To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Jesus Christ now reading some of the judgmental comments on this thread.

Is it so unbelievable that some of us could love our jobs as well as our kids and find a balance that works for us?

My daughter went to a childminder from 8am to 5.30pm. She’s not scarred from it and in fact had (and still has) a great relationship with her childminder. It was absolutely fine. Do what you want to do.

Nope not being unreasonable. My son went to a childminder from 3 months, and I didn't work. He was absolutely fine and is a very happy 3 year old, we have a strong bond.

Opinions are like arseholes, everyone has one but you only need to be concerned about your own.

@Mysillystory thank you, I needed that laugh!

@Slumpington a child in nursery from 08am to 6pm every weekday is not really a balance, is it

I struggled with this with mine. Everyone says you'll regret not having this time with him. But I needed to get back to some form of normality. He is in nursery full time since he was 18 months old. I do miss him but my sanity is better. He is absolutely flourishing and loves it. You need to make whatever decision suits you.

Also, yes, there are financial implications to working full time in between covering the qualifying period for the next maternity leave.

I don’t agree with the posters telling you to ignore the opinions and comments of others. Especially as it’s bothering you. What I do if someone makes comments on my choices which upset me is I have a think about whether they have a valid point, whether they have good intentions, what their motivations may be, and most importantly why the comments have upset me. Do I think that a little bit too and am annoyed at having it aired? Am I trying to ignore my real feelings etc?

Once I have unpicked it all, if I do think a concern is valid I then I try to fix it in the best way for me, how would I make myself feel more happy with the decision? If I don’t think the comment is fair then I formulate an appropriate response and challenge to the person so that the next time I am armed and protected. I also then stop feeling upset by it because I know I have nothing to be upset by as I know I’m doing the right thing and am at peace with my decision.

Good luck. I hope you feel better about it all soon.

a child in nursery from 08am to 6pm every weekday is not really a balance, is it

Is it not?

By my calculations someone who works FT Monday to Friday, with 25 days a year of annual leave and bank holidays off, gets 138 days off over the course of the year.

That’s just under 40% of the year. 60/40 seems like a balance to me. Plus they’ll probably spend mornings and evenings with their child on the days they do work.

And OP is only talking about working FT for 3 months (until she goes on maternity again). If she doesn’t, she will presumably receive less in mat pay. Seems pretty sensible to try working FT at this point, then she can make an informed decision about the hours she wants to work when she returns from her second mat leave.

Mum guilt is brutal. My DD went to nursery at 12months, usually 7.45-5.30 4 days a week. She did that until lockdown (but which time she was 3.5). She didn’t love nursery (which caused me so so much guilt and stress), as did all the articles saying how much it would damage her.

Honestly, she’s now 4.5 and the most balanced, kind, secure and lovely child. It didn’t hurt her at all. In my view, a stable, loving home life offsets some of the challenges you all face from children going to nursery. I work full time (as does my husband) and value providing her with a strong female role model. Plus nursery developed her in so many ways that I couldn’t. Your DF should have known better (mine also constantly guilt tripped me). Write all the best arguments from this thread down in your own words and be armed for the next conversation. X

as long as its agood child care setting -preferably with long term staffing (so db can get a good attachment with his key workers)
where when you walk in & look at the other dc they are happy & cared for & safe & you FEEL a good vibe
where they communicate freely with you & listen to your concerns
where they do plenty of ongoing training (more than required & show evidence of this)
where the place has a lived in but clean & comfortable feeling
& db is happy & has continuity of care & is loved

Your baby will leave leave the house when it’s dark outside and return to the house when it’s dark outside. They’ll think the nursery is their home.

Do people not discuss issues like this BEFORE going ahead with pregnancies????
It's basic common sense - "how will i manage both career and parenthood and the impact on the finances?"
Or is it just a case "i want a baby cos i have a 'right'?"

The 8 month old will be 'fine' with strangers spending 90% of his waking hours with him.....what choice do kids in these situations actually have???

It is so so so so nobody's business but you husband's and yours. I honestly can't believe people actually comment on people's childcare choices.

@ThatDoesntBelongInAIBU

Your baby will leave leave the house when it’s dark outside and return to the house when it’s dark outside. They’ll think the nursery is their home.

Ha you haven’t put much thought into that comment. But I’ll respond anyway.

In the UK May - September is not dark at 8am and it’s not dark at 6pm. It’s a new train of thought that luminance = location.

@Starseed2021

Do people not discuss issues like this BEFORE going ahead with pregnancies???? It's basic common sense - "how will i manage both career and parenthood and the impact on the finances?" Or is it just a case "i want a baby cos i have a 'right'?"

The 8 month old will be 'fine' with strangers spending 90% of his waking hours with him.....what choice do kids in these situations actually have???

Erm. Yes this was always the plan, it’s only now other people are chucking their beaks in..

Ah, yeah good idea I’ll go ask the baby what he want brb.

They’ll think the nursery is their home.

No. No they won't.

I don’t mean this thread people chucking their beaks in, I actively wanted these opinions. I meant my family.

OP you need to ignore any off comments. You’re doing what’s right for you and your family.
You said he went in happy and enjoyed it that’s so good ! He will be having w great time

Oh fgs
I was cm for over 16 years &qualified NVQ 3 amongst other voluntary training
I looked after dc whose parent commuted & in those days maternity leave was much shorter
The younger a dc starts nursery the easier they adapt as their normal & they were very aware of difference from my home to their real home & dm & whilst I loved & was loved by dc - their first love was always their parents & the parents & I worked together & communicated
It did not harm them & now very grown up & some with dc I can say they are stable & happy people

@ThatDoesntBelongInAIBU

Your baby will leave leave the house when it’s dark outside and return to the house when it’s dark outside. They’ll think the nursery is their home.

So in Scandinavia children believe they live at nursery, pre-school and school all winter? Or is it only children born in the UK who base where they live on the amount of daylight?

I wouldn't. There's lots of data that it's detrimental before 2, neutral at 2 and beneficial at 3. Small babies need to form secure attachment to their caregivers. If you can avoid doing 5 full days I would.

Or for a young baby I'd go for a nanny.

I think you’re post about misogyny is on the right track, it’s surprising, I haven’t read a comment yet berating DP for missing out on so much for working since he was 6 weeks old

Well, quite. What hope is there is there of closing the gender pay gap when so many women themselves insist it is wrong/selfish/pointless for women to want a career equal to a man's and want to have a family as well.

Father goes to work = great provider, good work ethic, fine example.
Mother goes to work - selfish, evil, doesn't deserve a baby.

I think sending a baby as young as 8 months for 2 full days a week to nursery in the middle of a pandemic when you are at home on maternity leave is not fair play really. But there are people doing a lot worse