To send DC to nursery 8am - 6pm?

[FTEngineerM]

DF has put his opinion out there last night and I ended the call really upset. So then he left a guilt tripping voicemail about how I’ll live to regret this and it’ll be the worst thing I do.

I love my job. I love my child. But it’s been so hard parenting him in a pandemic we’ve decided to send him 2 days a week for 12 weeks until the end of my maternity then up to 5 days a week when he’s 1 and I’m back in FT. So that’ll be some point between 8am and 6pm 5 days a week, not always the whole time, probably 8:30-5 majority of days.
He’s 8m old and started this week, loved it, left smiling and went in smiling at the key worker on the second day. Lots of photo updates throughout the day.

Then I pointed out to DP that everyone has said something about the subject actually not just DF, he was just sharp with his words. All we’ve heard is ‘oo, that’s a long day, he’s so tiny’ ‘ I didn’t know they took babies that small’ ‘ why are you working full time Mr FTEngineerM earns more than enough for you to go part time or quit’ ‘you’ll regret it’ ‘it’s awful to be away from your baby for that long’ ‘think of the bond’

I’m a lot more emotional that usual being pregnant, but we’re taking a barrage of comments from people who firstly don’t have babies right now or at least certainly didn’t have them in a pandemic.

Am i BU to enjoy working and want to work full time when he’s 1? And do 2 days a week until that point? Am I really being selfish for wanting to go to work all day? I’m fed up of every parenting decision we make being scrutinised having to go through ‘the committee’ like we can’t make our own choices. I’ll be back off on maternity leave when DC is 15m old until he’s over 2yo.

Well, if your baby seems happy with it and you are happy with it, then try it and see if he’s still happy to do that every week. Tbh, I think it’s less harsh on him to do a couple of days a week now than full time at home until 1 year old, then bam, straight into spending most of his waking hours in a nursery 5 days a week (unless unwell).

It is not something I could have done, because my children are way too introverted (not the same as shy, they just tire more rapidly than average of other children’s company and are very happy in their own company, even now as teens). I would also have resented missing out on most of their waking lives when they were developing so quickly. Also, I’m quite introverted too, and wouldn’t do to others what I know I would have loathed myself as a child. I would have needed some proper downtime at home every day, not to be all day surrounded by the chaos of others, then come home exhausted by it all and having someone bother me with more interaction, bathtimes and stories and bed. It doesn’t sound like your baby has that sort of a personality, though!

As an aside: I do not have a senior position or earn 100k, I don’t earn much at all actually but it’s a niche complex job that I love. Taking three years out after qualifying is a terrible idea career wise IMO.

What you earn is completely immaterial - it's, about how you feel about your job and yourself as a person. Glad you DP is a sensible, balanced human and supportive.

I went back to work full time when each of mine were 6 months old and they were in the nursery from 8 - 6 as were a lot of other babies. If he is happy and it helps you then ignore what others think its your choice and not theirs. I also put my eldest in nursery part time when I was on maternity leave with my youngest as I didn't want to lose her place and she was older and needed time with other children her own age. Plus it gave me a bit of one to one time with the baby. When you become a parent everyone else seems to think that they are entitled to interfere. They aren't, do what works best for your family and ignore them.

Oh also
I would consider keeping them in nursery 1 or 2 days a week when the new baby is born. Gives you time to bond with the new baby, gives you a bit of a break and keeps the continuity of nursery going for the older one. My DS kept going to nursery 2 days per week when I was on mat leave with number 2.

Completely agree with this. My eldest stayed in nursery 3 days when I was on leave with number 2. Was definitely better for him then always being at home with a tiny baby needing all the care that tiny babies do, and was important to keep both his friendships and attachments with nursery teachers.

If you have a 15 month gap between them, I would consider sending him a few days as a PP said. I had that age gap and was losing my mind after a few months so my oldest had to start doing a few days a week to give me a break!
Sod the family being manipulative, do what is best for you.

I would disregard any comments from people who say things like:

"I couldn't have done that, mine only went three days a week. MIL had them the other two days".

"Can a family member pick them up a few days a week so they don't have to be at nursery so late?"

"I don't think group childcare is the best option when they're so young. I went back part-time and my sister looked after my DD".

