To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

My daughters 23. She’s been home since just before Xmas and stayed doing lockdown with us, working from here. She has her own flat. My neighbours daughter is doing the same thing,

I recently redecorated her bedroom, she chose the colour scheme, it’s her room, as long as I’m able this will be her home and she will have a room here, she will always know she’s welcome.

I can’t imagine jist how bad your relationship would need to be with your child, just how badly it had broken down, before you did something like thr ops suggesting. For me it would need to be very very bad indeed before I told her she no longer had a bed in my home. Like im not even sure a heinous crime would do it.

To do it when they’ve only went to study and would be expected home at holidays is cold, harsh and severe. This lad only moved out a few weeks ago. His beds hardly cold. And she’s already taken the keys at the first opportunity that presented itself.

It’s so sad that this is how it is for some kids. But there it is.

@tulip68

To those asking. Yes, I love my son very much. As a previous poster pointed out, no I do not have any previous experience of a child going to uni and I left home at 16 myself. This thread has been an eye opener into how other people do it and I will take this on board. I appreciate most of your comments, but I am leaving the thread now. I will speak to my DS and try to find a fair solution that works for all but doesn't cause him to feel unwelcome.

You don't need experience with kids going to uni to realise that it's horrible to take away their safety like that. And I hope you've given him his key back and apologised for taking it in the first place.

@Ace56

OP, did you move out and go to uni yourself? I’m guessing not.

Most students don’t see their uni accommodation as ‘home’ - home is where your family is and your bedroom and all the belongings you didn’t take to uni. Student accommodation is just where you stay during term time - everyone goes home for the holidays and student areas are usually completely deserted at these times. Even if his lease is up until August, I can guarantee the majority of his friends will have gone home long before then, and he’ll want to as well.

So he hasn’t properly ‘moved out’ yet, I wouldn’t say. He’s just away temporarily for uni. It would be unfair to completely convert the room and take away his bed etc.

This.

My in-laws did this to my husband, with no discussion. They hadn't been to uni and viewed him as an adult who had moved out. He viewed himself as having being chucked out of his home with nowhere to go in the holidays or when he just wanted to be with old friends for a weekend. It didn't do wonders for his anxiety or sense of security or that he was cared for, or their relationship. They've never understood that he doesn't 'go home' very often because they made it crystal clear he didn't have a home any longer when he was still young and needed them.

Personally I wouldn't. My OH was quite put out when his parents did this to his room when he moved to uni. Sounds melodramatic but I understand his reaction; my parents kept my room the same when I was at uni and only redecorated it when I moved in with my now husband when I was in my early 20s, after I'd graduated. And even when they redecorated it they were at great pains to stress it was still my room and they asked for my thoughts on the paint colour!

I really appreciate what my parents did, but I'm not sure I can articulate why

I wouldn't. I think it would be nicer and more welcoming to have his room as he knows it. We kept my stepsons' bedrooms as they were until they'd actually bought a place, then our youngest two got their own rooms. But if I literally didn't have a table, eg then I might think of swapping the bed for a double sofa bed and putting a table in there? Then it's still his when he's home.

I had a friend at uni who never went home as all traces of them were removed from the house within weeks of them leaving. My father found out and was appalled. For then on my friend came home with me during holidays and even spent some months living with us after graduation. In fact, I think they still have some things stored in dad’s garage even now!

I would think long and hard before making these changes OP. Your son needs to know he still has a home base to return to. It’s important.

You don't need experience with kids going to uni to realise that it's horrible to take away their safety like that. And I hope you've given him his key back and apologised for taking it in the first place

This. It’s totally irrelevant if you’ve experience or not that’s just an excuse.

You prioritise your child. End of. Give him his key back and apologise.

As they say op. In a world where you can be anything. Be kind.

I don't think you're unreasonable to think about using the room for something else since you've a small house and he's not there the vast majority of the time.

