To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Do what is right for you and your family. Whether or not I have done/would do the same thing is of absolutely no consequence. Whatever you decide, the arrangement is not set in stone and can be changed as the situation changes.

I was having a conversation with my dad yesterday as we're sending our daughter to a childminder from next week when I return to work, and she's only 5 months.

He said 'why are you trying to justify it? Do what you need to do' and I explained that women especially are judged for not going part time/returning to work etc and he looked at me like I had lost the plot.

He then proceeded to lay into me because I said we were thinking about getting a cleaner once a fortnight... apparently we 'both need to stop being so lazy!'

Some of the comments on this thread are shocking. I'm amazed some people are being so harsh.

I'm sure there have been other threads like this which have gone totally the other way.

There also loads of threads from SAHMs who feel judged!

Seem a lot of people just really like to criticise other people's perfectly normal and reasonable life choices.

To add, nothing wrong with sending your baby in for a couple of days whilst you are on Mat leave. It's sensible to settle them in whilst they are young - it gets harder the older they get

[quote MotherExtraordinaire]@FTEngineerM
Your father is a different generation. They didn't have the same options as we have now.
It’s assumed that I curtail my career that I’m passionate about when him and other who have commented didn’t do that themselves.
You're a mother and presumably others also expect that you'd feel a strong maternal love and WANT to be with your child and be instrumental to their early years.
Personally, I struggle to comprehend why you'd ever bother to have a child and then be pregnant with a second when you so clearly obviously find them an irritation and inconvenience to your precious career. What on earth motivates women especially to do this. Let alone thinking that it's perfectly acceptable to put into full-time for longer hours than many adults work in their jobs!
Whatever happened to selfless parenting and putting our children first?

I agree wholeheartedly with your father.[/quote]
What a revolting post.

Haven’t voted because it’s none of my business and it doesn’t matter what I or anyone else thinks about your childcare. You must do what works for your family.

That is a point actually - DS was a crap sleeper and I'm not sure I would have been safe to drive a 20 mile commute 5 days a week in The Times of Teething. On some of my days off I had to call family reinforcements and go back to bed!

2 days a week even whilst on maternity I don't see an issue with. Gives your baby a chance to meet other children which they haven't been able to do as normal due to lockdown etc.

5 days a week, I personally wouldn't do! And fortunately haven't had to do, even when worked full time in 4/6 month blocks, as dp has always had a day off in the week with dd and had 2 days with grandparents and 2 days child minders. But I have since consciously made the decision to work part time and manage finances accordingly which is a luxury many don't have.

But you do you.

Look, if you ask strangers on the internet you'll always get a mixed response. It's an emotive topic. Do what is right for you and your family. Only thing I would say is that my DC were absolutely knackered by 6 and were usually asleep by 6.30 regardless of napping. You might find he is very tired and grumpy, but you'll all cope.

I went back to work after 6months full time. My child was fine. It’s hard whatever age you do it (I had a lot longer at home with my subsequent children) but really it’s ok. Just go for it!

I had unhelpful comments when I was organising going back to work when DD was 6 months old. I couldn't give up work, we needed the wage and I wasn't really cut out to be a SAHM any way.

The worst comments about her missing me or me missing her developmental stages or just me sending her away came from my newly retired parents who, incidentally, took every opportunity to tell me and others that they hadn't retired to be childcare for their grandchild. I hadn't asked or expected them too but it was clear that DH and I were on our own in terms of looking after our child(ren) so nobody else's opinion really mattered.

8 - 6 May be long days. But babies and children do get used to it. They spend all day playing and being with other children which seems like a good idea when they haven't been able to interact due to the pandemic. If you and your partner can afford the nursery costs and you won't be struggling time wise to make the drop off and pick up then I don't see why you can't do it.

Also, when you do go on maternity leave with #2 I wouldn't pull #1 out of nursery entirely. Firstly because it might be difficult to get the space back later. But secondly having 1 or 2 days a week when it's just you and the baby can make things easier.

I know some people were taken aback that we kept DD in nursery 3 days a week when I had DS but I needed those days. I had to take him to weekly hospital appointments, and it gave me time to try and sleep when he slept during the day as he didn't sleep much at night. And DD kept her own wee bit of normality and her own world going too.

But essentially sending your child to nursery full time for full days isn't damaging. Treating your child badly on the other days and evenings is damaging.

Can't see the point of a child if it's going go be put in nursery nearly all waking hours. Sometimes it's a necessity. If it isn't YABVU.

@BillieSpain

Your baby and so you and DH's decision.

I would never, ever do this and could not live with myself. It is a ridiculously long day for a baby and you say you are on maternity leave? You basically don't see your baby and are having another. I really don't understand this situation.

When you decide to have a child you have to give up something, it's life. You don't get someone else to just deal.

I hope to God it's a good nursery. I walked in and straight out of most (when DD was 3 and going to be doing 2 hours a day)

Only on MN would someone kill themselves if they had to send their child to nursery.

