Baby's surname

[yvanka]

Pregnant with DC1, DP and I are both completely sure that we don't want it get married for various reasons. We are committed to each other but don't want marriage.

The only issue that this has caused is that he wants the baby to have his last name and I want them to have mine. He says that it's "tradition" but I've done some research and it's actually tradition for the baby to have the mum's surname if parents are unmarried, and I just really want to have the same surname as my child.

However, DP also feels strongly that he wants his surname. I would compromise on double barrelling (our last names go well together) but baby going by just his dad's last name at school etc, but DP thinks that double barrelling is common.

He would be happy for me to change my last name if I wanted but won't consider changing his so I don't see why I should. AIBU?

Disclaimer: he is an excellent partner and very loving and kind to me, so no LTB please. Just looking for any words of wisdom as I can understand how he feels and am a bit stuck on how to move forward with this with everyone being happy.

I don't have the same name as my kids it's just a name it really doesn't matter that much. Gone are the days of raised eyebrows having a different name to your kids.

It's honestly not as big a deal as it feels just now double barrel it and think no more of it.

Something to think about on the double barrel thoughts that only works for one generation.
Once John Smith-Jones meets Wendy McDonald combining names isn't really an option.

@yvanka

If you don’t want the protection of marriage the baby should definitely have your name.

What protection that marriage can provide is relevant to my situation?

None, but that is because you haven't actually had the baby yet.

What would happen if your child needs full-time care from you for the rest of its life? What if you cannot earn any money as a result?

That's not how it works. Not at all.

Care to enlighten me?

@Lockdownbear

Something to think about on the double barrel thoughts that only works for one generation. Once John Smith-Jones meets Wendy McDonald combining names isn't really an option.

This comes up every time. The Spanish seem to cope with it just fine.

It really sounds like you have been convinced to hand over your power to your partner by agreeing to first name, his name at school and by putting his name last. On top of this your partner is still not happy and wants more. You've given him a lot more than an inch and he is not satisfied until he has taken the whole lot.

Don't get me wrong, I have fallen into all of the pitfalls. My DC are Ds1 ExH name, DCs 2 & 3 DH's name. My name is Mrs ExH-DH.

You are not indicating that you will avoid the avoid the pitfalls that mothers generally fall into. It is likely that you fall into some financial pits too.

Why are people trying to force the Op to want marriage? bloody hell, she's a grown woman, she can make these decisions for herself. She didn't ask for opinions on that

I’m married but kept my maiden name. My DC have their Dad’s surname.
People do assume we are not married as a result and that does irk me for some reason. My DC also find it a bit confusing that they don’t have the same surname as me (despite their M&D being married).
I’d go for the double barrel option in your circumstances. Although I will admit that with the benefit of hindsight I would have changed my surname so that we all had the same.

Could you double barrel yours and the DC so that you two have the same and you DP keeps his as is? Might be another option if the notion of changing yours doesn’t offend you.

You’ve offered to compromise. If he doesn’t want that then your surname only I guess. I would never give a child of mine the dad’s surname only if different to mine. Everyone I know who did that regretted it.

The only real option is to choose between double-barrelled or your name.

He's certainly not offering any compromise on this OP - I bet even when he 'comes round' to double barrelled and drop your name in day to day life, he wouldn't be so accepting of dropping his name in day to day life.

You have your reasons for not wanting marriage, but given that the majority of partnerships which bear children do appear to break these days, and the vast majority of children then live with their mother - I can't see any reason why a woman would accept anything but their name (whether that be a joint name or just the mother's) being the name their child is commonly known by.

You also say that you never want more than one child, yet this entire thread has its foundations in the concept of 'who knows what will happen in the future'.

Make sure you share a name with your child, whatever that name is, and then this will be no issue. And no, I wouldn't be changing my name to his to do that.

@yvanka

That's not how it works. Not at all.

Care to enlighten me?

Sure, I didn't realise it was necessary to explain that parenthood is not assumed or decided or questioned purely on whether or not the parent and child have the same surname.

