To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Kids do not remember what happened to them when they were that small unless it's traumatic. I barely remember primary school, TBH.

I find this attitude incredibly dismissive. Just because a child won't remember something upsetting doesn't mean it won't have an impact on their behaviour short term and/or long term. Plus their feelings shouldn't only count when they're old enough to remember, children's feelings in the moment should count for something no? They are people too!

especially in the context of a pandemic when so many children are being deprived a stable education to stop the spread

That is a moot point, I HAVE to send him for one day a week anyway because I’m working KIT day.

I think it’s important for both parents to work and maintain financial independance as the future is uncertain in any relationship.

I don’t understand the use of childcare whilst in maternity or annual leave though etc. If working full time we spend a lot of time in work so when off surely you want to make the most of seeing the children as they grow up so fast.

Plus if you need childcare now when not working, what happens when you have two if you already need a break.

I’ve always been career motivated and put my baby into nursery when she was 9 months so I could go back. From 1yo she did 5 long days (sometimes it was 730-630). Honestly looking back (she’s now 3) it was too much and I really regret it. At the weekends she was tired, she picked up colds at nursery so we had that to deal with and I just didn’t get to spend enough time with her. Because my husband and I have been working from home more the past year we’ve been able to do shorter days at nursery and I’ve seen a different , which might be why I regret our earlier decisions.

@FTEngineerM

You cannot be everything for your child.

That is true, takes a village and all that..

However at the moment we don’t have a village because it’s illegal

I don't want to belittle your experience of having a baby and raising a baby during lockdown but not everyone has a village and still manages. My daughter is nearly two and a half and sadly the only time I've ever not had her was when I was in hospital unwell and when I'm working. We don't have family locally who help. That bit of your life isn't unusual at all.

As for putting your baby into childcare, personally I was fed up of maternity leave by around 9 months - my DC was / is a terrible sleeper and my days involved walking for many hours a day to try and encourage naps. But I wasn't quite ready for her to be in childcare by then. By the time she was 1, she was in childcare 4 days a week. Not quite as long a day as you're suggesting but close enough. Also, any baby rooms I saw at nursery depressed me so she went to a childminder in the end.

She has only gone 5 days a week since November and I am a bit unsure as to whether it is a bit too much for her. Nothing we can do about it though as we both have full time jobs and need to work at the moment.

Do it and feel no guilt. My dd was in nursery 3 days doing those hours with an additional day with mil from 8 months, she loved it, actually I think she did better than my youngest who was mostly cared for by my mum and mil as mum had retired by then and kindly offered childcare. The structure of it, getting along with other children, she really thrived. Whereas my son was a little indulged and found preschool a bit of a shock.

No reason why your career should suffer, knock on effects of years off work are quite brutal.

If lo is starting to struggle then you and your partner can reassess, for a few months dh and I both did a 4 day week so dd was only on childcare for 3 days. It was only for about 6 months but was great for dh (in that it was really difficult for him and he finally understood how hard childcare is).

Maybe your DF could offer to do some childcare if he's so concerned about the situation? If both you and your DH are happy with the arrangement then don't worry about anyone else's opinion. I went back full time. DH decided to go part time to care for DD, if he'd have wanted to continue full time she would've had more nursery days (she loved it).

Virus wise, I wouldn’t be sending my children anywhere they really didn’t need to be to protect them and others. The staff in childcare places very likely have little protection as cant SD from small children etc and so put themselves at risk daily.

Can dh drop some time to accommodate if necessary?

If you don't like the judgement from other people then I'm not sure why you've asked for input here. Your child -your choice.

I put my little one in nursery full time at 7 months. He is now 19 months and is thriving he absolutely loves it. I had to go back to work full time as we couldn't afford me not too and to be honest it's great as I still get to be me the person rather than just me the mum. You do what is right for you and your little family, people will always have an opinion about parenting but every child and family is different.