These are all things I've heard friends/colleagues say in real life, and there are echoes of it on this thread too.

People who have access to family childcare just cannot comprehend what it is like not to have that option. My DC are 5 and 2 and apart from a handful of very rare occasions the only times they are ever not with us is when they are at paid childcare or school. Sometimes I do still send the youngest to nursery if I have a day off because it is literally the only time I ever get.

@Walkaround

Well, if your baby seems happy with it and you are happy with it, then try it and see if he’s still happy to do that every week. Tbh, I think it’s less harsh on him to do a couple of days a week now than full time at home until 1 year old, then bam, straight into spending most of his waking hours in a nursery 5 days a week (unless unwell).

It is not something I could have done, because my children are way too introverted (not the same as shy, they just tire more rapidly than average of other children’s company and are very happy in their own company, even now as teens). I would also have resented missing out on most of their waking lives when they were developing so quickly. Also, I’m quite introverted too, and wouldn’t do to others what I know I would have loathed myself as a child. I would have needed some proper downtime at home every day, not to be all day surrounded by the chaos of others, then come home exhausted by it all and having someone bother me with more interaction, bathtimes and stories and bed. It doesn’t sound like your baby has that sort of a personality, though!

That is certainly food for thought!! We are introverted. We find it exhausting being around others all day. Hmm jeez what a good point. I mean he’s seemed happy with 2 days so far but I’ll definitely keep an eye next week. Maybe it’s the novelty since he’s never met other people other than me DP DF and DMIL (and their respective partners).

OP, you may want to keep your DC in nursery for one day a week with a newborn if he likes going, particularly if baby groups etc haven't reopened. It will give you a chance to spend some 1-2-1 time with your new baby and your eldest a chance to socialise with others.

Best of luck with whatever you decide to do and ignore the judgments... people love to judge a new parent.

Sorry I think YABU.

Why send your child away for two full days while you are on maternity leave? Also, I think 5 full days is far too long for such a young child. I find it very sad.

I don’t think the full onus should fall on you though when you have a DH who could also adapt his hours so at least one of your can be around for your child.

You need to do so what you need to do! Full time nursery as a baby or full time at home with their mother - we all know which one is better for the baby really, BUT it’s not JUST about your baby is it? You want to work, it’s important to you, and that can’t be ignored. I’m sure it makes no really difference when they are older anyway 🤷‍♀️. My lot are all primary age now and I couldn’t tell you which of their friends was at nursery or which was at home with their parent - they all seem perfectly nice, happy and confident. BUT my first baby was in nursery 2 full days a week from a year and I never really got used to it and I’m not sure she did either. But of yours already goes I’m sure he’ll be fine

@ladybirdlamp

I would disregard any comments from people who say things like:

"I couldn't have done that, mine only went three days a week. MIL had them the other two days".

"Can a family member pick them up a few days a week so they don't have to be at nursery so late?"

"I don't think group childcare is the best option when they're so young. I went back part-time and my sister looked after my DD".

These are all things I've heard friends/colleagues say in real life, and there are echoes of it on this thread too.

People who have access to family childcare just cannot comprehend what it is like not to have that option. My DC are 5 and 2 and apart from a handful of very rare occasions the only times they are ever not with us is when they are at paid childcare or school. Sometimes I do still send the youngest to nursery if I have a day off because it is literally the only time I ever get.

Agree. We have never had family to help with childcare so that why, despite being a teacher, I send my children to summer camps!

Thank you @Cam2020

It wouldn't be my choice but it's not my family, it's your family and your choice. Do what works for you.

Could you and dh both do 4 days a week at work and that way baby is only in nursery 3 days and you both get a day at home with him? This is what me and dp have done and it works great.

You don't get this time back, you might miss some milestones but if you're happy with your decision that's fine, ignore what everyone else thinks. I do feel bad for small babies who are in nursery such long days, but understand that sometimes families need to make that choice to be able to work. But you're still on mat leave.

