To convert my DS's former bedroom into a dining room now they are at Uni?

[tulip68]

NC for this as outing.
My son is at uni as of September. He is only an hour away but lives in student accommodation. His former bedroom is downstairs to the back of the house, the house is quite small and we could really use that space as a family room or dining room. I think DS expects me to keep his room for him so he can visit us and his friends, ect once the rules are relaxed again. AIBU to convert the room into a dining room and say he can sleep on the sofa when he visits in future? My other DC is keen to have an extra room to eat/relax in.

My parents did this to me, which is one of the reasons my life has been so hard despite earning a decent graduate wage. 10000s in rent over the years. I also only have a SHOEBOX of anything I owned pre 18. Which has led me to hoarding (not badly) since.
My relative did this recently to her son who's just left for uni. I secretly think it's awful.
There are poles of opinion between 'they are an adult now - no support' which is an attitude I still see and disagree with, and the substantial support i see others receive. It hurts.

@Bluntness100 - I have read it. She wants her kids to have somewhere to eat their dinner! Most people on MN will tell you that's vital for a kid development. And yes I think it would be ridiculous for the family to eat their dinner on their laps, not being able to invite people over while they have a perfectly good room standing empty. Yes, it's crap but they live in a council house and presumably, their kids know they are not made of money. The OP has clearly supported their kids well enough for them to have got to uni, why do you think they are so stupid as not to realise that maybe their family needs the space.

IME most people who move out in their late teens to start work don't have a room kept for them at their parents' home

I think it must be clear to you from the thread thought that nearly every other poster, which number in thr hundreds, experience is the opposite and the kids do have rooms kept. I know every one of my daughters friends did, and all my friends kids did.

oscarmum20 rubbish. The OP doesn't want to eat off her lap anymore. We ate off our laps for years, it wasn't a hardship. Not having a private space or a bed to sleep on, is. It didn't stop my mum inviting friends round for dinner either, they just had to realise dining was VERY informal. Not everyone on here is middle class or came from an MC background, so you can rein in the self righteousness.

@oscarmum20

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely.

Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.

this might not have anything to do with love but all about the reality of life and that some people dont have four bed houses or mortgage free existences etc. My parents didnt and it really was a question of them having some pace to work and use my room or basically being squashed in the living room while an empty room stood upstairs. Or families of with two or more kids living in two-bed places - do you really thing the best thing to do is to leave a room empty whilst the parents sleep in the living room and the little uns are sharing.

This is a very very mc world that everyone is talking about. The OP is not saying they will use the bedroom as a party parlour but for their other kids to have a place to have their dinner. So actually rather than making harsh pronouncements - maybe check your privilege and be grateful that you have so much space that it makes no difference that a room is left empty for most of the year. so people dont have that privilege

Give your head a wobble.

The OP's other DC haven't starved the entire time their elder brother has lived at home ffs. The only one that need to check their privilege is the other DC who are pushing for their brother to be unwelcome so they can sprawl out a bit more.

The OP is not sleeping in the living room and there's no mention of other DC sharing so your comparision is nonsense.

[quote oscarmum20]@Bluntness100 - I have read it. She wants her kids to have somewhere to eat their dinner! Most people on MN will tell you that's vital for a kid development. And yes I think it would be ridiculous for the family to eat their dinner on their laps, not being able to invite people over while they have a perfectly good room standing empty. Yes, it's crap but they live in a council house and presumably, their kids know they are not made of money. The OP has clearly supported their kids well enough for them to have got to uni, why do you think they are so stupid as not to realise that maybe their family needs the space.[/quote]
Then why were you posting about parents sleeping in the living room then? And little “uns” sharing?

She wants a dining room/extra living room. Check your own privilege. Most folks don’t have this.

@tulip68

To those asking. Yes, I love my son very much. As a previous poster pointed out, no I do not have any previous experience of a child going to uni and I left home at 16 myself. This thread has been an eye opener into how other people do it and I will take this on board. I appreciate most of your comments, but I am leaving the thread now. I will speak to my DS and try to find a fair solution that works for all but doesn't cause him to feel unwelcome.