@DaphneBridgerton

Have to be honest, I couldn't leave an under 1 year old at nursery for a full day.. and even at 1yo 5 full days does seem a lot to me. You will miss so many milestones. I don't think it's wrong, I just think it's sad. I'd be looking at how I could work a 4 day week and maybe leave with grandparents for the other day, so they're only at nursery 3 days a week.

Has your DF offered to provide some childcare, seeing as he is so concerned about your plans?!

Why is there always an assumption family child care is an option? OP has already said it isn't. Again in my social group I don't know many who live within 30miles of their parents! We obviously all moved around a lot in our 20s.

I have done both. With DC1 I went back to work FT and DC went to nursery 8-4pm 4 days a week and spent one day with grandparents. They coped fine but some days I had to leave them crying which I found difficult. With DC2 I had the opportunity to go PT which was brilliant. DC1 was starting school so it meant I could be around more for both of them and I really found PT the best of both worlds.

But I knew I would go back FT which I have just done as both DC are in school now. I don't think 5 days a week is a problem but if I could I would shorten the days if at all possible? They are long days and although you will have evenings you may find your DC is tired and grumpy after a long day at nursery or may even start going to bed earlier. My DC never napped as well at nursery as they did at home so they were definitely tired after their days there.

But whatever you decide, it should be what you are happy with. You are the one who has to do it day in and day out so it doesn't matter what anyone else would do. Do what you think is the best for your family.

When I had m children (many years ago) I was self employed and went back to work full time + when they were 8 weeks old. I was happy , they were happy and i can now say from experience they turned out pretty well. Please don't let anyone emotionally blackmail you into doing something that is not right for you. There are always people on mumsnet who will say that you are a terrible mother if you do not EBF until they are 3 or devote your whole life to your children. Just do what suits you and your family best, it is none of anyone elses business.
There is a lot to be said for maintaining your career and making progress at this stage. Apart from personal satisfaction there is always the possibility your marriage might fail or your husband become disabled or unwell - or just decide to pursue a less remunerative line of work. Having a decent income of your own will help with this sort of situation.

I know @kirinm but you could go and grab a coffee, take a walk to the beach/mountain/, go shopping, go to a soft play/baby group, go out for a meal, take a walk with a friend, go to a national trust beauty spot, visit castles. What ever coping mechanism you’d built up around you was still available.

I’m not saying babies of 2020 are the first to be attached to their mums but it is definitely unique. You can’t sit in a park having a chat with friends/other mums because the police move you on..

I think its your decision at the end of the day .Obviously your DF is "Old School" and comes from a time where more Mums stayed at home .I would see how it goes ,if he likes going then I would just relax and leave it at that .Dont engage with DF any more .Just say Dad ,we have made our decision and are happy with it .Thank you ,and change the subject

I wouldn't have done it when my DC were that age (and didn't do it). What's more, I judged people very hard who did.

I'd be less judgy now, though, as I never imagined I'd be divorced and regret having given up my professional job for which I spent years qualifying.

There wasn't a pandemic going on when my DC were little, either.

I do wonder why you would start a thread inviting opinions, though, if your problem is that other people keep giving you their unwanted opinions.

In short: I actually think it's a terrible thing to do to young children, but it might end up being a good idea for you. Your task (and your DP's) is to weigh it all up and make whatever you both think is the best decision for your family.

People who have access to family childcare just cannot comprehend what it is like not to have that option.

This! My parents and in-laws had family childcare yet will swear they did it on their own and if not then make it into us moving closer to them (in-laws are 400+ and my own are 4,000+ miles away) where all but MIL doesn’t work and she won’t even watch ours for a few hours or offers to while doing it for the other grandchildren who are all closer and moans about doing that to my husband

I spent mine at my grandparents and it was mostly sitting in front of the tv while my grandfather worked outside (he was a mechanic) while my grandmother was at work. My son is three and gets way more stimulation at nursery than I ever did being with family. He runs to nursery, goes straight in with barely a look back and a massive grin when he comes out with tons of artwork to show us and we get messages and pictures of what he does and his progress.

