To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

It could go either way, it may be a good schedule for you and DC or you may both hate it, you won't really know till you try. I've had plenty of friends who this type of schedule has worked out brilliantly and plenty where it hasn't.

I was one of the ones it didn't. I had twins and loved my job. I had every intention of going back full time and put the boys in nursery & days from 8am to 5.30pm. I lasted 8 weeks. I felt like I never saw them, just a couple hours in the morning and evening and none of it quality time. It was feeding, changing etc. I had no idea how they were really developing as I wasn't their primary carer any more, it was the nursery staff telling me all the new stuff they'd done each day. I couldn't handle it 🤷

Not saying you'll feel like this. Try your plan but have a backup option in case you find it doesn't really work for you xx

@FTEngineerM

I know *@kirinm* but you could go and grab a coffee, take a walk to the beach/mountain/, go shopping, go to a soft play/baby group, go out for a meal, take a walk with a friend, go to a national trust beauty spot, visit castles. What ever coping mechanism you’d built up around you was still available.

I’m not saying babies of 2020 are the first to be attached to their mums but it is definitely unique. You can’t sit in a park having a chat with friends/other mums because the police move you on..

What is it you think parents with toddlers are doing now? We don't suddenly stop needing to do things with them. My life is working, sleeping and living in a small flat with exciting trips to the park I've spent the last 2.5 years going to. You can speak to other mothers in the park - we do it now!

I also live in South East London - we don't have many castles or beaches and when my DD was 9 months old, I had no money at all and we were struggling on one salary so I could stay off the entire year. I couldn't afford cafe lunches and trips away!

I have no opinion on whether 8 months is too early and for me, I personally would definitely be keeping the older one at nursery during your next maternity leave (not 5 days, but a couple of days) but anyone with a small kid is facing similar issues as you are at the moment. That situation is not unique to you at all.

I couldn't and wouldn't do it.

@FTEngineerM
You might already be aware of this but
Just to pick up on one point you said upthread about Dc going to bed at 8.30/9
The nursery will ask you his current routine but just be aware that it may will change - although I think they try to be individualised with naps inevitably babies go down at similar times to fit in with meals etc and then you might find his naps are cut short if another child in the sleeping room wakes up.
With the extra stimuli he might also be tireder, and obviously you’ll be needing to get there in the morning for a certain time
So just be aware his bed time might change and get earlier.

Those who think childcare is so awful, how many days a week did your child/rens Dad work per week before they started school?

OP if your family need childcare then use it, my son started nursery six months in to slowly get him used to it before I went back to work after a year. He very much enjoyed nursery. I would however suggest keeping nursery if affordable when number two is here to give you a break, but also to maintain your older childs routine.

Urgh, I have only skimmed the thread (but read all your posts, OP) and feel irritated by all the “you’ll miss milestones” stuff.

You won’t. Your DC will still do the cool new cute thing and you’ll see it for the first time. It dies t happen once then never again. And even if you work part-time, send your DC to be babysat by doting grandparents or even leave them with their other parent for a couple of hours you might miss a ‘first’.

It. Does. Not. Matter. (Because they’ll do it again!)

You’ll be back at work for only a few months before you’re back at home on maternity leave. This is definitely the best plan for your family, for you to return to work. No one seems to be suggesting your DH adjust his hours temporarily to be the parent at home more. Take a leaf out of his book and decide not to listen to people being negative. (But make sure your DH is on board for sick days to be split equally.)

Parenting and education are two areas of expertise. Everyone has had some experience of these things and their incredibly limited personal knowledge makes some individuals feel that they are well placed to give direction to others. You are only 8months in and may have to make more decisions that are outside the experiences of your DF. Knock this kind of input firmly on the head, moving forward suggest that you will ask for advice when you want it. Good luck with nursery if it’s a success hooray if you decide that you want to do something else, well isn’t it marvellous that we live in such enlightened times that parents ( women) have choice. You won’t regret it.....you will regret being bullied at a vulnerable time into feeling rubbish about a decision.

