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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

To have lost my temper at the mess. You I know AIBU but honestly!

168 replies

Cheeseismymiddlename · 16/02/2021 13:46

Older teens and DH all home for half term. I work full time . Normally I would take some time off this week but it was not to be, I didn’t mind as would prefer to save holiday for post lock down. I popped home at lunch time, not unexpectedly . No one has lifted a finger to put away last nights dried dishes ( which I washed up). More dirty dishes generated and left on the side. Piled in a way I couldn’t reach the kettle and cutlery in the drawer. Teen boy then comes in and asks me what’s for lunch. Teen daughter asking what’s for dinner tonight. Dry laundry still on airers in the hallway, cushions all over the living floor. Husbands DIY project spread all over the dining room because it’s too cold in the garage to work He just popped out for more bits. Someone opened a large delivery and left the empty box and packaging out.
So I blew my top. Called the teens animals for treating their home like this and I stormed out.

Normally I would have folder the laundry and put away this dishes before work but I woke up much later than normal because DH woke me up coming to bed drunk at 1.30 am. I’m literally shaking with rage in my car right now. A total over reaction I know but work is stressful due to covid regulations and I’m juggling other significant problems . I know I shouldn’t have shouted and called them that name but I’m just so disappointed in all of them.

OP posts:
viques · 16/02/2021 15:39

@Cheeseismymiddlename

I called my children animals. I want to cry. They were genuinely happy to see me and I ended up yelling at them. That why I feel so bad.
They were genuinely happy to see you in the way a cat or a dog would be genuinely happy to see its owner come home . The difference being that dogs and cats have the excuse that they can’t operate tin openers or microwaves.
Whatnameisgood · 16/02/2021 15:39

I do think you should message the family saying you expect everything to be tidied up by the time you get home . Leave it to them to work out who does what. Then have a calm conversation tonight about a fair allocation of household jobs

pilates · 16/02/2021 15:44

Don’t feel bad. They were probably pleased to see you because it was lunchtime.

snowydaysandholidays · 16/02/2021 15:45

Sometimes we are so busy and tired, we need these moments to remind us that we are not the household unpaid servant.

It is not cool for teens to be so comfortable and happy to see their mother broken with exhaustion doing it all. I have this conversation regularly with mine. Rotas get discarded, boundaries are blurred in lockdown, even I am trying not to start rows because I know this time is hard on them. Really hard on them. But it is hard on us too, carrying the burden of all of this day in and day out. It is enough to make me weep as well op. A big hug for you. So many of us in the same boat.

PyongyangKipperbang · 16/02/2021 15:45

Two things stand out to me.

Firstly that you are in tears and beating yourself up for giving them what sounds like a well deserved bollocking. Have you always avoided berating them?

Secondly you do everything in the house and then expect them to start doing it without discussion. Now dont get me wrong, they should be pulling their weight, your husband included, but you have let get away with it so long that they dont see it anymore. Your husband thinks he is helping you out instead of doing his share and your kids think that the fairies do all the work.

Its up to you to put a stop to this. Dont apologise for losing your temper, but when you get home sit them all down and say that you are sick of being treated like the skivvy and from now on everyone will have jobs that they are expected to do. Every time a job of theirs doesnt get done then you will not do a job of yours for them (I do all the cooking and when DS decided he could no longer be arsed to do his job I stopped cooking for him, within 24 hours he was back to doing it). And as they are teens, from now on they do their own laundry.

skodadoda · 16/02/2021 15:46

@Cheeseismymiddlename

I called my children animals. I want to cry. They were genuinely happy to see me and I ended up yelling at them. That why I feel so bad.
I’m sure they were happy to see you, they expected you to restore order to the chaos. When you return, if they haven’t got the message, (and that includes DH), you need to set down some ground rules. It might help to ask them for some positive input.
NotAllMeBeer · 16/02/2021 15:49

Not read the whole thread but the most depressing thing about your post is how you feel you were being unreasonable!

