Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

[Dollyplum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

Hey OP.
Just wanted to say that as a non-binary person in my 30s, the comments from people claiming this is a phase that will go away/that you should "play along" are unhelpful. Non-binary people exist, they always have done, and while some people's gender identity shifts throughout life, that isn't always (or usually) the case, so please don't assume it's a phase. Take your child at their word.

For what it's worth, my life isn't only my gender identity—I have a partner, friends, kids etc. A full life. The only time my gender becomes a "big deal" or the "centre of attention" is when other people make it a big deal by refusing to use the right pronouns or deciding to argue with me about who I am. And they are invariably the ones making it an issue—it's not something I particularly love talking about.

Of course it is hard for you as a parent to have to navigate such a large shift in relation to your child, and I don't think there's anything wrong with acknowledging that to yourself/others as long, as you don't make it your child's problem (not to say you would). However, you will get there eventually, and I think asking your child to forgive any accidental slip ups in the knowledge that you are trying your hardest is fine, and I'm sure they will. If you slip up, correct yourself and move on. If it's hard at first, practice out loud to yourself or with your partner until it feels more natural (and it will before you know it).

That said, you DO have to try—always, in all situations, whether your child is present or not. If your child wishes to use they/them with all people in all situations, you must do the same. Pull people up on it (gently) when they make mistakes; take a hard line with people who refuse to accept your child.

You don't have to understand non-binary identities to actively support them—all you or anyone else needs to know is which name and pronouns to use, and whether your child would prefer terms such as "sibling" instead of more gendered ones.

You have to be your child's champion, and you can be. Don't let awkwardness or embarrassment get in the way of supporting and accepting them. It is the best gift you can give them, honestly.

Am sure OP will be right back to thank you all for answering her question thoughtfully and not turning this into another debate on trans issues.

Oh wait...

I'm not angry Brumboo, I just get fed up with the 'wrong' on every thread - I notice you ignored my refute on pansexual.

The fact that trans may consider themselves to be non binary does not mean that the two things are identical.

But what does anger me is the fact we've completely derailed.

OP didn't ask for any of this. She asked for advice on using pronouns , and the usual has happened.

@NoToMisogyny

Except you are. Gender ideology is extremely harmful to women. And children. The peddlers of this evil nonsense are reprehensible.

Mmmm.

And we wonder why we can't reach a compromise in the two camps.

Why on earth anyone would want to see things from your side when you speak the way you do is exactly the problem. But you guys don't care about that. Youre mAkinG youR poinT, and youngsters cop for it.

The fact you think you can 'cure ' this is horrifying. And it really , genuinely irates me that this agenda continues to pretend it's the children they care about. It's women and women alone.

@NoToMisogyny

Except you are. Gender ideology is extremely harmful to women. And children. The peddlers of this evil nonsense are reprehensible.

You didn't explain why I'm projecting . Do you know about my gender identity?

I don't blame her not coming back.

If I ever took a knock to the head and joined the 'gender idealogy is evil brigade', I'd like to think I'd make a point in a less offensive, nasty, deceitful way.

The two agendas will never meet, certainly not in my lifetime and it's these families stuck in the middle. But the 'feminism protectors' that trounce these threads don't care as long as their point is made.

[quote NoToMisogyny]@alphabetQ so you’ve decided this isn’t a phase. Because anecdote is data? This is narcissism, pure and simple. Pronouns are mostly used by people when you’re not even there. Why do you think you have the right to compel people to lie about your sex? How does that make you ‘non-binary’? You’re just a man or woman who is getting off on the attention.[/quote]
And you've decided it is. Because you're more educated than me to do so. Why?

Narcissism 🤣 you really are an armchair psychologist.

Narcissists see people as objects . So I'm not sure they'd get bogged down in gender.

Why do you think you have the right to be involved in what they do or don't do?

Incidentally you still haven't explained my projecting.

I think you have to continue being supportive and use the pronouns as requested, whilst noting that it’s a big change for you, you may slip up and so may others. Patience is required on both sides.

It’s worth doing what you can to bring non-stereotypical female role models in your child’s life. I’d imagine they are doing this because they don’t like the way girls and women are treated, however unless they are planning to transition to being male (unlikely) then they will find they can’t escape this reality, so good for them to know that however sexist society is, there are many ways to be a woman, and many women who successfully reject the limitations put on them.

