Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

[Dollyplum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

@NoToMisogyny

Pretty clear why *@RootyT00t* and co want feminists to leave. They’re not used to having their BS challenged in real life.

I can’t believe people are using ‘they’ for the OP’s child on the thread. She’s not reading it, I assume. Your virtue-signalling is noted though.

And the analogy to anorexia is spot on. I wouldn’t go along with anyone’s delusions. Except someone with advanced dementia.

Am I not?

I think you'll find our gender cult selves are drowned out by the much louder much more aggressive likes of yourselves.

Are you being thick or seriously obtuse? Ops child wants pronouns used. Therefore we are using they, because it's respectful. Incidentally, misnaming on these boards is against the rules and can result in a strike.

Wonder why.

No, the analogy is offensive, but I'm not surprised you agree with it. Do you find that when you spout these views in real life people agree? Of course you dont, because nobody outside of presumably like minded friends because I don't have any friends who are as nasty as you sound here would, because in any other environmental, it would get you the sack, or certainly not in a very nice position.

@Winesalot

I hear you OP. It it is not uncommon. My teen's friends 4 out of 6 are trans and they are all 14.

Yep, DS(14) friendship group is similar. DS started a relationship with new girlfriend last summer, girlfriend then decided to be non binary after a few months so DS was referring to them as they/them and apparently they have now decided they are he/him so DS is bisexual (or pan sexual, apparently as this seems to be cooler). I've only met them once due to lockdowns, but do still refer to them when talking with DS. I managed they/them a lot easier than expected and am now trying to remember he/him. It does get easier! Thankfully DS does understand this is all gender not sex and that sex is indeed binary and unchangeable. We have some interesting conversations in which I try very hard not to come across as too much of an angry, gender critical feminist (which I am, but not at them)!

My friend's daughter (14, ASD) has been trans for nearly a year but friend has only recently started using their preferred name with a compromise that pronouns will remain the same as her sex is still female. I suppose it depends on whether you see pronouns as referencing sex or gender?

@RootyT00t

Incidentally even though AIBU isn't known for its kind welcome I wouldn't send anyone who is a parent of a trans or non binary child over to those specific discussion boards. It's brutal. So why bring the vitriol here.

And yet the feminism boards are full of mums of kids with ROGD, trying to help their children through.

@NoToMisogyny

‘Why on earth bring it over here?’ While saying people can post where they like about what they like. So you people even hear yourselves?

We have the right to disagree that ‘pronouns’ are anything but narcissistic garbage. My advice OP is to remove your daughter’s mobile/ iPad for a while. Ghouls like the ones on this thread will be lovebombing her online. Like with any other cult. Help her get back to reality. If I force someone to call me ‘Fido’ it doesn’t make me a dog.

I'm sure OP will take that advice gladly on board after you called her child a woo woo cult and compared her to an anorexic.

This is what you guys don't get.

OP is clearly on the fence here. If you made your case with slightly less venom and vitriol, you might close the divide instead of widening it.

What I said was why bring the vitriol that wer in the changing rooms threads along here. I stand by that.

Boards of parents who don't believe that gender ideology is a thing and OK, you mean.

That's not what OP asked.

The op has had replies in the context of gender and how dangerous an ideology it is. Were not here to pretend that this is a great thing and advise the op on how to get over herself. Many parents out there are at a loss on what non-binary/trans even is, never mind the other load of gender stuff that can be thrown out by a 14 year old who's spent just a bit too long on reddit or tumblr. Why shouldn't those you'd love to lock in the feminist board have a say on explaining why this isn't something the op should just 'go along with'?

Pumpkin I don't necessarily disagree but I've seen the work you have to put in to be a stonewall approved school and use the resources etc. Its not common.

@BrumBoo

That's not what OP asked.

The op has had replies in the context of gender and how dangerous an ideology it is. Were not here to pretend that this is a great thing and advise the op on how to get over herself. Many parents out there are at a loss on what non-binary/trans even is, never mind the other load of gender stuff that can be thrown out by a 14 year old who's spent just a bit too long on reddit or tumblr. Why shouldn't those you'd love to lock in the feminist board have a say on explaining why this isn't something the op should just 'go along with'?

They can have a say. It's the vitriol that isn't necessary. Do you think OP has learned what non binary is ? Or just been told it's a load of woo woo?

I know a pansexual person. They've had relationships with both sexes. They are not bisexual. They are pansexual

Sorry, missed this. As a last derail @RootyT00t, what is the difference between a bisexual and pan sexual?

Did anyone miss the bit where OP said the name change was fine with the family and the child was happier?

So are we really arrogant enough to tell her it's a load of nonsense and to undo it?

She asked about the pronouns and the pronouns alone. I haven't seen any real compelling posts from the other argument, except that it's a load of evil woo woo.

• I wouldn’t indulge the fantasy and the compelling of speech of others. I’d have conversations about why she is uncomfortable being a young woman and explore her responses and discuss what pressures there are in society when you are a woman. She’s distressed about something but buying in to the current non binary declaration is not addressing her concerns*

This. I totally agree. It is so fashionable at the moment. My daughter (14) is at an all girls' school and 90% of them seem to be either bi/pan/lesbian or trans. They are growing and learning and pushing at perceived boundaries. I have had several conversations with my dd about the value of women and the fact that they can be whoever they choose, without the need to play at being boys.

Yeah DD (14) has gone the same way

It gets easier over time. They know I forget sometimes and they're fine with it. They know it's new to dp and I.
Their preferred name is just a neutral short version of their actual name which we called them anyway as a pet name.

Just try and think it before you say it and over time you'll get there.

@BrumBoo

I know a pansexual person. They've had relationships with both sexes. They are not bisexual. They are pansexual

Sorry, missed this. As a last derail @RootyT00t, what is the difference between a bisexual and pan sexual?

In anecdotal terms , they told me that they fell in love with a woman and a man not due to sexuality but due to falling in love with that person.

Bisexual is being attracted to both sexes.

Pansexual is attraction not based on sex or gender identity.

@BrumBoo

I know a pansexual person. They've had relationships with both sexes. They are not bisexual. They are pansexual

Sorry, missed this. As a last derail @RootyT00t, what is the difference between a bisexual and pan sexual?

There isn't a difference.

[quote ElizabethofpeanutYorkies]"@NoToMisogyny I’m not the one telling people to fuck off "

That was me not @RootyT00t [/quote]
I mean I agreed, but someone so clever should get their facts straight.

@pumpkinbump according to you pumpkin or according to research?
I must have imagined it.

OP,

I appreciate that you're trying to do right as a parent here, but please read and absorb as much as you can about this subject and go into it with your eyes wide open.