GoodWeatherforDucks · 16/02/2021 15:51

Perhaps the pandemic has been good for highlighting things that need to change, in order for things to be fairer for all.

I think you are not unreasonable at all for expecting the house not to look like a tip when you got home.

As to whether you were unreasonable to lose your cool over it, would depend on how your children had been brought up to think of their role in the household. If they are used to you always doing everything for them, then they are not miraculously going to suddenly start pulling their weight. If on the other hand, they have been taught by you from an early age to keep things clean and tidy, then you would be within your rights to be very cross with them and to have given them a blast with both barrels!

Teens are well capable of folding up laundry, preparing food, clearing up after themselves etc, all as part of being in a family and having respect for the other people in it.

It sounds like you will need to either have a refresher talk about what your expectations are, with your children and your husband.

Or, if there has never been much emphasis on each person’s responsibility to the household and the people who live in it, then the time has arrived to start out on the much more challenging reshaping of how it would be fairer to you, for all to start pulling their weight.

In either case, the chances of this being successful will rely on there being concrete tasks being set out, with clear accountability assigned.

The teens will learn - sounds like they have already taken on board the modelling shown by your DH over the years. I think his MO will be the harder one to change, unfortunately.

For the sake of your sanity, I urge you to grasp the nettle. A good mum obviously cares for her children, makes sure they are wearing clean clothes and are well fed, warm and secure, but also tries to make sure her children are not the future nightmare housemates or partners, by teaching them to take responsibility for themselves and to think of others.

Go easy on yourself for the rest of the day. You can let your DH know he needs to be in charge of preparing the evening meals for the rest of this working week, and when you come home, give everyone a big hug but tell them that some things are going to have to change, going forward.

Best of luck to you, and don’t be discouraged, because it won’t happen overnight, perfectly, but you will get there. And it will become an amusing story to be trotted out at family gatherings in the distant future. “Remember that time Mum lost her rag during the pandemic and called us... ANIMALS?!?”

Eckhart · 16/02/2021 15:51

@Cheeseismymiddlename

I called my children animals. I want to cry. They were genuinely happy to see me and I ended up yelling at them. That why I feel so bad.
You are allowed to express your feelings. I would guess that the feeling that you shouldn't express them is what's led to this build up, and subsequent explosion.

I'd be calling a house meeting and telling them you're taking a few days off, to demonstrate to them how quickly the house turns into a pigsty when you don't clear up after them. Then get a rota sorted out so that you're sharing the work.

It sounds like you all have different expectations of how what needs to be done gets done. If the only way you express that you're not happy is by blowing your top, you won't get the message across. Explain clearly to everybody how you're feeling, and how you would like things to be. Apologise for the animal comment, and they should be apologising for their behaviour.

It's not the end of the world, and quite possibly it's simply been a useful catalyst for change. We all blow from time to time, OP. You're only human.

Nonamesavail · 16/02/2021 15:52

Yanbu. Sounds like my life (apart from drink dh) I am going to read replies.

Newnamefor2021 · 16/02/2021 15:52

YANBU. They sound like they were pleased to see you as you do everything. We all have lazy days, that's fine, but coming on and asking what your making for lunch and dinner is beyond.

I'd have not myself sometime to eat at a drive through and I would get myself a takeaway for tea just for you that you don't need dishes for. They are animals. How dare they treat you that way.

LannieDuck · 16/02/2021 15:55

This week, you're working and they're not.

DH is in charge of all housework including cooking. He can delegate to the teens if he chooses, but it's his to organise.

Bargebill19 · 16/02/2021 15:57

Yanbu to have reacted like you did.

But.... yabu in that you brought them up to behave like that. Sadly see it a lot even in younger children.

Ywnbu to have acted on it a lot sooner ... like years ago. Make changes now and stick to them.

LaurieSchafferIsAllBitterNow · 16/02/2021 15:59

@Cheeseismymiddlename

I called my children animals. I want to cry. They were genuinely happy to see me and I ended up yelling at them. That why I feel so bad.
of course they were pleased to see you....The Fairy HouseMaid is home so they no longer have to look at the mess, it will miraculously disappear, food will be presented and they need not get off their arses or lift a finger.

