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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To have lost my temper at the mess. You I know AIBU but honestly!

168 replies

Cheeseismymiddlename · 16/02/2021 13:46

Older teens and DH all home for half term. I work full time . Normally I would take some time off this week but it was not to be, I didn’t mind as would prefer to save holiday for post lock down. I popped home at lunch time, not unexpectedly . No one has lifted a finger to put away last nights dried dishes ( which I washed up). More dirty dishes generated and left on the side. Piled in a way I couldn’t reach the kettle and cutlery in the drawer. Teen boy then comes in and asks me what’s for lunch. Teen daughter asking what’s for dinner tonight. Dry laundry still on airers in the hallway, cushions all over the living floor. Husbands DIY project spread all over the dining room because it’s too cold in the garage to work He just popped out for more bits. Someone opened a large delivery and left the empty box and packaging out.
So I blew my top. Called the teens animals for treating their home like this and I stormed out.

Normally I would have folder the laundry and put away this dishes before work but I woke up much later than normal because DH woke me up coming to bed drunk at 1.30 am. I’m literally shaking with rage in my car right now. A total over reaction I know but work is stressful due to covid regulations and I’m juggling other significant problems . I know I shouldn’t have shouted and called them that name but I’m just so disappointed in all of them.

OP posts:
AnneLovesGilbert · 16/02/2021 14:50

You’re working, they’re not and they knew you were coming home at lunch. Why the fuck did no one ask what you wanted to eat and have it ready for you?

Lazy bastards. But you know you’re up against it if they’re copying their dad who clearly thinks housework is below him.

cantgetmyheadroundit · 16/02/2021 14:52

YANBU. Lockdown has brought out the worst in lazy fuckers at home. I feel your pain.

bruce43mydog · 16/02/2021 14:52

Maybe cause you take the responsibility on of the cleaning they have become used to you looking after all the house work.

You probably feel overwhelmed with work then when you get home you want to relax but the mess is waiting.

Sometimes teenagers need to know when to help out. They will understand that sometimes pressure builds up and sometimes parents don't phrase words correctly all the time.

Every parent has days where they feel the pressure of home life and work life.

But yes it's a good life lesson to let teenagers clean the house for when they move out they will need these skills.
💐

katy1213 · 16/02/2021 14:53

Of course you should have shouted! If they don't like being called animals (I doubt they'll care - it would have been water off a duck's back when I was their age but you never know!) then they know what they should do.
Hope you're coming home with a takeaway - for one.

Alwaysready · 16/02/2021 14:54

Why are you working full time and even thinking of being completely responsible for house and food? Definitely time to shout at the teens- mine are 7 and 5 and know they help in the house. You might be wise to shout at DH too!

Bananalanacake · 16/02/2021 14:55

When I was a teenager my mum would leave me a job list on the work top. I had to do them all before she got home.

NancyPickford · 16/02/2021 14:56

No way are you in the wrong! And don't beat yourself up about shouting. It might make them sit up and take notice that Mum's a bit fed up being their skivvy.

B33Fr33 · 16/02/2021 14:57

Well if your DH has the attitude that Its your job then I guess they are learning that.

TheLaughingGenome · 16/02/2021 14:59

You didn't over-react, OP.

You must be emotionally and physically knackered.

Have a think about what is on your list of top five "fucking me off at home crimes" at the moment? Be honest.

islockdownoveryet · 16/02/2021 15:03

I would’ve called them a lot worse than animals.
And I’ve blown my too many times this lockdown.
When I’m in work my dh doesn’t tidy up till late afternoon the pig .

81Byerley · 16/02/2021 15:03

I used to work in a house with adults with severe disabilities, and I had an argument with my boss because he asked me to draft a note to be given to agency staff, explaining that they needed to make sure they could get home after a late shift, as the last bus left before the shift ended. The system was that permanent staff who used public transport could get a taxi, and if that happened, agency staff could share, but that we would not otherwise provide the fare for them. My argument was that if I was taking on a job I would make sure I could get the bus home, and if not, I'd turn down the job. My boss felt it was unfair to expect the agency staff to think for themselves.
This is the result of being brought up in homes where children are mollycoddled and have their parents (mothers!) do everything for them. My children were expected to help, starting as toddlers with helping to pick up toys, and taking their (plastic) plates and cups out to the kitchen. By the time they were teenagers, it was normal for them to help. My eldest son wasn't so keen on helping in the house, but he'd clean the car without being asked, or mow the lawn, and often helped our elderly neighbours. My daughters helped in the house without being asked. and all the children would automatically help when we were visiting relatives. @Cheeseismymiddlename you should stop beating yourself up about what you said, because it was the truth. If you get home to a mess, do as others have suggested, sit yourself down, (Definitely turn the TV over to something else!) Then order yourself some food or cook yourself something nice. They shouldn't be expecting anything from you this week, because you're the only one who is working. And as for writing lists of what needs doing....why? do they not have eyes?