So you left home at 16 yourself and are pushing your son out at 18. It absolutely baffles me when parents do shitty things and then say we'll it happened to me or I did that. As if you don't get you can not repeat the same behaviour. I feel so bad for your son. It's pretty much standard you expect to be able to go home when at uni. Just wow

@oscarmum20

i actually think that a lot of people on this thread should check your privilege. It's all very well to say that kids go off to uni and come back etc to save for deposits and isnt it all lovely.

Well have you considered that some people might not have the space or the money tohave boomerang kids that for some parents it is a choice between their kids having a dining table or not or those parents who would ask their adult kids for rent because they cant afford the mortgage.

this might not have anything to do with love but all about the reality of life and that some people dont have four bed houses or mortgage free existences etc. My parents didnt and it really was a question of them having some pace to work and use my room or basically being squashed in the living room while an empty room stood upstairs. Or families of with two or more kids living in two-bed places - do you really thing the best thing to do is to leave a room empty whilst the parents sleep in the living room and the little uns are sharing.

This is a very very mc world that everyone is talking about. The OP is not saying they will use the bedroom as a party parlour but for their other kids to have a place to have their dinner. So actually rather than making harsh pronouncements - maybe check your privilege and be grateful that you have so much space that it makes no difference that a room is left empty for most of the year. so people dont have that privilege

They've been fine without a dining room until this point, no serious ill health from eating off their laps so far I think? No horrific burns requiring surgeries? The fact is, this is a kid who hasn't actually moved out. He has gone to uni to make sure he has the best future possible. The duty of care is still with the OP until her child is done with school. It's not really different to having a child at boarding school. Or would that also be a legitimate reason to convert a childs bedroom?

And to anyone saying, "I moved out at 16 and was just fine", so what? I moved out at 18 but the world has changed and it is a lot harder for young people to get by. Offering them a fecking bed under your roof until they are safely on their feet is hardly molly coddling them. Some may be lucky to have friends who welcome them as family but for most of us, when the shit hits the fan, the only people who treat us like family are, well, family.

They've been fine without a dining room until this point, no serious ill health from eating off their laps so far I think? No horrific burns requiring surgeries?

Exactly. Given a choice between a dining room and chucking my kid out at 18, or going without the dining room and giving them a bedroom I’ll take the latter every day of the week, and so would nearly every parent on here.

Plenty do without a dining room. How middle class can you get?

I really do think the assumption that people can just keep rooms free etc without even thinking about is a very privileged position. There also seems to be a very particular understanding of what it means to go to uni. I was technically still at uni until I was 28 years old. Would you like for my parents to have kept my room until then.

Similarly, do you think that all parents can afford to have kids boomerang back? My parent still had a hefty mortgage to pay on their house that they could barely afford so if I wanted to move back i had rent/bills to pay.

No one said boomeranging kids shouldn't pay bills or be treated like small dependent children either! And a uni student returning home for the holidays still needs that room 40 per cent of the year and a quiet place to study! You really are working yourself up and chucking just about anything into the mix to justify the froth! And your parents were privileged to own compared to mine who rented, so there!

Fuck, that was a lot of quotation marks...

YABU to not give the poor lad a bed and some space!

Imagine the state of his back sleeping on a settee June-September.

Then you’ll complain that you don’t get any time to yourself because he’s always in the living room.

Then you’ll complain he never comes home at all.

Redecorate and utilise his bedroom but it’s still his bedroom.

I think it must be clear to you from the thread thought that nearly every other poster, which number in thr hundreds, experience is the opposite and the kids do have rooms kept. I know every one of my daughters friends did, and all my friends kids did.

Most of the posters are talking about students. I agree that most students have rooms kept for them - and I'd made an earlier post to say that! I also said in my earlier post that OP should keep her son's room.

But, in my own experience, friends who were students had rooms kept for them, whereas those who worked were seen to have fully "moved out" and often didn't.

Poor lad, talk about pulling the rug out from underneath him.

I don't have a dining room, I didn't realise it was a hardship.

@oscarmum20

I really do think the assumption that people can just keep rooms free etc without even thinking about is a very privileged position. There also seems to be a very particular understanding of what it means to go to uni. I was technically still at uni until I was 28 years old. Would you like for my parents to have kept my room until then.

