To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Sending your child away to childcare when you are at home anyway on maternity leave is ridiculous.

If you want to work more than see your new child, that is your business and nobody else's opinion should matter. I went back to work after 6 months as the country we were living in didn't have maternity leave. I regretted it ever since. When dd was 1 we left and DH quit work to look after her until she went to school.

Mine went to nursery full time at 9 months, when I returned to work full time. He's over two now and perfectly happy.

Do I miss him during the day? A lot.
Do I feel guilty? Not at all. This is the right set up for us. I am not sending him to work or to prison or to do something he doesn't enjoy.
Have people suggested I should resign or work part-time? Yes, and the suggestion didn't make me feel guilty. It made me feel very angry that it was directed to me and not to my other half.

It's utterly ridiculous society thinks mothers should focus on children and fathers to work. I totally don't want to pass the message to my little one that his mother stopped working as women should stay at home and man should bring the money in. We are perfectly happy as we are, thank you very much.

I wouldn't put a 1yr old into nursery for 60 hours per week, but this is your life, your child. No one else's business but yours.

Funny how no one bats an eyelid about a father working full time, yet you are the one that gets judged

Not RTFT but this!

@KyraGoose

I had this same concern and decided to quit my job. I really regret it.

Exactly.

People saying "oh I couldn't do it" and telling OP that she knows it's wrong and that she shouldn't do it will be the same people posting on MN in years to come that they can't afford to LTB because they threw away their career and don't have a pot to piss in without their husband's salary.

OP, there's nothing wrong with doing what you're suggesting. Lots of us have done similar.

I was back at work full time when DD was 6-months and we used a nursery. No problem at all for us or DD.

@FTEngineerM
Your father is a different generation. They didn't have the same options as we have now.
It’s assumed that I curtail my career that I’m passionate about when him and other who have commented didn’t do that themselves.
You're a mother and presumably others also expect that you'd feel a strong maternal love and WANT to be with your child and be instrumental to their early years.
Personally, I struggle to comprehend why you'd ever bother to have a child and then be pregnant with a second when you so clearly obviously find them an irritation and inconvenience to your precious career. What on earth motivates women especially to do this. Let alone thinking that it's perfectly acceptable to put into full-time for longer hours than many adults work in their jobs!
Whatever happened to selfless parenting and putting our children first?

I agree wholeheartedly with your father.

OP no one should have any say in how you choose to parent your child and live your own life, you make your own choices in that regard so put him in nursery if that's what works for you!

My dad had similar strong feelings when I mentioned putting my DS in nursery, but I adjusted my work days so we only needed nursery 2 days a week, 8-5.30, and family have him another 2 days. But DS was at least 1 and closer to 1.5 when he was going regularly (it closed during the first lockdown) and he is exhausted after a busy day of activities and a shorter nap than usual, and personally I think he would struggle with 5 days a week there.

The days he's a nursery I really miss him, and only see him for an hour in the evening until he goes to bed. So take that into consideration too, you won't know how you feel till you do it.

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

How dramatic. Of course she's not.

OP, you need to do what works for your family. It isn't anyone else's business. People, including your hypocrite of a father, need to stop guilt-tripping. YANBU.

Do whatever you need to do. Don’t kid yourself that there’s not a downside- there is- young babies can really miss their parents. But many of us do this and it’s part of life. My children go to childcare too.

If it was me, I’d try and do slightly shorter days while he’s so young and increase when he’s settled in.

Also be aware that they catch every bug going round at nursery, particularly if they haven’t been exposed much yet, so getting a few of them before you start work is probably a good idea! But be prepared to miss out on your kit and day off, as it happens a lot.

As there are no playgroups, he’ll get a lot out of nursery too- it’s valuable playing and socialising opportunities.

@Candyfloss99

Sending your child away to childcare when you are at home anyway on maternity leave is ridiculous.

Not really. It’s smart to send them in for a trial period to first phase them from a few hours to all day to get them used to being separated from you. It also means you can instantly pull them out if the first nursery you chose ends up being a bad fit and you need to find a different one. That happened to me. The first nursery was highly rated, I had done the research, the tour, interviewed the manager...because it was my PFB. And when I started the phasing in/trial period, my DC#1 just would not settle. I gave it 5 attempts and then moved on the nursery B which proved to be a better fit for him and his later siblings.

In addition, when you have a newborn and preschool toddlers running around, a couple days where they get to socialise and not be restricted by the newborns needs is a welcome break for you AND your older child(ren). It also holds your nursery places for when you do return to work. Which for me was 10-11 weeks after each birth. The way waiting lists are, you cannot realistically pull your 1-2-3yr old from nursery to be home while you are in maternity leave and then expect there to be 1-3 slots available 11weeks later!

You are not married. See the threads currently running about marriage. What your DP earns is irrelevant - he has no financial obligation to you legally. He’s your flat mate. This is the slippery slope. You are guilted into dropping hours. You earn less/don’t get promoted/reduced pension. DP carries on as normal. In 10 years time you split. You suffer financially. There’s no divorce to give you more house equity/part of his pension etc to recognise your sacrifice.

Personally I think YANBU. You have to do what works for your family, but everyone will have a different opinion on this so my best advice is don't invite the opinions if you don't want to hear them.

I returned to work in January 4 days per week, DD goes to nursery 9-5 and loves it. She started in November so did 2 days per week for 2 months before I went back to work. Having a baby in a pandemic with no access to support, family living in a different country is incredibly isolating and overwhelming, I needed those two days for my mental health. I also found the transition back to work a LOT easier knowing she was already settled in nursery.