I like the added suggestion at the end that it will be a shit nursery.

My son went to nursery full time from 1 year old. Lots of other children I know did the same. And he’s thrived.

FWIW OP, I didn’t find MN a very helpful place at all for advice on this subject when I was making this decision. It made me feel like a monster. I found RL ‘mum friends’ much more helpful. I appreciate it’s been hard for you to make ‘mum friends’ because of the pandemic so you don’t have that same frame of reference. But that fact is that women who have qualifications and careers are underrepresented on MN and SAHMs are overrepresented. Mothers who have careers generally don’t have as much time to spend on Internet forums so they will be underrepresented here.

I know I’ll get jumped on by someone who says ‘I was a CEO earning £250k and I gave it all up because I LOVE MY KIDS and I WOULDNT HAVE BOTHERED HAVING THEM and I PUT MY FAMILY FIRST’ but I’m talking about general trends of representation.

In the real world, my experience was that most women have to work and lots of women have worked hard at their careers and enjoy them, and that’s fine. In my NCT group we had a doctor, a solicitor, a surveyor, and a head of marketing amongst others. Nearly everyone went back to work FT or 4 days, apart from one mum who went back 3 days for the first six months then went up to 5 days. And all the children go to nursery.

You basically don't see your baby and are having another

I’m confused, have you read my PPs? There are 168 hours in a week and this week for the first time ever at 8m old he spent (what turned out to be) 19 of them in a nursery. How is that basically not seeing?

I'm not suggesting you will treat your chuld badly! But just that us8ng childcare while you work isn't damaging.

Nursery is good for a child - builds social skills and expands their world. In this lockdown situation it's hugely beneficial for both the child and parents. Let go of any guilt - it's misplaced. You're providing a stimulating and caring environment. Just because you're a mother you don't have to be a martyr.

Funny how it's always some male misogynist with a critical opinion.

My parents both worked FT from the time I was a few months old, and we're still very close, there were no bonding issues as far as I know, and we still talk (via phone/Zoom) a couple of times a week.

I worked FT when my oldest was little (from 7 months), but switched to PT when my 2nd was born for a few years (now FT again). It was hard at the time, but allowed me to carry on in the profession I'm in, and again no bonding issues to my knowledge.

It depends on the family - as long as the kids know you're there for them if they need you, there really isn't an issue, you just choose what works out best.

Obviously your child will be fine (or excel above all others to reach god-like levels of bubbliness according to many pps) in this level of childcare. Children are shockingly adaptable and there are so many ways to raise a child.

But why have kid if you never see it?

@FTEngineerM

You basically don't see your baby and are having another

I’m confused, have you read my PPs? There are 168 hours in a week and this week for the first time ever at 8m old he spent (what turned out to be) 19 of them in a nursery. How is that basically not seeing?

Do none of you sleep?

YANBU to send your kid to nursery but that’s a poor argument to be fair.

Only on mumsnet would someone say they would kill themselves if they sent their child to nursery

1. I did not say I would kill myself, how fucking ridiculous
2. I sent my child to nursery
3. The OP asked for opinion
4. I indeed hope it is a good nursery as the baby is there every waking hour.

@BillieSpain

Only on mumsnet would someone say they would kill themselves if they sent their child to nursery

1. I did not say I would kill myself, how fucking ridiculous
2. I sent my child to nursery
3. The OP asked for opinion
4. I indeed hope it is a good nursery as the baby is there every waking hour.

You literally said you couldn’t live with yourself, do you not know what that means?

Why do you think OPs baby will be at nursery 24 hours a day seven days a week?

@FTEngineerM
wonder if those saying they wouldn’t want a maximum of 10 hours a week to catch a small breath and get housework/whatever done had their baby during a pandemic where you literally couldn’t see family, you can’t go out for coffee/meals/walks with friends. No baby groups or classes. No day trips. No shopping trips. Just the same few walks around your home and that’s it.
I had a lockdown baby , and I wouldn’t dream of putting my very young baby into childcare so I could “have a break” you are on maternity leave the purpose of it is to care for your baby.

@FTEngineerM why did you get pregnant again when you don’t want to spend hardly any time with the baby you have?

I'm not going to tell you that you're wrong because it's entirely up to you what you do and how you do it.
You might change your mind anyway when it comes to leaving him FT, you might not.

But I will tell you that one of my first "experiences" of this was a lady I worked with who came back after her 6m mat leave (was a while ago!) and put her baby into FT childcare. Fine, all good, enjoyed working etc. - BUT when it came to her second baby, she left FT work because she felt she had missed out on so much with no.1 and didn't want to do it again with no.2.

So I would take it as it comes - if it feels fine, then carry on - if it feels like you are missing out, then drop to PT or make another decision that suits you better.

Don't let ANYONE guilt you into doing something that YOU are not happy with.