Similarly, do you think that all parents can afford to have kids boomerang back? My parent still had a hefty mortgage to pay on their house that they could barely afford so if I wanted to move back i had rent/bills to pay.

Can we honestly compare an 18 year old and a 28 year old, even if they're both in uni or does that maybe come across as slightly.. I don't know, straw-graspy?

@oscarmum20

I really do think the assumption that people can just keep rooms free etc without even thinking about is a very privileged position. There also seems to be a very particular understanding of what it means to go to uni. I was technically still at uni until I was 28 years old. Would you like for my parents to have kept my room until then.

Similarly, do you think that all parents can afford to have kids boomerang back? My parent still had a hefty mortgage to pay on their house that they could barely afford so if I wanted to move back i had rent/bills to pay.

Why on Earth are you comparing you at 28 to a teenage lad in their first year of uni? That’s even more nonsense than your “parents sleeping in the lounge” post.

Who said anything about boomerang kids not contributing when they live at home post uni?

@oscarmum20

I really do think the assumption that people can just keep rooms free etc without even thinking about is a very privileged position. There also seems to be a very particular understanding of what it means to go to uni. I was technically still at uni until I was 28 years old. Would you like for my parents to have kept my room until then.

Similarly, do you think that all parents can afford to have kids boomerang back? My parent still had a hefty mortgage to pay on their house that they could barely afford so if I wanted to move back i had rent/bills to pay.

I didn’t say that they would be living at home and not contributing. I’d expect them to pay something, however it would still be cheaper than renting.

@krustykittens and if you have stayed at uni for nine years like i did - would you really have expected your parents to keep on renting a bigger place than they needed to just so you could come back? I mean fair enough, i really wouldnt have. I guess i was that kid who lost their room when i moved out but in no way did i feel turfed out or anything. My parents didnt have much space and needed the room - that was fine. I already had a room and they didnt owe me one.

@Bluntness100

They've been fine without a dining room until this point, no serious ill health from eating off their laps so far I think? No horrific burns requiring surgeries?

Exactly. Given a choice between a dining room and chucking my kid out at 18, or going without the dining room and giving them a bedroom I’ll take the latter every day of the week, and so would nearly every parent on here.

Plenty do without a dining room. How middle class can you get?

I love the idea of it being this big hardship to not have a dining table. Like the food that goes in their bellies is somehow less for not being ingested whilst at a fancy table.

My parents kept my room for me for ages - even after moving in with my now husband.

My dad would get really upset if I ever referred to their house as 'their house'. He said that it would always be my home too and I could come back if I ever needed to.

With hindsight (I'm now in my 40s) i am so grateful for this. I always had the knowledge that their love and security was absolutely unconditional.

My parents would have raised an eyebrow had I been at uni for nine fucking years. Not a luxury I had, I am afraid, I only went to uni as there was no way I could get into my chosen profession without a degree, otherwise I would have been earning and I waitressed my way through so I could contribute to food and bills. I wouldn't have expected them to keep a room, no, but they did, and I am grateful foe that, even when I loved out to be closer to uni as the commute was killing me. They moved away to a different city when my three year degree was up, that was cheap enough for them to finally buy. I don't think I am the one who has to check their privilege.

My boomerang kids paid board and lodging. I'm not one of the privileged few who can afford to feed, house and clothes adult children without them contributing something to the upkeep of the house. I'm still glad my children feel they are able to come 'home' if they need to, for whatever reason.

[quote oscarmum20]@krustykittens and if you have stayed at uni for nine years like i did - would you really have expected your parents to keep on renting a bigger place than they needed to just so you could come back? I mean fair enough, i really wouldnt have. I guess i was that kid who lost their room when i moved out but in no way did i feel turfed out or anything. My parents didnt have much space and needed the room - that was fine. I already had a room and they didnt owe me one.[/quote]
There's a difference between an 18 year old undergrad and a (presumably postgrad or mature student) who's still at uni 9 years later. Postgrads don't get the 3 month summers and don't tend to live the 'student lifestyle' - I was living in a house with my partner and cats by the time I finished my PhD!