4 days compressed, or family help out. I would say it's a minority of children who do 8-6 every day and I would say the ones who are in FT like that aren't usually in there because of money worries. It's usually parents who want to maintain a career. They then have decent cars, go on nice holidays. So on decent professional salaries.

I do agree there is a lot of sexism going on. For some reason it's OK for men to go back FT but the wife is expected to go PT or stay home.

I also agree you can't win as SAHM get a hard time on here too.

I think you've already decided anyway so just do what suits you best. I wonder if FIL is worried they will get roped in to help when baby is ill and you're stuck at work?

strawberriesatmypicnic what puts you off? I used a childminder as I didn't like the idea of so many babies all around the place! Too busy. Childminder was more chilled and like being at home.

My mum owned a nursery when I was young so I was in full time from about 4 months, as was my sister.

Yes it’s a long day but they will have nap times, play time, down times the same as home, except they also learn valuable skills, self confidence and get to play with other children.

Happy to report we were outgoing confident children with no problems being left at nursery, pre school, reception and school and are now fully functioning adults with a very close relationship to our parents.