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Original poster

Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

894 replies

Dollyplum · 16/02/2021 16:30

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

OP posts:
Impatiens · 19/02/2021 10:00

The fact that the OP used the word 'struggling' is evidence of how big an impact it can have on a family. They've accepted a name change and contacted relevant people but they struggle with pronouns. Because they're important to them.

RootyT00t · 19/02/2021 10:18

@Impatiens

The fact that the OP used the word 'struggling' is evidence of how big an impact it can have on a family. They've accepted a name change and contacted relevant people but they struggle with pronouns. Because they're important to them.
I don't disagree it can have a big impact on a family. Absolutely. I'm not dismissing that. But perhaps I interpreted it differently. It can be hard to work 'they' into daily speech. Perhaps I read it as help in how to do it, if you will.
Impatiens · 19/02/2021 10:35

The OP didn't ask for help in how to use different pronouns, they asked if they were BU to struggle with that, given that she's their daughter they've known for 14 years.

StephanieSavetowin · 19/02/2021 10:40

This is a really good point.
One of the things that really helped my with the plural 'problem', think about how many times someone has aksed what something is and the flippant, non-considered response has been "It's thier coat/ bag/" without consideration for gender or sex.

Applying they their to most people or situations just flattens the need for anybosy to be misgendered. Like 'folks' in meeting I'm trying to use it more often.

WaltzingBetty · 19/02/2021 11:17

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns?

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

This is specifically what the OP asked and she was particularly looking for experiences from other parents going through the same thing. A few of us have highlighted those posts.

@RootyT00t
You have criticised those posts of direct parent experiences that the OP specifically asked for simply because the posts don't align with your personal opinion. That is not supportive.

It isn't your role to challenge and criticise those posts or to decide what is and is not supportive to the OP. You seem desperate to control this thread and tag, quote and challenge any poster that doesn't confirm to your very narrow viewpoint.

Impatiens · 19/02/2021 11:43

I take your point Stephanie but I doubt there's any risk of the OP misgendering his/her own daughter.

Dozycuntlaters · 19/02/2021 12:08

This thread is pointless, unless you agree with all this non binary stuff and are being PC otherwise your post will be deleted. My post was, not sure why, I was very polite, didn't say anything offensive, just happened to disagree with it. MN, care to shed any light on why you deleted my post?

RootyT00t · 19/02/2021 12:12

@WaltzingBetty

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns?

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

This is specifically what the OP asked and she was particularly looking for experiences from other parents going through the same thing. A few of us have highlighted those posts.

@RootyT00t
You have criticised those posts of direct parent experiences that the OP specifically asked for simply because the posts don't align with your personal opinion. That is not supportive.

It isn't your role to challenge and criticise those posts or to decide what is and is not supportive to the OP. You seem desperate to control this thread and tag, quote and challenge any poster that doesn't confirm to your very narrow viewpoint.

😴
Sofetikal · 19/02/2021 13:18

@Dozycuntlaters

This thread is pointless, unless you agree with all this non binary stuff and are being PC otherwise your post will be deleted. My post was, not sure why, I was very polite, didn't say anything offensive, just happened to disagree with it. MN, care to shed any light on why you deleted my post?
That’s definitely how it seems to me too. With a dismissive attitude of ‘having a Barney’ thrown in. I’m guessing the cancel culture worry has hit MN like all the others.
WaltzingBetty · 19/02/2021 13:27

@StiffLittleFingerrs

How do you know that it's been successful? They may grow into adults who never speak to their parents because they didn't accept who they were and belittled them.

Personally I guess I don't, I'm simply giving the posters who have shared their stories the respect of believing them rather than challenging the experiences they've been brave enough to share. It's what the OP and MN have asked for. I don't know why it's so difficult to grasp

My assumption is that those parents who have tried techniques that resulted in the breakdown of their relationship with their child probably wouldn't be sharing their experiences as advice. kitkat referred to her son as 'more sure of himself' I'd see that as a positive thing.

Regardless my point still stands - those parents should be allowed to share their actual experiences without being dismissed or criticised because they don't fit the agendas of strangers on the internet.

begaydocrime · 21/02/2021 10:28

@WaltzingBetty

Probably not helpful but as a kid who grew up in the 70s/80s in a palette of brown and orange Grin I find it pretty sad and regressive that gender stereotypes have become so entrenched to the point that if you aren't a girly girl or a macho boy you must be non-binary/gender fluid.

