Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

[Dollyplum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

@FamilyOfAliens

I’m not asking you anything. I’m telling you the words girls and boys refer to a child’s sex. Why you would avoid using them is incomprehensible.

Mm.

I assume you haven't set foot in a school recently.

As well as the aforementioned mum and dad, referring to a class as boys and girls is massively unheard of and advised against in most schools
.

I believe the position too.

I didn't call dad and grandma arseholes. I supported the statement.

Anyone who wants to make a scene of a family getting to practice using they while talking about other people , is being an arsehole. It's for the child's wellbeing and short term.

And it goes back at you. If it's OK for my pupils to be misnamed and misgendered, granny won't mind.

I tend to feel that 'Non-Binary' is the more acceptable side of gender ideology as it doesn't have to involve drugs/surgery and doesn't have the same impact on Women's Rights.

I can see how it would be a better option for a kid trying to fit in with their peers than calling themselves 'trans' and taking on a new persona. There's nothing new at all about the idea of not wanting to conform to gender stereotypes - ppl have been doing this for decades, if not centuries.

What is new is the idea that other people have to buy into the ideology as well - family, friends, school etc. That they should be compelled to use different, awkward pronouns - but why should they?

If a child feels that living their reality is crucial to their well-being then they should also learn the lesson, at the same time, that this applies just as much to everyone else. If the OP and family struggle to use different pronouns for her daughter it's because this goes against their own reality.

I do disagree with most of what you’re saying, that’s true, because most of it is - well, questionable.

I mean, this:

Within the school I'm in, the language we use is fluid. Therefore, I don't need to make a big fuss about gender and a big scene if a child changes name because we don't use sex and gender really anyway. (That was an answer to a PP).

What does it even mean to say you “don’t use sex and gender”? How do you teach RSE without referring to sex? Gender I can understand because it has no relevance but sex? What words do you use instead of boys and girls?

@FamilyOfAliens

I do disagree with most of what you’re saying, that’s true, because most of it is - well, questionable.

I mean, this:

Within the school I'm in, the language we use is fluid. Therefore, I don't need to make a big fuss about gender and a big scene if a child changes name because we don't use sex and gender really anyway. (That was an answer to a PP).

What does it even mean to say you “don’t use sex and gender”? How do you teach RSE without referring to sex? Gender I can understand because it has no relevance but sex? What words do you use instead of boys and girls?

Class , everyone, folks...

Depends on dialect.

Obviously when we teach we teach sex and gender. Day to day speak we don't use it greatly. But I've said that a few times now.

@RootyT00t

I believe the position too.

I didn't call dad and grandma arseholes. I supported the statement.

Anyone who wants to make a scene of a family getting to practice using they while talking about other people , is being an arsehole. It's for the child's wellbeing and short term.

And it goes back at you. If it's OK for my pupils to be misnamed and misgendered, granny won't mind.

So you teach respecting people's gender identity by disrespecting people's gender identity?

Yup seems totally logical. I think I'll refer to my previous point - if a child's gender is the most interesting/discussed thing about them, they have bigger problems than which pronoun is used (especially as they won't actually be around to hear it)

referring to a class as boys and girls is massively unheard of and advised against in most schools

'advised against' by who?

Surely, when you are talking to them directly, you say you or use their name, anyhow.

@pumpkinbump

You don't use the term boys and girls at all? So aside from affirming a confused child's gender identity, you're taking away the blanket term for boys and girls who think they're just that, boys and girls. Sinister.

Yes pumpkin, I personally am doing that, because I'm that powerful. Me and only me.

@Impatiens

referring to a class as boys and girls is massively unheard of and advised against in most schools

'advised against' by who?

Common practice.

Obviously not from me.

I'm great, but not that great.

@PickAChew

Surely, when you are talking to them directly, you say you or use their name, anyhow.

Them directly yes (which brings up the issue of the PPs who said I shouldn't affirm the legally name changed children ...)

But we do speak to a collective quite often too.

@RootyT00t

I never claimed to be reasoned , Waltzing. I notice you didn't use that critique on posters who are far more offensive than I. I assume they fit your agenda and I don't.

I'm directing it to you because you're the poster who has constantly quoted and replied to my posts

But sure stick with the persecution narrative if that works bette for you. It's a quick volte face from where you literally just said that you agreed with my response to dealing with the trans child in a teaching capacity though.

But I guess that doesn't fit your agenda....

Waste of taps, anyhow, since op never came back.

@WaltzingBetty you're missing the point here. They in usual speak is used for someone who isn't here, or a collective. I get that.

But is still be in hot water if I referred to a non binary child as he or she.

I can't find the original post you're quoting but I know it's pumpkin by the writing.

I am not being offensive about mental illness. I don't need to think it's derogatory to think it isn't one.

I do agree with some of what you say waltzing.

I just think it's an easy game to pick out the one with the different view.

Having worked in schools for 18 years I can absolutely refute the claim that school staff don’t refer to boys and girls as boys and girls.

I know the Sex Education Forum had the view a couple of years that the words were “problematic” but I don’t think anyone paid them much attention.

But I’m still interested to know what words you use @RootyT00t instead of the words boys and girls.