To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

I didn’t forgive my parents for binning the lot the minute I went to university and making a third study. Don’t do it

YABVU. I hope you won't expect much from him later in life given how you are treating the kid.

Jesus, are you serious? No wonder there are so many homeless young men.

My mum moved to a 2 bed when I moved out, would never have expected the rest of the family to keep a room for me for the sake a few nights a year, I deliberately had a long contract so I wouldn't need to move back.

Jeeeeeesus.....just move and don't give him your new address.....that will definitely let him know he's no longer welcome

Wow I went to uni about 45 mins away from home on the train. On more then one occasion I rocked up to my mum and dads drunk at 4 am. My mum and dad would of never asked
Me for the keys back in a million years. I feel so sorry for your son.

I am sure in 15 years you will be on here moaning that the grandkids are closer to your daughter in laws parents and don’t understand why

OP do you not realise that live is not a smooth path for most people, and that goes 10 fold now with Covid and the economic carnage that's unfolding. Your son is likely to need the refuge of his family home for a good part of the next few years. Not everyone has the luxury of this, and lots of space is secondary to it. I would have been heartbroken had my parents done this to me at 18. You are telling your son in clear terms that he is not welcome and does not have a home with you . My son is due to go to university in September, and I will do alI I can so that he has a bedroom whenever he needs it. Your son will probably never forgive you for what you are doing.

@AndreaMartelsCoat

And this isn't outing, tens of thousands of us on here have dc at Uni.

Quite. The ‘outing’ thing on here is an understandable concern but the things people think are outing is bizarre.

To be fair the op has not had any previous experience in this by the sounds of things. OP, were your parents like this to you? sorry if its a nosey question but how we treat our kids is often how we've been treated ourselves, as a blueprint which informs our attitudes and choices.

You can choose to do differently if you want. I get that a lot of reposnses are from those without limited space though, maybe you have a lot of stress in your life right now, maybe you resent having to pay out for your student dc?

Oh Op I think you ABVVVVVVU.

Surely the security of having a home base in this crazy time worth something.
I feel like you can't wait to see the back of him-I wonder how he feels.

Am another whose DP's moved whilst I was at Uni.
Actually moved and sent me directions to drive home to a new house.
Without telling me.

I think if DS wants to visit and bring friends then that is brilliant and you should be pleased-not asking for his key back and shoving his things in the loft.

You've obviously had the current set up for a while-I'd leave it for now

How do you feel about your DS going to Uni? You seem really cold towards him like he's a disappointment you are glad is gone.

The fact you took the keys from him weeks after he left for Uni suggests you were waiting for an opportunity to do it.

Will your other DC get to keep their bedrooms once they are 17/18 years old?

YABU and I think you could probably make it into a snug/TV room with pull out bed so other people can use it but he has space when he's around.

Do you not like him? My child is the same age and away at uni and I can't imagine doing this to her under any circumstances. So basically at eighteen years old he's on his own now in the world except for the extreme magnanimity of being offered the sofa to sleep on for a few days and his belongings in an attic at yours.

I stayed at uni all throughout most summers because I didn't have a good relationship with my parents (now completely NC). Even in houses of 4-6 people, I was there on my own for several weeks each summer because all of my friends went to stay with their families or on holiday with their families for most of the summer.

It's your house so of course it's technically up to you. But if your son ends up spending weeks alone knowing that all his friends' parents welcome them home, don't expect it to improve your relationship at all.

So basically you have thrown him out so why are you asking Mumsnet whether you can use his room, you clearly are going to?

This is really sad, certainly seems like you don’t like him. Just couldn’t imagine doing this to my son, I would want him to always feel at home with me.

Think you should turn it into a dining room, but keep a fold up bed in their too. Because he will come home and stay for the holidays. The sofa isnt comfortable.

There is little emotional feeling from your posts which are really strange.

@1990shopefulftm

My mum moved to a 2 bed when I moved out, would never have expected the rest of the family to keep a room for me for the sake a few nights a year, I deliberately had a long contract so I wouldn't need to move back.

Moved out or went to uni? They're pretty different things. When you move out, you move out. When you go to uni, you're half moved out.

My parents did this (admittedly into a spare room) and I was really hurt.

I'd turn it into a snug - put an IKEA day bed in there so he can have it pulled out as a double when he's back, put a telly in there, but whenever he's not at uni it defaults to his bedroom. Also talk to him about it, don't just do it and expect him to be cheerful about it.

Nah, that's shit!

What you're effectively saying to him, is that he can't come home. What about when Uni is over? Most degrees only take 3 years, he will be back before you blink.

I find this so sad. Your poor son. He’s been at Uni for a few months and already he’s been kicked out.

Realistically, most people leave Uni and come home, even if for a few months. Going to Uni isn’t moving out, it’s going to Uni: totally different.

I think it would be unreasonable to take his room away until he has actually moved out. Put your plans on hold and wait until he leaves Uni, gets a job, rents a place and properly moves out. As long as his ‘main’ bed is at home, he shouldn’t be relegated to the sofa.

To those asking. Yes, I love my son very much. As a previous poster pointed out, no I do not have any previous experience of a child going to uni and I left home at 16 myself. This thread has been an eye opener into how other people do it and I will take this on board. I appreciate most of your comments, but I am leaving the thread now. I will speak to my DS and try to find a fair solution that works for all but doesn't cause him to feel unwelcome.

And LOL at it being "outing".

OP, I beg you, PLEASE don’t talk to your son and try and come up with a fair solution that involves you dehoming him. You had him, it’s your responsibility to give him a bedroom. Wait until after Uni, you can have your dining room when he’s properly moved out.