It's the very opposite of feminism to think that girls can't be non-girly and have to change their gender identity if they are not sugar and spice and all things nice Sad

Hi, as a young person now (19), I'd love to explain a couple of things if that's ok! First of all, I see your concern, but want to reassure you that our generation is aware that gender identity and gender expression are two different things- i myself am a masculine woman but she/her pronouns are still what i'm happiest with. Some people who use they/them will still express themselves very masculine/very feminine, some express more androgynous. Hope this helps :)
WaltzingBetty · 21/02/2021 10:43

Hi, as a young person now (19), I'd love to explain a couple of things if that's ok! First of all, I see your concern, but want to reassure you that our generation is aware that gender identity and gender expression are two different things- i myself am a masculine woman but she/her pronouns are still what i'm happiest with. Some people who use they/them will still express themselves very masculine/very feminine, some express more androgynous. Hope this helps :)

Gee thanks for explaining Grin
It's a sad reality that once women get past 35 our brains turns to jelly and just slowly slide out of our ears. I honestly don't know how I function on a daily basis.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 10:46

@begaydocrime

Hi, as a young person now (19), I'd love to explain a couple of things if that's ok! First of all, I see your concern, but want to reassure you that our generation is aware that gender identity and gender expression are two different things- i myself am a masculine woman but she/her pronouns are still what i'm happiest with. Some people who use they/them will still express themselves very masculine/very feminine, some express more androgynous. Hope this helps

As an adult who also went through a 'know it all' teen phase, I'd like to assure you than gender is bollocks and nothing more than an ideology akin to a religious belief. Hope this helps Smile.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 10:47

It's a sad reality that once women get past 35 our brains turns to jelly and just slowly slide out of our ears.

I'm only 33, have I suffered from early-onset jelly brain Shock .

Impatiens · 21/02/2021 11:02

I prefer to think of myself as a crème caramel - a cut above doncha know! 🍮

IAmFleshIAmBone · 21/02/2021 11:02

Gee thanks for explaining  It's a sad reality that once women get past 35 our brains turns to jelly and just slowly slide out of our ears. I honestly don't know how I function on a daily basis.

I'm so glad that the wee ones have popped by to explain to us fuddy-duddies how the world works.

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:04

@begaydocrime, whilst you are here with your vast knowledge perhaps you can clarify some things for us fart-brained oldies. What exactly is a 'masculine female' or even 'masculine or feminine identities'?

StiffLittleFingerrs · 21/02/2021 11:15

Oh leave her alone FFS.

StiffLittleFingerrs · 21/02/2021 11:16

She's 19. Do you not remember being 19? I welcome what they might have to say. But of course they'll be piled on by the FWRs like anyone else who says anything.

RootyT00t · 21/02/2021 11:31

Let's not pile on her. I'm sure we wouldn't be wanting to bully a 19 year old.

Impatiens · 21/02/2021 11:35

@StiffLittleFingerrs no one's stopping them having their say - and no one has to agree with them. The tone was very patronising, I expect I was the same at 19.

IAmFleshIAmBone · 21/02/2021 11:39

'Bully' and 'pile-on'... No wonder we are in this situation

BrumBoo · 21/02/2021 11:42

@IAmFleshIAmBone

'Bully' and 'pile-on'... No wonder we are in this situation
Yup, also see 'aggressive'. Sometimes I really can see why the word 'snowflake' is thrown around when anything taken as a challenge (or not accepting patronising comments from the typical 'I'm young and think I've had a moral epiphany' types) is 'bullying'.
HitchFlix · 21/02/2021 11:54

Depends on the child and the relationship you have with her but I'd not make a big deal out of this. It's a trend for the most part and hopefully one she'll grow out of. I'd be all easy breezy, go along with it for now and not take it too seriously.

If it persists then I'd take a different tack but for now she's 14 and 14 year olds are... well... a bit daft on the whole!

RootyT00t · 21/02/2021 12:07

@IAmFleshIAmBone

'Bully' and 'pile-on'... No wonder we are in this situation
In what situation?

A number of posters taking the piss out the same post is a pile on. That's exactly what it is.

If I take you to mean the situation given the issue at hand, maybe it's because patronising, faux questioning, condescending posts are accepted from one side but god forbid someone young who doesn't post in the accepted way should join.