Enough with the self pity about being a mean mother, get madder, and have proper words, offer up all the guilt tripping you can, lay it on thick, welcome them to The Real World where they have to pull their weight and dish up some cold hard facts about how cushy they have it.

If it's not tidy when you get back then go directly to bed, ...buy a stash of food and do not engage with them!

onlythewildones · 16/02/2021 16:01

OP I consider myself quite a 'gentle' parent - I hate to shout at the kids - but I don't think you were in the slightest bit U. When you get home you can explain to them how upset the mess made you and how things have to change, now.

The other thing is DH - waking you up coming to bed drunk at 1.30am? Saying that he does the jobs 'for' you? That's not on at all.

Weirdnessabounds · 16/02/2021 16:03

Your DH is the one you should have shouted at not your teens. He makes more mess instead of tidying up existing stuff and getting your teens to help first. With all of them it wouldn’t have taken long. Why did he go out to get more bits instead of organising lunch or asking the teens to do it, you would have then come home to a nice lunch and everyone would have been happy to see each other. Your DH wasn’t bothered about you coming back to a mess and no lunch, he obviously thinks anything domestic is down to you, you need to have words with him, 💯 guarantee that if he has to do chores in the house he’ll get your teens licked into shape as well.

Anothermother3 · 16/02/2021 16:04

They’re teens not toddlers. Can you have a meeting with the whole household and get everyone to agree to certain tasks.

willowmelangell · 16/02/2021 16:05

Text dh.
Don't beat yourself up! Do not apologize!
You are not the maid of all work.
I cannot recall any part of marriage vows or any child birth book saying you will skivvy for all until you drop from exhaustion.
Go easy on yourself. x

MissMarpleDarling · 16/02/2021 16:08

Yabu only because itsyour husband not your kids you need to shout at. They are kids he's supposed to be the dad (ignore if he's not their father, even though he's still an adult and lives in the house)

Whitney168 · 16/02/2021 16:08

@Cheeseismymiddlename

I called my children animals. I want to cry. They were genuinely happy to see me and I ended up yelling at them. That why I feel so bad.
Of course they were pleased to see you OP, they were hungry LOL.

They were selfish gits, and a blow out at all of them - but particularly at your husband - will not do them any harm at all.

Time for some expectations to be mapped out!

MissMarpleDarling · 16/02/2021 16:09

Your teens have only learnt by his example. He is to blame.

Hadalifeonce · 16/02/2021 16:10

In your shoes, I would buy myself something nice to eat on the way home this evening and cook it for myself. They can sort themselves out.

I do this sometimes, at first I got a few strange comments; but now when I either get myself food, or don't bother, they know they have to feed themselves or go hungry, sometimes they ask me if I would like whatever they are doing for themselves. RESULT!

Annabell80 · 16/02/2021 16:11

I remember my mum loosing it with my brother many years ago. She and my dad were working, me and my sister with our grandparents. In the morning mum said empty the dishwasher and reload if you use any plates.
She got home and he hadn't done it and had left a trail of destruction from his breakfast and lunch. Mum said she really lost her temper which was unusual for her. Next day not only did he clean up but cooked the dinner too.
Sometimes you need to let them see how much you do. YANBU at all. I hope they start pulling their weight. If not spell it out or go on strike.

Cherrysoup · 16/02/2021 16:13

I’d have shouted too! What’s for lunch when you’re working and they’re on half term? Stop bloody mollycoddling them, they make their own lunch and do dinner at least once a week each from now on, teens are more than capable of boiling pasta and adding a sauce or something from a jar. If not, they want teaching smartish. YANBU, but yabu if you normally do everything for them.

Clymene · 16/02/2021 16:15

Of course they were pleased to see you. They were waiting for you come and wash up and tidy up and make them something to eat.

I bet you cooked the dinner last night and did the washing up too.

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