To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

Yes YABU.
It’s pretty standard to sign a 12 month lease when staying in uni accommodation (or any accommodation for that matter). Doesn’t mean you have to stay there every night of the lease.

Bringing a random mate home unannounced is irritating at worse. Not crime of the century.

I would want my DC to feel like they always had the option of coming home, no matter what age or circumstance.

I think YABU. Living away for Uni isn’t really the same as moving out. He may want to come home in holidays and may want to live back at home when he’s finished uni whilst he establishes a career.
He shouldn’t bring random people home in a pandemic though so I’d definitely tell him that’s not to happen again.

Why on earth does mumsnet seem to think we should look after our children at home until their 30s? Presumably he will move out and get a job after uni? I’d say go for it. Could he share a room with your other dc when he’s back tho? Like maybe stick a foldable bed in there or something so he’s not in the way sleeping on the sofa?

I'd ask him, and if he agrees, take his bed down, in term time, and put a fold out table in.

When he's home, put the bed back ready for him, and all eat in the living room together (as you did when he lived at home)

If he comes back rarely, you can make use of the room, without him feeling unwelcome when he returns.

My 18yo is going to uni in September (hopefully!) and he and his 16yo brother have agreed between them that they will swap bedrooms at that point, because it's daft for DS1's big room to be empty while DS2 is in the much smaller one.

TBH I was very relieved they sorted it out between them, as I would have struggled even to tell DS1 he had to swap. I went to boarding school at 13 and didn't have a bedroom from that point on. It varied where I slept in the holidays, sometimes in with a sibling, sometimes a spare room, sometimes in a sleeping bag downstairs. But I didn't have my own room.

I want my children to feel like they can come home at any time and be welcome. I won't repurpose their rooms until they are properly, permanently settled in their own homes.

This is not what you originally posted about but taking his key away, and now getting rid of his room - sounds like you're wanting to give him a clear message that he is no longer welcome at home. Is that what you think? Imo parenting doesn't always end at 21.

OP: AIBU?
MN: Yes, YABU.
OP: No I'm not!

Literally everyone I lived with and knew at uni went home for the holidays despite us having 12 month leases. It was 3 weeks at xmas, 3 weeks at easter and 3 and a half months in summer. I tended not to work during term time but had a job I could pick hours up at home. So I would head home work solidly and build up my money for next term. I was paying rent on my empty uni place but not having to fund food and Bill's so meant I could build more up for the year. Not sure I would have had the money to do uni otherwise

I was going to suggest fold-down table and wall bed. Use it as a dining-room when he's not there and a bedroom when he is.

But, having seen your updates, I'd go ahead and convert the room. It's obvious that at the grand old age of 20 or so, you don't view your son as having a home with you anymore.

I hope you're not expecting him to visit or care much about you in future?

I must be a real softie I think ds and dd have their own homes but still have a key for here and there is still a bed should they ever need it. Ds was still a little upset when his old room was redecorated and became the guest room two years after he had moved to his own house. I can't imagine how hurt your son would feel to have no room or home to come back to. I wouldn't have equated going to uni with leaving home as IME most uni students come home for the holidays.

@Annonymiss123 I wish you were my mum!

Oh and also I moved home after uni for 3 years so I could save for a deposit whilst I worked and buy my first place!

Poor son. 18 and without a home base. I hope things are going ok at university because he has no where else to turn. In holidays he may well sofa surf at friends rather than at his parents house.

If I was you OP I would be focusing on salvaging some kind of relationship with him after taking away his key, rather than cementing kicking him out (which is not much of an exaggeration).

I get it must be tough in a small house with no dining space, but surely maintaining some kind of future relationship with your son is more important?

I must be a real softie I think ds and dd have their own homes but still have a key for here and there is still a bed should they ever need it.

Not a softie at all just a reasonable loving parent who understands that sometimes life might not go to plan and it's not a failing should your child to move back home for a while as an adult.

Do it op, yanbu.

He's left now, you've made it clear this is no longer his home and if he wishes to visit and stay with you, he needs to arrange this and then you can make the sofa up. If he wanted a home then he should have stayed living with you and following your every direction.

He's no longer your responsibility and therefore if Uni doesn't work out or he was planning on coming back for a few months, tough. We don't have to pay them any heed once they're 18 right?

Serves him right for growing up and trying to spread his wings.

Make sure the other kids know that once they're 18 they should also leave.

A school friend's mum converted her bedroom into a sewing room while she was on holiday in the summer before she went to university. She put in a long counter like a kitchen work top so that you could no longer get a bed in the room. We were all appalled. She had to sleep on the living room floor when she went home.
Oddly, her mum expected her to keep a bedroom in her first marital home for her parents to stay when they visited.

YABU

I feel sorry for your son

Poor kid! You've managed this long without a dining room I assume.

Even as an adult I always had the option of going home if I absolutely needed to.
You sound absolutely heartless.
If you want rid of him you're going the right way about it.

@Stovetopespresso

This is not what you originally posted about but taking his key away, and now getting rid of his room - sounds like you're wanting to give him a clear message that he is no longer welcome at home. Is that what you think? Imo parenting doesn't always end at 21.

He's not even 21. He started September, he's 18 or 19 and clear he has no he with his mother or siblings

Would you welcome your son moving back home if he wanted to leave uni, or needed to move back in after uni?

You sound lovely op.

My friend's mum did this. I don't think his bed was even cold before they gutted the room when he left for uni. He never really went back and definitely didn't see it as home any more. His mum still complains that he never really comes back 'home' to stay (they live on either side of the country) and we're 33 now.

Yep, you've demonstrated fairly well that your child isn't welcome in your home anymore so do with the room whatever you wish.

Poor kid!

@MuddyPawPrintsEverywhere

I think you're getting a hard time here, OP.

It's all well and good to say that parents should keep their uni-age children's rooms empty for them-- if that space is not needed by the people who actually live in the house full-time. However, OP has explained that the house is small, and it sounds like they may really need the space. In that case, it would be silly to leave a perfectly good room unused for the bulk of the year.

If you expect your son to be staying in the home for extended periods of time, it's more difficult. I'd try to come up with a solution where he wouldn't be sleeping on the sofa for weeks. Maybe a collapsible table and chairs that can traded out for a nice air bed when he's home?

If there were three younger siblings sharing a bedroom, I would agree there needs to be a reallocation. But this plan is so that three other people have a second room to relax and eat in. Four of them obviously currently manage without this extra space so not sure why three can’t.

When I was at university, most people go home at the holidays and most make a couple of trips home in term time too. When I was in a house share my landlord charged lower rent during the summer holidays on the understanding we would not be there but wanted to retain it. Over the other holidays, we could have stayed there if we wanted, but considering my house mates all left, staying there by myself, is not something I would have wanted to do when I was 19-21.

A parent making their child sleep on a so far for not much under half a year because they want to spread out, is really uncaring and horrible.