I'd put a sofa bed in there and make sure the dining table is one that can be tucked away so that when he's there during uni he can use it as a bedroom.

It's daft to leave it empty all the time when you could do with the space.

NB as others said he might have spells of living at home - we found this. It wasn't until they'd stopped house sharing and settled down that this stopped.

You MUST keep his room for him. No two ways about it.

Also I hate people sleeping on the sofa!! This would annoy me more than not having a dining room,

@1990shopefulftm

My mum moved to a 2 bed when I moved out, would never have expected the rest of the family to keep a room for me for the sake a few nights a year, I deliberately had a long contract so I wouldn't need to move back.

Did you manage to read the thread? 🙄 Her son hasn’t moved out, he has gone to university. Terms last ten or eleven weeks and there are three of them, so it is not just a few nights,

Why don't you just look for a little folding up dining set that can fit into your lounge or kitchen? A lot of people find they don't really use a seperate dining room nowadays.

What a horrible thing to do to an 18yo. My lot were like boomerangs, off to uni, home for the summer, off travelling, home again for a few weeks - it was really only when they found their significant others that the family home was no longer considered home for them.

Even when we relocated, we made sure we had enough room for any or all to come and stay/live if they want to. My children will always have a place to stay no matter how old they are.

I was the first person in my family to go to uni but my room was still there for me when I graduated. It often takes a while after Grady to get on the career pathway and find a place of your own. My dad joined the armed forces at 17 to get away from his own family but always put me and my brother first as he didn’t want us to be treated the way he had been treated. My brother went travelling a lot and lived abroad but always had a room between trips, friends and girlfriends always welcome. I made a decision to have children and would not turn them out still in their teens.

Ok I’ve just read this thread. It sounds slightly miraculous the poor kid has got to uni in the first place with the lack of support he appears to have had at home.

I can’t quite get my head around you not only wanting to remove every trace of him from the home (sorry, put very trace of him in the attic), but you took his key so he couldn’t come ‘home’ at all. If my son got pissed and his mate got pissed, I would want them to feel that they can come home and be safe.

I hope he does brilliantly at uni and builds his own independent life.

Majority of young adults return home after uni for a few years to get a job and save up before moving. I stayed 2 years and my brother stayed until he was 29! The only change my parents made was for me to return home from uni to a new double bed in my bedroom.

@Fatas

Why on earth does mumsnet seem to think we should look after our children at home until their 30s? Presumably he will move out and get a job after uni? I’d say go for it. Could he share a room with your other dc when he’s back tho? Like maybe stick a foldable bed in there or something so he’s not in the way sleeping on the sofa?

Times have changed! It’s much more difficult to just walk into your career straight after university unless we’re talking about vocations. A lot of graduates also move back home to save for house deposits. The Boomerang generation is definitely a thing! Anyway, we’re talking about late teens/early 20’s here not 30yr olds. I’m happy for my DC to come back home if needed.

Not sure my DStepS was all that happy when we took over his room when he was 23, working and living in a flat :). And we were only ever his second home because he mostly lived with his mum!

This feels a bit quick to me. Next year will hopefully be a lot less restricted and they will visit more. The thought of being on the sofa for a couple of weeks would put me off coming home at all.

I think the ops scarpered. She’s not even saying gosh I don’t know what I was thinking, of course it’s his room, he’s just at uni. Nope. She’s like yeah I’ll think about it and done a runner.

What about when he finishes uni? What about summer? Will you convert it back to his bedroom?

@Bluntness100

I think the ops scarpered. She’s not even saying gosh I don’t know what I was thinking, of course it’s his room, he’s just at uni. Nope. She’s like yeah I’ll think about it and done a runner.

She's off down the tip with his clothes and about to start steaming that wallpaper off...

My parents sold our house and moved away from my home town to a house with no room for me when I went to uni. I never begrudged them living their lives and we're still very close. I just stayed at my uni house after that and it forced me to get a good job and my own home after uni!