I find it funny how your dad thinks you should quit a job you clearly love but presumably doesnt have the same thought about your husband and his job?

Do what you feel is right, don't pay attention to other people's thoughts.

I love my Dad, he’s a wonderful man and a wonderful father and grandfather. But he’s got some funny ideas about mothering and we’ve locked horns on my working (and studying) several times since I became a mother myself and my priorities apparently being wrong. He thought that I should have been at home seven days a week all the time until my youngest started in Reception, as my Mum was... but with no regard for how times have changed since the eighties when they were having kids and that I’m not like my Mum in personality and temperament (I’m more like him- and he worked!) Of course when he has thrown his options into the ring about my children being in nursery and my working he never mentions his full time work during my childhood, nor my husbands full time, full on career.

Actually, what’s always made him backdown in these disagreements is my own Mum who firmly tells him that being at home all day with small children is NOT a piece of cake and that she probably only did it so willingly because she had kids younger than I did and had no career before (she went on to have a very successful career afterwards).

My Dad is a strong-minded guy and I never expect him to stop expressing his opinions, but me and my Mum smack him down when he starts (and he starts less and less these days because he has- eventually- made some effort to see things from my point of view).

Don’t feel guilty. Your children, your family and your life. As long as you, your child(ren) and their father are happy with what’s going on, that’s fine. And for what it’s worth, for various reasons my youngest started nursery younger than the others for various reasons, at a different nursery that had longer hours. She’s by far my most confident child and takes everything in her stride.... could he a coincidence, but I personally think it’s because of starting nursery at 8months old for longer days when I went back to work.

Keep your chin up. You can still love your Dad but roll your eyes and think he’s wrong about this.

Is dad getting all this bollocks? Thought not. You’re allowed childcare. So if people ie family think it’s too much maybe they could offer to help instead ? It’s good for babies and toddlers to be around others early on. It’s good for their development and helps to remove abandonment issues. It can be very healthy as long as the kids are happy. Is 8am to 6pm a lot? Yes, but what’s the alternative really?? If they are happy what’s the problem?? Mums always feel the pressure and guilt off this aspect of being a parent much more so than the dads. Don’t worry yourself. If it works for you it works for you. And if not, then there are two of you to come up with an alternative plan.

If you're happy with it OP then that's perfectly fine. If you did quit or go part time you'd equally get comments about that. You're damned if you do and damned if you don't. The world expects women to work like they don't have children, and mother like they don't have jobs.

You are being sensible to send them now part time even though you’re still on maternity leave because no other groups or activities where they can mix with others are open. And why shouldn’t you get a bit of time to yourself whilst you can.

You are not being unreasonable. Personally I feel having a break from parenting though work means I’m a much better mum to my DC when I am with them (which is still much of the time with evenings, weekends and school holidays).

So many people are losing their jobs right now. If you love yours, it would be silly not to try and hang onto it.

I'd had enough of maternity leave after 11 months, and that was pre-pandemic! DS went to nursery for 2 days, 8-6. DH looked after him on my other workday. I'm not sure I personally could do full time for a long period but it makes sense to me if it's only 4 months and your next mat pay will be based on your returning-to-work hours.

I think that if you need to work, you need to work- no judgement for full time nursery here. If you can flex your hours a bit to give him shorter days I think that would help. I started work at 7am and collected DS at 4 when he was little.

I personally wouldn’t have put him in nursery if I wasn’t working/ to give me a break whilst on maternity leave. I wanted to spend as much time with him as I could, and I think it was very important for him, too. I realise this sounds judgemental but I can’t think of another way to say it, sorry!! That said, anecdotally my friends who have put DC in childcare for 1 day a week (so your KIT day I guess) have had real issues with them settling- so I think that sending your DS for 2 days a week should help with that.

I went back to work full time with both of mine at 6-7 months, and they went to a childminder’s. Probably 7.30-5.30pm ish. After a few years my H went part time as I’m the higher earner. It made it a lot easier for us with him part time, but for the children, they were totally fine, loved the childminders and the other children there. Still used the same childminder right up till high school for wrap around care, actually. Our “bond” is completely excellent and wonderful, they are completely fine and doing extremely well at school and are nice friendly kids and v relaxed and normal at home. One is introverted and one extroverted, but they were so comfortable at the childminders it was more like family.
It was actually a lot harder to be working full time when they got to school age, with all the additional logistical issues like swimming lessons, Cubs, after school 30 min sports clubs, requests for play dates etc. I went down one day of work at this point.
I also felt like I didn’t miss out on their babyhood - obv I wasn’t there the whole time but since they never seemed to enjoy sleeping that much I did manage to see quite a lot of them in the wee small hours...!

My DD went to nursery full time from 9 months old. She loved it, I needed to work, she's 6yo now and a very happy, healthy, bright, confident little girl.

I have worked in a nursery for over 20 years and most children thrive so certainly no problem with them going. My own 2 children loved nursery and sometimes went for long days, having all 3 meals there. However, it is my opinion that 5 days a week 8-6 is too long. That is a 50 hour week - more than most people work. I would be trying to negotiate one day off a week or at least one half day to break it up. Children get tired just as adults do when they work. Ultimately it is up to you though and your decision.

Your baby and so you and DH's decision.

I would never, ever do this and could not live with myself. It is a ridiculously long day for a baby and you say you are on maternity leave? You basically don't see your baby and are having another. I really don't understand this situation.

When you decide to have a child you have to give up something, it's life. You don't get someone else to just deal.

I hope to God it's a good nursery. I walked in and straight out of most (when DD was 3 and going to be doing 2 hours a day)