SteveBrexit · 16/02/2021 15:06

the only over-reaction is to feel bad about finally putting your foot down!

Make a list - sorry, it's time consuming, but sounds like it's needed.
If they can't behave like adults, treat them like young kids with a chore chart. So they can clearly see what is expected of them every single day.

With consequences if things are not done.

No need to worry about what could have or should have been done differently. Behaving in a acceptable manner starts now.

No one can pretend ignorance if they chose to ignore list

2020nymph · 16/02/2021 15:15

@GlennRheeismyfavourite

This does not apply to your husband at all but for the teens...when I was a teen and my Mum was working she'd leave a list eg hang out washing/buy milk/put dishes away and I would always do it - if she hadn't I probably wouldn't have thought to check/notice if anything needed doing!

We all had lists, dad included!

I do a family list at the weekend.

Legoninjago1 · 16/02/2021 15:17

Any one of those things would give me the rage! You listed all my pet hates! YADNBU!

EmbarrassingAdmissions · 16/02/2021 15:19

Does anyone feel this is one of the (mundane) realities that is missing from every post-apocalypse/contagion/plague film?

The unremitting tedium of domestic life and the racing certainty that some household members will just give up on any attempt to participate in sharing household tasks.

IloveFebruary · 16/02/2021 15:20

YANBU and calling them animals is not that bad!

Shehasadiamondinthesky · 16/02/2021 15:23

Yanbu I would have totally lost my shit.

Justforphoto · 16/02/2021 15:23

in a way yabu, it sounds like you just do everything, have you ever taught them to help. Why on earth haven't you pulled your husband up on his "helping you" Yes they should be doing those things but to be honest if they have never been shown or told to do them then they aren't going to think of them. We don't help children to grow up to be fully functioning adults by molly coddling them and doing it all. Take this as a wake up call to get chores more evenly distributed. They are not your responsibility just because you are the default adult female.

You can change this but you are going to have to work on it.

dancerdog · 16/02/2021 15:23

If you do go home and find it is a sparkling palace, don't thank them.

Comment that you can see they have done a bit of work, if you feel it is necessary, but thanking them puts it back in the 'doing some housework for you' category.

Remember, the answer to 'what's for dinner is 'I don't now, what are you making?'

sunflowersandbuttercups · 16/02/2021 15:26

You have absolutely NO reason to feel bad.

Your "D"H and teenagers should be ashamed of themselves.

KatharinaRosalie · 16/02/2021 15:31

They are home, you are working. And they are sitting on their arses, waiting for you to get home to cook and clean up their mess! My animals are nicer and more considerate than that.

Serious talk, they all need to pull their weight.

snowydaysandholidays · 16/02/2021 15:33

I have teens and I totally get what you are saying. It is magnified by the lockdown 100%.

Send a text and tell them you are not coming home until the following list is done. Add the dinner on the bottom for dh and teens to do. And mean it. Do not go home and start tidying and cooking. It is not on! They can all cook, they can all tidy, they can all pitch in.

Go home and put your feet up - and remind them you expect the same every day this week. They have had ten hours to enjoy themselves, so an hour doing chores and preparing food is not much to ask for op!

You poor thing - have some Flowers

snowydaysandholidays · 16/02/2021 15:33

I second that animals are kinder!

Brefugee · 16/02/2021 15:37

I used to work in a house with adults with severe disabilities, and I had an argument with my boss because he asked me to draft a note to be given to agency staff, explaining that they needed to make sure they could get home after a late shift, as the last bus left before the shift ended. The system was that permanent staff who used public transport could get a taxi, and if that happened, agency staff could share, but that we would not otherwise provide the fare for them. My argument was that if I was taking on a job I would make sure I could get the bus home, and if not, I'd turn down the job.

it's possible that he realised that if they saw permanent staff getting taxis paid for, they might assume that they would too? Lovely dig at mothers (parents) there

MsTSwift · 16/02/2021 15:38

Teens are fundamentally self absorbed if you’ve been doing stuff they will just take it for granted. Sounds like they needed a jolt. Don’t feel bad for a second.