To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

I'm a single working parent who has no choice but to put my DD in nursery 5 days a week 8am to 5.30pm.. Its only now I don't feel bad when I get daily updates with photos of her smiling her face off.
It's your child and your choice x

I've worked in day nurseries and my eldest two went to one part time, three days a week. I always felt really sorry for the babies and children there all day everyday. However my eldest is now 19, and lots of the children he knew from full time nursery are great kids, doing really well at uni and happy. I honestly think it's down to the individual. A friend of mine was not maternal at all and sent her son full time. The weekends were spent totally focused on their son and he's lovely, doing well at uni. The only thing I'd say is please don't send him when he's ill or if the nursery call you to collect him when he's poorly, please do straight away. I remember lots of situations where really sick kids were brought in dosed up on calpol. After a few hours they'd be really ill, we'd call the parents and they wouldn't come as they were too busy at work. That always broke my heart. Day nurseries are great but not at all suitable for ill children. It's your choice OP, do what's best for you and your family and ignore the comments.

I'm not sure what the point of this thread is if you've already made up your mind and are so confident in your decision.

But to answer your question, I think YABVU and will regret it later in life. I don't think many people look back on their life and think "I wish I had spent more time at work and less time with my children." Quite the opposite.

Absolutely, go for it!!! About once a fortnight I have a day when my son is at nursery and I’m not working, it’s bliss. I could keep him off that day, but he loves nursery and I’d be keeping him home for thats sake of ‘mum guilt’, I wouldn’t get my life admin done and generally would be more stressed. In non-Covid times I probably would keep him home more as I could take him to toddler groups etc, but at the moment that’s just not possible. I’m also assuming that by going back full time you will be entitled to better maternity pay when you next go on mat leave, seems there are a lot of benefits to what you have suggested!

People saying it is a long day - you know they are not sat at a desk working from 8-6? They are playing, napping, listening to stories. It's like manna from heaven for kids.

I sent both of mine full time from 1yr old. Now 4 &5 and apart from the 70k spent in nursery fees, it has been completed fine. They loved it. And the current pre school is on a farm. I swear she would rather be there than at home.

Don't regret it. Kids don't even remember is now really.

I think putting your DS into nursery 2 days a week to allow him to socialise is a great idea. I'm very introverted and find it hard to make friends, so it was important to me my DC learned how to socialise well. Nursery gave her that, and we didn't even have the pandemic and no other interaction to contend with.

On full time nursery, my DD went into nursery 8-5 at months old, as I simply couldn't afford not to go back. She absolutely loved it, and had a lovely little group of friends and a real bond with her key worker, who we still talk to now. Me and DP hated it though. The cost, the dashing about to ensure one of us picked her up on time, the guilt when she was one of the first and last ones there. We decided after a year that my DP would stay home, allowing me to progress my earnings to cover the loss of an income (offset by saving £1k+ in fees per month) and giving us much more flexibility. DD went in 2 afternoons a week to get the social factor, and was very happy to spend more time with at least 1 of her parents.

I don't regret putting her in the nursery full time, even if we did decide in the end that it wasn't for us. She has friends at school now who have known her since they were both tiny, and is incredibly comfortable in any kind of social setting due to being in that environment from a young age.

I don't think anyone can say what is right or wrong for you and your family. If your DC is happy in the nursery, and you're happy with what you're doing, then that's the right thing to do. You've got the ideal trial period of 4 or so months before your maternity to see how everyone feels.

We are about to do the same OP. I went back to work after 8 weeks and my husband is the stay at home parent. However, we have decided to send our daughter to nursery, initially for 2 days a week even though my husband does not have a job (his employer went bust just before the baby was born, but the plan was always for him to be the primary carer). He will use that time to job hunt or work on a business idea he has. We will then move up to 5 days a week when my husband goes back to work.

My husband needs a break from the day to day routine, our ideas of going to visit family, go on days out etc throughout the year obviously haven't happened. Our daughter needs some interaction with other children which she will not get at home. She is older than yours, 14 months, but the only reason she has not started yet is that I am clinically vulnerable and my husband is super anxious about COVID being brought into the house, otherwise she would have started at about 10 months.

Nothing wrong with loving your job and wanting to carry it on. Personally I think that it is good modelling for children, showing that a mother can still have a successful career.

If i had one 8 month old baby i wouldn't be putting him in childcare for 2 days a week while i was on mat leave. I wouldn't have a second child if i was struggling that much with the first one that i needed two full days off a week from him. Obviously you do you, but as you asked i wouldn't put a baby in full time childcare.

I’m also assuming that by going back full time you will be entitled to better maternity pay when you next go on mat leave, seems there are a lot of benefits to what you have suggested!

