To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

@tulip68

To those asking. Yes, I love my son very much. As a previous poster pointed out, no I do not have any previous experience of a child going to uni and I left home at 16 myself. This thread has been an eye opener into how other people do it and I will take this on board. I appreciate most of your comments, but I am leaving the thread now. I will speak to my DS and try to find a fair solution that works for all but doesn't cause him to feel unwelcome.

Give him his key back and remind your other DC that it's their brother's bedroom and you've all survived without a dining room this long.

It's his first year and we're in the middle of a global pandemic. Any solution that involves removing his room is unfair.

@Whoopsies

My parents sold our house and moved away from my home town to a house with no room for me when I went to uni. I never begrudged them living their lives and we're still very close. I just stayed at my uni house after that and it forced me to get a good job and my own home after uni!

Presumably they at least told you that's what they were doing though, rather than you turning up at the old house and find a stranger living there?

YABU that seems really unfair. Yes fine when they've properly moved out but not while they're at uni. I would have been really upset if this had happened to me.

I have a child at Uni.

She has really appreciated comig back to her own room.

My parent did this. I would NEVER do it to my own children

YABU.
He is a student, he hasn't left home and while he may have signed a lease for 12 months he would have had no choice. Term time is 30 weeks or less soonly just over half the year. Student loan doesn't stretch to the holidays as well.
My DC all came home to live for at least a year after graduation as well.

Can’t you use it as a dining room when he isn’t at home and covert it a bedroom when he is.

Enjoy your dining room OP. I hope you have many happy years with it.

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely.

Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.

this might not have anything to do with love but all about the reality of life and that some people dont have four bed houses or mortgage free existences etc. My parents didnt and it really was a question of them having some pace to work and use my room or basically being squashed in the living room while an empty room stood upstairs. Or families of with two or more kids living in two-bed places - do you really thing the best thing to do is to leave a room empty whilst the parents sleep in the living room and the little uns are sharing.

This is a very very mc world that everyone is talking about. The OP is not saying they will use the bedroom as a party parlour but for their other kids to have a place to have their dinner. So actually rather than making harsh pronouncements - maybe check your privilege and be grateful that you have so much space that it makes no difference that a room is left empty for most of the year. so people dont have that privilege

Its easy to say "not fair" if you don't live in overcrowded housing where part of the living space has already been seconded as a bedroom.

Its a lot more difficult keeping a room empty for 40-50 weeks of the year when you live in crowded conditions. OP has't said if the other DC share rooms either which may be why they want more living space.

OP how big is the room? Is it big enough to keep a single bed/daybed and have a folding table for meal times/homework table etc?

Well this was a bit depressing. Agree with PPs, it's a shitty thing to do to your son. I understand you moved out when you were 16 OP, and I suspect that you probably think that at 18 he's an adult and ready to move out of home because you had to get on with it, so why shouldn't he?

But leaving home at 18 isn't the rite of passage it used to be.

FWIW, my DM moved house shortly after I left for uni to a smaller house with no bedroom for me. Threw all my books and records out. And then complained that I never went home.

I think this is a difference in perspective. If you moved out at a young age you probably think it's fine. But your life experience has warped your perspective on this.

We have converted a bedroom to a living room for my adult DS and DIL as they have had to move in to ours (and to give them more space) we got rid of the bed and got a bed setee and a folding gate leg table and folding chairs.
It can go back to being a bedroom if we have visitors staying. Is this something you could do?

I left home at 16 myself.

Bingo.

@Bluntness100

I don't want random drunk teenagers in my house during a pandemic

You don’t even want yout own teenager when sober in your home at normal times.

This.

It is also an insult to 18 year olds to assume that they are so imature that they cannot understand stuff like that. no way would i have wanted my parents/siblings to eat off their lap for most of the time while my room stood empty. thats ridiculous. i was an intelligent 18 year old who went to uni and therefore was smart enough to realise that the world aint all about me, that other people matter and that frankly i should be thankful that i had a room at uni plus a welcoming family who did not have to prove their love to me by keeping my damn room empty while they were squashed in their tiny house.

many jobs are now going to be contracts zero hours or temporary & with covid & brexit's unknown affect on the job market who knows?
I have had more than one child at uni at it took a while for them to get permanent work - & often to begin with it was quite low paid especially if it entailed training. So they might need to stay for a prolonged period or boomerang back for a short while its not uncommon with uni students.

Its a Council House so presumably you were awarded it on the size of your family. Perhaps as you seen to be reducing your family size you should downsize now and let someone else who needs it more have it.

What does your sons father have to say about this?

I left home at 17 btw

My parents did this, uni is not the same as leaving home at all. It's a horrible feeling when everyone is going home for the holidays. I stayed in student accommodation on my own once as I didn't want to be on the sofa in what I wrongly thought was my home.

University terms are only usually about 10 weeks at a time... That's 30 weeks a year.
It's unfair and mean to expect him to sleep on the sofa 22 weeks a year! Wait until he's graduated at least.

@oscarmum20

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely.

Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.

this might not have anything to do with love but all about the reality of life and that some people dont have four bed houses or mortgage free existences etc. My parents didnt and it really was a question of them having some pace to work and use my room or basically being squashed in the living room while an empty room stood upstairs. Or families of with two or more kids living in two-bed places - do you really thing the best thing to do is to leave a room empty whilst the parents sleep in the living room and the little uns are sharing.

This is a very very mc world that everyone is talking about. The OP is not saying they will use the bedroom as a party parlour but for their other kids to have a place to have their dinner. So actually rather than making harsh pronouncements - maybe check your privilege and be grateful that you have so much space that it makes no difference that a room is left empty for most of the year. so people dont have that privilege

Without being rude, you need to read the op. She just wants an extra living room or dining room, she’s not sleeping in the living room and having the little “uns “ sharing. I suggest to check you’re reading comprehension. If this was the case clearly the responses would be different

@SooMoony

What a horrible thing to do to an 18yo. My lot were like boomerangs, off to uni, home for the summer, off travelling, home again for a few weeks - it was really only when they found their significant others that the family home was no longer considered home for them.

Even when we relocated, we made sure we had enough room for any or all to come and stay/live if they want to. My children will always have a place to stay no matter how old they are.

Indeed. Mine are too. Bust up with girlfriend? Home you come, well squeeze in somehow.

Having trouble at uni? Home you come, this is your home and where you feel comfortable.

Christ (I do realise I grew up privileged) my bedroom is still relatively untouched in the home I grew up in to this day. If I needed to I'd still be welcome in my 50s to go back home and stay.

You don't need experience with kids going to uni to realise that it's horrible to take away their safety like that. And I hope you've given him his key back and apologised for taking it in the first place.

While I definitely think that OP is in the wrong, I think that experience of kids going to uni (your own, or kids around you) is important here.

IME most people who move out in their late teens to start work don't have a room kept for them at their parents' home. If that's what you're used to, you may be less aware of students typically having a "term time address" and a "home address".

Yabu. I think it's going to be so hard for uni students and graduates over the next few years they part time job opportunities and then grad jobs will be not as available and really competitive.

Plus moving out to uni is hard anyway. It feels really uncertain and it's not like moving when you have a job as yiure in a very limited income which is assessed based on your parents earnings so it's not full independence. Therefore sending the message that he doesn't have a room at home is tbh pretty cold.

@Averyyounggrandmaofsix

Its a Council House so presumably you were awarded it on the size of your family. Perhaps as you seen to be reducing your family size you should downsize now and let someone else who needs it more have it.

What does your sons father have to say about this?

I might not agree with how the OP is handling this, but the tone of post is just so sneery. No need for it!