To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Great thread for misogynist bingo.

YABU to use childcare when on maternity leave - it's what your mat leave is for!

Once you are back at work, then that's normal and fine. But weird to use nursery for 3 months on mat leave, you will be judged on that for sure, it's odd to not want to spend all the time you have with your baby whilst you can. Settling them in is one thing, but this is strange.

I did this - at the time I didn't get much paid maternity so DD1 went to a childminder 8am to 5pm from 16 weeks and then to nursery from 8am to 5pm 5 days a week from 8 months.
She got loads of interaction, play and fun, I got adult conversation and could then spend quality time with her on weekends and holidays - for me best of both worlds.
And for a long term view - she's now 22 and a well adjusted graduate (at home due to the pandemic and great fun to be with)
Do what's right for you - my PIL were outraged (and I still think they haven't quite got over it) but not their baby

Hi @FTEngineerM, I’m going back to work full time in a month when DD is 10 months. She will be in nursery full time. For us, I need to work full time for money. We really need to move from a flat to a house for more room so need my salary. Also, I want to be able to provide for her and not have to scrimp and save.

The nursery is lovely, she will be able to socialise and develop and grow.

OP, I don't think it will make the slightest bit of difference whether your eldest goes into full time nursery care for a few months before you go off on maternity leave again. I'd do it to make sure your second mat leave is on full pay. You'll then have some time to think about the long term.

FWIW (not at all saying this would work for your set up) when I went back I worked 4 days per week and we had a nanny 3 days with 1 day nursery. That didn't work well as I think 1 day in nursery is too little and my eldest didn't really get on well with nursery anyway. After no. 2 was born I had 3 days nanny, 2 of which were with both of them and the eldest had 2 days nursery which was better. Sadly our nanny had a serious illness when youngest was 2 and eldest was in reception. Youngest moved to 3 days nursery and my husband and I both did 4 day weeks. That worked really well with after school provision and some babysitting/in law help for eldest. My husband says he wishes he had dropped to 4 days earlier (particularly as I am the higher earner).

Both are now at school and the pandemic has rather messed it up but I was doing 4.5 days (I am self employed so not the same situation as you, but as a barrister so not terribly flexible) and my husband was doing 4 days (3 full and 2 half days). Worth discussing with your OH for the future, as unless it's financially non-viable, if you do want to increase parental time with the children, there's no reason why it should all be you.

Everyone is entitled to an opinion but I’m strongly an advocate for your child, your choice (along with your husband of course!). If it works for you all so be it. I would question how you’ll cope with a newborn and a toddler, if you need a day now child free?! Also the reaction to the new baby from dc1 and competing for your time.

My children are primary and older now. Only ever went to nursery 3 mornings a week. I was more than happy to put my career on hold. Being a mother met or exceeded my expectations. I would do it all again in a heartbeat. I loved all the creative, fun activities watching them grow and flourish. I’ve formed a childcare bubble enabling me to look after my god daughter (just turned 3). We certainly don’t miss toddler groups or soft play very happy to create our own fun and learning opportunities.

I thrived on having my children and continue to with my god daughter. If you aren’t one of these people poor mental health may arise. What’s right for one isn’t necessarily right for another.

@SimonJT

Great thread for misogynist bingo.

Quite.

Mine were in nursery 5 days a week from 7.30am - 6.30pm. Being able to maintain my career has meant that I can afford to send them both to private school, despite DH being out of work for the last 16 months.

For us, the benefit of me being able to continue on my career track and the income and security that's provided, more than outweighs the negatives of having them in long days at nursery when they were small. They are happy, healthy, well balanced children at 9 and 11, so I don't think it's caused any long term damage.

That is a heck of a long day for such a young child.
The early years are so essential to a child’s well-being and future “Attachment “

It basically boils down to what you are willing to sacrifice. The bottom line is that if you have your child in nursery you will miss out on things which you might not have if your child was at home. It's the harsh reality but that's how it is. Take away all the emotional talk you are getting and look at the pros and cons. This is something you can only unfortunately work out for yourself. 5 days a week is pretty full on, I don't think you realise how hard it will be on you both, nevermind all the nursery illnesses which children get in the beginning!