You really should stand up for yourself and your child here. You are embarking on parenthood as the subservient secondary parent who lets your controlling and sexist partner make all of the decisions. It's a bad way to start.

In your position I would state that the child is having your surname and that your partner has the choice to come with you to register the birth, or not.

@AryaStarkWolf

Why are people trying to force the Op to want marriage? bloody hell, she's a grown woman, she can make these decisions for herself. She didn't ask for opinions on that

It's also a bit of distraction because getting married doesn't 'solve' the name thing - the woman doesn't have to take the man's surname just because they're married, and nor do the children of married couples automatically get the man's surname!

He hasn't really understood his position here.
Legally and traditionally, your DC will get your name and your name only. If he wants to change this, he is the one who needs to be proposing compromises you would be willing to accept. It sounds like the opposite here. Why? Let him do the work to find an option you like.

And no, I wouldn't be changing my name to his to do that.

Sorry, should have added 'unless through marriage'.

I completely agree with your post OP on it being easier to leave if you're not married. You're absolutely right, it is easier to leave if you're not married. (I am married myself, happily, but you are right).

If you don't mind me asking OP - as well as your partner's thoughts on the matter, are you coming under any pressure at all from your partner's parents? Or even just not-so-subtle hints from them?

I agree with pp.
it should be your name, as that is tradition, or double barrelled as the compromise.

Yes. What @katharinarosalie said.

You state that you want to be independent but your words and actions suggest otherwise. Stand up for yourself. You have rights and power here. Stop letting this man walk all over you before the child is even born.

And no one has ever questioned if I'm their mum ever when I say my kids people believe it who wouldn't. I've never been stopped at the airport but just take their birth certs with passports.

I would make sure they go by your name day to day too. Why the hell should it be his?

If/when you split ( far higher chance if he's already divorced) then you want your child's everyday name to match yours as sure as eggs are eggs you will be the resident parent.

Nobody ever really knows what the future brings so I would double barrel in your circumstances but not for you or your DP but for the sake of your LO. That is the message you need to drive home to your DP.

My DS has his dad's name (we didn't marry but tbf I thought we were so in love and would one day), his dad is a useless waste of skin of a man from my POV but DS and him still have good relationship so it have never bothered me. I have never ever been stopped or question EVER at passport control or docs or school so whilst it has happened I don't think it is that common. The worst that has happened is occasionally I may have been called by his surname - I correct politely and thats it - not really an issue now he is 21.

DH's ex gave kids his name and I am pretty sure she absolutely regrets it no but she is NC whith both of her DC's. One has her own child now and lives with her DP, the other lives with us.

When DSD had her LO he was given our family name after much debate as her DP hates his family name (his mom changed it to her name after splitting up with his dad) and he wants to take our family name when they get married.

My Dsis and her DP split up when she was pregnant with his baby, my DN was given her name. 10 years after break up they got back together but were adamant they would never get married, he had a health scare a few years back (13 years after they got back together) and then decided to get married so now DN has her maiden name and is not that happy that she is the only one so now wants to change her name.

Whatever you decide good luck with the baby

Do you know the sex of the child yet, OP?

I ask because our plan is to give the child my partner's name if it is a boy and my name if a girl.

We have the exact same issue - we both want to pass on our name and we both don't like double-barrelling - so we decided the fairest way is to leave it to chance!

I would tell him it’s either double barreled or yours, but your surname is going in their somewhere. It’s a bit disenguous of him to try and win the argument by using “tradition” when you’re doing the non-traditional route when having a baby!

We aren’t married. Together 15 years, 5 children. They have both our surnames. Why would you give DC both and then drop one for school?!

We live aboard now and women don’t change their names when they marry, and the children get a surname from each parent - so we fit in just fine

Meh. As far as I’m concerned the woman who carries, grows and births the child gets the naming rights please don’t jump on me re adoption/surrogacy I haven’t thought those situations through! don’t roll over he won’t be happy unless it is solely his name so register as solely your name and then if he wants you can double barrel - I think you change a birth certificate in the first year or something without issues thanks to naming regret etc but don’t quote me on it!