*Urgh, I have only skimmed the thread (but read all your posts, OP) and feel irritated by all the “you’ll miss milestones” stuff.

You won’t. Your DC will still do the cool new cute thing and you’ll see it for the first time. It dies t happen once then never again. And even if you work part-time, send your DC to be babysat by doting grandparents or even leave them with their other parent for a couple of hours you might miss a ‘first’.

It. Does. Not. Matter. (Because they’ll do it again!)*

Exactly, I didn’t see my sons first word, tooth, steps, roll over, sit up etc or any of the first 18 months of his life. It doesn’t make you less of a parent, it doesn’t make him less of a son, it doesn’t mean you’re prevented from forming a good attachment.

Damn, screwed up the bold.

In terms of missing ‘firsts’ etc, technically yes you will miss things because you won’t be there. Whether that matters to you or not depends on you. To some people it’s important and they want to be there. To others it’s a non issue. Both views are valid, so saying something ‘doesn’t matter’ is not true. It depends on whether it matters to you- and for some parents, they don’t want to miss those moments.

Only you know what is right for you, your situation and DC, so I won’t pass any comment on that as your situation is your own.

If it helps however - I have a 3yo DS, I went back to work part time when he was 9mo and had family childcare. That all went up in the air as my DF became seriously unwell, so I swapped to evening hours (as once childcare paid it seemed no point working!).

So SAHM during day, and WFH of an evening and a Saturday. My DS has never been to childcare at all. He is confident with other adults and older children but hates kids his own age. We’ve deferred pre school until sept due to Covid, my dad being CEV and terminal, and baby 2 due in April. I’m worried about him going and there are no toddler groups on for me to take him to.

My DS2 is due in April, and I am returning to work after 8 weeks (still in evening job). I am then going back to work full time when DS2 is 6 months old and he will go to nursery (not FT nursery as DH will be able to drop a day in work and MIL is dropping a day in work in April, so 3 days a week nursery, just our personal circs)

I really feel not attending any nursery (and no toddler groups for over a year due to Covid) has negatively impacted my DS1, so I am prioritising attending nursery for DS2.

My children are 18 and 14 now so nursery is a distant memory. I have always worked fulltime but have never worked for companies who gave you more than statutory maternity leave or pay. When my son was born you only got 4 months maternity leave, so he was in nursery fulltime from then. With my daughter I had 9 months off, which was the position then, but then she was in nursery fulltime from then on.

They both loved nursery and had close bonds with the fabulous carers who worked there. They only have happy memories of their time at nursery.

Their father and I split up when they were 6 and 2. If I had not kept working our lives would have been much harder financially than they have been. You never know what's round the corner. I am very grateful that I have a good career, am financially independent and am able to support my children with whatever they want to do.

My children are happy, healthy, confident kids with good friends. We have a very close relationship and they know how loved they are. They have not been damaged in any way by going to nursery from an early age. They are both bright and doing really well at the grammar schools they are at. (I'm only sharing that to dispel the myth that children who go to nursery do less well academically).

Finding a good nursery is key but it can be a positive experience and they will be fine.

To be honest they need me around far more now they are teenagers than they did when they were babies and being more senior in my career now gives me the flexibility to do that.

I think everyone should be able to make decisions that are right for them and their family, free from the judgement of others. Until you've walked in someone else's shoes and all that....

Good luck

Listen to your father. He is the voice of reason and common sense.

The firsts thing is a total non issue for me.

Nursery don’t know whether it’s his first step when he takes it, just like I don’t know that unless I spend every second with DC.

I could pop to the shop and ‘miss his first step’ that doesn’t make it any less exciting for when he starts to walk and I see him doing it.

If you have to in order to work, then fine, but while you’re on maternity leave??? Bloody ridiculous.

@FTEngineerM

The firsts thing is a total non issue for me.

Nursery don’t know whether it’s his first step when he takes it, just like I don’t know that unless I spend every second with DC.

I could pop to the shop and ‘miss his first step’ that doesn’t make it any less exciting for when he starts to walk and I see him doing it.

Yes, but the anti woman brigade don’t like sense or reason, they just like being unpleasant as it makes them feel superior.