Personally, I think that is far too long a day for a baby to be in a care setting. When mine were little we divided and conquered and used a nanny.

In contrast to your DF, I would keep that opinion to myself, unless you asked.

But why have kid if you never see it?

This always gets trotted out on MN, and it’s been said countless times on this thread. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate what an utterly vicious thing it is to say. And so misogynistic because you wouldn’t even think of saying it to a man.

I honestly think anyone who thinks it’s an ok thing to say to another person is incredibly spiteful.

Forget mornings, evenings and the 138 days (37%) of the year you don’t work. They’re meaningless. You shouldn’t have bothered having a child.

There are many, many people who do this. In my home country ML is only 3 months, so a 3 month old going in for a full day is absolutely normal. In fact it's rare that there is a sahp. So if this is what you decided then do that.

Personally, i loved being home with my ds. He is 4.5yo now and FT at school (lockdown lifted). If I look back at the early times I am so glad I spent that with him. It went by in such a flash.
But I was happy to do that. We were fortunate to have a choice in that I could be home.

Op do what you feel is the best for your family.
There is no wrong or right solution.

You go girl! It's so hard especially in this pandemic. I have twins and if I could afford to send them - I 100% would! Happy mum. Happy kids! You. Do. You!

Going to throw in a major controversial opinion but again this is based on my experience - these kids that just love going to nursery/childminders usually love it so much because they're more attached to the people who are actually looking after them. Their favourite toys and favourite people aren't at home, they're at nursery. Personally I'd rather be the one that my child is most attached to, not a childminder.

Oh they can f*ck right off with their opinions. NOONE who hasn't done it can understand how hard it is raising a baby in a pandemic. If this is what you need to do, do it. I wish I had. My LO started nursery at 11 months and it's the most fun, most socialisation and best education she has had in her entire lockdown life. I should have sent her earlier! And I know plenty of mum's who couldnt take a year off for maternity so sent babies to nursery from 9 months. Those babies are fine!

@FTEngineerM

I have been where you are and I will try to give you the benefit of my experience FWIW now that my LO is 21.

Work was always important to me, I always wanted my own financial independence and always needed more than just being a SAHM (in reality I could not afford to give up work fully but that wasn't my driving force.

My DS went to a private CM who actually treated him like a grandson so that helped and made me comfortable but in all honesty it was a cheaper option than a nursery 20 years ago.

Looking back now for my career it was absolutely the right choice, I am not loaded but am financially comfortable enough and part own the company I started at when he was 9 mnths old. I still love my role and the company and can't imagine not being there, they are sort of like a separate family to me in some ways.

For my DS, I do honestly have some regrets, I regret not taking enough time out with him and being there for him at all his school events (the company wasn't very progressive but is now), missing assemblies, coffee mornings, not having play dates and him not being able to come home after school and just chill but me picking him up from chidminders after work and coming home rushing tea, homework etc.

I think unless you have grown up children then its difficult to understand that those lost moments you won't get back. I think if you work full time and you have DC's you are in danger of constantly feeling like there is not enough of you to go around or your not quite giving enough at work or home because it is hard and you do have to negotiate what time you can give to both.

Interesting enough though when I talk to my DS about it and any regrets I may have, he actually feels very differently about it. He feels that I set a good example of how if you work you will achieve, be it holidays, promotion etc. He doesn't see it as time lost because he never knew me as a SAHM so didn't have a comparison. He had friends in childminders/nursery and after school clubs so didn't get what I meant about the playdates thing. He feels that he had a happy childhood and I was there when it counted and he always knows I love him.

I have friends who chose to be SAHM and some regret it and the position it has put them in and I know some who have loved it and wouldn't have it any other way. I know people like me who chose to go back to work and those that didn't have the choice and again it is an even split of those who feel they should have stayed at home more and those that feel that it would have been far more damaging to their DC if they had because they would have had low self esteem or poor mental health if stuck at home all day without getting a break.

I think there are no right or wrong I think you have to do what you have to do either for financial reasons or for your own self worth and that is different for everyone.

Telling women or parents generally that their children will be damaged or they are neglecting them if they return to work is awful because what is that telling those who have no choice?

