Non-binary pronouns change for my daughter

[Dollyplum]

Hi everyone, I'm new here and after searching, couldn't find any past threads for this.

My daughter now identifies as non-binary and has changed her name to reflect her new identity. She is now asking us to use they/them pronouns and tbh, we're really struggling with this. We don't have any issues with her wanting to be the person she wants to be, but I can't quite explain why we find the pronouns so hard to come to terms with. I guess from an old fashioned perspective, they/them is plural, and we have known her for nearly 14 years as a girl.

Can anyone give me some advice on how to handle this please? Are we just being stubborn? Should be change the pronouns? The name change was welcomed with open arms by our whole family and she is definitely happier that everyone has settled into this without issue. We have changed her name at school, dentist, etc. to her preferred name.

I'm sure other parents here have been through the same thing and any advice would be welcome please. Thank you so much :-) x

But pumpkins reasoning for not allowing OP and PP to use pronouns is because she doesn't want her daughter using puberty blockers.

I'm assuming there's a connection somewhere, even if I'm not seeing it.

So you think there's no connection between changing pronouns and taking puberty blockers? How do you explain then that almost all children on puberty blockers also take cross sex hormones that align with their new gender identity (and pronouns)?

And if you think there's no connection between changing pronouns and subsequent sex hormone therapy how do you explain detransitioners who clearly aren't trans but weren't supported in feeling comfortable within their own sex and supported in changing their pronouns/gender identity prior to starting drug therapy which has irreversibly damaged them?

@Dreamingofvenice

I know this is not quite what you're asking but my DP is Hungarian in Hungarian they dont have he/she just the gender neutral ő. So when he's speaking in English he often gets he/she mixed up and despite knowing him for 10 years it still confuses me when hes talking. So my point is this will take time to adjust too personally I would just try and use the new name instead IYSWIM

Yes. My ex was Romanian & would do the same.

When I was 14 I watched Practical Magic and Identified as a witch (not saying that's a bad thing to believe in!) - I honestly thought I was one.

My Mum dealt with this by listening to what I was talking about but not really engaging and turned a blind eye to all the pieces of ripped paper (don't ask) and the hours I spent trying to lift objects with my mind (I'm hysterical now). She drew a line when I spilled candle wax on my new sage green carpet.

A few months later I did not identify as a witch and I moved onto another thing.

Most likely she will realise this is all completely bonkers a few months down the line but be as supportive as you can.

@WaltzingBetty

But pumpkins reasoning for not allowing OP and PP to use pronouns is because she doesn't want her daughter using puberty blockers.

I'm assuming there's a connection somewhere, even if I'm not seeing it.

So you think there's no connection between changing pronouns and taking puberty blockers? How do you explain then that almost all children on puberty blockers also take cross sex hormones that align with their new gender identity (and pronouns)?

And if you think there's no connection between changing pronouns and subsequent sex hormone therapy how do you explain detransitioners who clearly aren't trans but weren't supported in feeling comfortable within their own sex and supported in changing their pronouns/gender identity prior to starting drug therapy which has irreversibly damaged them?

You're doing a lot of thinking what I'm thinking.

I didn't say that.

I asked why pumpkin thought she could dictate to a PP who has experience who came on that she can't use pronouns...because she doesn't want her own daughter to have puberty blockers (the daughter who doesn't know the PPs daughter).

Pumpkin accused the PP or not caring about puberty blockers but doesn't care about PPs choice to use pronouns.

Arrogant in the extreme.

Just in case the Op is genuine, help is available for people struggling with their gender from the NHS. However, GIDS are quite clear that transitioning socially (changing names etc) shouldn’t be done without professional help because it can lock a child in to the gender preference.

If it is necessary to use the new pronouns to maintain family relationships, then use them, and practice. Practice on everyone. Refer to grandma as they. Dad as they. If those people aren’t arseholes they won’t mind. And maybe they are non-binary but didn’t know they were because they were adolescents before Tumblr and Reddit.

@OneEpisode

Just in case the Op is genuine, help is available for people struggling with their gender from the NHS. However, GIDS are quite clear that transitioning socially (changing names etc) shouldn’t be done without professional help because it can lock a child in to the gender preference.

If it is necessary to use the new pronouns to maintain family relationships, then use them, and practice. Practice on everyone. Refer to grandma as they. Dad as they. If those people aren’t arseholes they won’t mind. And maybe they are non-binary but didn’t know they were because they were adolescents before Tumblr and Reddit.