By being understand of pronouns and name change it will be easier for you to be firm about the elements of non binary that could harm your child’s physical health (eg breast binding) and maximises the chances they will be open with you and you can keep an eye on any further developments.

The chances are they will return to identifying as a woman, and will take ownership of what that means to them.

Also, I would get yourself involved in a support group that allows for different points if you. This is hard on you and you need to be supported so you can support your child.

Why is it that you don't like Misogyny, @NoToMisogyny, but you're perfectly OK with transphobia?

I can almost predict that your response is anecdotal.

@partyatthepalace

I think you have to continue being supportive and use the pronouns as requested, whilst noting that it’s a big change for you, you may slip up and so may others. Patience is required on both sides.

It’s worth doing what you can to bring non-stereotypical female role models in your child’s life. I’d imagine they are doing this because they don’t like the way girls and women are treated, however unless they are planning to transition to being male (unlikely) then they will find they can’t escape this reality, so good for them to know that however sexist society is, there are many ways to be a woman, and many women who successfully reject the limitations put on them.

By being understand of pronouns and name change it will be easier for you to be firm about the elements of non binary that could harm your child’s physical health (eg breast binding) and maximises the chances they will be open with you and you can keep an eye on any further developments.

The chances are they will return to identifying as a woman, and will take ownership of what that means to them.

Also, I would get yourself involved in a support group that allows for different points if you. This is hard on you and you need to be supported so you can support your child.

👏👏👏👏

@RootyT00t

I'm not angry Brumboo, I just get fed up with the 'wrong' on every thread - I notice you ignored my refute on pansexual.

The fact that trans may consider themselves to be non binary does not mean that the two things are identical.

But what does anger me is the fact we've completely derailed.

OP didn't ask for any of this. She asked for advice on using pronouns , and the usual has happened.

Mate, I dont make the rules. If I did, gender wouldn't even be a 'thing'. As it happens, it is a thing, and people take it very seriously, including it's terms. You may not agree, but what I have stated is what is currently considered correct for trans identity.

I gave advice on the pronouns thing, but I also agree with the many posters here who think that this shouldn't be a case of 'that's nice dear'. Gender ideology is as dangerous as any fundamental idealisms. Especially in the modern age, where teens can take a 'I want to be different' though, and take a very bad turn with it do to extremists both online and in the real world. Gender is a belief system, there is no tangible reason for its existence other than to promote sexist stereotypes - yes even with non-binary as it still acknowledges that male and female personality traits as if they are truth. Of course after many years fighting against such ugly stereotypes, people are going to get angry when they're promoted to children as a way of life, an inherent part of their person rather than 'no one has a male or female brain, that's just sexist bollocks'.

Everyone on this thread who has mentioned someone being nonbinary has been female. Is non binary not really associated with males?

I don't disagree with you Brum.

(Apart from the pansexuality. You definitely misunderstand that).

I agree with most of what you write. There's a far jump from you to PPs of 'its evil woo woo, though), and I genuinely hope there can be a middle ground found.

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

Everyone on this thread who has mentioned someone being nonbinary has been female. Is non binary not really associated with males?

I've never come across a man coming out as non binary. I'm sure they do but it seems to be mainly girls/young women

@ItsIgginningtolooklikelockdown

Everyone on this thread who has mentioned someone being nonbinary has been female. Is non binary not really associated with males?

Anecdotally, far more women.

Statistically - hard to record, as they're non binary!

Sam Smith is non binary. I personally think they are a fantastic role model for youngsters and I couldn't give a rat's toot what the angry brigade thinks of that.

None of this has helped helped the OP.

The poor OP.

Seriously, this subject has already taken over the feminism branch, why on earth bring it over here, where the OP is asking for advice, not a discussion? You don't have to vaunt an opinion on trans/non-binary in order to give advice on how to get into the habit of using new pronouns.

I only hope she finds a more reasonable and empathetic audience elsewhere.

@rootyT00t what precisely have I misunderstood about pansexuality? To be pansexual means that your attraction is based on gender.

And as for not thinking its all 'evil woowoo', I mean I didn't use those words. I do agree that believing in gendered existence is the equivalent of believing in a god, or a flat earth. Trying to have a discussion with gender believers is certainly akin to debating with flat earthers at least.