YANBU. Screw people pushing their irrelevant opinions on you. A woman should be free to do whatever is right for her and her family. Tell DF to piss off and take his preaching elsewhere.

I think its a demographic thing. English people outside of London don't seem to both work FT once babies arrive. (Just a sweeping generalisation based on MN threads). To me it seems to disproportionately affect women, especially the kind of women who have kids before getting married, and then go part time and then are on here 5 years later complaining about their partners not pulling their weight or respecting them, and struggling with finances.

This is not a popular argument: but I think if you want to work FT you should absolutely do it. Around me nearly every woman who had a kid at the same time as me has gone back to work FT, with kids either with a nanny or in nursery FT from about 6-9 months. Mother's careers are thriving for the most part, and on par with their husband's. Do what suits you OP and stop listening to other people's opinions. (including those on this thread and mine). If you want to go PT and it suits your family that's fine, but there's not medal awarded for martyring your career prospects or your mental health. Kids are absolutely fine in a variety of situations, and in the long-run I'd argue having a mother who is fulfilled, having the ability to afford a variety of experiences, seeing parents have an equitable happy relationship are also wonderful things on par with just having mummy-time.

I think the best person to decide what works for you and your family is you (and your DP I guess). You’ll presumably monitor the situation and adjust if it’s really not working for your child.

My honest opinion is that I couldn’t do it. But then we don’t have the option anyway! I totally understand what you’re saying about the added pressures of having a baby in a pandemic. Mine is 6.5 months. In my case it’s sent me the other way and I can’t imagine ever being apart from her right now, she’s such a velcro baby I have barely even had a wee by myself since she was born. But I do think it’s in part because we haven’t been able to see family/ friends, I haven’t been able to for example let my sister take her for a walk or leave her with my mother in law for half an hour whilst I nip to the supermarket, so I don’t think either of us have built up the confidence to work up to longer periods of time apart. (I can of course leave her with DH but work has been insane for him thanks to pandemic and he is working a lot of evenings and weekends too). I guess if financially we could afford some time in nursery, and I felt she could cope with it, I’d certainly take the opportunity.

For various practical, financial and just plain wanting to reasons we are thinking that I will stay at home maybe until next year. I’ve had quite a few comments/ judgey attitudes about that too. So clearly can’t win either way. I do stress about it, am I being a bad feminist? Am I not modelling work ethic and independence for my daughter? Will I ever find my way back to a fulfilling career? Is it going to affect the dynamics in my marriage will I just become the little woman etc etc. At the end of the day whatever you decide there will be positives and negatives but you can only do what is right for your own family and sod what others think.

@Mrgrinch

You're missing out on the majority of her life. I couldn't do that.

What utter tripe.

I personally think YABU. I really don't understand why people choose to have kids but then pay someone else to raise them full-time. I grew up in a house with a childminder - quite a few of the kids were left with us for up to 12 hours a day, 5 days a week. We had little ones taking their first steps, first words, all those things that parents should get to experience (or WANT to experience). Not only will you miss out on things but guaranteed your child won't be as close to you, there's enough studies around the impact that nursery has on a child's attachment (a few hours a day seemed to have the most positive impact). I fully support your decision to work but I think you or DH should consider reducing your hours.

Sorry don’t understand priorities here - why have kids just to pack them off so young all day - early years bonding is so important - a salary of even 100,000k wouldn’t make me want to work full-time I would miss those early precious years! they will soon be going to school full-time.

My daughter has been in nursery full time (8-6) since she was 9 months old as I returned to work full time. Both myself and my partner work full time (he's an essential worker), living in London and cannot afford for either of us to drop hours at work as we don't have the disposable income to do that.
Do I feel guilt about it - yes 100%. We see her in the am before we drop her off and the evenings are pretty much bath and bed. So really we just get the weekends with her.
We're moving out of London so we can be financially better off and so we can afford to drop a day each and she'll then attend part time.
But I will say that she loves it there. She goes in happy and she's got a really good relationship with her key workers.
On annual leave days I don't send her in though.
People will always have an opinion but it's your child. You know what is best for you and your family.