You cannot be everything for your child. He will need input from other adults and interaction with other children. My daughter went to a childminder at 6 months, I worked FT for 3 months then dropped a day so that I could have a bit more time with her (DH did the same). She is now nearly 2, loves the childminder and her friends there, never gets upset when I leave her there (sometimes gets grumpy when it's time to go!) and she still has the most amazing, affectionate bond with both of us. I couldn't be a full time SAHM, and I take my hat off to people who are - I think it's harder than working!
@FTEngineerM, you do whatever you feel is right. Everyone else can shove it. If you find it doesn't work for you, then you can change things. Nothing is set in stone.

Personally I think it's a great idea to send him whilst you're on maternity now if you're planning to go back full time at the end of your ML. It means he knows and is comfortable there. Doing two full days means he is used to being there from 8-6, and I doubt the transition to 5 days a week will be so significant for him. It might be for you! But again you will have got used to a bit of baby free time so your first day won't be such a shock to the system.

I can't believe all these posters thinking it unusual to work full time as a mom! Maybe it's just my social group but everyone I know has babies in some form of childcare 5 days a week once maternity has finished! Sometimes it's GP if they're lucky but most are in nursery. If families can survive on one wage or can compact hours then great but that's not available to lots of families or job roles.
Good luck OP. I'm sure your DS will love nursery and you'll enjoy time back at work too. Don't give in to the mom guilt everyone piles on you.

No we don’t have grandparent help unfortunately, that would be optimum.

The two grandparents who don’t work (out of 6) one is 250miles away and the other has just been retired through ill health as unable to work (as a teacher), I can’t send DC out for the day with him with the risk that poses should something go wrong.

Here's the pros and cons from my experience. I grew up with full-time working parents. Negatives = I remember always being the first to be dropped-off and last to be picked-up at everything. Dinners were always rushed and my parents exhausted. Feeling unwanted and emotionally neglected. Positives = plenty of friends, disposable income allowing my to pursue hobbies in the teen years, experience with different people from different backgrounds, being independant from an early age.

Forgot to say my son goes to nursery 2 full days a week . He will continue to do this when I'm in may leave as I'm due later on in the year

These threads always end up with posters saying ‘just ignore all others and do what’s best for you’ and labelling parents who choose not to use nursery as ‘career killers’ etc.

Personal choice means just that. Choosing not to send to nursery is also a valid choice. It doesn’t kill your career if you look after your child on maternity leave, that’s what maternity leave is for.

I think babies should be with their parents if possible. Obviously in some instances it is not possible, however I think it is normal and healthy for babies go spend most of not al of their time with their parents. They can socialise for the rest of their lives.

Have to be honest, I couldn't leave an under 1 year old at nursery for a full day.. and even at 1yo 5 full days does seem a lot to me. You will miss so many milestones. I don't think it's wrong, I just think it's sad. I'd be looking at how I could work a 4 day week and maybe leave with grandparents for the other day, so they're only at nursery 3 days a week.

Has your DF offered to provide some childcare, seeing as he is so concerned about your plans?!

@alanpartridgefromtheoasthouse

Do what is best for you and your family and ignore what everyone else thinks. I'm pretty sure your DF didn't spend all day every day with you when you were 8 months old did he?

I'll never forget the middle aged male colleague who commented "I'm surprised to see you back at work, babies need their mums when they're tiny" on my first day back after a year of mat leave. I should have politely told him to mind his own business, instead I cried in the toilets!

I can only imagine how you felt when your colleague said that, I think I’d have cried too.

YANBU to want to work full time.

YABU to send a baby to nursery if you’re still on mat leave, especially in the context of a pandemic when so many children are being deprived a stable education to stop the spread.

YABU to put him in full time if you plan to pull him back out after DC2 arrives, it’s confusing for him.

My own babies thrived at nursery and went from 11 months, but neither did full time. They did go every day but mostly mornings with a couple of longer days thrown in.

You cannot be everything for your child.

That is true, takes a village and all that..

However at the moment we don’t have a village because it’s illegal

We have 3 who all went to nursery full time for long days. We both work full time and at the time had to commute to work.

They are now 8,6,4, they talk fondly of nursery and it now means we are starting g to have some money as the youngest started school in September. If one of us had given up work then we still wouldn’t have any spare money after bills once they were all at school.

Sorry, just seen your update re. not having childcare available from grandparents...