Only you know how you are feeling and what is right for your family and the decision has to be yours.

You aren't unreasonable at all. You need to what is best for you and your family and no-one else knows what that is or has a right to judge you for what you decide to do.
You can love your children and enjoy working, and let's be clear becoming a parent changes so much of who you are. Everything (rightly so) becomes about your children. You are allowed to have one area of your life just for you - I think it is crucial for your well being.

As people have said above, it's funny how mothers are still expected to sacrifice everything and fathers still get critical acclaim for being an equally involved parent.

It is SO tough being home with children every day especially at the moment, if your little one is happy and enjoying nursery and you are happy why not? They get a load of stimulation at nursery that they don't get at home. Just do what works for you and ignore any negative comments you hear.

People will make comments, it's none of their business and their opinions do not matter. YOURS does/.

Wishing you good luck with the pregnancy, take it easy and be kind to yourself x

I had a lockdown baby , and I wouldn’t dream of putting my very young baby into childcare so I could “have a break” you are on maternity leave the purpose of it is to care for your baby.

And for yourself... No wonder so many women suffer with PND if people only see maternity leave as caring only for baby.

I remember being pregnant with a toddler and my second pregnancy was worse in a different way than the first so those days that my oldest was in nursery was amazing. I had nausea and vomiting up until birth. Just being in a car made me feel ill. Then with the birth of my second, I had stitches and it took me ten days to be able to actually walk far enough to pick my oldest from nursery (10 min walk away) and was going to the hospital for blood transfusions due to blood loss during birth. Nursery was a lifesaver especially once my husband was off paternity leave.

OP, it's not weird at all and I think it's about finding a balance that works for your family, we all have different circumstances and shame on everyone judging your (others') decision.

I only ever knew parenting during the pandemic as DS was born right before the very first lockdown so have no comparison pre-pandemic but I certainly could have done with him going to nursery for a couple of days a week from about 6 months as I often felt I was loosing my mind with the monotony, so I totally get you. DS has had a nursery place reserved from 10 months old for two full days but now I'm on furlough following my mat leave and we just can't afford him to start :(

I say you go for it and as long as you, DS and DH is happy with the situation, that's all that matters! Ignore the negative comments. SAHM is certainly not the only way to make a good parent.

I put DS1 into nursery from 10m because I was trying to return to supply teaching. Having been off the casual supply scene for some time, work was not forthcoming and so I used the day to have a bit of headspace and do chores without interruption.
No family support, no babysitting. There is no shame in formally outsourcing something that people have always done naturally within their existing relationships.

This year in particular when both formal and informal interactions have been so tightly curtailed, the benefits of nursery are greater than ever. It fills the gap of the benefits of doing parent and baby activities. It's never been normality for the majority of people to be restricted soley to their own household.

Good for you! Me personally couldn’t think of anything worse than being a stay at home mum. You have worked hard for your career. Nursery is a positive!

Whatever you think about the situation, any anecdotal advice along the lines of ‘I went though such-and such an experience as a child and turned out fine’ is completely useless and of no help to anyone.

@Karmakarmachameleon

But why have kid if you never see it?

This always gets trotted out on MN, and it’s been said countless times on this thread. I don’t think it’s possible to overstate what an utterly vicious thing it is to say. And so misogynistic because you wouldn’t even think of saying it to a man.

I honestly think anyone who thinks it’s an ok thing to say to another person is incredibly spiteful.

Forget mornings, evenings and the 138 days (37%) of the year you don’t work. They’re meaningless. You shouldn’t have bothered having a child.

This.

My Husband worked away/long hours a lot when ours were little. His mother and father were also extremely ill/dying, so the majority of the time he wasn’t working was spent staying with them. He regrets it now. One of his colleagues who had older children spoke to him about about it and said he also really regretted the long hours he did when his were young.

My parents both worked long hours from when I was a baby and I must say I had a not very happy and lonely childhood. I do have resentments towards them now. Especially since having my own children. I find it hard to understand the choice to work so much when it wasn’t essential.

Obviously it’s your choice but I wouldn’t make it and I’d be worried that like my H, someone may have regrets later. Perhaps the comments you are getting are just trying to alert you to that possibility and make sure you are sure?