You and your husband are not selfish for wanting to work full time.

You are both selfish bringing a second child into the world when your childcare plan is 8am to 6pm in a creche.
What did you discuss before hand?

I also want to work full time and also love my job, yet I'm part time until my children are at least able to talk, like many others I know. Most women don't stay home or change their hours for the love of it, they do it for their family. And yes it's really shit that men don't have the same flexibility or societal expectations.

It is a very long day for anyone never mind a baby. Perhaps he could apply for a change in his working week to look after his child and support his wife.

@kirinm I’m sorry, I only read half of your initial comment. My apologies, I’ve reread it and you said in your post you were in the same boat it’s tough.

Take no notice what others say. My daughter went into childcare at 7 months old from 7am until 5.45pm. She loves it there and has never been unhappy to go. She's 2.5years now and has lots of confidence and is very independent for her age. We didn't have a choice, as I need to work to pay the bills. Admittedly i wouldn't have chosen for it to be this way but I'm actually glad it worked out the way it did for her sake.

I think considering you are already pregnant it would actually be fairly foolish not to go back full time considering thee financial implications. I've had lots of friends who planned to go back part time or not at all but got pregnant again so quickly it made financial sense to stick it out for those few months until you're on leave again.

I also think while it's a long day, it's only for 3 months when you'll be back full time if I read your OP correctly - he'll be 2 days a week until he's 12 months, then 5 days a week until you're back on leave when he's 15 months. That isn't going to scar him for goodness sake! In London where I live, and in the high powered career circles in which all my colleagues move, ALL our colleagues' children are in nursery 8-6 or they wouldn't be able to actually work... even leaving work early enough for a 6pm pick up is tough as there's often nearly an hour's commute. It would maybe be different if it was going to be indefinite but 3 months is nothing.

OP - my child went to nursery from 6 months (financial reasons in our case), 4 days a week. The 4 days was a good balance for us. Later my OH dropped a day so we dropped down to 3 days.

We are introverted people, but DC is outgoing and loves being with people, he's confident and happy and well rounded.

He may have been like this anyway, but I really think nursery helped.

Do what is best for your family - you're the only people who need to be happy with your decision - and can always change your mind if you need to.

Fine to go back when he's 1. Absolutely fine and reasonable.

but, putting an 8 month old in nursery for an extra whole day when you are off on mat leave 'so that you can do stuff and get a break'? There's not enough YABUs for that. Being with him is WHY you're off on mat leave? If he wasn't there you'd be in work, not getting 'time to do stuff'???

I get needing a break. It's hard. It's doubly hard now. But no, I do not think that putting an 8 month old in a full day's nursery is something you do unless you absolutely bloody have to. It's too young. WAY too young. Even the KIT day- we organised parental leave by my DH when I had this, to stretch out the time before my eldest had to go when I went back to work.

It is not optimum care for your baby and you don't have to do it - I can see why you're getting comments.

It's not a long time for you but it really is a key time for your baby. If you possibly can, reconsider the nursery before 1, use your DH parental leave to not only cover KIT days but to give you a break.

OP, just do what you feel is right. There'll always be people who don't agree with your choices. I think parents and in-laws often have rose-tinted glasses on - the amount of times, I've been told how easy I have it drives me nuts.
FWIW, I think nursery is great - I would never be able to provide the same level of socialisation, stimulation or independence at home.

Also in other countries leave is much shorter - e.g. in Netherlands you only get 16 weeks or so and 4 weeks of that has to be taken before the baby is born. Of course the US is even more extreme, you hear of 4 week old babies in daycare. What I'm saying is, having a full year of mother's 1 to 1 undivided attention is not the norm, even in progressive countries like the Netherlands.

YANBU
But if you have any doubts/concerns then consider what I did. I went in to work early and started at 6am. DH dropped them off at nursery at 9am and started at 9:30. I got off at 2:30pm and picked them up at 3pm. So they were only there from 9-3 every day. This was good practice and by the time they were school age the nursery run just became the school run. It was seamless to our work.