'if people aren't arseholes they won't mind'

Several pages of thread summed up.

People don't feel like they fit into boxes anymore.

Yet more than ever they demand the boxes exist so they can proclaim they either were born in the wrong boxes or can jump inbetween them. As long as gender exists, the boxes do. There's no such thing as gender stereotypes, gender is stereotypes. Whenever any labels themselves as anything to do with gender, they keep those nice sexist stereotypes in place. You want to destroy the boxes, accept sex is the only true definition of a human, and personality/how the mind works isn't a reflection of male, female or anything inbetween.

And all those of you who embrace it and think it's all so harmless wait till it's your kid waiting on the table to get her breasts sliced off

I don't have the slightest problem with this, if that's what my child wants to do when they're of an age to do it.

OP, I am in the same position as you. It's been a few months longer for us, and we're all getting the hang of it. You just get used to saying "they".

I'm not dictating to anyone. I'm stating my opinions and answered directly the PPs question which was, why do you care? which was open to anyone. So I posted the reasons I care.

@BrumBoo

People don't feel like they fit into boxes anymore.

Yet more than ever they demand the boxes exist so they can proclaim they either were born in the wrong boxes or can jump inbetween them. As long as gender exists, the boxes do. There's no such thing as gender stereotypes, gender is stereotypes. Whenever any labels themselves as anything to do with gender, they keep those nice sexist stereotypes in place. You want to destroy the boxes, accept sex is the only true definition of a human, and personality/how the mind works isn't a reflection of male, female or anything inbetween.

How can I do that when I'm accused of being a TRA three times a thread because I dared to suggest 17 pages ago that we should use pronouns if the parent and child chooses to?

Thanks for your response @RootyT00t

The world is changing. People don't feel like they fit into boxes anymore. Social media plays a huge part, as does social influencers.

So to have a male or female gender identity that aligns with your biological sex you have to fit into a box. What are these limited gender constraints - could you describe them? Why can't you be a man or women that doesn't fit into a gender box?
As someone who is a lifelong tomboy I'm interested as to what makes me a she rather than non-binary ?

@OneEpisode

Just in case the Op is genuine, help is available for people struggling with their gender from the NHS. However, GIDS are quite clear that transitioning socially (changing names etc) shouldn’t be done without professional help because it can lock a child in to the gender preference.

If it is necessary to use the new pronouns to maintain family relationships, then use them, and practice. Practice on everyone. Refer to grandma as they. Dad as they. If those people aren’t arseholes they won’t mind. And maybe they are non-binary but didn’t know they were because they were adolescents before Tumblr and Reddit.

Eh? Hang on a minute! Dad and Grandma are 'arseholes' if they object to being referred to with the wrong pronouns but it is terribly important to use the right pronouns for the daughter? Even though those aren't actually the right pronouns because daughter is a female and those are the pronouns we use for females. So it's important that we strive to change pronouns to the wrong pronouns if someone tells us to but not important to use the right pronouns when they are right? Because? ...

@WaltzingBetty

Thanks for your response *@RootyT00t*

The world is changing. People don't feel like they fit into boxes anymore. Social media plays a huge part, as does social influencers.

So to have a male or female gender identity that aligns with your biological sex you have to fit into a box. What are these limited gender constraints - could you describe them? Why can't you be a man or women that doesn't fit into a gender box?
As someone who is a lifelong tomboy I'm interested as to what makes me a she rather than non-binary ?

I cant answer that because (I am also a lifelong tomboy) and I'm not non binary.

I feel lucky and thankful I grew up in am environment which was effectively non binary anyway but not everyone is that lucky.

In the same way in that I know what gay is, but I don't know how it feels to be attracted to a woman.

You've misgendered OPs child.

Pp is suggesting that they use they for everyone , not that they make dad female.

Who misgendered the child?

In the same way in that I know what gay is, but I don't know how it feels to be attracted to a woman.

No but being same-sex attracted is an affirmative definition

Being non-binary is an undefinable feeling that seems to boil down to 'I'm not a harmful traditional stereotype' which seems only to reinforce the stereotypical representation and role of women in society. And since it's impossible to self identify out of misogyny it has the double whammy of exposing women to societal misogyny whilst also reinforcing the stereotypes of what a woman 'should be'

That seems pretty harmful to me