I think this is a very valid consideration. If I’ve understood correctly you will be putting your DS in nursery FT and returning to work from when he’s one, then you’ll be going off on maternity leave when he’s 15 months. So we’re talking about working FT for 3 months? Obviously it depends on your mat package, what you earn and the cost of nursery, but on the face of it it seems to me you’d have to be a complete idiot to do yourself out of any amount of enhanced maternity pay for the sake of not working FT for 12 weeks!

Totally agree with @namechangetheworld
Of course it's your decision and everyone's circumstances are different. 2 days, fair enough but personally there is absolutely no way I'd send my baby to nursery 5 full days a week x

Ultimately you have to do what is best for you, your baby and your family. If that means full time nursery then that's what it'll have to be. There will always be annual leave etc.
My new DD3 (not yet born!) will be starting nursery at 4.5 months for 2 days per week and then be with me, DH or family for the other 3 weekdays depending on work patterns. I'm not overly pleased about it, but it'll be for the best in the long run. Key is making sure you are really happy and comfortable with the nursery setting, and that your kids are too. Stuff anyone else who tries to make you feel bad about your family decisions!

You sound very career orientated. Why would you get pregnant so soon after your first if you just want to dive back into work?

All these people saying they'd never do what OP's planning and how they know so many people who regret it...

But how many threads on here are there with women complaining about their lot in life: no money, financially abusive husband, no job prospects or only able to find low-paid work having given up their career, resenting being a mother and feeling like that's their only worth, no money to do as they please without having to rely on a man.

There is more to life than spending every waking hour with a baby.

It's not something most mothers could or would want to do. He's just a baby, don't you want to spend time with him? Also the whole point of maternity leave is to bond with your baby and spend time with them not ship them off to spend full days in a baby room. I could never have done this and don't know anyone irl who has. At the end of the day though its your choice and if makes you happy, go for it.

@StarsShiningUpAboveYou

You sound very career orientated. Why would you get pregnant so soon after your first if you just want to dive back into work?

People can love their children and their careers and want both. Not a crime.

Perhaps OP and her DH are getting older and/or want a smaller age gap?

Perhaps any other number of reasons that I'm sure don't mean she just wants to dump her kids off as soon as possible?

@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam I don’t need two full days off from him, you haven’t read my responses, one is a KIT WORK day. The other is to catch up, life admin, house work, uni work, odd jobs you can’t get done with a baby. I’m not talking sliding onto the sofa with my quilt and stuffing my face. So that’s ten days in one whole year.. not what id call hardly there but of course, each to their own.

And yes, as someone else said already, the misogyny on this thread is quite staggering.

As if any more of that is needed when it comes to women of childbearing age trying to have and maintain a career...

@SofiaMichelle You have absolutely hit the nail on the head.

Sorry I voted YABU.... you will never again get the time back. Ever. Just my opinion as a mum with teens who would love that time again. They'd win over work every time if I could do it all again.

You're not being unreasonable at all, you're making the choice which allows you to be happiest, which will in turn be the choice which makes you the best parent.

I do however think you should stop entertaining other opinions, both from mumsnet and your friends/ family. The only views that matter here are those of your direct nuclear family.

[quote FTEngineerM]@ShesMadeATwatOfMePam I don’t need two full days off from him, you haven’t read my responses, one is a KIT WORK day. The other is to catch up, life admin, house work, uni work, odd jobs you can’t get done with a baby. I’m not talking sliding onto the sofa with my quilt and stuffing my face. So that’s ten days in one whole year.. not what id call hardly there but of course, each to their own.[/quote]
OP if you want to use some of that non-KIT day to sit on the couch stuffing your face then go for it! We all need some downtime.

If you would have asked when mine were little I'd have said YANBU. I did the same thing! Regret it though. But we needed the money so needs must.

An unequivocal and absolute YANBU from me. My littlest was in full time from 6 months and is thriving. I love my job and take enormous pride in what I’ve achieved so far.

And if I’d taken a back seat when my eldest was born id have been well and truly fucked when I split from her dad.

Do what works for you, which should take your child’s needs into account but yours (and your ongoing financial security and independence) are important as well

@SimonJT I think you’re post about misogyny is on the right track, it’s surprising, I haven’t read a comment yet berating DP for missing out on so much for working since he was 6 weeks old. I’m glad you haven’t noticed a difference in sending your DCs.

I can’t remember the PPs name but I certainly don’t find my child an inconvenience or irritating.. anything I’ve said on this thread hasn’t displayed that either. The whole point of maternity leave is so that parents can take time out with their child THEN return to work. That’s the point. Otherwise it wouldn’t be geared with an end date/KIT days.

There’s a decent majority of NBU.

@PlanDeRaccordement I like your setup, thanks for sharing. Will discuss with DP.

If your happy with it then that's up to you. Don't underestimate how much you'll miss them though, I wouldn't go back to work full time until they're a bit older tbh.
But yeah it's nothing to do with your dad!